No Thanks Pal. Ronaldo's A Better Dribbler.

No go Diego.

Ex-Hollyoaks actress and publicity hoe junkie, Gemma Atkinson, has revealed that she spurned the advances of Argentinian rat and game thief Diego Maradona. Really? A hot WAG who poses in lads mags like Heat, Maxim and Loaded in nowt but her skivvies turned down the chance to spend the night with a 5ft 4 inch fat, disgusting, greasy, cheating douche-bag? I am stunned. After the jump a quote from Gemma and some pictures of her in aforementioned skivvies. SFW if you don't like your job much or have an office, or just don't care!

"He said I had beautiful eyes and I was like, ‘Wow thanks,' but he’s so short, he’s tiny."-Gemma Atkinson.

Here's what you asked for Diego.

Atkinson, who has previously dated Alan Smith and Christiano Ronaldo met Maradona at a charity match to benefit small junkies who failed to kill themselves. I actually made that last bit up, I don't know what the event was, It doesn't say here and I don't think it really matters.

Here's what you could have had Diego.

And here's what you didn't get Diego.

This startling revelation was revealed to an American journalist. She also revealed that she would be willing to take her clothes of for a future movie role. Look out for Gemma on the top shelf of your nearest bodega soon, in a video attached to a dubiously titled magazine wrapped in plastic.

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UF Special Report: Wanda Nara

Here it is Saturday afternoon, my wife is out helping a friend with wedding dress shopping, Liverpool just pulled of an injury time winner against Fulham, and it just so happens to sunny and nice outside. So, what do I decide to do? To provide UF with my special report on Argentine WAG extraordinaire Wanda Nara. The lovely lass you see up top and will see more of, a lot more of her, after the jump. In fact, let's just make this a preemptive NSFW warning for all pics after the jump and all links.


Who is Wanda Nara (NSFW Google Image search)?

She just so happens to be the new baby mama of former Barca and current Gremio striker Maxi Lopez, which is really just exhibit 89283 demonstrating professional athletes really punch above their weight in this aspect of life. Unfortunately for Maxi, Wanda's been drawing more attention than his play.

Him? Really?

But, there is more. Wanda also proclaimed she hand been touched (NSFW) by the Hand of God, but that she wouldn't be pressing charges. Diego Maradona denied the rumors.

Are those regulation size?

Channeling my best Billy Mays, but wait there's even more!!! She has a sex tape! Nara has definitely been taking notes in Paris Hilton Marketing 101.

She handles the trident well.

If you click now, I'll even throw in this odd video I just found. FOR FREE!! I'm not sure what it says, but I am pretty sure it is not very flattering of Ms. Nara. If any of you Spanish speakers wish to provide a translation in the comments it would be much appreciated.

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Taxman Cometh for Diego... kinda

Photo credit to Bigus

Tax watchdogs in Italy have put the screws to Diego Maradona over a reported $50+ million in decades-old excise debt. Maradona played for Napoli from 1984-1991, during which time one might recall his imploring the Neapolitan fans to support Argentina over Italy during the 1990 World Cup. Well, it seems you just can't satisfy some [slow-thinking Italian] people.

(Pssss... Best part after the jump!)

More! Per the AFP:

According to tax website Contribuenti.it, Maradona has still only paid 42,000 euros ($66,1500) of what he owes, as well as handing over two luxury watches.

Around 23.5 million euros of his debt is accounted for by interest on his original tax debt.

The real madness of the story lay not with Diego, oddly enough. The mystery here, for me at least, centers on Italian tax office. Who's running this place? Bookman? I'm going to go out on a weak, swaying, jounced limb and predict Naples won't see more than few thousand more dollars and another vinatge timepiece 'er two.

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Dios Mio, Diego

For those who enjoy schadenfreude, peep the latest chapter in Diego Maradona's managerial adventures: a 6-1 defeat in Bolivia, their worst defeat since a 5-0 pasting to the Colombians back in 1993.

On the bright side, at least no-one got hurt, right?

Vids and more after the jump.


1st Half


2nd Half


It was an ugly game for the Argies, who clearly failed to adjust to both the stifling thin air up there in La Paz, but to the new formation Maradona's been trying recently.

