Welcome to the Jungle: UF Fantasy Footy League

It's Friday and that means The Weekend is upon us. Besides a brief respite from the excruciating minutiae that clutters our weekday lives (or is that just me?) and heavy drinking that is soon to follow (no happy coincidence those two things are side-by-side), The Weekend means footy -- both of the real and fantasy variety.

That's what I'm here to talk to you about today -- UF's Fantasy Football League (and time permitting, a lucrative multi-level business opportunity I'd like to cut you in on). Held through the ever-excellent Premier League platform, our league is off and running, just like it's real-life compatriot (with 37% less whinging).

While we'll likely be recapping the jaw-dropping action of point culmination during the early part of the week, when the new standings are hot and fresh like a Krispy Kreme doughnut, today will serve as an appetizer. So, let's take a look at the teams inhabiting our league and what we might have to look forward to (that is, if you have a gapping hole in your social life like moi). And maybe I'll even drop some golden nuggets of fantasy footy advice along the way.*

(*guaranteed to lead you to mid-table mediocrity. That's right, you can be the Middlesbrough of your league!)



After the first week, Denver CF sits atop the table with an impressive 69-point haul in the initial outing (sixxxxxty-NIIIINNNNE!). Take that with a grain of salt, though, since Hull currently has as many points as Chelsea.

Sitting second in the table is one of my contenders for Worst Named Team --- 'Ronaldo's Raiders'. Unless the team owner's name is actually Ronaldo (which it isn't, it's fucking THOR! Please tell me that's your actual given name, because that would be sublime), any mention of the Douchebag himself immediately draws my ire. Plus, the Raiders fucking blow. They're like West Ham; plenty of history, including a violent faction of fans, that have completely lost the rudder and are currently adrift in a Sea of Suck.

Right behind He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken's Pompous Picaroons is another Worst Named Team nominee -- 'ChadBunzFC'. At least this time, the team's namesake is actually a Chad. Yet, anything that conjures up images of a stranger's heiny is lame at best. And apparently, Chad hails from the street and doesn't care about spelling. You see, the 'Z' bestows upon him street cred. Which is something every fantasy footy player should certainly be striving for.

In fourth place resides my last Worst Name nominee -- 'Justified FC'. If manager Tony E meant this to be a Justin Timberlake reference, then I'll take him off probation. Seriously, the kid (Justin, not Tony) oozes talent out his ears (flava infection, maybe?), bathes in pussy and both records are rather enjoyable. Any other interpretation of this team name is unacceptable.

As for Best Named team, I'll rule out my own ('Clash City' being a wonderful Clash reference, thank you very much). I'm partial to our own LB's 'Nunca Caminaras Solo' because I'm a homer (no shame in having to Google it). But, 'Brain Stabbing' has a certain ring to it that I find pleasing. Fan's Attic, you win. 'Cobble Villa', 'Don't Be So Ruud' and 'Where is Watford?' all were in the running as well. Where is Watford? At the bottom of the table, just like your fantasy team.

Taking a look at the make-up of the actual teams, it will come as no surprise that there are certain shared players amongst the competitors. Fernando Fucking Torres leads the front-line for no less than 11 of the 21 clubs. Fabregas, the 2nd leading points getter (behind The Cunt), is employed nine times (and we're all waiting on his fucking ankle to heal). Clichy, a defender who likes to get forward, has found his way onto 7 teams, with Meite (crap defender for a crap team) and Howard (balls! banana! microwave!) are also playing lucky sevens.

Speaking of players, let me take this opportunity to publicly call out Ian for making Stoke goalkeeper Steve Simonsen the captain of his TheoFabregas squad. Are you Glenn Roeder in disguise?

Not that I'm a Special One over here. I'm the only asshole to have made a transfer after the first week. Thanks, Michael Carrick.

So, I'm on the look-out for diamonds in the rough. But, who is going to be the Darkhorse Surprise Player of this season? Well, don't look for any answers today.

#1: I'm hungover and don't have them right now.
#2: There's no way I'm telling this lot in the first fucking post. You'll have to come back.

In the meanwhile, I wonder what happens come Fall when His Douchiness finds his way back into a United shirt. How many of you will pony up the cash to buy the guy who seems to sweat points?