Unlike their Liverpudlian counterparts, Catalan thieves do not wait for their local footballers to leave town to rob houses. Hell, you can even be in another room, and these guys will still take your stuff. Just ask Frank Rijkaard.
Rijkaard's home was burgled on Sunday night, with him and his family in it. Either these were the cattiest of catburglers, or the entire family was stoned out of its collective gourd. Perhaps his house is huge and the rooms were a football pitch apart, I don't know, but shouldn't it at least have a security system? Maybe a pack of dogs on the grounds?
What I do know is this--there is no way I scale a 6-meter wall without breaking something on the way down the other side. Of course, I get winded heading to the mailbox, so maybe I am not the best example. The thieves entered the master bedroom and got jewelry, watches, and a large amount of cash. Who knew that Rijkaard kept his savings under the mattress? Seems like an inside job to me.
What makes the article for me, though, is the appearance of an unnamed source. This source says, "that while the robbers were probably professionals, they would probably not have known how high profile the owner of the house was". Is it just me, or is that probably one too many "probably"s in that sentence? It seems that this unnamed source should probably be brought in for questioning. If and when they do, I am quite sure that the perp will be blonde, male, permed and bemulleted. His motive? Looking to make even past aggressions in Rijkaard's playing career.
It's the only possible answer to such an insolvable crime.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Catalan thieves do not wait for you to leave home.
You Know How I Know You're Gay?
Given all of the tension for our Scousers around here today, UF decided to delve into something that wasn't related to the Champions League clash with Chelski. Instead, we examine a recent story in the BBC News Magazine that asks the question that everyone wants answered: Why are there no openly gay football players? Although one could argue that there are openly gay players, the truth is that no one has come out (see what I did there?) and admitted that they are a homosexual (at least not through their words). The eternal debate regarding gays and sports is always two-pronged (oh, grow up!): (1) how would teammates react?; and (2) is it any of our damn business?
Clearly, there are some individuals who would prefer not to think too much about gay footballers, as it disturbs their delicate sensibilities. Djibril Cisse (why did it have to be a Frenchman?) has stated that he will not kiss any of his teammates during goal celebrations to ensure that no one thinks he is gay. Given Cisse's history, I would think he should be more concerned about his glass legs than his lips, but I digress. The FA addressed this issue last summer during the "More Than Playing Games" Conference in Belgium, but homophobia continues to be an issue.
Statistically, it is more than likely that out of over 4000 footballers, some of them are gay. Alan Smith, former Crystal Palace manager, has noted that he had "players over the years who were single and read books and so others said they must be gay" (who knew John Amaechi played football?).
However, all jokes aside, the experience of the only known openly gay footballer suggests that homophobia is still a very serious issue within the sport. Justin Fashanu, a former player for Nottingham Forest and Manchester City, came out one year after finishing his FA career with West Ham United. After initially being hailed as a gay icon, Fashanu was forced to continue his career with clubs in Toronto, Sweden, and Atlanta. Despite being fully match-fit and possessing adequate talent, Fashanu was never again offered a place with an FA club. After years of being ostracized by former teammates, and disowned by his brother, he was investigated in the United States on charges of sexual assault. Erroneously believing that a warrant had been issued for his arrest, Fashanu hung himself in May of 1998.
This has led to clubs actively instructing players to avoid any actions or situations which would appear to be of a homosexual nature. In fact, PR expert Max Clifford claims that two major EPL clubs (Chelski and ManUre?) have approached him to help players develop a "straight" image (I'm guessing this involves things like: (1) date Abigail Clancy or Gemma Atkinson; and (2) do not kiss other men). Until footballers develop a little more tolerance for alternative lifestyles, it seems that certain players will have to continue to engage in sex parties with five hookers at once in order to assert their heterosexuality and throw everyone off the scent.
He Doesn't Know What He's Missing
The first leg of Chelsea - Liverpool Champions League semifinal occurs later today. This author is hoping the Scousers continue their CL preeminence over the Blues having defeated Chelsea in the semis two out of three years. If Liverpool do manage to leave Anfield with a significant advantage we can all be assured of two things: (1) a Scouse crime spree and (2) drunkeness. Fortunately, Rafa Benitez would not likely to be involved in either of these if his squad goes to London with a lead because he's not that sort of guy."When I finish an important game I go home have a dinner, something simple, nothing special," he revealed. "I don't drink wine and I don't drink beer. I don't like champagne. I tell my wife not to waste money on it because she'd be wasting money on expensive bottles. I'd drink a little bit and she'd drink the rest!"
Rafa, that's not money wasted. (See picture).
Profligate Russian Oligarch v. Cunty American Capitalists
As has been repeated ad nauseam, Chelsea is meeting Liverpool in a Champions League semi-final for the third time in four years. The previous two times? Let's just say the Oligarch spent the summers at his dacha crying into his borscht and wiping his ass with £100 notes. In 2005 Liverpool defeated Chelsea on a disputed Luis Garcia goal and prevailed in 2007 on penalty kicks.
Since a good portion of our ranks here are Red supporters, today is likely to be full of emotion, not much work being accomplished, and sporadic Chelsea-Liverpool-centric posting. In fact, yesterday's dearth of posting is likely due to the angst of the writers.