As Tim Vickery gushed over at the BBC, Diego's got the Albicelestes trying to run a 3-4-3 in a bid to keep all his strikers and attacking midfielders happy. When you're blessed with a front line of Tevez, Diego's son-in-law Aguero, and Messi, you do what you need to do. Add to that the raw talents of Ezequiel Lavezzi, and there's a logjam of strikers.

Against Bolivia, he ran a limp 4-4-2, changing everything entirely from the win over Venezuela; with the creaking veteran duo of Zanetti and Heinze at the back with newcomer Emiliano Papa comically holding down the middle (I'd mention Demichelis, but what's the point?), they got stomped.

It didn't matter that Gago and Mascherano both started in central midfield and tried to assert their good cop/bad cop routine (one leadeth the attack, the other taketh away), for they were overrun from the get-go. The goalie is new, the formations are new, and they're at a crossroads.

With all the changes and tactical "innovations", it all comes back to one thing: Maradona is about as good at managing a soccer team as he is at managing his drug addictions and violent temper.

They're lacking an identity and a style, looking more like a haphazard collective of individuals than anything remotely resembling a team, and it comes down to Maradona's inability to forge some continuity from the many talents his country is producing.

Said the tubby one, in typical florid style: "I suffered with them. Every Bolivia goal was a stab in my heart. If we had dreamed this was going to happen before the game, we would have thought it was impossible."

Sincere or not, something needs to change. For those of us that enjoy seeing the Argies falter, let's hope things stay just the way they are.

Read more on "Dios Mio, Diego"...

Quick Throw: Maradona's fighting crime

UF's favourite Argentine jheri-curled coke-snorter (note: Ariel Ortega was a close 2nd in this hotly-contested email debate) is joining forces with other Argie TV stars in a campaign demanding tougher punishments for violent criminals in the motherland.

It's a noble effort, but it has me wondering: what should his penalty be FOR STEALING THAT '86 WORLD CUP GAME RIGHT OUT OF OUR GRASP?!? F*CK SH*T F*CK YOU DIEGO!?!!!?!?!?

[Bloomberg]

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Could This Be The End Of The Diego Maradona Experiment?

It would be a shame if the world lost Diego Maradona as the Argentina National Team manager without a classic meltdown or drug scandal. The Sun is reporting that El Pibe de Oro is facing a year in jail after a hit and run incident in his homeland. The Bane of England allegedly rammed a phone booth with his 4x4 injuring two while presumably trying to take out Clark Kent at 6 a.m.

Now, if I know anything about Argentina and its national hero and South American politics, Diego will not be facing too severe sanctions. This will still allow a Maradona meltdown when he will undoubtedly call up his grandson, Aguerodona, to the 2010 World Cup team.

Lord, please let it happen.

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Hail the birth of Agueradona

Not Mrs. Maradona, and obviously not the baby. But still, look what he has to look forward to!

Let's all take a moment on this chilly Friday to hail the arrival on earth of what could well be the next Maradona, but considering the odds, will probably be just another human being in a desk job, or something far worse. Whatever he does in later life, you can bet soccer blogs, or whatever information-sharing technology we use in 20-odd years, will be following him closely.

Sergio Aguero's son was born yesterday, little Benjamin Aguero [The Offside went with Maraguero, whereas I fancy Agueradona. Personal taste, you know], and the mother is Maradona's daughter. You know the rest.

And so, we celebrate with a video of each player below the jump, to spark the imagination regarding the coked-up, temperamental goalscoring we might soon expect from this innately blessed child.

Welcome to earth, Benji. And remember: no pressure whatsoever.

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Cheating F**k Pig Maradona Cheats Chelsea Out Of Sleep

Not content with cheating a nation out of a place in the semi final of the World Cup in 1986, and with being listed on Wikipedia under the search 'cheat'. Diego Maradona feels he must continue his quest to f**k with English folk. This time it was Chelsea who fell victim to the fat, defrauding and dishonest manager of Argentina.

So what did Maradouchebag do this time?

He stole sleep from Chelsea ahead of their crucial game with Manchester United yesterday. Not that this is any excuse for the Blues' annihilation at Old Trafford.

