Bendtner may have de-pantsed himself midweek, but it's the Blue Scum doing the de-pantsing todayWhich teams got eliminated from the CL this week? Oh right, these two. So there's that displaced rage to feed into the proceedings, as well as the FA Cup semi, although let's not ignore the fact that this game is largely meaningless. It's all about pride, folks!
Let's go!
Lineups:
Tootsie Pop FC: Fabianski, Sagna, Toure, Silvestre, Gibbs, Walcott, Nasri, Song Billong, Diaby, Fabregas, Van Persie.
Subs: Mannone, Denilson, Ramsey, Djourou, Adebayor, Bendtner, Eboue.
Blue London Scum: Cech, Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole, Essien, Mikel, Lampard, Anelka, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Di Santo, Ballack, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne.
1 min: The Gunners break well with Walcott steaming up the middle like a greyhound and having two cracks at goal, the first blocked before the second ended up in Row ZZ. Bright start.
3 mins: The ball is being knocked around at a fast pace thus far, with Lamps and Anelka trying to break through seconds ago, the move ended by the Frenchman's weighty first touch.
Walcott is caught offside as Arse try to get the ball over the top. It's an interesting tactic, as Chelsea are defending way back and not leaving much room for Gooners to sprint into.
Gibbs's cross is shinned out by Alex for our first corner of the game... Fabregas takes it long, but it's way too long and it dribbles out for a Chelsea goal kick.
6 mins: Walcott wins a corner off Ashley Cole. Young Theo looks a lot more up for it than he did midweek. Nevermind; Cech collects the corner with ease.
At the other end, Gibbs makes a strong tackle and snuffs out some danger down right right wing. Emirates applauds him warmly after the nightmare in the CL. Good confidence boost for the young lad.
Then, in the space of 60 seconds, two great moves by the home side; Nasri runs onto a nice pass dummied and left for him, but he turns Bosingwa too many times and it ends up out for a throw. From the dead ball, the Gooners work it across the pitch from left to right, and a neat pass through the Chelsea backline gives Walcott a sniff at the back post, forcing a punch save from Cech. Van Persie wastes the resulting corner.
Reds definitely looking sharper than the Blues thus far, which is to be expected -- after all, whose CL defeat was more heartbreaking, controversial and bitter?
10 mins: First real attacking move for Chelsea, involving a speculative lofted pass from Lamps to Drogba, but Toure is there to nod it away.
Lamps gets some space 20+ yards out and dead in front, but his shot is always slicing wide.
The two sides are enjoying time on the ball to knock it around (mostly Arsenal), but one suspects it's due to the lack of pressure on either side to win.
GREAT MOVE by Arsenal --- Diaby toepokes wide after a lovely build-up; Nasri spins away from pressure in midfield and sprints on goal. He feeds Walcott wide, and his square pass back into traffic but Diaby can't finish.
Drogba slips at the other end trying to keep the ball in play, prompting more than a few jeers. No displays of rage and/or petulance from the Ivorian. Yet.
15 mins: The Chelsea backline is looking rather drab thus far. Malouda's hair, however, is looking fantastic, dahling.
Silvestre mops up an attempted cross-field release for Anelka, and the Gooners break quickly; Walcott chases down an overhit pass into the left corner and slams it across goal -- no-one there to finish. Ball ends up whizzing in and around the Chelsea goal, but no actual shot to speak of.
Arsenal are playing with the unfettered exuberance of a team with little to lose. If only this game had some fucking meaning or consequence!
18 mins: Just as Lampard begins to exert some calming influence over the midfield, Arsenal break quickly with Diaby down the left. He has Bosingwa on his heels (and in his pocket) all the way back to the edge of the Blues' box, and his low cross reaches all the way to Walcott at the back post... the youngster sidefoots it wide. Excellent chance again for the Gooners.
This game doesn't mean anything for next season's CL, does it? 3rd and 4th place go into the 3rd qualifying round... although Chelsea could keep pace with Liverpool for 2nd and the automatic spot in the group stage.
21 mins: Chelsea grind some passes out, and a lovely move by Drogba to backheel the ball through his marker sets Ashley Cole off on a race towards goal. He squares it for Malouda, but his sidefooted finish is too casual and Gibbs is there to block. Anyone other than the cornrowed Frenchman and it's a goal, me thinks. Arsenal scramble it clear -- Drogba has a chance to shoot from the top of the box, but his curled effort it 1,000 miles wide.
