FIFA Wants to F*ck With The Jesus

Brazil might very well already be on double secret probation. Why? Loving the Jesus. Actually FIFA probably doesn't care how much they love Jesus, they just want them to stop telling the world as much.

A warning letter was sent to the Brazilian football federation ‘to remind them of the relevant regulations, so that such incidents do not recur in the future’. Brazilian players, and Kaka in particular, are well-known for their strong religious beliefs and the squad and backroom staff formed a large circle and sank to their knees in prayer after the victory over the US at the end of last month.

Wait, I though God only blessed America. If He helped Brazil defeat us in soccer then I'm never trusting a slogan printed on currency ever again.

The letter barely even amounts to a hand slap as FIFA is only reminding Brazil of laws already on the books. Specifically Law 4, Decision 1:

Here’s FIFA Law 4, Decision 1 (compete list of the laws here (Warning: PDF link):

Players must not reveal undergarments showing slogans or advertising. The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements.

A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser. The team of a player whose basic compulsory equipment has political, religious or personal slogans or statements will be sanctioned by the competition organiser or by FIFA.

I didn't know a strongly-worded letter counted as a 'sanction.' Clearly FIFA is now under control of Canadians.

The secularists among us should thank God the Danes had the temerity to speak out. Yes, the Danes. In the wake of the Confederations Cup final when the Brazilian team turned the field into an impromptu cathedral, Jim Stjerne Hansen, the secretary general of the Danish FA, thought the violation egregious enough to raised the issue to FIFA.

"Just as we reject political manifestations, we should also say no to religious ones. There are too many risks involved in clubs, for example, with people of different religious faiths."

It must surely be some sort of eschatological sign when the Danes are the voice of reason. If Kaka can continually show off his subordination, then why can't an Afghan player pull off a jersey with a the message: 'Allah says 'Death to all Infidels and the Great Satan of America."

FIFA didn't comment directly, but merely referred to the rules, which they weren't enforcing. Shocking that FIFA would be so spineless in the face of a world power. Ergo, the letter.

Anyway, Brazil, you're now on notice. Stop loving Jesus or FIFA is going to take a gun, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger until it goes click.

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Kaka to Real Madrid for €65m (£56m)

j/k!!!!
Cue the Galácticos theme music.

Real Madrid wanted Kaka, AC Milan wanted the cash, and Kaka wanted to be wanted. You can't put this one much better than the man himself:

The soap opera is over. The negotiations are closed. I have sealed my transfer to Madrid.

David Beckham, no stranger to having to make big decisions on transfers, advised Kaka that this was a good move to further his career. And AC Milan released a very nice statement that Kaka's "loss on the field, though serious, can be filled. It will, however, be very difficult to fill the void left by Kaka the man."

For those of you keeping track at home, this is the second highest transfer fee paid behind the €76m for Zidane. Now the question is where does Real Madrid go next? Crissy Ronaldo? Ribery? David Villa? All of the above?

[NY Times]
[Guardian]

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Supply and Demand: Big Sam Style.

Sheikh Mansour's cash is still burning a hole in Mark Hughes pocket this am. Rumors of Kaka fill the airwaves and Craig Bellamy is taking a medical. We all know that 100million for Kaka is completely absurd, but it is only now becoming clear what effect Man City's new found wealth will have on the transfer market. Everyone wants to get some of Mansour's moolah and Sam Allardyce is no exception.


If Kaka is worth 100 million and a 29 year old Craig Bellamy is worth 14 , then what is Roque Santa Cruz going to sell for in today's over-inflated transfer market? How about 40 million? That's the price Blackburn are willing to sell the want-away forward for. Why not eh? Everyone else is jacking up the prices so why shouldn't Blackburn.

Man City are certainly 'upping the stakes' with the big four. How much will United be able to offer for their next signing when City can fire notes into the air with abandonment? Will Roman have the balls to compete? Wayne Rooney will be seem a snip at 30 million should City be tempted to pay 40 million for Santa Cruz. How much is Messi worth in this new, blue World?

What about Ronaldo? I'm sure United won't feel too aggrieved at the spending across town, if Kaka makes the move to Eastlands, Real Madrid can forget their perverted fascination with United's pock faced Portuguese prodigy. His transfer fee would likely be in excess of 150 million.

So how much will City spend this January. If Bellamy passes his medical then they would have spent 24 million already. Add Kaka and De Jong, at a rumored 18 million and they would have spent over 142 million before a punt on Santa-Cruz.

Personally I can't wait to see Kaka and Robinho at Carrow Road next season. How awesome would that be. A finger in Sheikh Mansour's eye and some record gates in the Championship to help boost the coffers of Swansea and Bristol City. Of course this is unlikely, but we can all dream and we can all say our prayers.

-Bigus.

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UF Quick Throw: Someone Thinks The Kaka Deal is Done

Soccernet is claiming that "reports from Abu Dhabi suggest that Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour believes his club's chase for Brazilian superstar Kaka has ended in success."

Reports. Suggests. Belief. Make of it what you will.

Kaka can make an assload of cash of it if he wills.

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UF Quick Throw: Kaka Turns Down the Opportunity to Trade the Champions League for an EPL Relegation Fight

That was fast. Although AC Milan accepted Citeh's ridiculous transfer fee, Kaka has rejected a move to Citeh.

