Friday, January 9, 2009

Our latest UF Contest Winner speaks!

After Phil's caption competition success, he had more than a few ideas and decided to tackle the terrace chant. Take it away, Phil...

Ah, the terrace chant. They don't come out very often, are often off-the-cuff and are spurred by current events, so they have a pretty short shelf-life; but when they do they are often hilarious, in all of their completely profane and insensitive glory. Some of us kicked a few around in a comment thread a few weeks ago, so when Bigus gave me opportunity to write a post, I figured I'd turn our fun there into fun for everyone.

Besides, the alternative was some sort of bilious pro-Spurs screed, and, really, who wants to read that. So, to get to the point: what's the funniest terrace chant you've ever heard?

Nothing will ever top the classic "There's Only Two Andy Gorams." What better way to keep The Old Firm alive and well than ridiculing Rangers' schizophrenic keeper ? It's the Platonic form of terrace chants. But there are others, not quite so funny, but just as inventive.

Here's a couple of my favorites:

Tweedy, Tweedy, Tweedy
She cannot f*cking sing
And when she's shaggin' Ashley Cole
She dreams of Ledley King.

In spite of the unfortunate mental image of Ledders in the missionary, an excellent chant. In the wholly and completely wrong category, though, there's this:

Eduardo..oh oh,
Eduardo..oh oh,
He's lost his silky skills...
Now he walks like Heather Mills

Only football fans can find a way to make fun of a horrific injury and an actual cripple (miserable harpy though she is). We're a fantastic group of people. Doughy, pasty, spiteful little bastards that we are.

Finally, there's this:

My bank account is f*cked up cause of the prices at The Lane,
Seventy quid you're having a laugh, they've mugged us off again,
I've taken up a mortgage just to cover for this game,
As the autopay goes charging on......
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, and the autopay goes charging on

Because if you can't ridicule your own club, who can you ridicule? So, what say you, UF'er's? What's the funniest terrace chant?


Keith said...

Never have I been prouder of my fellow Villans than I was for the Eduardo chant.


He ran down the left
He ran down the right
Now that boy Eduardo runs in circles all his life!

phil said...

My proudest moment for American soccer fans came when Chelsea played the MLS All-Stars here in Chicago. The Chelsea fans that traveled (and probably their circa 2005 American fans) began giving the American fans some stick, to which the American fans responded by chanting:

"We have dentists!"

Mike Georger said...

Nothing will ever top a solid 'bullllll shit' imo. Though the epic 'tastes great' 'less filling' exchanges at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in the early nineties come close.

jjf3 said...

As an American who knows no chants beyond the famous ones, but one who also can't wait for the site to finally update, here I present my own personal stupidity: picks for the weekend, purely to keep my head straight:

Best week of my picks ever: I went 6-4, but yet again with no exact scores...this psychic business is surprisingly harder than I imagined, despite seeing ads for them everywhere...

here goes absolute shite:

Aston Villa 3-1 West Bromwich
Everton 2-1 Hull City
Fulham 2-0 Blackburn Rovers (this hurts me)
Middlesbrough 0-2 Sunderland
Newcastle United 2-1 West Ham
Portsmouth 1-3 Manchester City
Arsenal 2-1 Bolton Wanderers
Stoke City 0-3 Liverpool
Wigan 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur
Manchester United 2-2 Chelsea

too many beers in to be doing this. I presume that means I'll go 9-1... :)

NYCanary said...

If I had the wings of a sparrow.
If I had the arse of a crow.
I'd fly over Ipswich tomorrow.
And shit on the bastards below below..
Shit on, shit on, shit on the bastards below below,
Shit on, shit on, shit on the bastards below.

phil said...

I'm only a poor little Yiddo
I stand the back of the Shelf
I go to the bar to buy lager
And only by one for myself.

bergkampesdios said...

Posh Spice is a slapper
She wears Versace clothes
And when she's shagging Beckham
She dreams of Berti Vogts

/Go Scotland

Nathaniel said...

Found another one:

"Steve Gerrard Gerrard.

He kisses the badge on his chest

He's in Southport under arrest

Steve Gerrard Gerrard."