On replay, Malouda didn't even hit it cleanly. Douche.
24 mins: A mildly entertaining game thus far, a bit like Ocean's Twelve in its ability to keep the viewer amused without insulting their intelligence.
Mikel fouls near his own area (as he is often wont to do), giving Fabregas a chance to angle one in. He opts to shoot right into Bosingwa behind the wall, and then the Blues play statues from the rebound; inexplicably, the ball is allowed to bounce in the box, and Diaby shins it wide from close range. Cech is pissed, and rightly so; should be 1-0 Arsenal right now.
27 mins: Fabregas touches Drogba's heel as the Ivorian receives the ball. It was a light touch, a feathery contact to say the least. Drogba tumbles like a Jenga tower missing one too many bricks, and Phil Dowd issues the Spaniard a yellow for his efforts. The free kick is floated in...
... GOAL GOAL GOAL for Chelsea! What a shambles, and completely undeserved. Alex rises to meet Drogba's inch-perfect cross, and his header from 12 yards rattles off the underside of the bar and in. Silvestre didn't bother to leap and disrupt the Brazilian, and Fabianski stood and watched the ball hit the woodwork and fall in.
Shambolic goal -- but I await the fun in the comments! Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 1
Not good for Fourthsenal. Boos echo around the Emirates, and the Reds need to respond quickly.
30 mins: Almost 2-0! Malouda nips in behind Sagna and canters towards goal, but his cross for Drogba is deflected behind for a corner. Lamps bends it in and Fabianski comes out a mile to punch and scramble it clear. He fails, but Arse are lucky as a whistle blows.
32 mins: Dowd ushers Cesc over for an actual foul, as the Spaniard poleaxes Malouda in full sprint and fails to get a toe on the ball. I'm confused; the first foul on Drogba (the first "foul", rather) wasn't card-worthy, but this one certainly was. Dowd preaches leniency, but one more of those and Fabregas will shower early. Lampard is right to question the ref for his inconsistency.
34 mins: That Theo sure is fast, isn't he? A long ball springs him free over Ashley Cole, who's caught ball-watching, but Walcott runs out of steam in the box and Chelsea are able to clear.
36 mins: We're entering a bit of a lull; to continue the Ocean's Twelve, it's that bit in the movie between when they piss off the French bandit and start planning how they're gonna steal that Faberge egg.
But wait! Intrigue! Walcott again gets down the right wing and crosses right across goal but the Gooner in the middle (Diaby?) can't usher it in with a backheel. Just Bolton that, lad, and knee/shin/ankle/waist it into net. Flair has its place, but so does brutality. Finish with some force!
38 mins: Drogba receives some healthy boos when he gets the ball. I wonder why?
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... and it's the visitors again! Gooner fans should complain about the pathetic effort of Samir Nasri, who was supposed to be marking Nicolas Anelka there. Absolutely awful. Anelka picks it up miles from goal, has time to control and turn past the frosted-tip traffic cone that is Nasri, sprint some 15 yards and rifle a right-footed shot past Fabianski. Not a single Gooner touched him the entire time.
If there was still a Gilberto Silva at Emirates, Anelka would be hobbling towards early retirement and Arsenal would still be down just 1-0. Such is life. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2
42 mins: Arsenal try to free Walcott, the only Gooner giving an effort thus far, down the right again, but he's double-teamed and can't keep possession.
This first 40 has been difficult for the Gooners, showing them in the cold light of day (even though it's summer); when unpressured, they are transcendent in moving forward, but for all their pacy, slight attacking middies, they are awful in tracking back. Sure, the first goal came from a textbook Drogba dive, but you could have made an effort in defending that corner. There's precious little in that midfield that can actually tackle, and in the EPL, such frailty will resign you to 4th place. Sorry, folks, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
At Anfield our defense might be wobbly, but woe betide the poor soul who wanders into Mascherano's territory looking for some room to skip and stepover.
Somewhere in the middle of my rambling, Malouda could have made it 3-0. Wenger needs to buy some old-fashioned grit for that midfield this off-season. They're a team of supermodels that desperately need some gap-toothed hustle and bustle to keep them grounded. Can Nobby Stiles still play football?
