Guest Post: Let's all laugh at Arsene, shall we?

Lifelong Chelsea fan (and Norwichomon legend) Lumberjack couldn't resist penning a few smug words about their crosstown rivals. No, of course he's not talking about Spurs. After all, few do.


Been a while since...

God Bless Arsene Wenger. He’s a man with an extraordinary eye for talent, a football visionary who brings joy to the beautiful game and a possessor of the gormlessness about reality that one so traditionally associates with his Gallic brethren.

Arsenal is fine, he says. The kids will get us there, Lord Wenger remonstrates. No need to break the bank, states All High and Mighty Arsene.

And the rest of us just giggle. Since the enormous glory of His Invincibles, the rest of the world has simply regularly Waterloo'd Arse’s Arse.


This season is the glorious pinnacle of the Wenger big tease. A firm 4th place in the Premiereship with a solid and stolid 68 points and a pending thumping at Old Trafford. This form goes delightfully, like a fine Bordeaux with a nice, stinky camembert, with Fourthenal’s wondrous 3rd place effort last season (83 points), their 4th place form in the 06/07 campaign (68 points) and another resounding 4th place finish in the 05/06 season (on 67 points). It’s a Spurs like effort in its waste, except that Spurs did get to put a piece of silverware into the cabinet last year.

Of course, King Wenger wasn’t satisfied with his 4th place laurels in just the Prem. He needed to show that his precocious group of talented children were capable of consistent football, thus they finished an effective 4th in the Carling, 4th in the FA Cup and completed a magnificent quadruple by cementing a 4th place finish in the Champions League.

Is Emperor Wenger disappointed in these fourth place finishes? Is he unhinged by his team’s numbing ability to finish exactly between 3rd and 5th?

Goodness gracious no, and the rest of us could not be more delighted.

Sally forth, Arsene.

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Guest Post: Eladio looks ahead to next season's Champions League

The rules, they are a-changing. With CL qualification and organization undergoing a summer reshuffle, it's going to take a genius to figure it all out. Well, we couldn't get one of those, but we could secure longtime UF commenter Eladio to do all the heavy lifting.

The first two-thirds of the 2008-09 EPL (Suck it, Barclays) season had many storylines, but the one that kept my interest for most of the time was the battle for 4th place between Aston Villa and Arsenal. (By the way, did anyone see this video of Mr. Tom Hanks on Jonathon Ross’s show, explaining why he’s an Aston Villa supporter? Also – I think he said “723 crack footballers”, not “crap footballers”. Anyway, it remains to be seen if Keith loves him or not. Also, his impersonation of fans who tell him “Forrest Gump” is their favorite movie – hilarious.)

Once Villa went into their March swoon and Arsenal starting showing signs of a backline (albeit against 723 crap footballers), the Gunners locked up 4th place and everyone seemed content for a month or so.

But then, in an effort to boost ratings for meaningless, late-season matches, TV pundits started bringing up the battle for 3rd place between Arsenal and Chelsea, mentioning over and over again that the new UEFA Champions League qualifying rules are changing drastically for 2009-10, and that 4th place will no longer be the cakewalk it has been for non-automatic qualifiers in years past. I paid little attention to the white noise, as I’ve been conditioned year after year to care only about 4th place.

But now that the 3rd place is out of reach and the silly season is almost upon us, I thought I’d look into these new UEFA rules and see what the difference between 3rd and 4th really means.

Before looking in to 2009-10, I wanted to revisit the old rules for getting in to the CL. Up to last year, places 3rd and 4th in England went directly into the 3rd (and last) round of Qualifying for the CL. This qualifying round included all teams that went through the 1st 2 qualifying rounds of the CL and those who got the free bye to the 3rd. However, once all teams got the 3rd qualifying round, UEFA seeded those teams. From a large document on the UEFA website entitled “Regulations of the UEFA Champions League 2008/09”, section 8.0.1, they state:

The UEFA administration seeds clubs for the qualifying rounds and the group stage in the UEFA Champions League, in accordance with the club coefficient rankings established at the beginning of the season and with the principles set by the Club Competitions Committee. If, for any unforeseen reason, any of the participants in such rounds are not known at the time of the draw, the coefficient of the club with the higher coefficient of the twoclubs involved in an undecided tie will be used for the purposes of the draw.

Because of this seeding, the 3rd and 4th placed teams in England (and the other major leagues) were not in huge danger of facing a tough squad.

In August 2008, 3rd place Arsenal faced Twente Enschede, the 4th place club from the Eredivisie, and 4th place Liverpool faced Standard Liege, the Champions from the Belgian First Division. Because of the seeding neither team was in danger of facing other teams in the 3rd round of Qualifying -- such as Atletico Madrid, Juventus, or Barcelona – so they had an easy go of it. (Oh right – Liverpool needed a Kuyt goal in the 118th minute of the 2nd leg to get through... oops.)

Nevertheless, the 3rd and 4th place teams from England were not in tough straits in getting to the group stages.

With the 2009-10 CL season, the rules of qualification have changed. (The UEFA website has a good outline of who gets in by each country’s FA association here)

First off, there are 22 automatic qualifiers to the group stages: 21 as outlined on the page above, plus the Title Holders. Now that it’s a foregone conclusion (no, not David Brent’s band) that both ManUre and Barca are going to qualify by winning their respective leagues, I believe this means there will be another automatic group qualifier from somewhere else.

(I can’t find any information on the UEFA site as to who would move in to the group stages, but in 08-09, they had the following “provisional” comment: Scottish champions Celtic also began in the group stage as United were already qualified through after winning the English title, hence PFC Levski Sofia moved forward to the third qualifying round and Wisla Kraków and MTK Budapest were excused the initial stage.

