At least he saved the world another week of bitching about how dirty Bolton are and how soft and squishy is the Gunners ' pysche with an 84th minute winner. But if Arsene can find a decent bidder, I won't shed too many tears if Bendtner takes leave from Emirates. For today its all good, however, as Arsenal keep pace in the battle for fourth (sigh) with Villa and Everton. The rest of Saturday's results after the jump.
FT Aston Villa 2 – 1 West Brom. Fucking Villans lose one already, ok?!?
FT Arsenal 1 – 0 Bolton Wanderers
FT Everton 2 – 0 Hull City. The Toffees have allowed no league goals in a month and are on a five match unbeaten run. Good time to find form, as they have a brutal stretch coming up.
FT Middlesbrough 1 – 1 Sunderland
FT Newcastle United 2 – 2 West Ham United. The damaged goods bowl. Slightly used Prem club for sale, $100 million OBO.
FT Stoke City 0 – 0 Liverpool. Whoops.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
We still want to sell you
Friday, August 15, 2008
EPL Previews: Stupid Fucking Bolton
Why do I loathe Stupid Fucking Bolton so much? Maybe it’s because they aren’t bad in the way that say Birmingham or Reading were last year, lacking in talent but scrappy and kind of endearing. No, Bolton are just plain crap, built around all of those leftover Sam Allardyce tactics, grinding out nil-nil draws, gaining against-the-run-of-play goals and hanging onto the English Premier League (suck it Barclays) by their fingernails. That lovely eleven-men-behind-the-ball, push the opposition around and punt it up the field in the hopes of a poached goal. In other words, utter and total crap!
If there were any justice in this world, Stupid Fucking Bolton would have been relegated last year, and they ought to be relegated this year. But unfortunately there’s a decent chance that -- yet again -- there will happen to be three teams that are even more incompetent. So, Stupid Fucking Bolton will likely be rewarded for their crap tactics, and will keep going on year after year, like the plague, or Survivor.
Join me after the jump for more spleen-emptying...
How else can you react to a team that last year sold it’s best player and only real scoring threat, even if he has a penchant for that stupid bird celebration, and then fielded a weakened squad in the UEFA Cup against Sporting Lisbon so they could instead concentrate on barely surviving the Premier League? In other words, a team that sacrificed the opportunity to earn a rare trophy for piddling league mediocrity? A team that fired that Fat Walrus and still stinks? A team that will be relying on new boy Johan Elmander, who will simultaneously have to adjust to the English game and thus has a good chance to be a bust? A team that unloaded El Hadji Diouf, who is loathsome but at least gave the team some sort of identity? Actually, unloading El Hadji Diouf was a positive move, but trust me, it’s still crap somehow. It just has to be.
Don’t believe me, just look at the hostility displayed in the comments on the Guardian’s preview page.
Next season will be the 70th season that Stupid Fucking Bolton will be in the English top flight without winning the title (going out a limb and predicting that it won’t happen next season). They haven’t won a major trophy since the FA Cup in 1958. (I know, I know... thanks Wikipedia!) And yet Stupid Fucking Bolton are supposed to be one of the Big Clubs in England, a team that managed to twice qualify for the UEFA Cup in the past few years. A team that has a nice new stadium, even if it is fairly tiny, and even worse is in Bolton, not exactly populous and not exactly posh.
So where was I? Ah yes.... Truly, if any team deserves the drop, it’s Stupid Fucking Bolton. Give me that truly scrappy team up from the Championship instead, a Wigan or even a Sunderland or Stoke, happy to be there and willing to go for it, you know, positively.
Just not Stupid Fucking Bolton. I don’t care about a well-organized defense. I want to see abysmal failure from the start of the season, Megson fired in December, locker room fights, catastrophic injuries, blown opportunities to win games down the stretch, pestilence, locusts, first born sons, the works! Just not another season of Stupid Fucking Bolton in the Premier League. Is that too much to ask?
Friday, May 16, 2008
It’s Contest Time! Time to Find Out Who the "Winner" Is!
El Hadji Diouf wants to know what everybody's talking about. We'll give you a hint: It's America's favorite past time!
Way back in January, when UF was a just a plucky newborn, we decided to run a contest to see who could guess how useless Bolton are. More specifically, the contest was to guess how many league goals Bolton would score the rest of the season. You can re-visit that magical post here.
Now that the season is over, we know that you have been dying to see who won, checking the site constantly in the hopes that maybe, just maybe we would post an update. Well, you are very lucky my friend. Read on after the jump and find out who won...