45 mins + 1: Nothing of substance to talk about. Essien finds Malouda in the middle after another breezy run at the Gooner backline. Malouda loses it, but Anelka is there to sidefoot into Fabianski's legs. Decent save, but Anelka should have done better.
HALF TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2
At the risk of inciting The NY Kid's ire in the comments, the gap between Arsenal and Spurs won't be twenty points next season. Why? Because Spurs have a defensive midfielder in Palacios who can tackle. And that Jamie O'Hara's good at that too.
Arsenal played well for 25 minutes but couldn't finish. Chelsea played simple footy and are two goals to the good, aided by some defensive generosity from their hosts.
Let's hope for some action in the 2nd half and not a sleepy continuation of the half's final 10 minutes.
CONGRATS TO MIKE GEORGER, UF's favourite resident LFC fan in the sandbox. Well done, sir. You made it!
New name for Arsenal: Tootsie Pop FC (at least until you purchase a quality DM).
Although, that implies a hard exterior. Hmm... back to the drawing board. I mean, you all realize I'm doing this because the game itself is now even more devoid of excitement and intrigue, right?
BRILLIANT! They show Gold Cup teaser commercials, and the first three snippets involve fighting, arguing and shocking tackling. I cannot wait! That's definitely the best way to sell that tournament.
We're off again!
47 mins: Anelka gets behind Mikael Silvestre, but his cross is off-target and the Tootsie Pops clear.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... Kolo Toure swallows a bullet for his team, and that just sucks. A lovely outside-of-the-foot ball by Ashley Cole gets over the top for Drogba, and Kolo Toure gets in the way of Drogba's cross (something he had to do, really) to turn it into his own net. Fabianski was caught between all the action like a moron. Unlucky, really, but it would have been a tap-in for the Blues had Toure not tried to defend. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 3
So, in order to keep everyone chatting, let's start seeing some summer shopping lists (best case, and realistic) for all our clubs. Who do you need to succeed next season?
Liverpool could use some decent wing-backs and a second striker. Zhirkov and Villa, please.
50 mins: Van Persie gets behind the Scum backline (though offside not called, whoops), but his low shot is well saved by Cech. Are you taking notes from the other end, Lukas?
54 mins: Walcott's fine, looping cross to the back post finds Nasri, but he can't finish a difficult volley with Essien closing in, and the ball ends up in the stands.
56 mins: The stands are still pretty full as the cameraman takes some time off from the melee to look around. Wenger looks rather pissed off.
Walcott again gets some room down the right -- he's working his arse off, give him credit -- but from the cross, van Persie's shot is deflected out for a corner. Fabregas takes it, but Drogba heads it clear. It comes to Song, who plays a clever chip to the back post where Walcott is free, but he blazes a shot wide of the far post with no defender nearby. He should have buried that.
Toure needlessly gives away a corner. Malouda to swing it in.
Rejoice, Tootsie Pop fans... Bendtner is warming up!
59 mins: The commentator points out that if Arsenal had converted all these chances, it'd be 3-3. What good does it do to say that?
SUB FOR TOOTSIE POP FC: Abou Diaby crawls off, replaced by the pink-booted Dane. Time for him to prove he's the best in the world, then. He just needs to make sure he keeps his pants pulled up while doing so.
61 mins: Drogba spots Fabianski off his line and attempts to chip it over him from 45 yards. Predictably, he misses.
NOTE TO STEVE: Spurs don't steal players from anyone. They are, however, always available to buy back at a steal of a price.
64 mins: Walcott v. Terry. Who would win that sprint? Theo, while contemplating how to elegantly skip past the England regular, is dispossessed by Essien who tracks back. Tracking Back = something Tootsie Pop FC
Bosingwa looks shocked he got that Cole cross at the back post; after all, two defenders had chances to clear before it got there. He blitzes the ball over the bar.
67 mins: Sagna avoids going into the book, and Wenger readies to roll the dice with his final 2 substitutions.
Bosingwa cuts in from the wing under little pressure, but his left-footed drive is a thousand miles wide.
FINAL TWO SUBS FOR TOOTSIE POP FC (pray there are no injuries): Theo Walcott and Alex Song off, replaced by Denilson and Emmanuel Adebayor. The lanky/useless striker gets a little bit of the boo-boy action as he saunters onto the pitch. He looks ready to gesticulate and look disgruntled as not receiving possession exactly the way he would like in the final third.
