Friday, May 15, 2009

Kirk Broadfoot, bad cook

Cooking is a dangerous business, especially when it's mixed with football. Just ask Gordon Ramsey. At best you can face some backlash for your lies. At worst, you could end up in the hospital because you can't even boil an egg.

Kirk Broadfoot, mainstay right back for Rangers and sometime fill-in for Scotland, injured himself last weekend while poaching an egg. It seems that, if you play for Rangers, the ideal way to poach an egg is to put it in the microwave. The downside is that, every so often, the stupidity of doing so explodes in your face when you open the microwave door. So, it's really a Sophie's Choice-style dilemma.

The real issue here, of course, is the article's headline. Zara Phillips is 12th in line to the British throne. In order for her to become a Queen I could really get behind, a massive die off of King Ralph proportions would have to take place. The same is true for Kirk Broadfoot. If Broadfoot is ever to be considered a star, BBC, then about 10 Rangers players would have to die for him to rise to the label. Let's not hyperbolize here, that's not the way the British press works.

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Fresh off the press, right as this was going to post, from today's Fiver
COOK WITH KIRK: POACHED EGGS (SERVES NONE)

Ingredients:
4 eggs
225g butter, softened
400g caster sugar
3 lemons, finely grated zest only
375g plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
235ml milk

Method (as favoured by top chef, Pope's O'Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot):

1. Beat together butter and sugar until golden and creamy.
2. Sift flour into bowl.
3. Wonder why substance in bowl is still golden and not flour-white.
4. Look down in direction of feet.
5. Where are your feet?
6. Look back in bowl in search of feet.
7. Look back down at bottom of legs.
8. Realise your feet are buried under a big pile of flour.
9. Go and fetch broom to sweep up flour.
10. Come back carrying mop and bucket.
11. Trip over as walking in straight line makes you feel dizzy, dropping mop and spilling contents of bucket all over floor.
12. Roll around in batter for ten minutes or so.
13. Get up and start to cry. "Ma flour! Ma cake!" The hot tears should clear your face of batter, apart from the small bit on the end of your nose.
14. Stop crying as you realise you are not meant to be making lemon drizzle cake anyway. It's breakfast time!
15. Throw away lemons, baking powder and milk. Pick up egg.
16. Put egg in toaster.
17. Duck as egg fires out of toaster, over head, and smashes against far wall.
18. Pick up egg.
19. Put egg in toaster.
20. Duck as egg fires out of toaster, over head, and smashes through window.
21. Phew, cooking's hot work! Open window.
22. Pick up remaining eggs. Decide to poach rather than toast them.
23. Place pan of water on hob.
24. Remember what happened the last time you tried to poach an egg using this method, and the water caught fire.
25. Put eggs in microwave.
26. Turn up to 11.
27. Take eggs out of microwave and inspect them.
28. Get into hospital-bound ambulance for treatment after egg explodes and squirts scalding albumen and yolk into your face. Did you break the eggs before putting them in? You don't know, do you? Look on the bright side: though you've "got some facial burns" you "should be okay". Also, that last bit of batter's been blasted off the tip of your hooter.
29. Relax. Sit back and listen to the soothing sound of the ambulance siren.
30. Realise that isn't an ambulance siren; you've got into the back of an ice-cream van. Mivvi, please, mister!

2 comments:

David said...

Is it a coincidence that Ramsey was a trialist for the Huns and Broadfoot is one as well?

The Fan's Attic said...

Roe unto Kirk.