Punishment For Paddy?

Pudgy Sheffield United onion bag minder, Paddy Kenny, has been suspended after failing a drugs test. Kenny tested positive for Ephedrine after the second leg of the Blades play-off semi final against Preston North End back in May. Kenny claims the banned substance was in a cough medicine he bought over the counter. Ain't that what they all say?


Ephedrine IS found in cough and cold remedies and if he can prove he took the drug in that form, he will likely get a slap on the wrists. But if he took the stimulant in pill form he could be banned from playing for up to 2 years, effectively ending his career.

31 year old Kenny has been an ever present between the sticks at Bramall lane since 2002 when he moved from Bury for an undisclosed fee. He is often mocked by fans up and down the country for being chu..well, 'stocky'. He is also well known for some rather bizarre methods at keeping the ball out of his net (see below). Last season Paddy was dropped from the team after turning up late for training, sparking rumors that he was throwing his toys out of the pram over stalled contract talks. Manager Kevin Blackwell transfer listed Kenny for a spell before changing his mind.

The FA is investigating.


Unorthodox. Kenny in action.

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Live Blog: Real Madrid v. Barcelona

Remember that David Beckham guy? He used to play for MLS side LA Galaxy, which is what ties the above photo into this post, and before that he played for Real Madrid for several seasons. Sir Goldenballs played in a number of el Clasicos as a member of the Galacticos and it happens to be his birthday today! So let's wish him well and move on to the important business at hand.

I'm liveblogging the game! I have liveblogged in a while but I just popped a Vicodin for my bum knee and I slept only 4 hours last night, so this should be interesting.

Today's match has huge title race implications. Barca sits only four points ahead of Real Madrid right now, a Madrid win makes it seriously squeaky bum time for Barcelona as they have Champions League and Copa Del Rey matches still ahead of them. A victory would probably put the title to bed and a draw would at least have it ready for bed.

Both teams are thin at the back as Marquez is out for the season for the Catalans and Pepe is suspended for his temporary insanity against Getafe.

That the Madridistas are even in this position is simply amazing and has taken a great run of form to get there. In Juande Ramos' first match with Madrid they lost 2-0 to Barcelona. This was in December. Since then they have not lost a single league match and taken 52 of 54 possible points. Incredible.

I'm not sure what that says about Ramos or Tottenham--the club he led to the precipice of relegation but have rebounded quite nicely since his departure--but it certainly seems odd.

Later the lineups.

Real Madrid - Casillas, Metzelder, Cannavaro, Heinze, Ramos, Gago, Diarra, Marcelo, Robben, Raul, Higuaín

Barcelona - Valdés, Pique, Puyol, Abidal, Alves, Toure, Iniesta, Xavi, Henry, Eto'o, Messi

I have GolTV now which is great because I get to see so many more soccer matches. It's even greater because all the commericials are in Spanish, which I don't speak, and are just a bit crazy. Oddly enough, the commercials are all in Spanish, except the GolTV commercials, but most of the soccer is done with English commentary. Very odd.

Players entering and the music is not as regal as Champions League music. THey also don't have the kiddie chaperones for this match. Why not? Does somebody have a record we don't know about? My money would be on Puyol.

Tweeeeeeet! Game on.

1:00 - The announcer just told me we are going to rock. Xavi just got a great shot but directly at Casillas.

3:00 - Wow! Robben just blew by Abidal. It was an F1 versus a gokart.

5:00 - Eto'o just offside otherwise he was clear on Casillas.

8:00 - Abidal was lucky to get the call as he was dispossessed by Raul who tried to catch Valdes out of position with a long shot.

10:00 - Great game so far as both sides are attacking, unlike a certain oligarch controlled London club.

12:00 - Opposite defender left the left Madrid defenders out to dry keeping Messi on and then letting him get at Casillas who cleared and was fouled by the little flea.

GOALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! HIGUAIN!!!

14:00 - What a nice buildup, Ramos blows by Abidal and crosses it to the middle of the box where an unmarked Higuain rose to meet it with a header into the net. Very nice, poor defending. Abidal is having a horror match so far.

15:00 - And we're back on the other end as Henry takes it down the left line drawing in the defense and picks out a streaking Eto'o who just misses connecting in what surely would have been a goal.

Note: Eto'o wasn't really streaking. He still had his clothes on.

17:00 - GOALLL!!! HENRY. 1-1.

