FIFA Wants to F*ck With The Jesus

Brazil might very well already be on double secret probation. Why? Loving the Jesus. Actually FIFA probably doesn't care how much they love Jesus, they just want them to stop telling the world as much.

A warning letter was sent to the Brazilian football federation ‘to remind them of the relevant regulations, so that such incidents do not recur in the future’. Brazilian players, and Kaka in particular, are well-known for their strong religious beliefs and the squad and backroom staff formed a large circle and sank to their knees in prayer after the victory over the US at the end of last month.

Wait, I though God only blessed America. If He helped Brazil defeat us in soccer then I'm never trusting a slogan printed on currency ever again.

The letter barely even amounts to a hand slap as FIFA is only reminding Brazil of laws already on the books. Specifically Law 4, Decision 1:

Here’s FIFA Law 4, Decision 1 (compete list of the laws here (Warning: PDF link):

Players must not reveal undergarments showing slogans or advertising. The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements.

A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser. The team of a player whose basic compulsory equipment has political, religious or personal slogans or statements will be sanctioned by the competition organiser or by FIFA.

I didn't know a strongly-worded letter counted as a 'sanction.' Clearly FIFA is now under control of Canadians.

The secularists among us should thank God the Danes had the temerity to speak out. Yes, the Danes. In the wake of the Confederations Cup final when the Brazilian team turned the field into an impromptu cathedral, Jim Stjerne Hansen, the secretary general of the Danish FA, thought the violation egregious enough to raised the issue to FIFA.

"Just as we reject political manifestations, we should also say no to religious ones. There are too many risks involved in clubs, for example, with people of different religious faiths."

It must surely be some sort of eschatological sign when the Danes are the voice of reason. If Kaka can continually show off his subordination, then why can't an Afghan player pull off a jersey with a the message: 'Allah says 'Death to all Infidels and the Great Satan of America."

FIFA didn't comment directly, but merely referred to the rules, which they weren't enforcing. Shocking that FIFA would be so spineless in the face of a world power. Ergo, the letter.

Anyway, Brazil, you're now on notice. Stop loving Jesus or FIFA is going to take a gun, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger until it goes click.

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Beware of the black mirrors

Here's a nice job, if you can get it. Be the guy assigned to spy on the Danish women's football team. By running a camera through a two-way mirror in their hotel room. The pay may or may not be great, but you will never be prosecuted, even when caught and detained by Danish officials until the police arrive. FIFA and the IOC will have your back, too.

Before you lot go and get visions of Revenge of the Nerds, and start screaming "Bush! Bush!" at the monitor, it's not like that. No, this wasn't filming hot lady on lady action in the showers, this was filming a tactical meeting between the coaches.

When said meeting was going on, one of the Danish officials noticed movement behind a black glass mirror. They called the hotel and demanded the adjoining door be unlocked and found two Chinese men with cameras taking notes. The Danes did the sensible thing and held the men until the police arrived.

The police, however, were no help. Instead of frog marching these two down to the station house, they seem to have let them go on their own recognizance. When the Danish federation complained to FIFA, FIFA said, "Hey, there's no problem of ours here". Sepp Blatter, who is used to talking out of his ass, opined on the incident as well. He says there was a clear security failure, but as a member of the IOC himself, he has no reason to believe anything like this will happen next month as well.

Well, sure, maybe not. But if Dara Torres is placed in a room with black mirrors, she had better question if that's where she wants to inject her horse steroids or not.*

*Not really my belief. Innocent until proven guilty, anyway.

[Update: There is a very thorough account of the whole incident in this Sports Illustrated piece. Definitely worth a read.]

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