Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Euro Eulogy: Italy... Arrivederci

Look at you, dancing on their little graves.

Ding. Dong. Blah. Blah.

Hell, Andy Gray was openly rooting against the Italians in the dying moments of Sunday's quarterfinal match and going so far as to wish Cesc good luck before his spot kick.

He made it. You happy now?

I'm sure you're all as thrilled as the boys in the Castro that Torres and Villa and Xavi are all still alive. Did you think they'd crumble? Did you think they'd lay down and die? Oh no, they will survive.

Well, fuck all of y'all and the collective horses you rode in on.

Sure Italy played "negative" football (Whatever that is, I mean, were they unscoring goals? Was it negative nil - negative nil at half, or at full time? And if Spain was playing positive football wouldn't the pitch have imploded upon itself?) but put yourself in Donadoni's shoes.

And, first, realize how lucky you are to be in such a nice pair of Forzieris. Yeah, chicks might even talk to a dickhead like you in those.

Okay, now look up from your sweet shoes and at your roster. Your best defender, the guy who two years ago shut down the entire world? He's out with an injury he suffered in training before the tournament even started.

Now, from cards, you've got no Andrea Pirlo, the best midfielder in the squad and your only creative linkage to your forwards, and gone with him is Gennaro Gattuso. He's a little over rated as a player, but he's a fucking bulldog and he looks like he is going to will the team to victory alone by singing the fucking anthem.

Fratelli d'Italia,
l'Italia s'è desta.

Fuck yeah, she has. Makes me wish the other half of me was Italian. Now let's play some fucking futbol.

I know they don't give points for singing your anthem, but if they did, the Eye-tals would have about thirteen of those stars over the scudetto on the Azzurri shirts. Shit, they'd be out of space. They'd have stars running all the way to their armpits.

And it's not just the players. Even the hot Italian ass in the crowd sings like they're gonna have to blow the corpse of Il Duce if they don't belt one out with every fiber in their incorporeal soul.

Anyway, you're still Donadoni. Now after looking at what you don't have, you look at what you do have.

Your best scoring threat looks like he skipped out on special ed class to be on the pitch. He also plays in Germany. Here's the list of top two scorers in the Budesliga this year:

1) Luca Toni
2) Mario Gomez

They combined to score zero goals against actual soccer players in the Euro. Here's how crappy the Bundesliga is: you know who finished third in scoring?

3) Wizard Cat (all the way left... the bunny was the goalie for Schalke 04).

But, you do have probably the best keeper on the planet. So Donadoni did what any fucking sane person would—play to his strengths.

Shit even an Italian can figure that one out, probably didn't even need to watch the tape of the Russia v Spain match from the group stages either to do it: "Well, No Cannavaro, no Gattuso, no Pirlo, no fucking prayer of winning an up-and-down affair. I can get run off the pitch 6-1 and never coach again, or I can try to suffocate the Spanish attack maybe generate a chance or two to score and escape 1-0 or, if not, take a chance with PKs."

And it worked for ("I'm Dave Kendall and you're watching... ") 120 minutes. He took it to the coinflip, and eh, he lost.

So, sorry if you fucking precious sense of the aesthetic was offended by what happened on Sunday, but there was a soccer match to be won. And you'll have to excuse the coach for using, you know, tactics and shit to try to win it.

Hell, Turkey does the same thing—sucks the life out of a game—and you all jump on their bandwagon like they are giving away hookers and Furbees.

So go on with your selfish little celebrations, but maybe just take a moment to consider the following. First, you should be thanking the Virgin Mary in your taco shell that Italy eliminated France. The French had actual dynamic players with talent and couldn't do shit. They was fucking painful to watch

Second, we might not be champions of Europe, but we still get to hang on to our moniker of World Champions for a couple of more years. Call me when Spain, or Turkey, or Russia, or anyone not named Brazil has one or four of those to call their own. Yeah, that's the sound of my phone not ringing.

Dead my ass.

Only for this tourney.


Lingering Bursitis said...

I like how you turned this around to be a good thing for your crestfallen Azzurri.

Shame Buffon couldn't turn a couple more pennos around the post, though.

Iker for Golden Glove

Mike Georger said...

how many of those players will still be in their twenties come 2010? chiellieni and de rossi? anyone else?

and people have been jumping on turkey in large part because of the fact they keep winning with a depleted squad, something which, you know, you just used as an excuse for losing.

i for one didnt want italy to win because of the blatant bullshit of someone feigning injury whenever spain started moving up field in numbers. far be it for anyone to think a ref would ever be in the bag for a team of italians, but that was one of the most shady officiating jobs ive ever seen.

Precious Roy said...

Didn't use the depleted squad as an excuse for losing, just to explain why Italy played for the scoreless draw.

Also, who was on the only player carded for flopping in that match?

Mike Georger said...

also, is gigi sweating pine tar or is his arm hair that coarse and greasy?

villa of course, but that replay clearly showed he lost his footing. just another indication of how well paid the ref was.

youre not seriously going to try and say that the italians didnt do anything wrong, or that what they did was okay?

Lingering Bursitis said...

Buffon is just naturally swarthy.

The NY Kid said...


First, you should be thanking the Virgin Mary in your taco shell that Italy eliminated France. The French had actual dynamic players with talent and couldn't do shit. They was fucking painful to watch

Hey, wait a minute.

/runs sobbing

Precious Roy said...


Mike Georger said...

"Buffon is just naturally swarthy."

true true. i think we are going to need another double decker bus for the joint greek/italian 'we are still the champions until someone takes the trophy' parade planned for later today. thats just too much swarthiness for one bus driver to handle, id be worried about him losing focus and veering into the crowd.

Lingering Bursitis said...

bastard. I hope that Jules Rimet can console you about the fact that your league is shit

Precious Roy said...

Point: Italy are World Champions.

Counterpoint: They sweat easily.

That's some nice debate work there folks.

The NY Kid said...

And I think we all know why the WC trophy is named after a Frenchman, don't we.

Oh, and PR:

Call me when Spain, or Turkey, or Russia, or anyone not named Brazil has one or four of those to call their own. Yeah, that's the sound of my phone not ringing.

I'll call you later to discuss 1998.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Georger: good point re: the busdriver

Roy: Serie A is crooked and the Azzurri are a miserable bunch of cheating, melancholic floppers with long greasy hair and a fondness for small boys

Mike Georger said...

uruguay is trying to call but they dont own a phone

Precious Roy said...

I take it by "small boys" you mean this.

ü75 said...

That's not fair fighting. Leave Mrs. Buffon out of this.

The NY Kid said...

This is heading toward a Google Image search for ugliest WAG.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Roy: for every bombshell in Italy, there are a million mingers.

And yes, that was cheating. Just like the Azzurri.

Mike Georger said...

so i didnt realize his fiancee wasnt italian (insert 'lack of mustache should have tipped me off' joke here) but she had a kid six months ago, thats ridiculous considering how good she looks now.

The Fan's Attic said...

PR: did you just say Mrs. Buffon is a little boy? now i know the italians don't approve of that sort of stuff.

Goat said...

NYK--I'm sorry to say but I believe the ugliest WAG belongs to Mr. Ribery. Which, I suppose, makes sense although I haven't seen Mrs. Kuyt.

The NY Kid said...

Yeah, Franck's WAG is definitely not a looker. But I suppose that fits his style.