Read more on "Profligate Russian Oligarch v. Cunty American Capitalists"...Totti proves he is indeed made of glass
Francesco Totti -your basic good looking, talismanic Roma striker- hurt his knee in Sunday's 1-1 draw with Livorno, which basically handed the Scudetto to massively uninspiring Inter Milan. Its unfortunate as Totti had recovered from whatever ailed him against Man U (sore vag) to score a cracking goal against Catania in the midweek. After surgery on Monday, it was confirmed that he will be out for four months, which rules him out of Euro 2008. But Totti's pain may turn out to be a certain Val Kilmer lookalike's gain (sorry, that was a ugly sentence).
Friday, April 18, 2008
It's like you just cannot trust anything you read in the blogosphere!
This is the Bleacher Report bio for Andrew McNair. I point it out not because I want to make fun of him, his tastes, his hobbies, his haircut, or anything like that, I point to it because of two things. First, his given bio states that he recently graduated with a journalism diploma. Second, three out of the four articles linked on his frontpage have titles that end with exclamation points. Both points will be made relevant shortly as I dissect one of his recent articles, Another Day, Another Chelsea Scandal, and Poor Old Sven!.
Inside, I'll break down his article (very short) paragraph by (extremely short) paragraph, complete with running exclamation count!
I thought I'd got everything off my chest in my last English football article, but it appears that players and owners are just as bad as the fans.
First of all, I'm not too familiar with Bleacher Report, so I snooped a bit before I laid into Mr. McNair for not using a link to his previous article. Unless every article I looked at was posted by dolts, BR is not user friendly enough to allow in-article links. So, boo on BR for not providing HTML for its users, and lesser boo to Mr. McNair for affiliating himself with a site that is not user friendly. As for the paragraph itself, I can't wait to see just how bad EPL players and owners are.
I woke up to read Tal Ben Haim's amazing newspaper rant aimed at his current boss, Avram Grant.
Don't just leave us hanging, get there already. Jew on Jew violence is always the best.
The Chelsea center back claimed, "I knew that nothing good would come with Grant as Chelsea coach." He went on to lament his lack of opportunities under Grant, and basically said he's Mourinho's player!(1)
Ooh, juicy. Once again, this could do with a link, but for now, I'm willing to take what the author says at face value. It's nice to know that this middling former Bolton defender thinks he should, presumably, be played ahead of John Terry, Alex, and Ricardo Carvalho among others.
So what? Shit happens Tal, and you're not contracted to a manager, but to Chelsea FC.
Oh, McNair's going another way with this. Um, yeah, he's right. Mourinho's gone, get over it Tal. But really, who does Ben Haim want to bench? That's my question.
Have footballers also lost the plot?
Excuse me? Where did this come from? We were talking about one disgruntled guy. Where is this blanket statement coming from?
In any normal profession such an outburst would undoubtedly get you the sack! What makes footballers so special?(2)
What's so weird about this? I talk shit about my boss all the time to the press. If by press, you mean co-workers, of course. What is a normal profession anyway, and why would the press ask them about working conditions? I don't think my local rag is going interviewing bank tellers after the shift to ask them is they like the teller window the manager gave them that day. Point being, if the public didn't, on some level, want to know footballer's opinions, they would not be asked or published.
I fully expect Ben Haim to pick up the maximum fine of two weeks wages for his outburst, and he 100 percent completely deserves it!(3)
Yeah, I think Ben Haim will have a little hell to pay over this, but it's not really a scandal as stated in the headline, is it? If it is, Mr. McNair must be easily shocked. "Oh God! They bagged my bread and my eggs together! If I don't fix it, I'll have a wonky-shaped loaf! Alert the press!" (as an aside, though I have never written or said it before, I really like the term "wonky-shaped loaf".)
It all comes back to the issue of respect amongst footballers. Apparently, they have none!(4)
As on Wikipedia--citation, please. Once again, a blanket statement that seems to be based on the single Ben Haim-Grant situation. I agree that footballers may not be the nicest guys on earth, but how about another couple of examples?
Not for each other, not for the referee, and not even for their managers!(5)
ibid.
Having said that how do we expect players to respect their managers, when even the chairman doesn't?
Transition alert. It would be easier to ferret out if the author used longer paragraphs. By the way, I hope I don't have to use (sic) every time McNair makes a grammar mistake. I'm just copying and pasting here.
I was just as appalled to hear that Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra is refusing to publicly back Sven Goran Eriksson after City's recent run of results.
Alright, Shinawatra is a new owner to the EPL. He is also of a different culture than the English. He may have different ways of dealing with personnel issues than what the author expects. You may have to give it some time before you try to read anything into Shinawatra's actions. Besides, as we have pointed out before, the dreaded vote of confidence is not something that SGE should be courting anyway.
I'm quite honestly shocked and appalled by this!(6)
What did I write above? Oh yeah. "Mr. McNair must be easily shocked." He must also be easily appalled. If Shinawatra dtermines that SGE is underperforming, he may replace him. Given that turnover in the EPL for managers is at 30% just since the season began, it's not that odd, is it?
