Vinnie Jones' Latest Film Role

Vinnie Jones has a new movie out. Yeah!!! Although, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing any promotion of his latest work.

See, it's the CCTV video of his barroom brawl in South Dakota. What you don't see is Jones on the receiving end of a beer glass to the face that required 48 stitches. What you do see is a very large plumber's butt.



Update: Here is a local newspaper article on the fight with the two opposing stories.

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No WAG For You!

Here at UF, we love a good WAG. Big Phil Scolari, however, does not.

The Spartak London gaffer and Gene Hackman look-a-likey has asked that his players find some nice un-wag-like ladies to settle down with, due to his disdain for the glitz and glamour that so easily sidetracks players and derails a season faster than you can say "Jermain Defoe."

So what's he have to say about it all? Surely there's a good quote or two...

The WAG culture is set in deep at Stamford Bridge, Ashley Cole is married to super WAG Cheryl Cole. Namesake Joe is currently enjoying his WAG Carly Zucker, and she is enjoying the lime-light of reality TV as she stars in I'm a celebrity, Get me out of here. Anelka also keeps a WAG (Barbara Tausia) in togs. Frankie Lamps likes to hang out with his hot Spanish WAG Elen Rives and Champions League Trophy escape artist John Terry has his own WAG, Toni Poole.

Anelka and his WAG.

Big Phil should surely be thinking about his team's chances of dropping out of the Champions League later today. Maybe Big Phil is trying to launch a second career as a match-maker? He may need a job; if Cluj draw or win at the Bridge and Bordeaux beat Roma, that scenario would see them crashing out of the competition leaving Big Phil without a job. He announced last weekend that he would quit if Spartak London lose to Cluj and fail to make the next stage of the CL. But no, Scolari is only interested in WAGs today...

"The best thing for a player in their football life is to have a good wife. If a player has a good wife, you don't need to worry about him. Today, if a player is intelligent, they have money for their family for the second generation and even the fifth generation. But some players don't think about this. Some players only think about today, spending money for the day, spending money on a car, nights out and on this and on that."

So who would Phil prefer his Spartak stars hook up with? Here is the UF Big Phil Suitable Birds Top Ten as suggested by the UF crew, along with possible players that might be compatible. We realize several of the lads are married, but should their star-studded unions shatter like most do (especially when the ladies concerned are impossibly gorgeous), this list is full of suitable fallbacks.

10. Rachel Ray:
Fairly hot, and she cooks! No more nights out at China White, but nights staring at white China. Would be a good fit for Frank Lampard, a man who knows and appreciates a good meal.

9. Carol Vorderman:
You will never need a calculator again. Just let Carol tally up your ridiculous wages. She will also help you spell your name. A good fit for Ashley Cole, whose vanity might well require a lovely lady to tell him how much money he made switching from Arsenal to Spartak.

8. Katie Holmes:
No fear of her looking at another player across the dance floor at Stringfellows. Oh no. Holmes is, well, a Holmes maker. She will bare your child, chop of her hair and join a cult for you. Now that's dedication. Michael Ballack, obviously! With Tom Cruise playing a German in his latest film, me thinks Holmes is just warming up to a far more authoritarian life.

7. Sarah Palin:
Bit MILFY but she would keep you in check. Saturday nights at the witch doctors house to help that Saturday afternoon knock heal and Sundays shooting dinner from a chopper. Then it's back home for some deer dressin' and some baking, maverick-style. More fun? Days off will involve 20 mile snomobile races and icicle counting competitions. You Betcha! Don't forget to wrap up warm, we don't want those soccer balls to freeze. The perfect foil for John Obi Mikel, a man who could use some backcountry discipline.

6. Anne Robinson:
Available to entertain all the kinky school principal fantasies you ever had. Smart, condescending, and will keep the hungry paparazzi at bay with her 'death stare' and collection of ancient torture weapons. "Did you play well today? Were you the weakest defensive link?" Surely the apple of John Terry's eye, as Robinson can soothe his Champions League pain while dishing out the grit needed to helm the Spartak central defense.

5. Erin Burnett:
Sexy, smart and sassy. Has a real career of her own and is unlikely to show up in a bikini in any sort of public forum (though, yoga attire on the Today Show cannot be ruled out). Plus, we generally lust after her. A perfect match for Deco, one whose baffling inconsistency in form could only be explained by someone who can read the stats and make sense of them.

4. Helen Chamberlain:
She clearly knows the sport well thanks to Soccer AM, and her lifelong love of Torquay United might well make her the most boring wife-to-be on the planet. No danger of trouble in the press (although her Penthouse photo shoot makes her a daring choice - NSFW) Ricardo Carvalho could use some south coast culture. He should be so lucky...