To refresh your memory, here were the “rules”:
How many goals do you reckon that Bolton will score in the Premier League during the 14 games that remain in their season? [meaning Bolton’s league games starting in February, roughly after they sold Anelka, for those of you keeping track at home]
The tie-breaker is how many goals will Bolton score against Atlético Madrid in their two UEFA Cup matches (penalty shootout doesn't count, and we'll assume Bolton won't advance past Atlético so any other goals scored in the UEFA don't count either).
Now, Bolton did of course advance past Atlético Madrid, which kind of screwed up our tie-breaker, but thankfully Bolton only advanced on a 1-0 aggregate so their useless was nonetheless in tact.
As for the league, tallying up Bolton’s total goals beginning in February we arrive at the correct answer of 10 goals in Bolton's last 14 games. This makes for a stupefying .71 goals per game (and actually it was .65 goals per game after Bolton sold Anelka -- we waited a couple matches before starting our contest). How Bolton ever managed to stay in the league is a tribute to, well, the fact that there were even more inept teams this year.
Speaking of ineptitude, take a look at our table of guesses, where we find that the winner is Ian, who guessed spot on that Bolton would score 10 league goals!
Precious Roy: 5 league goals
Moonshine Mike: 5 league goals
Sven: 6 league goals
Spectator: 8 league goals
Badly Drawn Boykins: 8 league goals
Ian: 10 league goals
The Fan's Attic: 11 league goals
Lingering Bursitis: 11 league goals
ü75: 23 league goals
So a hearty congratulations to Ian, who will be buying the first round of drinks at our first Pants Party.
And let me just end our contest by pointing out that ü75 has a lot of explaining to do.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
TWAG: Too Old Not to Know Better
I was 11 when US Reed hit that shot.
I know because I was there.
"Was" being the operative word. I was indeed in the arena that afternoon. That was an NCAA regional in Austin, TX. My dad was a professor at UT, so he dropped my older brother and me off at the arena (the tourney wasn't near the big deal that it is now, and you could just walk up and get tickets at the box office) then he went to his office and did some work.
With less than a couple of minutes left, Arkansas was up maybe eight points, maybe double digits. And Louisville hadn't played well all game. So with time on the clock, my brother and decided it was over and and started to walk back towards my dad's office (the arena is just on the edge of the University of Texas campus).
Like I said, I was in the arena that afternoon, but I left before the final seconds ticked off. So I have no memory of that shot. None.
When we got back to my dad's office, my old man greeted us with something like, "Oh my Gosh, that must have been exciting."
Uh, what was, dad?
He had been listening on the radio. He knew what had happened. We had no idea.
I pretty much vowed then and there never to leave another sporting event early again. If there was any silver lining to that day it was that lesson, oh, and that I was pulling for Louisville and, despite the comeback, they lost anyway.
Saturday wasn't so kind to me.
Okay, technically, I didn't break my vow. I didn't leave a sporting event, I left a bar.
But still... a man down, and after another dude named "M. Taylor" was about to fuck the Gunners' season (this time with a first half brace), what the hell was I supposed to do?
Answer: have some semblance of faith or patience or at least continue to make friends commiserating with the other Arsenal fans at the bar. Nope, technically, I didn't even make it to half. After the 43rd minute deflection off Gallas and passed Almunia I just up an left. I screamed "fuck" as I stepped outside, then drove home listening to 'Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me" on the radio not because I'm a pretentious dick, but because I was too pissed to care what I was listening to (Note to NPR: Paul Provenza and Paula Poundstone are not funny).
It wasn't just that game that had pushed me to leaving, it was everything leading up to it. Save the CL tilt against Milan, the Gunners have been shit since getting their asses kicked in the FA Cup by United. In fact, even in the Emirates round of the Milan home-and-home, Arsenal blew all kinds of chances to draw at nil. Basically, for every minute of soccer played on English soil since about mid-February, Arsenal was either deliberately torturing its fans or simply sucking for reasons unknown.
Dropped points against Wigan, Birmingham, Villa, and I can't even remember who else anymore. So, sure, drop more points against Bolton.
Never mind that Bolton are fucking useless. Never mind that Bolton hadn't scored in its last seven-plus hours of play but somehow not only managed to net one on their first chance of the match but also get another on a deflection before half.
What sane person wouldn't leave? It's just football. I've got other shit to do with my day.
The worst part of leaving though, is that I get nothing from Saturday. By that I don't mean that the win doesn't even really "save" Arsenal's season. The Prem is gone. United looks unbeatable. Sure 2nd place would be nice for automatic CL qualification, but, if it doesn't happen, eh... big deal.