Messi fed Henry who controlled brilliantly and slotted home from the left side of the goal easily. Madrid's high line bit them in the ass there.

This is pacy, end-to-end action.

20:00 - Cannavaro fouls Titi just on the left endline outside the box. Xavi lines up over the ball...

GOALL!!!! PUYOL!! 2-1 Barca.

More poor marking.


22:00 - Holy crap! Valdes saved an Alves own goal. Higuain crossed it into the box and Alves was streaking back to cover and nearly knocked it in only luck allowed Valdes to be in the right place.

Abidal booked for elbowing Robben. There is going to be a red in this game and I think Abidal will get it.

24:00 - Casillas stones Messi after the umpteenth time the high Madrid line has hurt the team and allowed Barca a great chance.

Ramos booked for tripping Henry.

I forgot to mention the great bit of footwork Higuain showed prior to the near own goal to keep possession. It was marvelous.

26:00 - Messi has switched sides to help keep Ramos from Serging forward.

Xavi links up nicely with Eto'o on the right who gets a nice look at the goal but Casillas is up to the challenge.

Really? I was thinking I wanted to snip Hudson's vocal chords.

29:00 - Iniesta and Messi link up with deft passing in the box but Casillas comes out to gobble up Messi's shot. Iker has been stupendous.

32:00 - Raul collects it just outside the 18 and turns and fires a nice shot just over the bar. One of his few touches so far after a hattrick last week.

33:00 - Messi nearly beats Casillas with a cheeky chip from the endline, but Iker scrambles and just keeps the ball out. On replay, the chip was even more amazing as he gave it spin with the outside of the foot and almost works. Amazing.

36:00 - GOAL!!! Messi. 3-1.

Xavi stole the ball from Diarra, terrible, terrible play, and fed Messi who just slotted it home.

Madrid's defense is about as bad as Liverpool's against Arsenal.

39:00 - Puyol booked. The ensuing free kick drops right into the box untouched. I don't know how Madrid couldn't put that one in.

Barca's defense is as bad as Madrid's. It's just that Madrid's midfield can't maintain possession right now.

42:00 - Robben throws a temper tantrum after getting whistled for a foul. Barca gives it right back to Robben who does the same in kind.

45:00 - Marcelo booked for stepping on Messi. Free kick center pitch from about 35 yards out.

Alves takes the kick and Casillas with another diving save. The only reason this game isn't 6-3 is Iker Casillas and Barca's defensive luck.

Halftime

I'm exhausted. This match hasn't paused for a moment.

The question is how will Ramos adjust at halftime. Los Blancos are having no time on the ball in the midfield. They need to possess the ball more with quick passes to unlock the backline. It's not like the Barca defense is a complex bank vault...it's more like one of those luggage locks.

Madrid started off the match brilliantly but Barcelona turned up the intensity. A few instances where the pressure defense burns them and Madrid should give themselves a little bit of breathing room. Plus, the need to go back to Robben who was absolutely torching Abidal. Perhaps switching Robben to the left side to rein in Alves would work and Marcelo has good skill to hurt Abidal.

Barcelona for its part may not want to change a thing. Although, I think sitting back to support its defense a bit more might be warranted despite the success it reaped in the first half. But, you never really want to take your foot off the gas.

46:00 - Game on. Did you catch your breath? I haven't.

No lineup changes.

48:00 - The vampire with nifty footwork frees himself for a quality shot from 18 that splays wide right.

49:00 - Xavi on the corner won by Henry, headed clear by Gago.

52:00 - Robben goes to ground too easily and can't get the call on Puyol.

54:00 - Messi with a zig-zag run beats Metzelder but Messi runs out space and flashes it across the goal mouth...it was a difficult angle but Messi has already shown that is no obstacle for him today.

55:00 - Robben had Abidal beat but Valdes came way off his line, outside his box, to stop Robben who subsequently wins a free kick.

GOALLLLLL!!!!! RAMOS!!! 2-3.

Robben with a wonderous free kick delivered straight into the 6 and Ramos was unmarked and headed it in. This game is back on. Barca slowed up to start this half, but I imagine this will change that.

58:00 GOAL!!! HENRY!!!! 4-2 Barca.

Henry kept himself onside after a great ball from Xavi at midfield and then just had to beat Casillas who was charging out.

Van der Vaart Klaas Jan Huntelaar on for Marcelo.

59:00 - Messi misses a simple tap in wide somehow.

60:00 - Henry comes off and Ketia comes on.

