Parents Just Don't Understand

Life is full of asshats and it just so happens that parents of child-athletes seem to have higher proportion of asshats compared to regular society. Case in point, two Wisconsin gentlemen arrested earlier this week after an altercation at their daughters' soccer game.

Jeffrey Perlewitz, an off-duty Waukesha cop, and Ralph Newcomb were arrested and ticketed for disorderly conduct. The details of which could not be funnier.

Perlewitz was watching his daughter play soccer when he saw his daughter get slapped by another player. He yelled to his daughter to “just slap her,” the report said.

A 45-year-old City of Waukesha woman was displeased by the comment and told Perlewitz his comment was inappropriate, the report said.

Perlewitz and the woman exchanged words and later, when the officer’s wife arrived at the park and he told her that he got into a tiff with a woman, she asked who it was. Perlewitz said it was the “fat lady,” the report said.

Newcomb overheard the “fat lady” comment and called Perlewitz a name and told him to pick on someone else, the report said.

To be fair, truth is an absolute defense to slander and she is a 45-year-old Wisconsin woman.

Even better is the seemingly animalistic ritual the two men engaged in after Perlewitz truth-speaking!

Perlewitz approached Newcomb and asked if he had a problem, and the two men started to belly bump each other, the report said.

I just imagine a couple of walruses fighting.

Perlewitz then proved his true class as a police officer when Newcomb and his wife tried to leave. Perlewitz stood in front of the car blocking their path, then moved to the side of the car and in a performance that would have impressed Cristiano Ronaldo flopped to the feigning a foot injury.

However, a witness said the car did not strike Perlewitz and that he, in fact, faked the whole thing, the report said.

No worries, the coach just came over and sprayed some of that magic spray and Perlewitz got back in the game.