I mean I get nothing. Like with US Reed, I have no memory to go with the comeback.
Well, I do, but it totally sucks. My memory is seeing the gamecast tick by on Soccernet. And, about the 4th from the last comment, the person describing the action wrote something like, "Oh, that's a bit unlucky" as Bolton scored an own goal in the 90th to hand the minor miracle to Arsenal.
That's a pretty shitty memory for such an unreal comeback. I'm sure I deserve it.
Yes, it is just football, but that's why we watch. Or at least part of the reason—because the improbable might happen; because it is possible to be a man down on the road and outscore an opponent by three in the second half, including the last one on a bad-luck-evening-out own-goal deflection; and because those moments can be celebrated with near strangers like they are brothers.
Instead I was staring at some pixels on a screen. I wasn't there. I didn't even see it (except on highlights). And, although the comeback is nice, I robbed myself of all the emotional euphoria that makes being a fan worth dropping points against Avram Fucking Grant, makes it worth the suffering (or "suffering" rather... I do still have perspective).
But, in the name of US Reed, I vow I'm not leaving Ginger's early again.
Ever.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Brave Bolton Beat Their Way Through the UEFA Cup
Maybe the Madrid police were angry over the boring defensive style of football employed by Gary Megson?
The only thing more shocking than Bolton's aggregate win over Atletico Madrid yesterday was the fact that the Spanish police battered the away supporters. From most of the reports, it sounds like young, over-eager police were to blame. It's amazing that Bolton would engender any sympathy, but the whole situation started off weird what with Atletico posting Bolton's travel itinerary on their website. Violence against traveling supporters is happening more and more when English teams visit the continent, and it is rarely English hooligans to blame but rather ill-trained police. As usual, the talk is about learning from the police mistakes and making sure it doesn't happen again. It nonetheless sounds like Bolton have a right to feel aggrieved.
More importantly, however, is the fact that Bolton Are Useless (tm) managed to advance in the UEFA cup on a 1-0 aggregate. Bolton were clearly helped by the fact that Atletico's star striker Sergio Aguero was suspended for spitting in the previous UEFA match. Atletico have also been on a dismal run of play and have managed to drop league games lately in that catastrophic manner that Spanish teams are so capable of. If any team has the ability to frustrate a team into submission, it surely would be Useless Bolton. So, yesterday, Uselessness won out in a battle over Self-Destruction, and a few Bolton supporters were beaten for no good reason at all. When Bolton play, don't we all really lose something in the end?
(pics from inthenews.co.uk and the bbc)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It's Contest Time! How useless are Bolton?
We're not sure why football lends itself so well to contests -- "contests" are gambling minus money -- so we thought we'd run one here. After Bolton Wanderers sold Nicolas Anelka, they have been on a squalid run of goal scoring: only one goal in four matches.
Things are so bad they couldn't even score against Fulham! (uh, the goal is that-a-way)
So here is our contest:
How many goals do you reckon that Bolton will score in the Premier League during the 14 games that remain in their season?
The tie-breaker is how many goals will Bolton score against Atlético Madrid in their two UEFA Cup matches (penalty shootout doesn't count, and we'll assume Bolton won't advance past Atlético so any other goals scored in the UEFA don't count either).
The winner of the contest earns a Harrier Jump Jet (just kidding!). Actually, the winner only gets bragging rights, but around here that's as good as gold.
We invite you to play along at home, or in our comments section. We'll declare the winner after Bolton gets relegated. I compiled the scores "blindly" so no one knew what the others picked (and no, I didn't cheat - I picked mine before everyone else). Here's the scorecard:
Precious Roy: 5 league goals - 0 in UEFA
Moonshine Mike: 5 league goals - 1 in UEFA
Sven: 6 league goals - 2 in UEFA
Spectator: 8 league goals - 1 in UEFA
Badly Drawn Boykins: 8 league goals - 2 in UEFA
Ian: 10 league goals - 0 in UEFA
The Fan's Attic: 11 league goals - 1 in UEFA
Lingering Bursitis: 11 league goals - 1 in UEFA
ü75: 23 league goals - 1 in UEFA
Good luck! And remember, when Bolton fails to score a goal, everyone wins!
Speaking of winners, Eidur Gudjohnsen just turned down a move to the Wanderers, so things are looking good for our contest. Although, I can't imagine Gudjohnsen would give up the chance to move from Barcelona to northeast England.
photo: EUROSPORT.CO.UK
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