65:00 - Robben with excellent control deep on the sideline, but Pique picks his pocket. Robben is now on the left side.

The match has finally taken a breather. So, now it's time for your public service announcement of the day. I just found out there is a class action lawsuit against Bluetooth manufacturers for hearing loss. Unfortunately, it's not one of the class actions that will get you 40 or 50 bucks for free from the settlement. I guess there is not enough money so they are just going to give it to a non-profit. If you don't opt out, you will be bound by the result and if you consequently suffer hearing loss because of a bluetooth headset you won't be able to recover.

69:00 - Van der Vaart warming up.

71:00 - Ketia falls right on top of Diarra.

Ramos off with Van der Vaart off. Interesting.

73:00 - Diarra gets away with a bad tackle in the box. Probably a penno. He should probably get a penalty just for changing his name to Lass.

Van der Vaart booked for a bad tackle on Alves.

75:00 - GOAL! Messi. 5-2 He beats Casillas near post after Messi received a return pass from Xavi that unlocked the defense. Just great, precise passing. Excellent.

79:00 - Robben off, Javi Garcia on. The wheels have come off this match. Madrid's tires were slashed and Barcelona I think just let some air out of their tires to deal with the bumpy terrain.

82:00 - GOAL!!! Pique. 6-2. Casillas made a great save but couldn't corral the ball and Pique picked it up and got the junk goal.

The fans are streaming out of the Bernabeu. No word whether Nives Celsius was seen on the roof.

85:00 - Iniesta and Toure off, Bojan and Busquets on.

This is really quite embarassing for Real Madrid. I'm sure there will be even more rumors that Ronaldo will be coming to the Spanish capital tomorrow and this week.

The La Liga title will undoubtedly return to Catalonia after a two year stay in Madrid after this thumping. Barca need only win one more match to clinch the title.

90:00 - No extra time despite 3 goals and several yellows in the second half. What a thumping. The first half was compelling but Madrid just couldn't contain the midfield and maintain possession. It's a pity there will be no more intrigue with the La Liga title this year. Madrid put up a good fight this season but to no avail.

Ray Hudson seems to think Chelsea are cowards for their choice of play this past week. I think Ray Hudson is an idiot.

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Telford Terry Prefers Drugs to Football.

Terry Fearns (White shirt), on his way down?

Non-league striker Terry Fearns has been sacked by AFC Telford of the Blue Square North, after being arrested on the suspicion of selling drugs. The Former Wigan trainee and Southport player had been a consistent goalscorer in the amateur leagues before his fall from grace.

It appears that it was not just the drug arrest that saw Fearns fired. He was suspended recently after failing to show up for training AND a home game.

The Police raided Fearns home back on March 9th. He was bailed to appear in front of police again sometime in May. The player has not been charged yet.

Fearns was a success at Vauxhall motors (111 goals) and at Southport, scoring 41 goals in 2005 to see the team promoted. The following year the net bulged less and Southport flogged him to Droylsden. He has scored 17 goals for AFC Telford this season.

It appears that Terry may now have to settle for scoring goals in jail. Who says non-league football is boring!

-Bigus

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Drug Trafficking Isn't Just for Mexican Clubs

That's a lot of blow.

You may remember the story a few months ago regarding Mexican club Mapaches de Nueva Italia which was linked to several drug cartels. Well, now it seems that those involved in La Liga want in on some of the action.


Court proceedings began today in Madrid against 11 people who were arrested for cocaine smuggling after Spanish police made arrests on Thursday and seized 600 kilos of cocaine. Um, that's a shit-ton of powder, worth around $100 million after cutting (don't ask how I know these things). The drugs had allegedly been shipped from Argentina (can anyone account for Maradona's whereabouts?) through Tangiers, Morocco into the southern Spanish port of Algeciras. The shipment was then taken by truck to Madrid where the police made their raid before it could be unloaded.

The alleged ringleader of the operation is Serbian-born Zoran Matijevic, a football agent who currently holds French citizenship (oh, I see - blame the French). Even better, Matijevic was once in charge of recruiting for OGC Nice in Ligue 1 - presumably he lured younger players with the promise of copious amounts of blow. His partners in crime also had ties to football, as had recruited (HA! Get it?) Pedrag Stankovic, formerly of second-division club Hercules, and Carlos de la Vega Diaz, a current player for second division club Rayo Vallecano (who are currently in 3rd place).

