UF Quick Throw: Keane to Ipswich

Roy Keane will indeed take over at Ipswich. The former United player took Sunderland from the bottom of the Championship to the Prem in one season. Kept him there the next, then quit halfway through this season. Ipswich are probably expecting something similar, but maybe planning on avoiding being left at the altar, as they gave him a two year deal. The club fired manager Jim Magilton by phone Wednesday after he failed to earn a spot in the promotion playoffs.

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UF Quick Throw: Bin Man...Binned

Apparently winning the local Derby over your bitter rivals doesn't get you praise in the backwards bolt-holes of Ipswich. It gets you the sack.

'Gentleman Jim' Magilton was canned this morningm, one day after laughing at the Norwich fans who sang "Youre getting sacked in the morning" after Mooney put Norwich one up in the derby last Sunday. Magilton has been elbowed for failing to reach the play-offs, but I think there was more to it than finishing a possible 7th.

Magilton caused his own downfall when he held a much publicized closed-door meeting a few months back and only invited some of the players, alienating the rest of the squad. His sacking comes one day after Ipswich appointed former Olympic committe guru Simon Clegg as Chief Executive. Maybe he can form an Ipswich badminton team for 2012, because they are clearly shite at football.

I know... people in glass houses and all that!

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Sick Love

Bigus is very tolerant in such a modern world. A world where almost anything is possible, but this story I share, is a shocker. This depraved, disgusting union, this filthy perverted relationship I read about this morning is just plain sick. Hold onto your stomachs.

Ipshit fan Simon Bardsley and Norwich fan Claire Hales are getting... MARRIED!

A horrifying sight if ever there was one.

WTF... does she know he turns into a vomit gargling trog at the stroke of midnight? Does she know that his disgusting stench will follow her around like a new puppy? Does she know that he is football retarded? Oh she must... but Claire doesn't care! That's because Claire is in love...Awwwwwww....(clank, bluuuuuuuuurh, wiping mouth, pushing bucket away)

The couple who met 8 years ago are getting married tomorrow. On Valentines Day.

Scummer Bardsley says "Settling down with Claire is the best thing that could have happened to me.” Ain't that the truth! This is like winning the lottery for a scummer, they usually have to settle for whatever creature the nearest farmer will breed for them.

Quick...Run before it is too late!

Miss Hales clearly needs some advice from Bigus if she is to make a go of this:

1: Never feed a scummer after midnight, The trog in him can turn violent on a full stomach.
2: He is going to want to take you shopping in his tractor. Insist he sells it for a car. This is how normal people hit the shops.
3: If you suspect he is having an affair, canvas the local livestock.
4: Avoid contact with him on Saturday's between 3 and 5 pm. This is when the average scummer turns into a complete gibbering buffoon. You won't understand a word he is saying. It may be upsetting.
5: End every argument with TWO-NIL, BINNER. It will put him in his place but may bring tears.

For history of his ancestry click here.

Good luck..You will need it, love!

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Norris Charged.

Ipswich Town's drink-drive sympathiser David Norris has been hit with a misconduct charge by the FA for his 'secret message' goal celebration earlier this month.


Norris celebrated scoring against Blackpool on November the 8th by making a handcuffs gesture to his friend Luke McCormick. McCormick was jailed in October for killing two young boys while drink-driving. The former Plymouth keeper and team-mate of Norris was driving home from Norris' wedding on June the 7th when he ploughed his Range Rover into a car killing 8 year-old Ben Peak and his 10 year-old brother Aaron. The boys father was also badly hurt, sustaining back and neck injuries. McCormick was jailed for 7 years and four months.

Norris' celebration caused national outrage, which the midfielder tried to play down by stating the celebration was a 'secret message' he could not reveal. Later he admitted the 'handcuffs' sign was meant for McCormick when he visited the victims mother Amanda Peak to apologize for the act. Ipswich fined Norris two weeks wages after the incident but it appears that the FA are keen to make an example of Norris.

And rightly so.

Bigus

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Ipswich? Hell NO!

Ipswich you say? Haaaaahaaahaa...NO!

Misfiring Portsmouth 'mistake' (6 million pounds from Preston NE) David Nugent is reportedly refusing to join Ipswich for 5 million. Nugent mulled over a loan switch last season and snubbed the bin men after refusing to make a decision, and now Ipswich have come back in for Nugent and offered 5 million. But the goal shy 'hitman' still refuses to join the Suffolk club... and who can blame him!

Nugent's reluctance to leave Portsmouth will frustrate Harry Redknapp as he has plans for that 5 million! Nugent played 15 times for Portsmouth and failed to find the target.

Nugent might not be able to buy a goal these days but apparently he is a man of refined taste.

You stay put until a half-decent side comes in David. U.F salutes you!

-Bigus

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Championship Preview - Ip..Ip..Ip..Them.

