Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Good, The Bad, The WTF

Ah, Germany. You've given us so much already. How did I know that if I went back to the well there would be something waiting for me? Because you are so very much you, and you just cannot change.

On thing you definitively cannot change is the past. And you did a lot of stupid crap in the past. Never, though, have I seen one team pull off three outstandingly bad jerseys in a row. At least, not until I investigated your Kaiserslautern team, Germany. Then I knew that bad decisions could and would be repeated within you borders. Of course, that's your 20th Century history in general, Germany, but I guess you knew that.

The start of the 1990s were heady days for the Southwest German club. The decade kicked off with a win in the German Cup to close the 1989-90 season. That was immediately followed up with a Bundesliga championship in 1990-91, a win whose memory can only be soured by the fact that they had to wear these shirts.


So, was someone at Uhlsport or Kaiserslautern a big backgammon fan? Because that is the distinct impression I get when looking at this shirt. All it needs are those little red and black checkers, though I suppose the club and sponsor badges are a start.

For the 1991-92 season, Kaiserslautern did what clubs are wont to do--make fans buy a new replica because the design has changed. The club moved away from the purple highlights of the previous shirt, and went with just red, white and black.


Oh, and they added check boxes. So, if you wanted to have a vote of some kind, you could just write the choices on the shirt and let friends check off whichever one they liked. Or maybe the club has a sawfish for a mascot, I don't know. What I do know is that this shirt may have featured the most sublimated pinstripes ever recorded on a football shirt.

Deciding that two bad shirts in a row wasn't enough, and that relative symmetry was for the birds, Kaiserslautern and Uhlsport (who must be held equally responsible) unleashed a new shirt in time for the 1992-93 season.


What do you even say? On some level it looks like a white bandage has been ripped off of the top middle of an all-red shirt and is hovering just above, producing a black shadow. Beyond that, there are some pipes, possibly indicating someone with an architectural fetish for getting rid of waste.

Now the question is asked. Which of these is the worst? We'll take your vote below.


8 comments:

Paul Done said...

Has to be #1 by a long shot. There's no excuse for purple in football jerseys . . . even if you're a dodgy euro.

#3 is great . . . if you're racing for Team Honda.

The Fan's Attic said...

i gotta say i like the crest. it's funny in a low-brow humor way.

Keith said...

The third one looks like some kind of Keith Haring tribute.

hockalees said...

Couldn't you have used a photo of the middle kit instead of a screenshot from FIFA'91 on the Genesis?

ü75 said...

@TFA-you always seem to see the middle school humor that I miss. I guess that's why you have the career you do.

@Keith-needs more motion lines

jape said...

To quote my man Kenny Powers "I love you Kaiserslautern, but you have clothes like a fuckin' dickhead!"

Nathaniel said...

#1 definitely.

Although u75 went the backgammon route, I'm thinking of the flags that ships run up the mast to communicate various things about the weather, etc.

A very gay German ship, of course...

ü75 said...

While #1 gets the comment love(hate), #2 leads by a couple of votes. Interesting.