69 mins: Lamps fouls Fabregas in midfield, but the home side do nothing with it. Then Lamps plays a lovely first-time ball out left for Malouda, but he can't cross under pressure and Fabianski smothers the loose ball.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... a possible lifeline for the Tootsie Pops? Lovely cross by Sagna, and Nicklas Bendtner powers over Essien and Bosingwa, directing a fine downward header inside Cech's far post. The striker did very, very well there. Didn't Adebayor used to do stuff like that? Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 3
The Gooners are showing some life now, with Adebayor getting into interesting wide positions and looking to cause menace. Another goal in the next 5-7 minutes would make things very interesting.
Somewhere far, far away, Sir Alex Ferguson is fast asleep, not even bothering to watch.
Lamps blasts a free-kick from 30+ yards way over the bar.
74 mins: Nasri's been largely rubbish today. ANOTHER GOOD CHANCE FOR TOOTSIE POP FC.... another great cross into the heart of the box, and Bendtner powers a header back across goal, forcing a fine diving save by Cech. Van Persie was right behind the Dane, and should have probably been a bit more vocal in calling for that ball. A lot more momentum with the Tootsies now.
Then, a weak shout for a penalty as Adebayor nips behind Bosingwa and tumbles, but it was never going to be called, not even by the moron Phil Dowd.
Toure then levels Malouda with a hip-check as the ball's going out of bounds. Malouda is down, but just a free kick. Some emotion is being shown at Emirates!
SUBSTITUTION FOR THE BLUE LONDON SCUM: The Unibrow Bosingwa departs, replaced by Branislav "I somehow scored TWO goals at Anfield!" Ivanovic.
78 mins: There is still some fight left in this one (like that bit in Ocean's Twelve where they all end up in jail except for Matt Damon and Bernie Mac and the other guy, who plan that whole shenanigan with Julia Roberts acting as Julia Roberts in that Italian hotel), but Tootsie Pop FC need that 2nd goal quickly if there's to be any semblance of excitement.
80 mins: RvP fizzes a free header towards the top corner, but Cech is a giant and catches it easily.
PS. Both teams have had 13 attempts on goal?
A nice link-up down the left with Adebayor setting Fabregas off. The Spaniard gets to the touchline and chips a cross into the middle, but Cech stretches to grab.
82 mins: Bendtner finds Nasri in the box, who steps inside and has his shot blocked out for a corner.
A mess in the middle! The home side can't force it in with defenders everywhere; Toure, Silvestre and Gibbs all have chances to shoot, but it goes over the top.
Coulda been different if it wasn't three defenders trying to force that ball in.
85 mins: There's a surprising amount of excitement in this for a game that's 3-1.
UM, CONTENTIOUS PENALTY DECISION ALERT! Adebayor is through one-on-one with Cech, knocks the ball past the goalie and goes down! Emirates demands blood in the form of a PK! Upon review, Adebayor totally fucking dove. Sorry, Gooners.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... that's how you respond. Malouda beats the offside trap and shoots into Fabianski's legs, Anelka hits the post with an empty net (he was a bit offside, no?), but the ball pings into Florent Malouda who bundles it into a still empty net. Some real pinball stuff, and also the final punctuation mark on a weird, wild afternoon. That's the best thing about liveblogging Tootsie Pop FC matches; win, lose or draw, you do get your money's worth. Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4
SUB FOR BLUE LONDON SCUM: Malouda off, having had a surpringly decent game, and he's replaced by the growling, miserable Kraut, Michael Ballack.
90 mins: Curtains. Close. In Ocean's Twelve, George Clooney and Julia Roberts are smiling and giggling, having double-crossed the French guy. Brad Pitt is kissing his girl on an airplane, and everyone's happy.
Some lazy passing and both teams just killing time. RvP has a shot that's blocked, and the Blue London Scum knock it about a bit having calmly cleared their lines.
FULL TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4
Not much to cheer about if you like Wenger and the youth/flair/potential, etc. Their midfield is shockingly soft when not in possession. Hiddink brought his men well-prepared, and the result is deserved. Maybe the 4th wasn't, but the margin of victory is a fair representation of the gulf between the two sides today.
Thanks for making this entertaining in the comments. I should liveblog the Gooners more often.
What have we learned?
- Buy some fucking midfielders that can tackle
- Ocean's Twelve is a decent flick, though not legendary
- Adebayor is a filthy diver
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