So based on this, I’d guess that the next country down the list that doesn’t get automatically into the group stage (which happens to be Belgium) will now get an automatic entry to the group stages. But that’s just a guess.)

The other 10 qualifiers to the group stage come through preliminary qualifying this summer, but those 10 are split into 2 groups: the “Champions Path” and the “Best-Placed Path”. Each “path” (which sounds like the Cult of Platini – “Follow the path and eternal enlightenment will be revealed – but not if you speak English”) will contribute 5 teams each.

Here are the qualifying rules for each “path”, from the UEFA website:

• Champions Path
The first qualifying round comprises three two-legged ties involving the champions of the countries ranked 48 to 53 in UEFA competition. The winners of those ties progress to the second qualifying round where they are joined by the champions of the 31 countries ranked 16 to 47 (except Liechtenstein). The victorious sides from those 17 ties join the champions from the associations ranked 13 to 15 in the third qualifying round, with the winners of those ten pairings reaching the play-off round. These five play-off ties will take place on a home-and-away basis with the winners qualifying for the UEFA Champions League group stage.

• Best-placed path
The third-placed side from the sixth-ranked member association, plus the runners-up from the associations ranked 7 to 15, start the competition in the third qualifying round. The winners of these five ties progress to the play-off round, where they are joined by the fourth-placed sides from the associations ranked 1 to 3 and the third-placed teams from the associations ranked 4 and 5. The victorious teams from the five play-off ties qualify for the UEFA Champions League group stage.

What this means is that those in the Champions Path will face each other, and those in the Best-Placed Path will face each other, but never the twain shall meet (until the group stages). Arsenal will obviously be in the Best-Placed Path, and thus, I wanted to see what this might look like. Based on the criteria above, it will/could look something like this below.

(NOTE: All teams I included are based on CURRENT league standings, though some were from tables in another language that I couldn’t understand, so no guarantee these are correct.)

Best Placed Path, Third Qualifying round includes these 10 teams:
#6, 3rd place: Dinamo Moscow (Since the Russian League ended in November, Dinamo Moscow are confirmed here.)
#7-Romania, runner up: Unirea Urziceni
#8-Portugal, runner up: Sporting Lisbon
#9-Netherlands, runner up: Twente Enschede (McClaren alert!)
#10-Scotland, runner up: Celtic
#11-Turkey, runner up: Sivasspor
#12-Ukraine, runner up: Shakhtar Donestk
#13-Belgium, runner up: Standard Liege
#14-Greece, runner up: PAOK Salonika
#15-Czech Republic, runner up: Sparta Prague

These 10 will participate in five, 2-legged ties. These 5 winners will then join the next 5 qualifiers of the Best-Placed Path group, and these 10 go to the “Play-off Round”, with another set of 2-legged ties. These next 5 qualifiers would be:

#1-England, 4th place: Arsenal (Confirmed here.)
#2-Spain, 4th place: Valencia
#3-Italy, 4th place: Fiorentina
#4-France, 3rd place: Lyon
#5-Germany, 3rd place: Hertha Berlin

So let’s look to see how many “Danger” teams would there be that Arsenal might have to face. Of the first group of 10, I’d rate 3 of them as “Danger”: Portugal-2nd; Scotland-2nd; Greece-2nd. I would also say that ALL the other 4 clubs that advance directly to the playoff round would be classified as “Danger” as well. (One could argue about Fiorentina or Berlin; however, I would say that there’s just as good of a chance that a team like Juventus or Munich could wind up in those spots as well.)

Then I would use an assumption that only 2 of the 3 “Danger” teams from the 3rd Round make it through to the Play-off Round. (I tried to figure out the % chance that 2 of the 3 would play each other, which would automatically knock off 1 team, and then decided that even if all 3 had ties against weaker teams, there’s a chance that at least 1 of those 3 could lose – and I came up with a figure of 2.4 teams to advance, which is ridiculous as 2/5 of a team would lose anywhere around the world – I mean, Norwich has proven that this year -- so I went with two.) This means that Arsenal would be in the Play-off Round pool with 9 other clubs – 6 of whom would be classified as “Danger”. (And yes, I know the “Danger” classification makes it sound like I’m on Bush’s Homeland Security Team, but bear with me -- I’m almost done.)

All this means that Arsenal has around a 67% chance of being drawn against a tough opponent in the final play-off round for CL group stage qualification, whereas in previous years I’d say that the chance of being drawn against a tough opponent was less than 20% -- and even that might be generous.

I would wager that these new UEFA rules make the difference between finishing 3rd and 4th FAR GREATER than the difference between finishing 2nd and 3rd in past years. In fact, just look at the quality of teams that may have to play each other in late August this year: Arsenal; Valencia/Atletico Madrid; Juventus/Fiorentina; Bayern Munich/Hertha Berlin/Stuttgart; Lyon/PSG; Celtic/Rangers; Sporting Lisbon.

Considering that the vast majority of CL revenue is based on making the GROUP stages, I think the accepted wisdom that finishing 4th is the most important spot in the League Table (after winning the league and avoiding relegation, obviously) is going to have to be changed to finishing 3rd. It isn’t an easy waltz into the group stages for the 4th place club in the EPL anymore – and in some years could easily mean a contest against a side such as Inter Milan or Real Madrid.

And because these games take place in August (the playoff rounds will be completed by 8/26/09), there would still be time before the transfer window closes for a player to request/demand a transfer to another team that did make the CL group stages. (Although, this would require the player NOT to have played in the Play-off Round; otherwise they’d be cup-tied. At least, I believe so.)