Maradona set off the fire alarm at the hotel where he AND the Chelsea team were staying on Sunday morning, while smoking a cigar in his room. 200 guests were woken from their lavish slumbers at 7 am in the up-market hotel and booted into the street to shiver in their fancy robes as the fire brigade arrived to investigate.

Maradona was in Manchester to watch Tevez play against Chelsea. Big waste of time really, the vertically challenged forward didn't even play.

-Bigus

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Open Thread: The November Friendlies

I know you're angry and scared, Fabio. An England midfield without Gerrard is a truly frightening thought

No, the November Friendlies isn't the name of a new band from Ohio and we're not Pitchfork. It's time for international duties at the worst possible time, and in a period where everyone is so gripped by the league in full swing, or the Mickey Mouse Cup, or the early rounds of the FA Cup, or the Champions League, or the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or Gentlemen's Clubs or... well, you get the idea.

So many England regulars have handed in sick notes, and they're facing ze Germans in Deutschland this evening, while some permed Argentine with a runny nose is prepping a team to play up in Scotland. No clue what that's all about.

Talk about it all here. Will Maradona quit by half-time? Will England's B team do anything worth paying attention to in Germany? How many of your team's players will get hurt tonight (please, I beg you Daniel Agger, stay out of any nasty challenges)?

Quote BBC live-texter Caroline Cheese (yes, her real name):

I've just been in the United States of America for a couple of weeks, which is an utterly brilliant country except for the chronic lack of proper sport. I mean, the bombshell news about Aidy Boothroyd's departure from Watford did not warrant a mention in a single newspaper. Not a single one. Unbelievable. It was all Obama this, Obama that. So personally I couldn't be more excited about this evening's action, my first taste of soccer… ahem, football, for fully 21 days. You?

Ouch. Still, she's ready (and her sarcasm's working nicely), and so are we. To the comments section!


Tonight's Today's games:
Denmark vs. Wales (kicked off at 2.15pm ET... nothing of note thus far)
Germany vs. England
Northern Ireland vs. Hungary
Scotland vs. Argentina

Other notables:
Oh, who am I kidding, there are none. Serbia beat Bulgaria 6-1 earlier, in case you bet the under by mistake.

LINEUPS:
Germany: Germany: Adler, Friedrich, Mertesacker, Westermann, Compper, Schweinsteiger, Rolfes, Jones, Trochowski, Gomez, Klose.
Subs: Wiese, Hinkel, Tasci, Helmes, Podolski, Marin, Hitzlsperger, Schafer, Weis.

England: James, Johnson, Terry, Upson, Bridge, Wright-Phillips, Carrick, Barry, Downing, Defoe, Agbonlahor.
Subs: Carson, Robinson, Lescott, Richards, Mancienne, Davies, Parker, Bullard, Young, Crouch, Bent.
---

Northern Ireland: Taylor, Duff, Evans, Baird, McGivern, Gillespie, Clingan, O'Connor, Brunt, Lafferty, Healy.
Subs: Mannus, Tuffey, McGinn, Feeney, Shiels, Paterson, Thompson.

Hungary: Babos, Bodnar, Rudolf, Juhasz, Vanczak, Halmosi, Toth, Vadocz, Huszti, Gera, Torghelle.
Subs: Fulop, Vermes, Feczesin, Horvath, Dardai, Dzsudzsak, Szalai.

---
Scotland: McGregor, Hutton, Caldwell, McManus, Broadfoot, Brown, Hartley, Ferguson, Commons, McFadden, Iwelumo (how he keeps his place is beyond me).
Subs: Marshall, Alexander, Naysmith, Maloney, Clarkson, Berra, Miller, Robertson, Barr, McAllister.

Argentina: Carrizo, Zanetti, Demichelis, Heinze, Papa, Rodriguez, Mascherano, Gago, Gutierrez, Lavezzi, Tevez.
Subs: Romero, Coloccini, Denis, Cata Diaz, Villagra, Burdisso, Sosa, Lopez, Montenegro, Gonzalez.

