Late Night Quick Throw: Glen Johnson To Anfield

Well, it looks like Rafa Benitez has his first signing of the transfer season and its a doozie. The Times and The Sun are both reporting that Portsmouth has accepted Liverpool's bid for Glen Johnson for a reported £19M. The Sun states that Johnson will report for a medical in Liverpool tomorrow. There is a chance Chelsea could still pip them for the fullback, but we have a bid reportedly accepted.

Read more on "Late Night Quick Throw: Glen Johnson To Anfield"...

Worst Week Ever: After the Lasagna Incident

Jenas: Finally at the center of something

The Worst Week Ever continues now with a mini-catalogue of Tottenham transfer terror. That is, I'm going to focus only on the market mishaps that followed the Dodgy Lasagna Incident of 2006. So join me-- you'll laugh, I'll cry. Good times all around.




SOLD: Michael Carrick - to Manchester United, 8/06, £18,600,000

Shat the bed... shat all our beds

Why not start with the man himself? It's been pretty well accepted (not by me, of course) that it was Carrick, and not the hotel food, that sunk our Champions League dream that miserable May. The guy had the flu and spread it to the whole club. The Track-Suiters from cross town pounced and the rest is stomach-searing, intestine-inflaming, colon-ulcerating history. All might have been forgiven had Mr. Carrick hung in for another season or two. But he did not. Sold off North (for a good price), he has been conspicuous in his absence ever since. Didier Zokora was brought in later in the summer as his "replacement," but for all the Ivorian's fantastic qualities, his game is a complete opposite from Carrick's. Only now, almost three years later, is the midfield starting to take shape like it did in 2005-06. And that's more due to Wilson Palacios-- and his assumption of the Davids role-- then a true "new Carrick." Sickening loss. And a sign of Levy's inability to keep good players.


BOUGHT: David Bentley - from Blackburn, 7/08, £15,000,000

Hate figure

Wingers! We love wingers! You can never have too many fucking right-footed wiiiiingers! Where does one begin? These are all so well-known and self-explanatory. No heart. No patience. No pace. No humility. No ability, it seems, to take a penalty. No versatility. And alas, No playing time. Thank you Arry for banishing this mopey mutt to the outhouse. It's one thing to underachieve-- this was never the right fit anyway-- but to do so in such glorious fashion! Proof ONCE AGAIN that "boyhood dreams" are best left to... emmm... boyhood? (And let's be honest, Bentley was probably a conniving, pungent little geek from age 5. Boyhood my Arse!)


BOUGHT: Alan Hutton - from Rangers, 1/08, £8,000,000
Choose Life. Choose players not born in Scotland.

I should really let Bigus write this, as he was all over Hutton from the git-go. It was a job to get the long-crocked right back (oh what, he's healthy now? Sick.) to leave Ibrox... never a good sign when you need to beg these morons to take your money. The Hutton move was on and off and on and by the time he got here anything less than Wim Suurbier was going to be a disappointment. More than a year later, we can confirm that Wim and Cafu are safe in their places. Thuram need not lose a wink. Shit, there are three guys at Tottenham today I'd take over Hutton. And then there's Chimbo, Corluka, and Zokora. He's slow, rash in the tackle, and just generally useless. It all goes to show-- yes Bigus, I'm admitting it-- everyone from Scotland sucks. It's a shite state of affairs and all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference! Ask Craig Gordon.


SOLD: Jermain Defoe - to Portsmouth, 1/08, £9,000,000

Hello Goooodbye Hello!

Jermain is a known quantity at this point. If you trot him out there, he will score goals. He will also be out trotting with big-breasted women. Nothing to be ashamed of on either account. Hell, most of us would settle for one of the above. The Spursian stupidity here lay not in the sale-- though that was dumb-- but the buy-back. I'm glad he'll be suiting up at WHL next season, and no one will debate it was the necessary move this winter, but really, selling-then-purchasing a player at a £7,000,000 loss (I know these numbers all dodgy, but it's in the 'hood)... with the ancillary benefit of not having him when he was needed most, the fall of 2008? Galling, indeed. in the end though, Defoe himself done nothing to earn a place on this list. It's not about him. Again, it's Levy and the [thankfully stuffed] Narc from France.