Thinking back to Arsenal, might someone like Fabregas or van Persie request NOT to play in the Play-off Round (and in years past Wenger has definitely played a lesser squad in these prelim games, albeit against weaker competition) in case Arsenal is knocked out prior to the Group Stages, thus leaving them open to a transfer to a team that did qualify? Just more things to worry about during the off-season.

Platini: dreaming of paths that could potentially screw the English

Quickly, I also wanted to touch on the “Champions Path”, as I think this change also impacts the group stages. The Champions Path includes the winners of the leagues that are ranked #13 thru 53 (San Marino – GET IN!), and they all enter the competition at various stages based on their UEFA ranking. By separating out these clubs from the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place finishers from the better country’s leagues, UEFA is ensuring that at least 5 clubs from countries with weak football leagues will be in the group stages.

Let’s just look at teams ranked 13-20 to get an idea of who they might be. (Again, based on the most recent standings, and no guarantee these are correct.)
13 – Belgium. Anderlecht
14 – Greece. Olympiacos
15 – Czech Republic. Slavia Prague
16 – Switzerland. FC Zurich
17 – Bulgaria. CSKA Sofia
18 – Norway. Rosenborg
19 – Denmark. FC Copenhagen
20 – Austria. SV Red Bull Salzburg

Now I don’t want to slag off any country’s league champions. Good on you for doing the best you could do in the league you happen to be in. But is there anyone out there who WOULDN’T rather play any of these teams instead of any of the teams I outlined above in the Best-Placed Path? I didn’t think so.

I’m sure Platini would spin these changes to say that they’re trying to open up the competition to a wider array of countries. This will definitely do that, but it’s also going to give the Champions & Runners-up of the top country’s leagues a much easier chance of advancing to the knock-out stages. They’re basically making the gap between the top and bottom of the groups wider. And in my opinion, these new rules will make the group stages less competitive, and a lot more boring (if that's even possible).

Finally, one other change to the CL schedule for 2009-10 that I found interesting.

The 1st Knockout round (after the Group Stages) will be split over 4 weeks instead of 2. In years past, these 8 ties would be played over 2 weeks, meaning that 4 games would be played on a Tuesday, and 4 on a Wednesday, and then do it again the next or 2 weeks later. Because only 1 game could be shown live, 3 games would either not be shown, or shown on tape delay. In the 2009-10 1st Knockout round, 1st leg matches will be played Feb 16, 17, 23, and 24, and the 2nd legs will be March 9, 10, 16 and 17.

This means that only 2 games will be played a day, and that 4 games will be televised live instead of just 2 – and they just doubled their TV revenue. (Although this might also mean a lot of Twente/Bordeaux and Besiktas/Rosenborg matches as well. You’ve been warned.)

So there you have it. I have no doubt that there at least 1 of the teams from the top 5 leagues in Europe who will be out of the Champions League before the group stages in the coming year, and possibly as many as 3. And then everyone will realize what I’ve come to see: 3rd place is the new 4th.

Read more on "Guest Post: Eladio looks ahead to next season's Champions League"...

Roda JC survives!

At UF, we love a good, heartwarming story, and Roda JC's is no different. As you know, Norwich weren't as lucky in their relegation battle -- sorry Bigus, next year! -- but our Limberger friends in the Eredivisie were, and Joep Smeets had this to say about their final weekend.

Nick Hornby once wrote that it is only acceptable to sell your soul to two clubs when they are so different they are unlikely to ever meet. Hornby spoke about Arsenal and Cambridge United; my father raised me to love Roda JC and Barcelona. This past week, those two clubs and my emotional state couldn’t have been at two further extremes.

After the explosion of joy that was the win against Chelsea, Barcelona started preparing for the league title. Roda started to prepare for a last, desperate reach to get out of the seemingly bottomless relegation hole they had dug themselves into. One game to go, in need of a win but away at Feyenoord, relegation would be a fitting end to a disastrous year.

After signing a multi-year extension at the end of last season, Roda’s coach had to go early into this one. He did not go quietly. The mudslinging between club and coach, the outspoken reluctance with which his assistant took over and a long and fruitless search for a suitable (and, sadly more importantly, affordable) replacement were diversions an already under-performing team really didn’t need.

And then came the merger.

Roda is from Kerkrade, located in the southernmost point of Holland. In this small area are two other professional teams; Fortuna Sittard and MVV, both second-leaguers, both perennially in financial trouble. The south of Limburg is an economically troubled region, so there are too few sponsors to sustain all these three clubs. Roda, too, has always been dependent on transfer income and personal investments of Nol Hendriks, a local industrialist.

When Governor Frissen took a long hard look at this situation - all three clubs performing poorly in their leagues, and even more so financially - he concluded it would be a smashing idea to concoct a merger. And while the clubs are no more than thirty kilometers apart at most, there are enormous cultural differences in that tiny region and as a result, the rivalry between them borders on civil war.

The Dutch Football Association, who had repeatedly shot themselves in the foot in recent years by adding new clubs to a league in desperate need of the exact opposite, saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Their decision over the fate of Fortuna Sittard (which would have suspended their license) was postponed on the sole condition they would merge with Roda; MVV, in a bewildering momentary state of financial security, had opted out.

Roda, meanwhile, was steadily heading for the relegation zone.

It would take a book to write down everything that happened in those months. A commission, existing solely of people who had already spoken out in favor of the merger, was formed. They came to the surprising result that the merger was indeed a good idea, in spite of heavy fan protest and accusations they had not done enough to see if the teams could still manage to go on separately.