---
Denmark: Denmark: Sorensen, Bogelund, Agger, Rasmussen, Kroldrup, Kristensen, Norregaard, Nordstrand, Krohn-Delhi, Bendtner, Rommedahl.
Subs: Andersen, Mtiliga, Jorgensen, Andreasen, Retov, Vingaard, Ilso, Larsen.

Wales: Myhill, Gunter, Williams, Collins, Bale, Edwards, Ramsey, Nyatanga, Collison, Bellamy, Evans.
Subs: Hennessey, Tudur-Jones, Blake, Ricketts, Morgan, Eardley, Vokes.
---

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Not so friendly.

As we head into a midweek international friendly fest, one game is getting more attention than it should. The Scottish (and the BBC) are embracing their hero and king of the cheats, Diego Maradona, ahead of tomorrow night's game with Argentina at Hampden Park. But there is still plenty of animosity towards the new Argentina coach. A former England captain doesn't forgive and neither do I.

First off this post is a bit of a rant and I have had enough coffee this morning to send an elephant to the 100 meter title. Still with me? Then read on.

There is no such thing as a friendly, especially this week with England taking on the auld enemy at the Olympic stadium in Germany. But as Capello's young team get a chance to impress against their biggest rival, another of England's rivals is being celebrated north of the border in what could be hailed as the friendliest of friendlies ever to be arranged.

Diego Maradona, known to me and most of my countrymen in such affectionate terms as 'that cheating bastard' is in Scotland for his first match in charge of Argentina. It's a real lovefest up there, But while a fat junkie cheat enjoys his welcome, Scotland number two (and traitor) Terry Butcher is still pissed at Maradona for 'that' goal 22 years ago. Aren't we all Terry!

"I will never forgive him. It was not nice to lose under those circumstances. I was selected for the drugs test with Gary Stevens and Kenny Sansom and ended up in the room with Maradona and two of his pals. Our World Cup was over and they were celebrating. It's very hard to forgive and forget in the circumstances. But it was 22years ago. I think I'm 4-1 to get a red card in the tunnel - it would be the fist of Terry Butcher rather than the hand. I remember coming back in 1986 and moving from Ipswich to Glasgow and I think I saw more Argentina strips in Scotland than I did in Mexico." - Terry Butcher.

Butcher is not alone with his sentiments and quite frankly all the attention that the cheating Argentinean is getting on his inaugural trip as manager is getting on my tits. Let's all celebrate a cheat, a liar and man who claims that 'cheating' is a fair way to win a game. It's not surprising that the Scottish are treating Maradona like a God; there is nothing more pleasing to a Scottish man than to see the English lose.

Personally I am not against them having their fun as they will never be a concern to England or its fans. It's also likely they will never have the chance to be cheated out of a place in the semi-final of the World Cup. Celebrate your defrauding arse clown Scotland... enjoy!

Scotland's pleasure is not my concern; however, the attention it is receiving IS. Maradona's Scotland trip has featured heavily on the BBC website every day since he arrived. Take today for instance. Have a quick look of the BBC football home page and you will find a headline article, another on the time Alan Hansen played Maradona, SIX video features and a picture slide show! In fact it's looks like a Maradona tribute blog right now. I have never known such a slanted week of reporting. All for a drug addict and a cheat. Maybe we should celebrate Marion Jones, Floyd Landis, Jose Canseco, Jeffrey Skilling and NBA referees.

Oh Bigus, it was 1986, get over it!

It's not just the Hand of God that makes Maradona a cheat. He was banned for 15 months for taking drugs while at Napoli and again in 1994 when he was sent home from the World Cup after failing a drugs test. In fact if you Wikipedia 'cheating' Maradona is featured near the top of the page.

Yeah I'm bitter and I hate Maradona with a passion, but what kind of message do you send when you can be revered for taking cocaine and bringing the game into disrepute? Nice message to the next generation of footballers and the millions of kids reading and watching all this nonsense.

While the BBC spends its time glorifying a cheat there is a friendly of note taking place tomorrow in Berlin. England take on Germany in a far more important game, important for being a game between two of Europe's biggest teams with immense history, bragging rights on the line. Does anyone really care about the hiding Argentina will bestow upon the minnows of Scotland? Seriously... the game isn't even sold out.