BOUGHT: Darren Bent - from Charlton, 6/07, £16,500,000

The Axis of Impotence

Ladies and Gentleman, presenting Tottenham Hotspur Football Club's most expensive signing in 126 years of tittering mediocrity broken by long-off spells of brilliance glory! At the time of Mr. Bent's arrival, Spurs had no less than Robbie Keane, Dimitar Berbatov, Jermain Defor, and Fuckin' Mido already in the team. Is it possible the lads upstairs knew there's be a fire sale a year later? Possibly. Regardless, the fact is that Bent is utter trash. I say this knowing his goal tallies. I say this knowing that not one of his many goals this year was of the "big" variety. I say this knowing that Darren Bent must have the lowest football IQ this side of the Long Island Junior Soccer League. No, wait! There have got to be a few [American] 12 year olds who, intellectually, have a better understanding of space and timing. The Likely Lass has more sense around the net. And I can think of one manager's missus who's been suggested... Bent is like an NFL wide-receiver who is unable to run a reliable route. He has one play: Go deep. If the quarterback (midfielder) hits him perfectly in stride then maybe, possibly, there's a modicum of a chance he won't make a hash of the thing. But he probably will. I hate Darren Bent. Until he scores again.
Addendum: Since I began, Mr. Bent has been recalled to Boss Capello's England team. Of course, this only happened after injuries to Crouch (who looks like he'll play), Heskey, and Carlton Fucking Cole. Second choice to Carlton Cole. Says it all.


BOUGHT: Younes Kaboul - from Auxerre, 7/07, £8,200,000

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it..."

First off, I think the guy wears makeup. It says so on his wiki page, which doesn't make it true, but either way, someone else noticed this and... no, it's totally cool-- to each his own-- but can our center backs not be in eye liner? Not that any of this kept ol' Younes from captaining the French U-21 side (lot to look forward to NYK! Go watch your '98 tape and realize all your glories are past) or terrorizing my dreams for the whole of the 2007-08 season. The book says he made only 21 appearances, but like any true cancer of a player (particularly in defense), it felt like a lot more. The best we can say about the lad is that he made it abundantly clear to the THFC "brain" trust that a new central defense was necessary. Alas, Jonathan Woodgate.


Some quick bangers now:

BOUGHT: Gilberto - from Hertha Berlin, 1/08, £1,900,000

It got late early for the Gilberto

It took less than 45 minutes for the Brazilian right back to seal his Spurs fate. January 31, 2008: First leg of UEFA Cup q-final... Spurs lose 0-1 at WHL, go on to tie things up in Holland, then lose on PKs (Jenas!!!) BBC, you explain this:

Gilberto was at fault, needlessly gifting Farfan possession 25 yards out as PSV broke and the striker strode on and finished brilliantly past Robinson.
It capped a nervous first half from the Brazilian, who had only prevented an earlier Farfan charge on goal with a cynical foul that deservedly earned him a yellow card.

There would be only six more appearances for the World Cup vet. He's now languishing in the reserves. At least, that's what I think. Wherever he is, he ain't on the pitch, and there's no search party gathering.


BOUGHT: Kevin Prince Boateng - from Hertha Berlin, 7/07, £5,200,000

Straight thug off the field... straight mug on it

Thoroughly unremarkable player. Aside from a few ill-timed tackles and emotional breakdowns, the Prince was another one conspicuous only by his anonymity. Undeterred by troubles on the field, Boateng, now on loan to Borussia (who are balking at Spurs asking price for a full transfer), has made more for himself in civilian life. I'll spare you the details. Here's the headline from March 19: Police question Spurs outcast Boateng as cars are damaged after night of celebration
He may have since been cleared of wrongdoing... or charged as a felon and readied for death row. I have no clue. And quite honestly, as long as he stays in Germany, that's fine.


BOUGHT: Gareth Bale - from Southampton, 5/07, £5,000,000

The Cursed One

He just wasn't ready. Some guys are ready. Gareth was not. The losingest player, per capita, in Premier League football, Bale still starts for Wales, which says more for the Welch than the footballer. That aside, there's still hope, though probably as a left-sided midfielder. Makes the list because of the price tag and hype.

But wait!
BOUGHT: Roman Pavlyucheno - from Spartak Moscow, 8/08, £14,000,000

Run about, Roman!

