Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Very Unprofessional Christmas

What does Santa Seppy Claus have in his magic sack this holiday season?

While we here at UF respect the holidays of many faiths (...any excuse to drink...), it's obvious that the 800 lb gorilla this time of year is Christmas. In my family, Christmas means one thing (two actually, if you count liberal self-medication) -- good ole fashioned consumerism. If you're part of our clan, whether by blood or relationship, my mother demands a wishlist from you. And in the interest of self-preservation, you'd had better give her one in a timely fashion.

This year, outside of the 3rd season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (seriously, if you don't watch this show, do it now) and assorted Liverpool swag, I'm not really wanting for much. But that's not to say that aren't those who are, though.

So, let's take a peek at what's on the wishlists of some of our Favorites (and non-Favorites) from around the World of Football.

Roy Keane:
A new job and a razor to shave his Unabomber beard ahead of his next interview. Better yet, how about a job as the next pitchman for Gillette razors? Unfortunately, that gig comes to an abrupt end after the red mist descends and he chokes out Titi during the filming of his first commercial.

Kevin Keegan:
Forget the razor, this man just needs a job. Do you have any idea how important it is to a man's self-worth to have a job which he can quit at the first sign of trouble? In lieu of gainful employment, a fat, undeserved pay-out from Newcastle would be welcomed.

Michel Platini:
The Beatles' complete catalog and a lifetime's supply of Thomas' English Muffins, simply because he appears to depise all things English so much.

South Africa:
Luck. With 2010 looming and continued doubts over their ability to stage the next World Cup properly, they're going to need it.

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A body-length mirror to admire himself in and which will tell him who's the loveliest in all the land. Also, lessons from a six-year old on what to do when the ball is headed for your face/head.

Vinnie Jones:
A taste of his own medicine. Oh, he already got it. Then, a tampon to sop up all the blood.

Major League Soccer:
A g*ddamn clue. You don't have the talent pool for continued expansion. Why do you refuse to heed the lessons of the NASL?

More of the same, please. The UF Crew collectively pities the fools who draw the Catalan club in the knock-out stages of the Champions League. [Ed. Note: And we collectively wish that our teams avoid Barca at all costs]

Sam Allardyce:
A do-over. After passing up the Sunderland job, leaving it for Roy Keane, Big Sam is hoping somebody remembers what wonders he worked at Stupid F-ing Bolton. Also, the Jawbone Bluetooth so he'll continue to look like a fast food drive-thru employee upon his return to management.

Robbie Keane:
A rich vein of form in front of goal. Despite his claim that he's not worried about himself and therefore nobody else should be, it's time for the ₤20M man to start banging them in for Liverpool.

Michael Owen:
Rescue from Newcastle. Not that he deserves it.

The UF Crew:
Handjobs. Much like Polaroid pictures and Scottish football, what once was thought to be an obsolete relic of the past is making a comeback. (Just joking, Scottish football isn't making a comeback)

So, what's on your list?


The Fan's Attic said...

Here's wishing for the Serie C player to name names.

Sarah said...

I love It's Always Sunny. Almost as much as Arrested Development.

Bigus Dickus said...

Here's wishing for 3 points AAAAANNNND for an injury free new year for Carl Cort ANNNNND for Sarah to include fugly Norwich players on her sexy footballers list.

Andrew said...

Handjobs have always been vastly underrated. Are we talking about the same handjobs? Is there an inside joke I missed?


I base my friendships on whether someone likes "It's Always Sunny" or "The Wire." I'm elitist.

The Fan's Attic said... was a lament of some of the UF Crew that they seem to have gone the way of BetaMax. So, we put them on our Xmas wish list.

jape said...

Thankfully I do not see the HJ's represented in the Santa's magic sack photo collage.

Who is funnier? Mac or Charlie?

Mike Georger said...


But in real life Charlie gets the nod because he's married to the waitress and Mac is married to Dee.

Also, handjobs fucking suck, they exist solely to delay a chick from taking it to the face. Man up, suck it.

Keith said...

We are underrating the Reynolds kids as characters. . .especially since Kaitlyn Olson killed it all season as Dee.

That said, Charlie gets the nod. He wrote Night/Day Man, had the Pepe Sylvia conspiracy theory, and of course, WILD CARD, BITCHES!!!

/jumps out of UF van.

Andrew said...

Between Mac and Charlie, I'd go with Charlie. The way his character developed from the first season - when he played a stupid foil to Mac - to this past season where he went "full-blown retard" is great. Mac hasn't really grown as a character.


Precious Roy said...

Charlie... He's a master of karate and friendship.