When they decided to go through with it, it turned out that the raise in budget the commission had promised would have had to come from the city government; except nobody had told them. They were quite surprised to hear they had to cough up about four million euros, which may explain their reluctance to do just that. Without a raise in budget, the prime argument for a merger, it was blown off (as it had been before in 2000).

Through all this, Roda kept steadily digging away at the ground beneath their feet. They conceded a last minute offside goal in Week 33 that sent them into 18th place, the only spot in Holland that guarantees automatic relegation. Considering Roda’s already poor financial health, relegation virtually equaled bankruptcy.

So, without a single away win all season long, Roda traveled to Rotterdam. I was at work at Ajax – FC Twente when the game started and I don’t remember anything of that game. There are about 100 small screens inside a television truck and I had all of them that showed Roda within my eyesight shut down. I couldn’t watch. I was kept up to date by about five different people and with each text message I soared or fell. One goal up, then two goals and one man up. A team that hadn’t shown any character all season long was grabbing on to their last chance.

Feyenoord came back, 1-2. Roda countered, 1-3. Then 2-3 and another red card for Feyenoord. This was the point where our director, knowing I couldn’t see the game, thought it would be funny to say Feyenoord had tied. I’ve never felt worse in my life than how I felt knowing my team, the team I’ve loved for all my life, the team my father took me to when I was a kid, would effectively cease to exist. When he saw the expression on my face, he was so shocked he apologized immediately and profusely for his cruel joke. I didn’t care.

From the corner of my eye, on a small screen on the other side of the truck, I saw the referee blow the whistle. My team was saved. For now.

Read more on "Roda JC survives!"...

More on the Van Basten fallout

Our friend Joep Smeets was available for comment to give us some insight into the mess at Ajax... COME ON YOU LIMBERGERS THIS WEEKEND!
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EULOGY OF A COACHING CAREER

Quite a few of my friends support Ajax, but none of them share an opinion about van Basten’s decision to leave his post one game before season’s end. One friend is disappointed, another one relieved. One is angry and another one resolved.

The decision follows a 2-6 loss at PSV in week 32, which killed off any title aspirations they may still have had and a 4-0 loss at Sparta, which lost them second place and the Champions League qualification.

Whether they’re angry or disappointed, when asked to look at Ajax’s season objectively, all of my friends agree results like these sound like reason for dismissal. But like I wrote in my Season Review, Ajax could not afford to fire van Basten for several reasons.

After years of hastily changing coaches, Ajax resolved to appoint someone for the long term. They went with van Basten, a child of the club and furthermore fresh off a pretty spectacular display at the Euros. They gave him a virtual carte blanche regarding staff and transfer policy, which is an usual position of power in Dutch football.

But van Basten inherited a squad that was meagre to say the least. His additions didn’t perform up to expectations either. Mickey Sulejmani, brought in for a record 16.5 Million Euro, obviously misses the outstanding support of Liverpool target Daniel Pranjic at Heerenveen.

Robbie Wielaert, who was brought in from FC Twente in the winter break to add leadership to a young defence has looked lost while his old team didn’t suffer in the slightest under his absence. Oleguer has looked disinterested and only turns up for European fixtures. Ismael Aissati was marred by injury. Don’t even get me started on Evander Sno.

Heavily depending on the maddeningly inconsistent Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez, Ajax lacked an idea of what it actually was they were doing all season long. There was no consensus starting eleven and the contrast between the hungry attitude of the team in European competition with their lethargic play domestically was enormous.

Furthermore, van Basten showed the same subtlety in dealing with individual players as he had done during his time at the Dutch national team, which is to say not very much at all. When goalie Maarten Stekelenburg went down injured and inexperienced replacement Kenneth Vermeer did well, Stekelenburg was unceremoniously benched upon return, only to see Vermeer crumble under the pressure of being first choice.

Leonardo, a striker who performed well each time when called upon from the bench wasn’t awarded with a first team place long enough for it to become a national discussion.

A legendary striker in his day, he was never the tactician who set out the lines for his team, nor was he a team player, let alone a team leader, but rather an eisenlgänger who was as gifted as he was disruptive. Van Basten’s reputation as a world class player is justified and many believe he was shocked by the lack of quality of his own players.

Never a great communicator, he failed to instil his own winning mentality in his team. Through all this, doubt about whether van Basten was the right man for the job remained, apparently also with San Marco himself.

Read more on "More on the Van Basten fallout"...

Our latest UF Contest Winner speaks!

After Phil's caption competition success, he had more than a few ideas and decided to tackle the terrace chant. Take it away, Phil...

Ah, the terrace chant. They don't come out very often, are often off-the-cuff and are spurred by current events, so they have a pretty short shelf-life; but when they do they are often hilarious, in all of their completely profane and insensitive glory. Some of us kicked a few around in a comment thread a few weeks ago, so when Bigus gave me opportunity to write a post, I figured I'd turn our fun there into fun for everyone.

Besides, the alternative was some sort of bilious pro-Spurs screed, and, really, who wants to read that. So, to get to the point: what's the funniest terrace chant you've ever heard?

Nothing will ever top the classic "There's Only Two Andy Gorams." What better way to keep The Old Firm alive and well than ridiculing Rangers' schizophrenic keeper ? It's the Platonic form of terrace chants. But there are others, not quite so funny, but just as inventive.

Here's a couple of my favorites:

Tweedy, Tweedy, Tweedy
She cannot f*cking sing
And when she's shaggin' Ashley Cole
She dreams of Ledley King.

In spite of the unfortunate mental image of Ledders in the missionary, an excellent chant. In the wholly and completely wrong category, though, there's this:

Eduardo..oh oh,
Eduardo..oh oh,
He's lost his silky skills...
Now he walks like Heather Mills

Only football fans can find a way to make fun of a horrific injury and an actual cripple (miserable harpy though she is). We're a fantastic group of people. Doughy, pasty, spiteful little bastards that we are.