All any of you have seen of him was the Carling Cup final, which was an utter disgrace. And while I mostly agree that he's failed to live up to his Euro 2008 performances, the demise of Roman Pavlyuchenko have been greatly exaggerated. There was even a moment, before Keane-o returned and Defoe got hurt, that he seemed to be finding his place. There are issues, surely, with his conditioning and overall temperament, but c'mooon, he's Russian. They're all crazy. And with all the monkey poop flung in his direction, the lad's still managed to scors some huuuuge goals... the winner home to Liverpool and late snipe at Burnley, to secure that same cup final place.

Read more on "Worst Week Ever: After the Lasagna Incident"...

Transfer Deadline Day Open Thread -- Updated!

Just hours to go now (and by the time you see this, maybe moments) until the January window slams shut. As always, there remain a host of possible moves. Keane back to Spurs? Arshavin to Arsenal? Veloso to SF Bolton?? Anyone and Everyone to Citeh? We'll keep count, with your aid and peerless commentary, right here.

Summary of the [more-or-less] confirmed Prem deals after the jump.

IN:
Everton-- Jo (Man City)
Fulham-- Olivier Dacourt (Inter loan), Gray (Coventry loan extended)
Newcastle-- Ryan Taylor (Wigan)
Portsmouth-- Angelos Basinas (AEK loan)
Stoke-- Henri Camara (Wigan loan)
Tottenham-- Robbie Keane (Liverpool)
West Brom-- Youssouf Mulumbu (PSG loan), JC Menseguez (San Lorenzo loan)
Wigan-- Charles N'Zogbia (Newcastle)
Chelsea-- Ricardo Quaresma (Inter loan)

Read more on "Transfer Deadline Day Open Thread -- Updated!"...

UF Quick Throw: Transfers of minor merit!

Blackburn Rovers open the flea-bitten wallet for El-Hadji Diouf, leaving us all wondering why. Citeh get massive bid for Santa Cruz rejected! My guess: they'll sell for 5 million pounds more as Sparky is desperate. And Bolton lose their talismanic/average midfielder Kevin Nolan to the SS Newcastle.

Oh, and Arshavin lowers his wage demands to get a deal done. Sorry, Gooners; looks like you'll pass another transfer window without buying based on need.

[Diouf @ BBC Sport]

[Santa Cruz @ BBC Sport]

[Nolan @ BBC Sport]

[Arshavin @ Guardian Sport]

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Transfers of minor merit!"...

UF Quick Throw: Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

That crashing sound you heard was the end of a relatively quiet transfer market. Sky Sports is reporting that Man City's executives are in Milan to open up talks for Kaka, and 'Arry Redknapp is in discussions on a deal that would bring Adriano to Spurs and Gareth Barry Bale to AC Milan Inter (yeah, yeah... what do you want, accurate reporting?).

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K"...

Matthew Etherington Is Stray Dog

Here, Matty, come on, Matty.

Matthew Etherington is apparently transfering to the Stoke City Animal Shelter. The West Ham midfielder is reported to be on his way to Stoke City for a fee of about 3 million pounds.

Stoke City hopes Etherington will help it avoid relegation this season. Manager Tony Pulis is doing all he can to motivate and inspire his players. Witness his comments on the Etherington signing.

"No disrespect but we are at a club where we can't deal in the top bracket of players we would like to bring here, " said the Stoke boss.

"You are always working below that. We are not at Crufts, we are at Battersea Dogs Home. We are looking for strays. We are looking for people who have gone astray with the aim of bringing them back.

"You look for players who have gone off the rails and for whatever reason have not fulfilled their potential."

Please remind me not to ever invite Tony to give motivational speeches.

Read more on "Matthew Etherington Is Stray Dog"...

EPL January Tranfser Window Oddsmaker

January 1st means only one thing around here: the start of the January transfer window! It’s like Christmas, Hanukkah and your birthday all wrapped up in one!

Looking ahead to the end of January, the British press's rumor pages will have managed to link every single player with a move to every single team. But the press isn't really to blame. They’re just catering to fans who are desperate for any sign that their team will be improved for the second half of the season.