3. Jennifer Aniston:
She's flexible/understanding; Can put up with douchebags (see: Mayer, John), pretty-boys (see: Pitt, Brad), big-game-talkers (see: Vaughn, Vince) or basket-cases (see: Wilson, Owen). Methinks if you give her a baby, she'll give you the world. Didier Drogba would work well, as he's a combination of all 4 types of men Aniston has experience with in her dating history.

2. Brandi Chastain:
The ultimate soccer mom! Made famous by her sports bra, she'll surely be able to help out in training while also making sure the kids understand the offside trap. Boring enough and quiet enough for the lumbering giant in goal, Petr Cech.

1. Natalie Portman:
She looks great and will dress up in Star Wars outfits for you. 'Nuff said. Oh you need more? She speaks French, German, Arabic, Japanese and of course Bocce. Joe Cole, step on down! You're the only one small enough and likeable enough to deserve her.

Honorable Mention: Karren Brady
You would be dating a football boss which would give you an advantage in negotiations either because she's your boss or she would give you pointers. Plus, she ain't bad for a millionaire 39 year old lady. She'd have been good for Shevchenko while he was still at the Bridge, mainly because she could have negotiated him a much better career.

Any other potentials that could keep the Spartak London players quiet?

-Bigus.

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UF Quick Throw: Keane gets a sorry

Sunderland have apologized to Roy Keane, and he's accepted. Shouldn't it be the other way round? The article also mentions he is eager to return to management. Who would hire such a quiet quitter?

[The Guardian]

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Breaking: Juande Ramos in at the Bernabeu

Expect more scenes like this if Real keep losing

So it's official: Schuster out, Juande "EPL Hero" Ramos in at Real Madrid.

He's taking over an aging team that can't defend and that will hold the noose tighter around his neck than just about any other club on earth, thanks to that long, illustrious history Real has that we hear so much about. In short, it's a much worse situation than the one he undertook at White Hart Lane, despite all the extra money and galacticos present.

Is there any possible way this works out? Is Ramos just built for Spain? One thing is certain: he's built for the Carling Cup.

Oh, and his first task? A trip to Barcelona this Saturday. Brilliant!

[The Times UK]

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Monday Backpasses: No actual Daily Mail links today

Just a gentle reminder for those who run their own blogs and keep up with our site. We like you. We want to link to your stories. Think I like having to link to Daily Mail every day? NO. Just send us some stuff over at the gmail address, make sure it does not suck, and see the tens of page hits help you out. Okay? Thanks!

Kickette finds some long lost brothers in Seattle. Bonus fun coat [Kickette]
Marcelo lost some fans in Madrid. [The Offside]
Book looks at English football days of yore. Page has a couple of pretty cool photos [Mirror]
Moritz Volz gives details on his, ahem, shaving habits [Times Online]

Either DIC has moved into the walking-away phase of bidding, or Liverpool are going to be stuck with Hicks and Gillett down into League One [SI]
Try searching for Maradona on Argentine Yahoo!. Seems odd [Times Online]
Fans of Flamengo in Brazil plead with team to throw game--so their rivals will relegate [Sunday Mail]

And, finally:
Italian player in Serie C is also a gigolo to the stars. Including some Serie A players. Any guesses who? [Goal.com]

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Uh-Oh: Zidane Isn't Happy

Everyone knows that Zidane has kept busy, albeit with a lower profile, since retiring from footy after "the incident." He's been hilariously linked to MLS squads, been used as evidence, and been turned away from comforting his friends. In France, however, Zizou will always be a legend, and the French media continually chase after him to ask him loads of useless questions.



But this time around, Le Parisien decided to do something a little different and they got Zizou to agree to be "interviewed" by some of their readers. Some of the notable questions and answers, translated for you below:

Q: You have recently been criticized in several books, notably that of Jerome Rothen, who says that you insulted him during a European club match. What is your reaction?

A: I haven't really wanted to respond before now, since I have better things to do. With everything happening in the world today, there are more important things. (Ed. note - pretty standard so far). That's his (Rothen's) version of the story, not mine. I know where it comes from, and I've said some stupid things in my life, but on that day (emphasis mine; so, is Zizou saying that he has insulted Rothen on another day?) I did not say that to him. But it bothers me that this comes out in a book when we have crossed paths 5 or 6 times and he never said anything to me about it. I called him and left a message, but didn't hear back. And then I hear that he said it was all taken care of.

(Ed. note - the alleged nasty words from Zizou to Rothen were "son of a whore", which sounds awfully familiar).

Q: Your ex-teammate Emmanuel Petit wasn't very nice to you either.