Finally, there's this:

My bank account is f*cked up cause of the prices at The Lane,
Seventy quid you're having a laugh, they've mugged us off again,
I've taken up a mortgage just to cover for this game,
As the autopay goes charging on......
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, and the autopay goes charging on

Because if you can't ridicule your own club, who can you ridicule? So, what say you, UF'er's? What's the funniest terrace chant?

Read more on "Our latest UF Contest Winner speaks!"...

More dispatches from the Relegation Zone

Image courtesy of Hockalees

It's been a rough season so far for Tottenham Hotspur. This is nothing new for loyal disciples of the sport, most of whom have been busy photoshopping the hilarity and standing by laughing at the carnage.

Perhaps one of the hardest-suffering of the Spurs faithful is not our own Likely Lad (although he is seriously afflicted, believe me), but the humble Relegation Zone Mikey. RZM is, in many respects, the typical sports fan; he sings when he's winning, and can be found at the bottom of a pint glass when he's not. We're all like that, but for some reason, watching RZM go through it is far, far worse. (I think it has something to do with the fact that there's no real end in sight to his misery)

He's been referenced in Mr. Hirshey's work before, and now he's decided to tell his side of the grim, awful, reckless story that is Tottenham Hotspur, 2008/09.

If only his outpouring of heartbreak and finger-pointing could give Spurs an extra point or two.



I love Tottenham Hotspur FC but what they are doing to me right now is cruel. The feeling of despair I felt after the Hull game cannot be described. I am a man with two kids and a wife, so technically I'm not allowed to let Spurs' start to the season affect my weekends yet I confess, from late summer until now, our household has not been the model of familial harmony.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

The optimism I felt before kick-off at 'Boro in August has been replaced with disbelief. I did not go into this 08-09 season with dreams of Champions League football. I am a rabid supporter, yet even I am not that delusional. I did go in with the goal of UEFA Cup football next year and a hopes of a bright future under Juande Ramos. so where did it all go so very wrong? I need to hear the opinions of the educated UF reader to help me sort out the disaster that is Spurs' start to the season. The only place to start is obviously the top. Is Daniel Levy responsible for this shambolic start? Let's lay out the case.

Levy always tells Spurs supporters about his ambitions to take us into the "Top 4" of the Prem. After the sale of Michael Carrick, he was quoted as saying, "once again for the record, we are not a selling club, rather we are building for the future. When we have players on long contracts we have no need to entertain offers." (Quote from Topspurs.com)

We were told he wanted to leave, so we took Levy at his word. Well, after this summer Mr Levy might want to retract that statement. With roughly 75-to-80 million pounds of talent in and almost the same $$ out, it would seem that he has no real plan at the moment except to run a nice profitable football team to line his pockets with.

Did the Berbatov affair really need to go on until the transfer deadline leaving us no other options than the UEFA Cup tied Roman Pavlyuchenko? I really get physically ill thinking about the fact that a year ago we had Berbatov, Keane, and Defoe and now we have Bent, Pavs, and Frazier Campbell on loan. The $$$ are nice, Mr Levy, but they can't buy back the goals you sold.

We have scored 4 league goals this year, one of them being an own goal at 'Boro. One was also an accidental goal vs. Villa that Bent got in the way of a wayward cross. Where are the goals going to come from, Daniel???

Levy will quickly point out that Keane and Berbatov wanted to leave. Guess what Daniel: Ronaldo, Barry, and even Arshavin wanted to leave their clubs too, yet they are still where they started. You hold the damn contract! Remember what you said about not being a selling club? Is it all bollocks? We are propping up the league, our strikeforce is decimated, and our team is comprised of talented parts that do not seem to fit correctly. Can we simply blame a greedy chairman?

I guess blame could also be laid at the feet of our Director of Football, Damien Commoli. Surely the man who ok'd 16.5 million for Darren Bent has to be held partly responsible, no?

I could go on and on analyzing his signings and how they do not make sense in the big picture. The glaring needs for THFC were a Defensive Midfielder, a Left-Sided Midfielder, and cover for King. Corluka was a good acquisition in the back but were the other needs addressed? Instead of a DM, we bought a couple of attacking midfielders in Dos Santos and Modric, while also adding another RM in Bentley.

This has obviously led to selection headaches for Senor Ramos; we have many players out of position which is making our play on the pitch poor to say the least. As another Spurs blogger noted, the books are balanced but the squad is not.

That leaves one more person who has to look in the mirror and accept some of the blame as well.

Senor Ramos, the shine is definitely off the Cup now and he has some explaining to do. On paper, at least, there is talent on the team. Shouldn't Juande be doing better than 2 points in 6 games? Since the League Cup, our form has been extremely poor. Wembley was a great day out but that was a long time ago.

The turnover in players has been massive, yet what are we left with? 400 wing backs and no spine, as my mate Bigus reminds me daily.

Is this true? Is this what Ramos envisioned? Is this the squad he thinks can contend for the Champions League and Cup glory?

Every week we seem to have a different 11 and even our players do not know what to expect every game. We need some continuity so our players can gel. The natives are clearly getting restless and Mr Ramos must be feeling the heat. When Bent came on for Pavs against Portsmouth, the travelling supporters serenaded Ramos with a hearty "You dont know what you're doing." He definitely couldn't ignore that, could he? I guess as long as Poyet didn't translate it for him, he's no worse off.

Bottom line: these are troubling times. UF readers. Where has it all gone wrong for Spurs?

Read more on "More dispatches from the Relegation Zone"...