In our own amateurish way, after the jump is a little run down of what yours truly thinks might actually happen in the English Premier League (suck it, Barclay’s!). Please don’t accuse me of pretending to have any special insight. I'm just making stuff up like the professional journos do.

Blackburn’s Roque Santa Cruz to Manchester City

Santa Cruz is unhappy, hasn’t been scoring goals this season, and the Big Fat Walrus could use some added cash to help Blackburn avoid relegation. Man City has There Will Be Blood-style oil-laden billions of cash to spend, even if Mark Hughes is warning that they actually won't be spending money like the proverbial drunken sailors (nice try convincing anyone one of that). As the BBC noted, Citeh have now set their sights slightly lower than Kaka, Torres and Buffon. Santa Cruz seems about right, especially with Jo stuttering badly. This one might seem fait accompli, but the gods of the transfer market are fickle, so we are going no higher than 75%.

Everton’s Mikel Arteta to Arsenal

A mighty cheer went up from the Gooner masses when the always-reliable Guardian reported that Arsenal are interested in signing Arteta. As the Arseblog explains far better than I could, Arteta fits the bill for what Arsenal need most desperately at the moment: an experienced midfielder with a great workrate who can stabilize the team while Fabregas is recuperating and can also play beside him down the road. That said, the question is whether Everton would sell, which really means whether Arteta will demand the move. The upside is an increased wage and Champion’s League play, and yes he can play this season (Rules 17.17 and 17.18). Moyes should be able to cover up for Arteta’s absence with some spackle and a couple 2-million-pound replacements, and could then use the extra cash on a badly needed striker. However, Arteta might choose loyalty to Everton above all else, and might figure that with Everton he’ll at least get UEFA Cup competition and the continued loving adoration of the supporters. This one gets a very non-committal 50%.

Emile Heskey Leaving Wigan

Poor Wigan, who in American terms are the quintessential small market team. They have a fantastic track record of bringing in talent, even if that talent is often in the form of much-traveled castoffs. And they have absolutely no ability to keep the players who develop into solid contributors. In many ways, it’s a tribute to Wigan’s management that they’ve remained viable in the Premiership for as long as they have when their stadium routinely draws no more than 18,000 attendees and most players available on the transfer market have no interest in joining the Latics. So now you have 50-year-old Emile Heskey, who has occasionally played himself back into international contention, who much like the Costello to a team's Abbott can be paired up to do a lot of the physical work up front, and who is out of a contract this summer and sure to leave for nothing. So, the chances of his departure in January are 100%. As for where, I'd reckon 30% to Aston Villa, who are in need of strengthening if they're serious about contending for Champion's League, 35% to Liverpool, who are in need of strengthening if they're serious about winning the Premiership, and 20% Spurs, especially if they don't land Defoe (see below). And yeah, I've left myself 15% for Heskey going somewhere else. It's called "hedging!"

Pompey's Jermaine Defoe returning to Spurs

This one has been talked about so much, it has to happen, right? Right?? Well, maybe. Defoe would return to Spurs after a pretty disappointing spell with Portsmouth, and would return to 'Arry's tutelage, who arguably did a decent job of getting Defoe to play up to his potential. The biggest hindrance appears to be Pompey's insistence on a large cash windfall, which according to the Independent would include wiping out the 7 million quid still owed plus a wheelbarrow full of cash. So, I rate this one at 35%. It just seems too cute and too perfect, and hence one of those deals that are destined to fall through.

West Ham Fire Sale

West Ham is royally fuxxored (I know, but we're trying to keep it clean around here). Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson has lost quadrillions thanks to the collapse of Iceland's economy, and they and they still have l'affair de Tevez floating around. And so, West Ham appear to be a selling club, despite Gianfranco Zola's best efforts to the contrary. The question is just how many first team players will find the exit door... Bellamy, Parker, Upson, Behrami and Green have all tipped. I'd say there is a 40% chance of at least three starters leaving, and 66% of at least two starters leaving. Any more than that and West Ham risk losing whatever modicum of respectability and stability they might have, as well as losing Zola. I wouldn't be surprised if Bellamy ends up staying through the end of the season, with Upson and Parker the likeliest pair to leave.

And I'm surely leaving out lots more, such as Keano going back to Spurs... so please have your say in the ol' comments

Read more on "EPL January Tranfser Window Oddsmaker"...