Rant over, weight lifted, and now I will review your incoming abuse in the comments below.

-Bigus.

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Thoughts on Maradona

Alright, so we're all a little excited and frightened about the news that Diego Maradona might well become the next manager of Argentina. How on earth did this happen? It's a perplexing announcement, to say the least. We kicked it around this morning, and after the jump, a few thoughts from everyone on surely the best managerial rumour in years.

Bigus Dickus:
The appointment of Maradona is a disgrace. The man is a cheat. He believes cheating is part of the game and that it should be encouraged under the name of "cheekiness". He should have been banned after the 'hand of god' incident in 1986, as he robbed 52 million people in that game and instead he was celebrated. Says a lot for the people of Argentina. That incident ruined my entire summer that year and forced parents to explain to children that cheating brought victory.

He brings the game into disrepute. He will surely be a bad example to young Argentines like Gago and Messi. Watch them become cheat's also. The AFA should be ashamed of themselves. Maradona ruined his amazing skills by robbing opponents and he still believes that cheating is right. He is bad for the world game and quite honestly it's a shame he is still with us.

This quote sums it up: "It was my hand (but) no, I don't think it was cheating. Cunning, cheekiness, craftiness, but not cheating." - Maradona.
-----

The Likely Lad:
Everyone thought Klinsmann was going to be a disaster, and while I'm not going to compare the two temperamentally, I think you could see a similar hosing of the expectations. Yes, he's going to do some weird shit. Yes, his press conferences are going to be clown shows. And without a doubt, he will completely alienate one or two important players. But guess what, I think he'll bring out the best in some guys you didn't think had much to give. As for Messi, unless Maradona kicks him in training-- and that's not impossible-- he'll be fine.

Final Verdict from the Lad:
Safe Choice? No. Potential for entertainment on and off the field? Staggering.
-----

Autoglass:
I refuse to believe this Maradona business. It must be April 1st somewhere. It's nonsense. It's crazy. Argentina is a proud footballing nation. Always one of the top five teams in the world. They play with power and beauty. They have the best kits in international football. And they make the English absolutely insane (the English blame Maradona for his "Hand of God" goal in the '86 Cup so that they don't have to watch Maradona's second - and winning - goal in that match.). In fact, this would only make sense if the Argies were concerned primarily with making the English insane. And they aren't.

Anyhoo, the notion that Argentina would hand over their national team to this fat, drug-abusing, deluded, utterly inexperienced manager is not just crazy...I refuse to believe it. It can't happen. Has Lute Olsen taken over the Argentine F.A. and chose Maradona because he can't get Mickey Mouse on the phone? It would be like the Lakers replacing Phil Jackson with Dennis Rodman. Would you believe that if you read it?
-----

Precious Roy:
There is no way this doesn't end well. Because if through some crazy underhanded shenanigans by the Gods this works and he pilots the Argies to victory in 2010, then hey, who couldn't win with that collection of talent? So yeah for Maradona. But the far more likely outcome that this goes the way of Isiah and the Knicks, holy shit is it going to be an entertaining freak show. A that's a win for the entirety of the non-Argentine football loving world. Brilliant job by the AFA.
-----

Spectator:
Scene: Maradona, Messi, Riquelme, and Tevez are on a football training
ground in Buenos Aires. Translated from Spanish (natch):

Maradona: Yeah, so, okay boys, gather around, stop dribbling that football. Let me tell you about the Hand of God at the 1986 World Cup.

Riquelme: Coach, but shouldn't we start preparing for our next qualifying match against Venezuela?

Maradona: Am I not the football coach?? I am teaching you how to win. (sniff) Right, so, the Hand of God, I was down there in the penalty area, those slow English defenders Hodge and Valdano are trying to cover me and....

Messi: But coach, we should really be working on our set pieces now, right? The game is in two days.

Maradona: (sniff) That's it! Messi, you're benched for the game.

Messi: But coach!?! I'm the team's best player.