Given the fact that Spain acts as a port of entry for a significant amount of the drugs entering Europe from South America, the Spanish police have been cracking down on these quasi-cartels over the past few years. I think that Zoran and his boys are in for a bit of quiet time.

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Drug Cartels and Footy: A Match Made in Hell

Cocaína. Nieve. Basuco. No, this isn't a story about Adrian Mutu. It's about Mexican second division (which is actually the third level of footy) club Mapaches de Nueva Italia, which plays its matches in Michoacan. Mapaches plays in the Bajio group of the Liga de Nuevos Talentos, which is described as being composed of teams that have no interest in being promoted and are solely interested in developing talent. Unfortunately, Mapaches members may be developing their talent in singing narcocorridos.



The Guardian has noted that Mexican prosecutors are investigating Mapaches for possible links to several drug cartels. After conducting a raid on the club after a game in Mexico City which resulted in the arrest of numerous Mapaches players and club officials, federal authorities are convinced that the club is involved in money laundering activities. For the past several years, Michoacan has been one of the centers of Mexican drug-trafficking (the preferred route now that Miami is considered too visible) as drug cartels look for effective smuggling routes for cocaine.

But the story out of Morelia (the capital of Michoacan) is more confusing by the month. After cartel members threw grenades into a crowd in September (on Mexican Independence Day), President Felipe Calderón, who is from Morelia, mobilized thousands of soldiers to root out those responsible. Initial reports claimed that two cartels are potentially responsible, although it remains unclear. One possible cartel is the Zetas, based out of Matamoros (fun side-trip when on South Padre Island for Spring Break!). They have in turn blamed La Familia, a smaller cartel that the Zetas trained, for the attacks. For now the Mexican authorities seem to believe them, as they have rounded up and beaten several members of La Familia. Although it's unclear why the cartel would target civilians, it does increasingly look like Mapaches provided them with a way to launder all of their ill-gotten gains.

I would keep an eye on Torres and Orozco.

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On Adrian Mutu, cocaine and the gloablization of sport

For all the talk about how futbol will never catch on in the United States, I’d like to add another counter-argument to the pile: Witness exhibit A, to the left, which shows that today the fourth most accessed story on cnn.com was an AP report that Adrian Mutu was fined $18.6 million by FIFA over his suspension and eventual sacking in 2004 for cocaine use. As you might recall, Mutu was signed by Chelsea for around 10 million euros but barely lasted a season due to a failed drug test. Hence, FIFA's proposed fine comes out to roughly the amount that Chelsea spent on the transfer fee. (To Mutu’s credit, he seems to have made good on his dalliance, keeping his proverbial nose clean in the Serie A, and is about to lead Romania at the Euros.)

Now, back to the cnn.com story, because as shocking as a $18.6 million fine might be, when you actually read the article you see that the matter was referred by the Court of Arbitration for Sport so that FIFA could calculate damages. The case will be appealed to a civil court, who could overturn the ruling or reduce the damages. So, a $18.6 million fine sounds like a fairly salacious news story, and it might be, but this leads to my point....

How the hell did this wind up being the fourth most read story on cnn.com if no one in the United States cares about football?

The answer to this admittedly strawman argument is that people in the United States do care about football because football is capable of producing just as much, if not more, interesting news than any other sport. For all the idealistic talk about the purity of sports, the truth is that sport is very much a soap opera. If you doubt this, than you have never listened to sports talk radio or read a sports blog. And I don’t mean “soap opera” in the pejorative sense, but rather that there is an inherent drama that goes into the game and, as Ronaldo’s tranny hookers have shown us, what happens off the field is often just as amusing as what happens on the field.

By sheer economy of scale, football has so many more players, teams, managers, owners and Special Ones, meaning that there are that many more opportunities for wacky news fodder. Hence, Mutu’s $18.6 million fine making it on to cnn.com’s hit page. All it takes are a certain number of bored office workers to click onto a salacious-sounding headline and voila.

This is why tWWL’s move to cover the English Premier League makes so much sense, and why growing football in the U.S. by covering Europe rather than boring MLS makes sense too. Footballers are, as a group, just as fucking insane and classy and flawed and amazingly gifted as any athletes in the NFL, MLB and NBA (and maybe NHL, but other than the occasional fight or slashed jugular vein, hockey players are fairly dull). With all the Friedmans talking about the global economy, why not give more coverage to the World’s Most Popular Sport? It is more exotic and -- the crucial point -- you don't give up anything by following football. You can follow the NFL, MLB and NBA and football too!