A: With Petit it's the same thing, even worse because I know him so much better. I hate it when people aren't honest, and he is being a hypocrite because he does the same thing as me. I do what I want with my life.

(Ed. note - Petit has accused Zidane of "chasing money" and only doing things in retirement for large companies/events).

Q: What do you think of "La Marseillaise" being whistled at the friendlies against Morocco and Tunisia?

A: I think it is an indefensible act.

Q (follow-up): Do you think it is a reflection of the difficulties in France regarding immigration and generational issues?

A: It's like racism in the stands - it's a few people (maybe 400 or 500) who are spoiling things. I don't know how to stop it, but I don't think that stopping the match is the solution. In fact, that might make things worse.

Q: Do you miss Les Bleus?

A: I will always miss the pitch. (Ed. note - notice he didn't say that he would miss the team, as there is no love lost with Domenech). I am taking care of my family, which I haven't been able to do for 17 years. But I will return to football, since it is what I do best.

Q: Yoann Gourcuff has been touted as your successor. Is that too much weight for anyone's shoulders?

A: There will always be comparisons. Gourcuff has a brilliant future, and I love the fact that when he is on the pitch he is playing for the team.

Q: What are your impressions on the election of Barack Obama?

A: In France, people aren't ready for a black president. In terms of success for the people, it's easier to be an athlete or rapper (Ed. note - hey, just like the US!).

Q: Have you ever used a performance-enhancing drug?

A: When I was at Juventus, we all took creatine, which is prohibited in France but legal in Italy. I don't think it was dangerous.


So there you have it. Zizou doesn't care for the literary exploits of Rothen and Petit, thinks immigration in France is still a big issue but whistling the national anthem is disgraceful, feels that America has progressed further regarding civil rights, and popped creatine during his days at Juventus.

By far, the best part of the interview for me was the following:

"Est-ce que tu… est-ce que vous pensez… (Zidane l’interrompt : « Tu peux me tutoyer ». « Ah c’est cool, répond Djordje, je tutoie Zizou, t’as vu ! ».)"

This was from the person who asked him about "La Marseillaise." In France, people use the "vous" form of "you" when speaking formally or to someone whom they don't know, and the "tu" form when speaking informally or to someone they know well (although there are generational differences in these patterns, with youngsters more likely to use "tu" for everyone). So, basically, the reader starts to ask the question using the informal "tu", catches himself and then starts over using "vous." But Zizou interrupts him and tells him that he doesn't have to be so formal, and the guy gets all giddy.

To be fair, if I were speaking face-to-face with Zizou and he said that to me, I think I would faint.

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UF Monday Market Place

The Market Place is back for its second week. And with a new cool new graphic. See it? Up above... clever, eh? Credit to Bigus. In case you missed the first edition, a reminder: Past performance is not indicative of future returns. We're just as clueless as everyone else, if occasionally more droll. Like this chair.




BUY! BUY ! BUY!

...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Barca-- This as much a comment on the sorry state of Real as it is about the marauding Catalans. Barcelona dropped four on then-second place Valencia Saturday-- apparently some French guy had a big game-- then watched Madrid come back twice, only to lose 4-3 on an 85th min goal from Sevilla's Renato. The vultures are in flight to the capital.

Buy Fulham-- Haven't lost since November 1. Haven't lost at home since September 27. Three straight draws with Liverpool, Villa, and Man. City. We're in. Rescue Roy was no fluke. The middle of the table is their playground. Oh, and try to pick up a some Jimmy Bullard-backed derivatives while your wallet's open.

Buy The Hoff-- UF's favorite Germans dropped a three-pointer with Bayern on Friday, but goal differential keeps them first. Scoring for Hoffenheim in that game... who else? Vedad Ibisevic. The One That Got Away is a goal machine. Too bad he's "Bosnian" and will never see a big international stage. Bigus loves these guys because they play in a small town where everyone's related, the bartenders to the nuns, the farmers to their cattle, etc.

Buy FC Nantes-- A big boost for the little guys this weekend. Ivan Klasnic and his many kidneys netted two, including a winner to nip perpetual champs Lyon at the death. With it, Les Canaris took a nice, long 3-point stride clear of the drop. And they play in the city that inspired this.

Buy Women's Soccer... In America A nice weekend for the ladies. The U.S. U-20 team are World Cup champs and North Carolina knocks off previously undefeated and untied Notre Dame for their 1,243rd NCAA title.

Buy Hibernian's John Rankin-- True or not, the Cabbage man says his side actually practiced the long range "squiggler" he used to beat Celtic's Artur Boruc this weekend. Said Rankin, "There was maybe a wee bit of luck on my part, but I'm delighted and I'll take the goal." Way to throw the "wee" in there pal. All class.