Maradona: No, I am the best player on the squad, and I'll be taking your place. Now, more importantly, the Hand of God. Right, so, I'm down there in the English penalty area, I get past Hodge and Valdano, and then there's just the goalie Shilton to beat. That's when I lift the ball up, and then, knowing the ref was some stupid Tunisian...

Tevez: We know, coach, you used your hand. You've already admitted it. Now, look, we all want to get back to practicing for the big game. At this rate we won't even qualify for the World Cup!

Maradona: Enough! I can't believe that I can't even finish the story of the most miraculous goal ever scored without you little shits interrupting me. You are all benched! I'll play all 11 positions myself. Get off the pitch, get out of here!

FIN
-----

Ian:
Looks like the Argentine FA is making the same high quality decisions as the country's incompetent Presidential duo. I can see them wanting to instill a certain level of passion or desire in the players, but installing Maradona as coach reeks of desperation. And unlike Klinsman, Diego doesn't strike me as a coaching innovator full of new ideas and tactics. Instead, he is someone who wasted his athletic gifts and nearly died due to drugs and alchohol (in Buenos Aires the cocaine is named after Diego).

It's hard to imagine the players taking Maradona seriously as a coach, even if they revere him for his past accomplishments. The only way this works is if they put someone like Sergio Batista, who led the U-23s to the gold medal this summer, as the #2, and let Maradona spend his time sparring with the media and getting inside the head of Messi.

Seriously, though, this reeks of desperation.
-----

Moonshine Mike:
The pressers will be the best thing to happen to football. I expect a sex scandal, a betting scandal, and a drug scandal, in that order within 18 months if not from him, then from folks he has hired.
-----

The Fan's Attic:
There is no way this doesn't end well for us, Unprofessional Foul. Maradona is batshit insane. Maybe he can manage, but I doubt it. His press conferences and sideline antics will be worth the price of admission. If he succeeds great, he'll be even more insane. If he loses spectacularly he'll probably a little less insane than if they won. It's a win-win for the soccer snark business.

However, I firmly believe this will actually kill Maradona. I don't think his body can take that stress, especially if it doesn't go well. If he dies of a heart-attack on the sideline, I will not be surprised. It will only serve to make him a greater soccer god in the minds of Argentinians and I can't fault somebody dying while participating in something they truly love.

In short, this will be a giant mess of Maradona.
-----

u75:
If this comes to pass, it will be a lot of fun to watch. I think, though, that Maradona will do a better job with the team than Domenech has in France. While that may seem like apples and oranges, I say that the insane guy without real coaching experience is going to screw up less than the insane guy who thinks he knows what he's doing.

In all, his style will be the bluster of Mourinho, but without the results.
-----

Sven:
The only acceptable way (and likely) way for Maradona's tenure as the Argies' manager is on the sideline from a massive coronary.
-----

The NY Kid:
Is Maradona capable of running the Argentinian national team? I guess that depends on the availability of an all-you-can-eat buffet on the sideline and all-you-can-do cocaine on the team bus. While a fat, coked-up Maradona would certainly be an entertaining option, I would argue that it is also the only way that he can be successful. I mean, would you want a hungry, fiending Maradona considering strategy and formations? That's how we ended up with the 4-5-1! Sure, it will likely lead to a heart attack on the sideline, but if it also results in victory in South Africa I'm sure the rest of the country won't mind.
-----

What do you all think? Inspired push for glory, or sad, desperate PR move that could ruin its best players of the current generation?

Speak your mind in the comments. Further dramatic scenes like Spectator's are welcomed.

Read more on "Thoughts on Maradona"...

This Time He Missed

Diego Maradona, international soccer superstar, is in the press again, which it happens he is most happy to be even if not for the most glamorous of actions. This time Diego was leaving a Buenos Aries courthouse following an arbitration between him and his former manager, Guillermo Coppola (no word whether this is the next Nicholas Coppola). Leaving the building there was a phalanx of reporters following Maradona and a little fracas appears to have broken out.

Live television showed Maradona and his former wife, Claudia Villafane, as they tried to escape through a crowd of journalists. Maradona was heard to shout: "Don't push Claudia."

With camera crews and reporters surrounding him, Maradona was seen throwing a punch that apparently missed. There were no reports of injuries, but Maradona can be heard on video complaining: "They hit me with a camera!"

