Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Newcastle United falls into the hands of terrorists!

Newcastle already has a known terrorist, of course

UPI reports today that Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley is close to selling his team for $600 million. The potential buyers are a family who run a very successful building firm in the Middle East. Oh, and their name is bin Laden, do you think that will complicate matters?

Yes, it seems some members of the extended bin Laden family have taken a shine to the possibly-soon-to-be-renamed St. James' Park. Nevermind that this is a family who had long since disowned their infamous cousin by the time 9/11 happened, the Toon Army is not happy about it. One fan asked, "Will he really be prepared to sell the club to the family of a terrorist?" Apparently, yes.

Or no, depending on whom you believe. The Guardian reports Newcastle have put the kibosh on bin Laden rumo(u)rs. What the club have not been able to shoot down, as it were, are rumo(u)rs that Ashley is looking to offload the club he acquired only last summer. US firm InterMedia Partners said late last week that Newcastle had approached them with a $850 million asking price. IMP turned them down, saying they had no interest.

So, if the club is in fact on the market, why wouldn't Ashley sell to a firm looking to develop the area around St. James' Park? According to various biographies, Ashley is not a lifelong Newcastle fan, just some rich guy who picked up the club because it was available. Why would he be worried about the atmosphere around a town where he does not even live? I'm guessing he's not, it's just that the offer wasn't as high as he would like.

I'll tell you this, though. If the sale goes through, there is no way anyone is getting on this BE plane. "Hey look. Ours is the plane named after the manager of the club that the family of that terrorist owns". Highjackings galore, I tell ya.

In the end, though, I'm calling shenanigans on the story. Since Osama bin Laden is a known Arsenal supporter (I know, we can't control everyone), and his family have long since disowned him, I think they would launch a bid for Tottenham instead. Unless, of course, they found that operating a local Saudi club would be more likely to take home meaningful silverware.

Thanks to Bigus for the photoshop


Mike Georger said...

it may sound racist but i dont trust mideastern oil families to run teams, nor do i trust asian human rights violaters. where the fuck are all the english billionaires at? with all the plundering that country did youd think there would be a few families with nazi gold that could buy something once in a while.

worst country ever.

Goat said...

With the Toon Army at their disposal, they'll be unstoppable! Our only hope is that said army's drunkenness will render it rather useless.

King Garry I Of Swandanavia said...

A Muslim family would never buy Tottenham. Not even to spite Osama.

Tottenham are known as The Yids. Muslims and Jews working in close harmony?

New Isreal, anyone?