Counterpoint: ESPN? No thanks!

For our counterpoint, we turn to one of our commenters. He was super worried about the length of his diatribe, so if you just put tl;dr in the comments, he may not be able to handle it. He does start off with a nice double entendre, so at least he is in tune with the general maturity level of this site's writers.

Won't you please welcome Mike Georger to the fight. He did a heck of a lot more research than I did.

1. Penetration: Hiding the tip

One of the biggest arguments for putting the EPL on ESPN is that it will reach more households. Let us assume that ESPN Classic would be getting it, as the talk was of turning that into ESPN 3 or whatever. Classic is not a mainstay of cable packages like its ESPN brethren; it currently reaches 65 million households. Fox Soccer Channel currently reaches 35 million households, and it has added ten million in the last year and a half alone. So while it would almost be a doubling of the households, over one in ten of American households still gets FSC. Add maybe the six or seven people who get Setanta and you’re looking at even more. It’s a jump to be sure, but not one that justifies the negatives ... now as for said negatives.

2. The Broadcasters

Derek Rae and Tommy Smyth are the mainstays of ESPN and would surely get the big games, I can deal with that, I like Rae but despise Smyth, but I can deal with it because they have good chemistry. However ESPN feels the need to stock their studio teams with former USA players such as Julie Foudy and Eric Wynalda, who are both insufferable. Foudy has been rightfully blasted around these parts, she tries too hard and cannot keep up with the wit of Smyth and Gray. Wynalda cannot be faulted; everyone knew he was a bastard, so why anyone expected him to not come across as a smug douchebag is beyond me. What worries me is decisions like that of giving primary World Cup coverage to Dave O'Brien and Marcelo Balboa. Really we are going to give the world’s biggest sporting event to a baseball announcer and someone with two years of sideline reporter experience? It was a disaster, and ESPN defending it by saying they were trying to appeal to a larger audience by using people who would call the game in simplistic terms. It was a move that was insulting to people who cared about the sport and to me showed how little ESPN understands it. JP Dellacamra, Adrian Healey, and Janusz Michallik are all very good at their jobs, but continually get overshadowed by the 'personalities' that ESPN brings out to try and pump up their coverage. I am not watching to be entertained by the zany Wynalda, I am watching to see the game I love and hear thoughtful insight and the occasional brilliant goal call (attn: Andy Gray).

Sure FSC doesn't have the best announcers for the games, often it's just one guy. However I rarely have beef with whoever is doing the games, they usually show a wide range of emotion and seem to have a good understanding of the history of the game. Truth be told I could not name one of the announcers on FSC or Setanta, and that’s having watched games there for several years, but I guarantee if I couldn’t stand them I would know their names. I have enjoyed the Liverpool league and cup games I have seen on FSC, I cannot always say the same about the Champions League games on ESPN; for Tommy Smyth to suggest Peter Crouch was benched in Athens because he was ineffectual in the tournament when in fact he was their leading scorer, that kind of mistake should not happen and just shows they really aren't putting much into it. Also, what the hell is with the distance covered statistic whenever someone is substituted? Maybe it would be more useful to show how many shots someone had, how many fouls they committed, how many corners they won, their passing percentage, or any relevant statistic. To me this just says ‘hey we are trying to show these guys run really far and therefore are top notch athletes’, this smacks of simplicity and I think just goes to show how little they understand their audience.

3. ESPN Doesn’t care about football or black people.

ESPN sees the game as an investment in my opinion, which at the base of it all I cannot fault them for as they are a business. However to me it comes across that the people at FSC generally care about the game. I cannot imagine anyone working at ESPN putting forth the clear passion for the EPL that you see on Fox Football Fone In. While admittedly the show has suffered slightly since Nick Geber left and broke the dynamic of Chelsea/Liverpool, it still fun to watch and listen to the hosts get pissed off at whatever manager or player is currently hiding his head up his own ass. When England were bounced from qualifying, they went apeshit, and rightfully so because they are English. How many English people does ESPN have, Healey and thats it? You cannot convince me that Skip Bayless or any of the talking head gas bags on PTI or Around the Horn could talk about the game the way the FSC guys do. FSC currently shows SkySports News at night, and their coverage of the EPL is magnificent. They have interviews from almost every manager from every game, and the broadcasters know the sport. On ESPN we get maybe an ESPN Deportes update buried in ESPNews showing one highlight per week. Sportscenter anchors aren't versed in the sport, they don't talk about it, and I don't want to have to goto them to get my EPL news during the week. I'll take a stacked British broad who knows the difference between Man City and Man United over Stuart Scott's booyahs any day of the week.

The Euro coverage is another example. While sure they brought in Andy Gray, look at what the BBC is doing with their coverage. Their coverage team consists of Martin O'Neill, Alan Shearer, Alan Hansen, Gordon Strachan, Marcel Desailly, and others. Thats one of the best holding midfielders ever, one of the best defenders ever, and four men who became Officers of the British Empire for their service to the game. Now that is a group of guys I would want to hear talk about this game. Face facts, a British network is going to put together a better package than an American one.

My last point here is a bit of the screenshot evidence of ESPN not giving a shit and just airing the tournament for mid afternoon ratings. These were taken Saturday and Sunday after the Holland and Spain games. The first was taken at 5:52 p.m. Roughly a half hour after Russia bounced the ember hot Dutch. Third story on the side banner, not too shabby, but really the NBA Draft gets the lead item? I gave them the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe they would update it and bump it. Four minutes later at 5:56 I was proven incredibly naive. Holy shit really an NFL piece gets the main headline? Some games had gotten the main story earlier in the tournament, so why when the NBA and NFL are both done does it get fifth billing? Ridiculous. Immediately after the Italy game I went to the gym but when I got back at eight I logged on and saw this. NOWHERE two and a half hours after a game between two of the best teams in the world. They paid millions upon millions of dollars to air this tournament and they don't even put up a story about it in their sidebar of news stories? You cannot say ESPN gives a shit about this. If you look at FSC.com after most games in the tournament they have had between one and four articles about each game. Not just AP stories either, they actually have people writing things, such a novel idea. ESPN would rather put up three stories about the NFL and two about NASCAR than one about the second biggest sporting tournament in the world.