Ironically, the man known worldwide for punching a soccerball missed his intended target.

Asked for comment, England said, "Why couldn't this little shrimp have missed in '86?"

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Next Stop On the Maradona Diplomacy World Tour: Iran

The news broke the other day (and we're just getting to it today, natch) that Diego Maradona was seeking a new BFF. Apparently, Maradona has been playing nice with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sending well wishes to the (truly not very powerful) president of Iran. Interestingly, this is the third time (and that's a trend) Maradona has attempted to curry favor with the leader of a nation whose international goals are diametrically opposed to those of the USA. Why exactly is that? The answer (with less parentheticals) to follow.

So, Maradona has been supporting the elected leader of the nation George Bush supposedly most wants to invade next. Diego's Argentinian, so why should it matter? Well, it's the third recent occurrence of something like this happening. Back in 2004, when Maradona was dealing with the worst of his cocaine and weight problems, he went to Cuba for treatment. Because everyone knows that the best technology for these things existed pre-1959. Anyway, it worked well enough for Maradona to survive and allow himself to be Castros's puppet/praise the great nation of Cuba, depending on where your beliefs lie. Surely this was not a snub at the US, but just relieved praise for saving his life, right?

Soon after, 2005 to be exact, Maradona went to Venezuela to meet with President Chavez. For those that don't remember events in the past too well, Chavez at the time was goading US leadership about their position as a colonial force on the rest of the world. His actions at the time led to some rumors of an attempted US invasion to oust Chavez. Chavez, for his part, lapped this up saying any attempt at US invasion would be "soundly defeated". On the heels of all of this posturing, Maradona made his wat to Venezuela to meet the president. Two years later, Maradona was at it again, Appearing on Chavez's television show saying, "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength." Well, since he already hates this blog because of its writers' location, I guess I can let slip the reason why.

Now, if you had a tough time remembering who Hugo Chavez was last paragraph, It may be nigh on impossible for you to recall World Cup '94. You see, back in the heyday of horrible USA uniforms, the USA hosted the World Cup. Maradona was back for the Argentines, having led them to the last two finals, winning in 1986. Maradona was obviously on the slide in his career, and rumors of drug use hounded him. Well, after two games, he was sent home from the competition, having tested positive for five types of ephidrene. As the old joke goes, try to tell me this guy isn't high after he scored.

So, that's it then, isn't it? Maradona has obviously made it his post-football life's work to destroy the government of the country that sent him home from the World Cup, effectively ending his international career. No way could it be that Maradona is a committed leftist, espousing Marxist ideals while listing Che Guevara as his personal hero. He is definitely not trying to stem the tide of US cultural imperialism is any way. Nope, not at all.

Besides, as Andy Samberg points out below, Ahmadinejad is totally dreamy.

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If Maradona Could Turn Back Time

From the Department of Apologies That Are a Day Late and a Dollar Short comes Diego Armando Maradona. In an interview with The Sun, which I am told is the British equivalent of The New Republic, Maradona apologized for his infamous Hand of God goal, more than 20 years after his illegal use of hand helped Argentina defeat England in the 1986 World Cup,

But wait, he didn't apologize! Maradona said,

"If I could apologise and go back and change history I would."

Operative words being "if I could". That's almost as bad as the Andy Pettite non-apology! Maradona continued with a heavy sigh and his best attempt at "wistful",

"I cannot change history. All I can do now is move on."

Maradona also expressed regrets over his cocaine use, claiming,

"If I had never touched cocaine I would have been three times as good a player. There would be no debate about who was the best footballer the world had ever seen — me or Pele. Everyone would say me."

A cynic would suggest that it's all too easy for Maradona to say "sorry" when he's been enjoying folk hero status all these years. And an armchair psychologist would suggest that the same personality traits that drove him to cocaine addiction probably also gave him the drive to become a great athlete. You know what? I am a cynic and an armchair psychologist.

For what it's worth, I dislike Maradona much, much less than I did in the past. As a media figure, I'll take Maradona's provocations (his interview on the History of Soccer DVD is an absolute gem) over Pele's polite stupidity any day.

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