Thursday, July 17, 2008

Manchester City brings a little shui to Eastlands

From the "Just When You Think You've Seen It All" department comes this wonderful lede:

Having missed out on superstar Brazilian Ronaldinho, Manchester City have resorted to feng shui to boost their chances this season.

Magic crystals have been buried under the turf to energise the team's players.

Several have already been dug into the centre circle - and dozens more will be hidden beneath the corner flags before the season kicks off on August 17, according to The Daily Mirror.

Absolutely brilliant. How long until one of them worms up to the surface and leaves a giant gash in Vassell's leg?

One thing is certain: Thaksin Shinawatra is definitely angling to be the most eccentric owner in English football history (move over, Sullivan).

The Daily Mail managed to talk to some club sources, who were somewhat underwhelmed by the Eastern influence at Eastlands:

"It's really bizarre behaviour.

The older City fans won't like it one bit. Apparently the Thai owners love the superstitious principles of the Far East and hope the crystals will improve the team's performance and the club's financial success."

Granted, it's a nice idea, but they'd have been better off spending the money on flying me over there to do a lion dance. On second thoughts, probably not.

This sort of activity makes me wonder just what lengths other next-tier-down clubs will try. Perhaps Aston Villa will be besieged by shaman and witch doctors right before a home fixture against Newcastle. Will Spurs bring a reiki master onto the payroll? Will Everton turn to stuffing sacred geometry maps all over Goodison Park? Yoga at Fratton Park?

Regardless of what happens next, this makes for a continually comical offseason for Man City. Their fans get stuck on a ship bound for the Faroe Islands, they endure pitch troubles at the hands of a scheduled Bon Jovi concert, they sign a Brazilian from CSKA Moscow for close to 20 million pounds (I am scared for them as to how that pans out... Brazilians aren't suited to our turgid weather, and they get laughed at by Ronaldinho and his agent.

What on earth could be next?

Of course, Simon Brown, the feng shui consultant (also known as "guy who moves furniture around"), is impressed with Man City's decisions, not that they're paying him a lot of money or anything:

"Crystals come from deep inside mountains and have a strong energy. Putting them under the pitch will bring that energy on to the field. The three-legged toad and lucky trees are aimed at promoting financial success.

It's like a Catholic putting a Crucifix on the wall, for Thai people these symbols are important. But if they really want to affect the players they should change the colour of their jerseys. Teams who wear red like Manchester United seem to win far more often than clubs in blue."

No word yet on how long these crystals will protect new manager Mark Hughes from the danger of having a fickle maniac in charge of your job security.


Keith said...

Blur wins again!

Mike Georger said...

how asians consistently dominate our standardized testing when they believe in stuff like this and fan death is beyond me. doesnt say much about our education system when we get trounced by people who essentially live life like its a fucking comic book

The Fan's Attic said...

so does the feng shui not help the visitors?

King Garry I Of Swandanavia said...

So the Feng Shui "expert" has advised to change the team colour from blue to red?

I can see that happening in the not too distant future...