Ipswich: Desolate town inhabited by rarely accepted mutants.

For those of you that are not familiar with the town of Ipswich I will help you along a bit with a brief history lesson.

Ipswich was founded in 1937 when a government transport tanker carrying nuclear waste accidentally hit a pot hole, swerved and overturned into a ditch. The tanker leaked and fire from the engine caused an almighty explosion that lit up the night sky for all to see. A no-go zone was created and scientists deemed the area to be extremely hazardous. Giant walls were immediately erected and the people behind the boundary were left to fend for themselves.

After 30 years scientists re-entered the disaster zone, which was named Suffolk after the suffocating smell that emanated from the area. Those brave scientists (later awarded M.B.E's) found that the entire population of the area had evolved into a new transmogrified breed of mutated humans.

Taking pity on the seemingly slow and unfortunate creatures a town was created for them to inhabit, and thus, Ipswich was born. Once the walls surrounding the town were removed in 1968, Suffolk 'folk' became victims of shocking abuse and prejudice from the rest of the country, stemming from fear of the unknown.

Map of Ipswich before the Wall was taken down.

Through Government assimilation, it was decided that the best thing to do to help the mutants of Ipswich fit in was to form a football club and allow them to enter the football league. Ipswich Town FC was formed. In 1969 the mutants of Ipswich kidnapped a successful manager named Bobby Robson. Not wishing to enter the town for fear of infection, Robson was sacrificed. He learned to tolerate the locals and actually won them the F.A Cup and the UEFA Cup. Robson was allowed to leave in 1982 to manage England, and was knighted by the Queen in 2002 for his bravery.

Today Ipswich compete in the Coca Cola Championship and have formed a fierce rivalry with the nearby (40 miles) mighty City of Norwich. When these two teams meet, the citizens of Norwich don face masks for fear of infection. Although clear of radiation, the face masks are a stark reminder and a taunt to Ipswich fans of their interesting history. A vaccine was actually administered to the entire country through the water supply in 1966 and since then Ipswich has been clear of infection.

Ipswich Town play in a desolate location in a make shift 'stadium' called Portman Road, and the ground itself was built on the site of the tanker spill. Although now safe, fumes still affect the area and the mutants seem to still suffer effects from these fumes when they are at the site. Symptoms include monkey-like behaviour on match days and a repetitive chanting that no one can understand. Usually there is a large amount of flag waving at Portman Rd as the locals make use of their 3rd and 4th arms.

Mighty Norwich City take on Ipswich Town.

So how will the team fare for its mutant people this year? Well last season chief mutant Marcus Evans bought the club. Evans is very wealthy and made his money selling nuclear waste to the government to be used by the Ministry of Defense.

Evans has started to spend money on the team. Towards the end of last season they signed talented midfielder David Norris, and this off-season they re-acquired born and bred mutant native Richard Wright. Wright had tried to fit in at top flight clubs throughout his career and failed miserably, never truly being accepted at Arsenal, Everton or West Ham.

Other notable signings this summer include Norwich and Colchester reject Kevin Lisbie. Lisbie scored just one goal for Norwich against Watford during a loan spell from Charlton in 2005, and was loaned 5 times beofre settling at Colchester. Ipswich will be his 8th club.

Ipswich also signed Gareth McAuley from relegated Leicester and Pim Balkestein from Heerenveen.

Outgoing players include Sylvan Legwinski, much hated loudmouth Fabian Wilnis, Shefki Kuqi(loan) and the aging Jason De Vos.

Rumor has it that Ipswich may ALSO spend 5 million on Portsmouth failure David Nugent. Nugent will do very well in the Championship, but 5 million for a player who scored 0 goals for Porstmouth after a 7 million pound move from Preston is ridiculous. Still, better their money than mine!

Ipswich supporters will fancy the playoffs this year, realistically they will finish in the bottom half of the table, where they really belong.

-Bigus.

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Mark Halsey takes the early lead

Mark Halsey takes the early lead in the Graham Poll Memorial English Referee of the Year 2008 race. In the 24th minute of the Ipswich Town - Portsmouth FA Cup tie, Halsey sent off Liam Trotter for a one-footed challenge that did not even connect. Well, just look at it here

The offense happens at the 1:04 mark, with a couple of clear replays showing the minimal contact.

Halsey's Wikipedia page has taken a slight beating after the incident. Here is the offending paragraph, preserved for posterity:

Although regarded as one of the country's 'elite' referees, he is a complete disgrace. His last match was the FA Cup match between Ipswich and Portsmouth where in the opinion of all in attendance and all of the football analysts who saw it afterwards, he wrongly sent off Liam Trotter for a "lunge" on Pedro Mendes who then proceeded to roll around on the floor like the cheating foreigner he is.

That might seem harsh on Halsey, but even the BBC match report calls him out on it. Halsey blew it, and should have to pay some price for it.

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