Friday, July 18, 2008

UR 2 FAT. KTHNXBYE.

Let's see. A guy is too fat to do his job. So, in response, he decides to sue. Yep, totally must be an American.

Oops.

Twenty-five year old Michael Keane was given the heave by St. Patrick's Athletic of Ireland's Eircom League because:

"...he had failed to adhere to an ultimatum set down earlier this year regarding his physical condition."


Translation: He was too fat. Oh, we already said, but look at the boy, he's got his own weather system.

The hefty lefty–I'm assuming from the pic—has responded by appealing the decision. And if he wins, he'll have the remaining €200,000 ($315,000) of his salary paid out in doughnuts. Sorry, but when Ireland moved from the Irish pound to the Euro, it pretty much deprived us of the best jokes here.

See what your Union has wrought? Bastards.

The club sent Keane a letter earlier in the year (similarly) urging him to drop the pounds, going so far as to include a target weight. Even though Keane has yet to miss a training session since that time, he apparently hasn't missed too many desserts either and failed to hit the number. Ergo, he got the boot.

Anyway, not sure which is a better line to go out on:

A) "Ricky Gervais, is being lined up to play title role in the film version of the story"
B) "Maybe Michael Keane is Irish for Jared Lorenzen" Or
C) "Ronaldinho has apparently ponied up to help cover Keane's legal expenses."

None of those is particularly great—eh, it's a Friday, so we mail a couple in every now and then (some of us already have our heads elsewhere)—but any help with Costanza'ing is much appreciated.

6 comments:

Bigus Dickus said...

Maybe he could join Andy Reid at Sunderland. Keane likes fat useless irish folk.

Mike Georger said...

man that pitchfork lineup is really good. sadly those assholes are so full of themselves i cannot even begin to consider giving them money. giving zaireeka a 0.0 FUCK YOU PITCHFORK

Precious Roy said...

They really gave Zaireeka a Blutarski?


Eh, I get to see Public Enemy perform all of It Takes A Nation of Millions without having to hang out with the Ptichfork writers. How could I complain. Also amped about the Hold Steady when I'm gonna walk around and drink. If I overdo it, I'll be in the chillout tent.

Mike Georger said...

yep 0.0
they just strike me as the kind of people who like bands strictly for being edgy or unheard of. if i created a band called 'reservoir tip nunnery' or 'menses lost and found' im sure theyd love it

The Fan's Attic said...

Just call him the Michelin Man.

Kopper said...

Is he John Hartson's illegitimate son?