One last cheap shot here, Soccernet.com is garbage. If you want to get information on any league outside of the big six you are out of luck. If you want to know who scored in a World Cup qualifier from the Oceanic region, you are going to have to go elsewhere. And the worst thing is that their most interesting articles on the Bundesliga and La Liga are in German and Spanish respectively. Hey thats great appeal to other countries, but realize there are English speakers that want to read those articles too.

4. Beating up government officials over the slow progress of High Definition TV

As I understand the situation, the reason there is no HD here is that the HD technology in England is vastly inferior to ours, and the cost of bringing over an HD feed is four times that of a regular one. Also, as I understand it again, Sky controls the feeds, and this is something that isn’t going to change. As much as ESPN would like to make statements that they are looking to expand, they don’t have much of a presence in England and the FA isn’t going to give them the rights to the English feeds no matter what. The NFL wouldn’t give MNF to Star Sports Asia to show in America. Sky had a monopoly until recently, and even if they are outbid by ESPN I don’t see them losing the primary rights. So ESPN would be stuck with dealing with Sky, so essentially having to pay out the ass for HD. Paying for it for one tournament every two years is one thing, paying for it for three or four games a weekend for 36 weeks is a different story altogether. The money thing is a whole separate issue. Is ESPN willing to pay close to a billion dollars to get Setanta’s share? This isn’t going to be a ratings bonanza, and they may not see it as that great of an investment. Sky paid 2 billion for their share, and actually managed to increase the number of games they show from before the split; their stranglehold isn’t going to be loosened. Add to the fact that FSC is in bed with Sky, which is own by Uncle Rupert’s son, ESPN could face a tough task even getting in the game. FSC and Setanta have both made press statements that they are looking into HD feeds, but I sadly would not expect it any time soon regardless of who is in control.

5. Can I get a ruling on this: The Boston Red Sox factor.

Lets face it, if ESPN gets the rights to the EPL we will be seeing predominantly United and Chelsea games, maybe with some Liverpool and Arsenal games thrown in. Sure I will get to see Fulham and their Americans play when they play a big four team, or see City peak early in the season if they have to travel to London or a bit west, or Spurs get shellacked, but only by the big four. What I would like to see is the occasional game between teams outside of the top four I seriously doubt that will happen on ESPN. Even if Setanta is hard to get, with the current two network setup having games on at the same time is less of an issue. If ESPN got control of all the games, I can’t image they would show more than one at a time As they will be aiming for popularity, they will only show games involving the big teams.

This will inevitably lead to more and more United and Chelsea fans. There is not an American fan of United under the age of 35 that is not a bandwagon jumping dickhead. As for Chelsea maybe knock the age group down a few years and it’s the same thing. I myself am in my mid twenties and have been following Liverpool since I was 15, when I witnessed Michael Owen at the 1998 World Cup. So naturally I interact with support bases of my age group, and for United and Chelsea fans here, that consists mainly of trophy hunters. Now to be fair there are some bandwagon Liverpool supporters since 2005, and the same for Arsenal, but I think most would agree it is nowhere even near the magnitude of the former two.

What will happen is your average fratboy recovering from a crazy night of date rape, Busch Ice, and Halo, will stumble across a United game and a week later be rocking a Rooney shirt. I don't want to deal with this bullshit, as the bandwagoners are usually the most irritating and least educated fans in the game. Back home in Charlotte I goto a British restaurant for games and there is always a strong contingent of Liverpool supporters there, who I can have a good conversation about the past and the future with. Usually there are a few supporters of the opposing team, Newcastle ones are the best to make fun of, and I have no problems with them. However if theres a United fan there I always remind them they weren't any more relevant than Nottingham Forest until they started buying trophies, and I get blank stares if they are my age. The words 'Nottingham Forrest' or 'Sir Bobby' fall on deaf ears of most United fans here, and the last thing I want is more fans of a team that consistently beats the piss out of mine but have no idea why I am so upset about it. I may not like Arsenal or Everton, in fact I loathe them, but rarely do I meet a supporter that I cannot talk to intelligently about the game. Maybe the key difference here is that United and Chelsea have fans in America, the rest have supporters, and we don't need more fans. I am fine with a small yet fiercely loyal fan base. I think I just like the coziness of getting shitfaced at nine in the morning down at the bar watching Setanta with a group of strangers that I relate to, that will disappear if ESPN takes over. Call it snobbish if you will, but its not like the game has gone underexposed in this country, people of my age group have had many chances to catch onto this game, and if they can't appreciate it, fuck them, let them have their Monday Night Football, I'll take my Saturday Morning Football with a cold Carlsberg.

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Guest Post: A Dutch Fan Rejoices, Again

In the spirit of the competition, UF is trying to bring in fans to write about their country's ups and downs throughout the tournament, and with the Dutch being the biggest story of the tournament thus far, we are bringing back Joep, a Dutch native enjoying the Oranje run in the tournament, who previously recapped the Dutch perspective after its stunning 3-0 victory over Italy. Holland has already clinched its group and faces its final match against Rumania today with the prospect of having both Italy and France knocked out with a Dutch loss, but I don't think the Dutch are thinking that way.