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Citeh is Playing with Monopoly Money

Welcome to the brave new world. Rumors of Man City making an unprecedented offer to AC Milan for former World Player of the Year winner Kaka spread through the British rags yesterday, and the Daily Mail was the first to report the details: 100 million pounds in cash to Milan; 500,000 pounds per week to Kaka.

How do you pry a world class player from a team that says it won't sell? You make AC Milan an offer they can't refuse. How do you convince a world class player to come to a team that's currently sitting 15th in the Premier League? You make Kaka an offer he can't refuse.

No matter the outcome, this is the equivalent of Godzilla landing in Tokyo -- the normal rules of the game have changed, and all transfers up until now seem quaint by comparison, even the 48 million pounds that Real Madrid paid for Zizou. Or maybe it's more like Frankenstein -- doesn't City know that, when you play god, you only create monsters that want to rip your arms out?

The simple fact is that Man City has just raised the stakes exponentially on gaudiness. There just doesn't seem to be much design or plan to the way they're building this team: splash obscene amounts of Abu Dhabi cash at an underperforming and dysfunctional squad and then hope for the best (i.e., it'll be Mark Hughes's fault when the team continues to underperform).

Maybe this will unite 99% of football fans in wishing that the Citeh experiment ends in disaster. It sure would be hard for anyone to argue that this good for the game, except maybe the most diehard City fan, but even they must feel some sort of trepidation at where this is all heading. And to think, it was less than six months that Thaksin was at the helm of City.

Quoth Ian Curtis, "Where will it end?"

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UF Quick Throw: Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

That crashing sound you heard was the end of a relatively quiet transfer market. Sky Sports is reporting that Man City's executives are in Milan to open up talks for Kaka, and 'Arry Redknapp is in discussions on a deal that would bring Adriano to Spurs and Gareth Barry Bale to AC Milan Inter (yeah, yeah... what do you want, accurate reporting?).

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Kaka story was complete caca

Alright, so we were wrong about Kaka. No deal is close to being finalized, but the Guardian is normally good for this sort of thing so we thought it must be happening!

However, as a blog, I feel comfortable behind the veil of hyperbole and anonymity, since we're not winning a Pulitzer anytime soon.

If anything, the potential deal that would send the mercurial Brazilian to Stamford Bridge has become more absurd since Friday's revelation. Rumours abound that the Blues are offering well over 150 million Euros now, and they're not the sort of club to be taken lightly. Abramovich has shown in the past that he'll spend however much it takes to acquire the toys he covets most, as was shown when they smashed transfer records to get hold of Andrei Shevchenko.

Roman has two things going for him, in an age when owners are getting increasingly skittish about transfer prices: he's got the cash, and he's got the moxie to keep bidding higher and higher until the other team has no alternative but to sell. Rafa Benitez is struggling with his overlords in trying to get the money for Gareth fucking Barry, and Arsenal are selling everyone in sight.

Such a transfer would not bode well for the league, and I'm not talking about their EPL title chances. Moreso, it's just another nail in the coffin for football in general. The chasm between the newly-promoted and the old guard is wider than ever, and there's simply no way for the Hull Cities and West Broms of the world to compete with a 100 million Euro signing, no matter how many bit players they lure across from other teams' reserve XIs.

Yes yes yes, I realize I'm lamenting like the old man afraid of change, but even so: is anyone worth 100 million Euros? That's some crazy money!

After the jump, a video that shows Kaka's genius on the pitch, along with some delightful non-sequitur videos that have the word "money" in them.

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Breaking News: Kaka to Chelsea for 100 Million Euros

I am admittedly not an expert on string theory, but I do know that one of its basic tenets is that the universe is made up of 9-10 simultaneous dimensions, most of which we cannot perceive. Although somewhat controversial, I would argue that Chelsea prove this theory to be true: they exist on a completely different plane than the rest of the football universe.

Want proof? Okay. The Guardian is reporting that Chelsea are in "advanced" negotiations to bring World Footballer of the Year Kaka to North London for an astronomical sum of 80 million pounds/100 million euros. The move does seem to make sense for both sides considering that AC Milan won't be playing in the Champion's League next year, except when you consider that the transfer fee equals the GDP of some third world nations. No matter: Abramovich just needs to open his checkbook. Guess this means that hiring Scolari really was a shrewd move and that Chelsea can afford to let Lampard and Drogba go, although I wouldn't bet on it. This also makes the rest of this summer's transfers seem like chump change.

More coverage to come, assuming the deal really does go through, but frankly I'm somewhat speechless at the moment.

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The Church, the Bible, Kaka and you

Four girls in Milan shirts

In a story that still makes no sense, Kaka's being quizzed by the authorities in Brazil about his link to some crooked church leaders.

Kaka, the current FIFA World Player of the Year, is deeply-religious and donates close to a million dollars a year to the Reborn in Christ Church, whose founders have been steadily siphoning church funds and donations to buy mansions in the US and Brazil.

Of course Kaka's not involved in the smuggling, but I dare say his sizable contributions inspired God to pull a few strings for him in the talent and success department:

Fucking bastard.

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