And here poor Adrian Mutu thought that he had only done a few lines of blow. No, I say that he has brought a revolution to these very shores!

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Next Stop On the Maradona Diplomacy World Tour: Iran

The news broke the other day (and we're just getting to it today, natch) that Diego Maradona was seeking a new BFF. Apparently, Maradona has been playing nice with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sending well wishes to the (truly not very powerful) president of Iran. Interestingly, this is the third time (and that's a trend) Maradona has attempted to curry favor with the leader of a nation whose international goals are diametrically opposed to those of the USA. Why exactly is that? The answer (with less parentheticals) to follow.

So, Maradona has been supporting the elected leader of the nation George Bush supposedly most wants to invade next. Diego's Argentinian, so why should it matter? Well, it's the third recent occurrence of something like this happening. Back in 2004, when Maradona was dealing with the worst of his cocaine and weight problems, he went to Cuba for treatment. Because everyone knows that the best technology for these things existed pre-1959. Anyway, it worked well enough for Maradona to survive and allow himself to be Castros's puppet/praise the great nation of Cuba, depending on where your beliefs lie. Surely this was not a snub at the US, but just relieved praise for saving his life, right?

Soon after, 2005 to be exact, Maradona went to Venezuela to meet with President Chavez. For those that don't remember events in the past too well, Chavez at the time was goading US leadership about their position as a colonial force on the rest of the world. His actions at the time led to some rumors of an attempted US invasion to oust Chavez. Chavez, for his part, lapped this up saying any attempt at US invasion would be "soundly defeated". On the heels of all of this posturing, Maradona made his wat to Venezuela to meet the president. Two years later, Maradona was at it again, Appearing on Chavez's television show saying, "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength." Well, since he already hates this blog because of its writers' location, I guess I can let slip the reason why.

Now, if you had a tough time remembering who Hugo Chavez was last paragraph, It may be nigh on impossible for you to recall World Cup '94. You see, back in the heyday of horrible USA uniforms, the USA hosted the World Cup. Maradona was back for the Argentines, having led them to the last two finals, winning in 1986. Maradona was obviously on the slide in his career, and rumors of drug use hounded him. Well, after two games, he was sent home from the competition, having tested positive for five types of ephidrene. As the old joke goes, try to tell me this guy isn't high after he scored.

So, that's it then, isn't it? Maradona has obviously made it his post-football life's work to destroy the government of the country that sent him home from the World Cup, effectively ending his international career. No way could it be that Maradona is a committed leftist, espousing Marxist ideals while listing Che Guevara as his personal hero. He is definitely not trying to stem the tide of US cultural imperialism is any way. Nope, not at all.

Besides, as Andy Samberg points out below, Ahmadinejad is totally dreamy.

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Gazza pulls a Maradona, goes batshit insane

Paul Gascoigne has been taken against his will to a mental institution after being sectioned following a presumed altercation at the Malmaison Hotel in Newcastle overnight.

One of these men is a drunken, red faced twat. The other is Gazza.
Photo courtesy BBC

After the jump, pure, wild speculation on what happened.

The way I see it, only one thing could have happened. Gazza, tired of being an international punchline for wasting his talent while in search of birds, drugs and drink had decided to turn his life around. He had gone to the Malmaison for the most upscale AA/NA meeting on earth, because as everyone knows, Newcastle is where the posh junkies are. Being rich, he was able to fly through all 24 steps (12 on each side) in a single day. Jubilant, Gazza reemerged into the Newcastle night.

Oddly, the moment that Gazza was leaving the hotel, Vinnie Jones emerged Omar-style out of a shadowy alley and started heckling him. Vinnie told Gazza that he needed to apologize for allowing Jones to catch a chill years before when Gazza refused to lend him a sweater. Gazza blanched, and told Jones to forget it, as Vinnie would have just stretched the neck out. Jones started to walk off, passing Gazza, but left him with a final reminder of who owned the power in the relationship.
Gazza, recalling the pain from early in his playing career that caused him to go off the tracks back then, went wild. Details are sketchy at this point, but he may have turned into a giant, radioactive wolfman who started attacking the hotel. Witnesses say he appeared to be trying to punch the building into tiny bits when the local police got involved. After a barrage of bullets and billy clubs, he morphed back into naked Gazza. He tried to slink off, but was then arrested and remanded. Video of this part of the night can be found below.

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