Below is Joep's perspective leading up to and after the France match. I imagine the trepidation he felt then is not present now. And, don't forget to cheer for the Dutch because everytime they score Joep gets to do the above with a random hot Dutch women.




There was always that lingering insecurity when we looked forward to
the next game. Boisterous and confident we belted to "bring on the
French already!" But not very-deep-down it was apparent to all of us
that our growing sense of confidence was a front, and in reality
nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to hide the fear that what
he had witnessed against the Italians was nothing but a one-off. The
word fluke was not to be mentioned by anyone, but the sense that our
3-0 against the World Champions was exactly that had taken root with
everyone I spoke in the days after the game.

We started looking at the tables, and when the Italians drew Rumania
we started covering ourselves by saying that even a loss to the
French, losing finalists only two years ago after all, wouldn't even
necessarily be that bad a result. It would get our heads out of the
clouds that had gathered around them on Monday, and we would see all
the more clearly for the remainder of the Euros. So win, draw or loss,
we, being about 17 people crammed together in a student room, managed
to find half-hearted pros and cons for all of them.

Even going up early against the French didn't really ease the tension.
The French always have the habit of scoring exactly when I don't want
them to, and I don't think I've ever wanted them to blow every single
chance they'd get as much as Friday night – meaning they would surely
win. And indeed, after the halftime break, they started piling on some
nerve wrecking pressure and looked sure to score. And then San Marco
intervened.

Before the tournament started and our hopes of surviving the group
stage were slim at best, we had argued for fielding all of our best
players, in a formation that would surely leave our back four so
incredibly exposed, we would be home after a couple of days. These
players, we thought, were van der Vaart, Sneijder, Robben, Van Persie
and Van Nistelrooy. We daydreamed about this quintet on the field at
the same time, realizing it probably wouldn't happen because none of
them would track back and defend. But with 1-0 up against the French,
our defense under enormous pressure and with Sneijder, van der Vaart
and van Nistelrooy already on the pitch, Marco brought Robben. And
then van Persie.

What happened next you've all probably already seen; van Nistelrooy,
who has been forever dogged by nay-sayers about being nothing more
than a poacher, the lowest of the low, a limited striker who couldn't
score a goal from outside the 6 yard box if his life depended on it,
launched Robben on the left wing with the exact bit of skill the
French have come to see as their national heritage; Ruud's pirouette
on the ball allowed Robben to cross for van Persie for our second
goal.

The French did come back, once, but I had to wait longer for the line
for the bathrooms in the clubs of Utrecht later that night than it
took Arjen Robben to restore the margin to two. This sounds like an
overstatement but actually isn't. By the time Sneijder performed
his last minute hommage to Dennis Bergkamp, none of us had any air
left to scream. As it turns out, it takes quite a bit out of you to
see your country beat both finalists from the last World Cup 7-1 over
180 minutes of play.

We gaan naar Wenen toe. Get used to the idea and mark your calendars
accordingly.

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Guest Post: A Dutch fan rejoices

In the spirit of the competition, we'll try to bring in fans to write about their country's ups and downs throughout the tournament, and with the Dutch bringing the biggest talking points so far, head below the jump to get a Dutch perspective from Joep, a Dutch native who's enjoying the tournament back home.

The only thing I could offer at this point is: welcome to the world stage, Gio!

Of all the adjectives that have been used over time to describe Dutch football – brilliant, outdated or perennially disappointing – “modest” is conspicuously absent from the list.

Because while the international attitude to the Dutch has become increasingly impatient and you’ve all started to lump us together with other countries that spectacularly fail to deliver upon their promise every single time, we still firmly expect our boys to win each and every tournament they enter, but only through a glorious display of attacking football and anything less than about 87% possession and 66 shots on goal just won’t do.

And that was before we thumped the reigning World Champions three to nothing.

It took us a while to get used to the idea of actually outplaying a team like Italy. We’ve showed spells of pretty football before, but spells, inherently, do not last an entire game. Completely unfamiliar with the possibility of success, we naturally assumed the good start against the Italians was a nice stretch, but nothing more than that. After about thirty-five minutes, we figured, familiarity would reassert itself and for the remainder of the game, we would all be treated to an endless string of uninspired passes between our two centre halves, neither one particularly apt with the ball at his feet. Only we weren’t.

The emerging noise of car horns entering the room in which we all sat and contemplated what had just happened woke us up from our shell shocked state of confusion, disbelief and unbridled happiness. About six years ago, the sizeable Turkish population in Holland took to the streets in similar fashion celebrating their third place at the World Cup.

When we got up and left after the game ended, walking towards the station sporting orange, we were passed by people hanging out of their car windows celebrating, waving flags and singing.

This was in one of the least-Dutch neighbourhoods and streets in all of Holland.

I could go into the details of the game here. I could write how Boulahrouz proved quite a few critics wrong by his strong defensive display against the Italian-in-form Di Natale. Or I could write how Gio van Bronckhorst, too old for the big leagues and demoted to the hugely inferior Dutch Eredivisie, had the game of his life at age thirtysomething. (Ed. Note: Gio is 33] I could write how much we love it that the Italians weren’t even that poor – they created plenty of chances to make a game out of it but ultimately lacked enough support from midfield.

I could write about any of those details as much as I want but there is one thought that is far, far more important to every single Dutch person, even though they might not know it, themselves; we got a bit of our respectability back, which we completely and utterly lost in the disgrace that was our final game of the last World Cup.

Yesterday, Holland played like every single Dutchman and everyone non-Dutchman wants it to play – only with the unexpected bonus of a result we still cannot really believe.

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