Buy Norwich City's Inevitable Letdown Loss vs...-- Watford. They'd have probably lost anyway, but coming off an either really thrilling or really pedestrian derby win, they're a sure bet.

Buy The Big Four staying The Big Four-- With all that's gone wrong for this group, there's little doubt (Sorry Villa) that come May it won't be some variation on Chelsea, Man. U., Liverpool, Arsenal. The Premier League is like Jazz: There's a lot happening. Moving parts. But in the end, it's just a few notes over and over in different permutations.
-----

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Robbie Keane-- Liverpool would if they could. So why not you? Keane never made it off the bench Saturday. Not that it hurt much. Liverpool rolled Blackburn (we'll get to them in a minute) 3-1. And though we're not buying rumors Rafa is actually trying to sell Keane back to Spurs, some of us really enjoy the fact that someone is making them up.

Sell Bayern Munich manager Uli Hoeness-- Has his boys in a deadlock with The Hoff atop the Bundesliga after a last minute winner in Munich. But don't be fooled, Hoeness enjoys the win with a glass of red-faced whine. He's upset with the media's treatment of The Hoff... biggest fairy tale he's every seen... too much money... they can never win a general election... wants a series of townhall-style debates...

Sell Paul Ince-- On our Poo List for the second week running. We reckon Keane's departure from Sunderland has undone his last few hinges.

Sell Joleon Lescott-- Two wonderful goals. Noted. Now go put your shirt back on and play defense. Idiot.

Sell MLS in Seattle-- Peter Vagenas? Freddie Ljungberg? Hardly the cornerstones of a franchise that's going to do anything meaningful. Then again, if a team from New York can be Western Conference Champions, is anything really meaningful about your league?

Sell Newcastle-- Heroic performance at the Bridge, then you give up a 92nd minute equalizer to Stoke. Joe Kinnear won't last past the end of the season when they have a chance to really reevaluate their team.

And while you're at it, sell on anyone you know who might have actually predicted, or god forbid, bet on Newcastle to win this game. I'm not saying they shouldn't have won before or won't win again, but you can't ever expect it.

Sell the Ballon d'Or-- Sell it or re-name it the EPL MVP Award, because as fantastic as Ronaldo was in EPL play last season, that's how much he disappointed in the Champs League and Euro '08. He missed two PKs, one in the final, for Man. U. and lasted barely a week in Austria/Switzerland. Does that count for nothing? I'd have voted for Liverpool's Fantasic Fragile Fernado-- incredible debut season in England, Euro-winner playing alone up top against Germany-- over Ronaldo. Or Iker Casillas, the world's best keeper by a mile and winner of both La Liga and Euro '08.

Sell Artur Boruc-- He's like Heurelho Gomes without the brilliant saves! Quoteth Mad Dog Russo: "Heeeeeee Stinks!"
-----

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Hold on the Sunderland players-- Keane skipped out on them days before a trip to Old Trafford. So how do they respond? By losing. But they went down hard, defending well and looking generally glad to be rid of the Irishman. Will it be enough to keep them from yet another drop? We'll see.

Hold on Bolton-- Best November points-wise of anyone can't be spoiled by a loss to an angry Chelsea bunch (the Blues: Unbeaten after home losses this year!) Looks like these guys will be Wandering around England, putting Premier League crowds to sleep for at least another year.

Hold on Marouane Fellaini's 'fro There's some conflicting feelings here about this bizarre head fungus. I'd be inclined to sell, but there are just so few magical 'fros running around these days. If someone else steps in to fill the gap we'll ditch the guy in a second. How about Aaron Lennon? He's certainly capable. Imagine a huge pop-up 'fro running circles around the midfield, taking runs down the right... pounding crosses into defenders' shins... I'd buy that.

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UF Quick Throw: Ibrahimovic knows kung-fu

Thanks to The Offside, we can see the continued martial arts education of Swede/Croat/Bosnian striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic. He's already scored insane goals with his heel, but now it's his turn to play midfield maestro with his back turned.



Of course, his theatrics left him way out of position to receive Stankovic's cross, but hey, let's not detract from his skills just yet.

[The Offside]

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UF Quick Throw: Tomas Rosicky's never coming back

Tomas Rosicky is out until "march at the earliest," making him $7 million well-spent. To be fair, the money was better spent than $20 million thrown into the Robbie Keane experiment.

[ESPN Soccernet]

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UF Quick Throw: Boruc makes his case for GK of the Year

Artur Boruc didn't make it any easier for Celtic at Hibernian this past weekend. With the score at 0-0 and the game delicately poised, poor Artur did his best Heurelho impression. And one wonders why goalies frequently sell for 8-10 million pounds. [101 Great Goals]

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