He is reportedly lining up Portuguese boss Luiz Filipe Scolari as a replacement for Sven. What good is that ever going to do?
Big Phil is lined up for every job in the world above my local youth team. I don't think he's going to leave a Portugal squad with C. Ronaldo either before the Euros or after unless he is forced out. National Team coaching gigs are pretty cushy. You get paid the same or better to do less training, less matches and get free admission to any game in the country you want to see. Oh, and--citation, please. That guy you sat next to in the pub is not good enough.
You can't just throw another high profile manager at the job every season when things don't go your way.
Because that's what Shinawatra has done so far, is it? Oh, it's still his first season as owner, so we have no track record to go on. If Shinawatra does establish this pattern, then you can excoriate him for it. Until then, quit jumping the gun based on pub talk.
I believe Sven has done a fantastic job this season. His young squad held their own for a large part of the season near the top of the league, but sadly injuries and fatigue have led to a dip in form of late.
The most even handed lines in the article. Shame they are about to be tainted.
Everyone knows they will be a stronger side next season, with a few signings to boost the current squad. We are saying the same about Arsenal!(7)
Because no one else in the league will be making signings, Man City will rocket to the top. Seriously, until the summer arrives, you cannot talk about signings and their impact. I believe Man City will be outspent significantly by some teams, and will come out much the same next season. I have no proof, but the internet doesn't need proof, does it?
It's not rocket science!(8)
No, it's not, sadly. Of course, I don't know what we are comparing to rocket science, but I can assure you, nothing in the article so far has been rocket science.
It's funny how the clubs with foreign owners are the ones who seem to be constantly in the daily papers for the wrong reasons.
Uh, what? This is the one that really set me off. The following list of EPL clubs are foreign-owned:
I don't think the author realizes that the majority of EPL clubs are now foreign owned. I guarantee you that he was thinking of Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and, now, Manchester City. In other words, the clubs that get most of the press anyway. Can you really say anything about how Randy Lerner has run Aston Villa? What about Björgólfur Guðmundsson at West Ham? Can you even name the guy who owns Portsmouth (Alexandre Gaydamak)? No. Many of these people stay out of the spotlight. As an author, though, McNair seems to forget them because they don't make headlines and instead takes the easy targets that everyone else goes after. This is the state of modern journalist graduates, I fear (just like Scott Templeton).
The beautiful game has been truly tainted!(9)
Whew. The end of the article. Nine exclamatory statements. Blanket statements not backed up by anything. English-style pseudo-xenophobia in an article written by a South African. I sure do wish that Mr. McNair deigns to take a more even-handed approach in his future articles. It's not rocket science!
Ian Wright is no Jester!
Wright told Broadcast magazine....
"I don't know how long young people are going to want to sit down and watch that same old 'jacket, shirt and tie' format,"
he added.
Did the BBC seem nonplussed and upset by this news? Apparently not. A spokesman for the beeb said Wright was on a freelance contract and that it wished him well.
But back to Ian......Ian Wright is no jester you are saying to yourself. No no no. Not our Ian.
Not the guy who walked into the Arsenal dressing room before a game and threw 4 shirts out of the window fro a giggle. Problem was they belonged to Dennis Bergkamp, Tony Adams, Patrick Vierra AND Wrighty himself! The club shop had to be opened and new shirts printed delaying the kick off.
That Wrighty! He's no jester. Recently he recorded a silly voice mail message for 'Celebrity Messages' answering service. But he is no jester!
He sings and dances and makes jokes live on TV. But Ian Wright is no jester.
So what's Ian going to do now he has left the BBC?
He is going to host Gladiators! You sir are definitely NO jester!
-Bigus.
Tom Hicks is a giant, gaping c*nt
At this point, even as a die-hard LFC supporter, I'm extremely fucking tired with the boardroom drama. All the stories and tension are just flat-out boring. I've seen episodes of Degrassi Junior High with more excitement and emotion than this one. Well, not "seen" episodes, more like heard of. Yeah, a friend told me about them. I'll go with that.
However, if there's one way to fire me right back up, it's to threaten to take our Torres away.
From the Times [I'm crying as I cut-and-paste this]:
I mean, for fuck's sake. What will happen next? Anfield was built on a Roman burial ground?
"The Times has learnt that Liverpool borrowed the money to sign Torres, the Spain forward who has scored 30 goals this season and has already become a firm favourite on the Kop, from Atlético Madrid last summer. The club then refinanced that debt on January 25, at the same time as they secured a £350 million refinancing package.Liverpool entered into an 18-month loan agreement with interest of 9 per cent — £2.8 million a year — with a letter of credit to pay back the £31.5 million at the end of the period.
Should Liverpool be unable to pay back or refinance the loan, banks could force the sale of Torres and Babel, who was also included in the smaller refinancing package.
It is unusual for Barclays Premier League clubs to buy players in this way. Deals are normally funded using television income. Liverpool have to pay £30 million a year in interest payments on the £350 million loan, the terms of which end in July 2009. There was no official comment from the club last night."
I mean honestly. Our best striker since the young Michael Owen, and we might lose him because Hicks had to fucking borrow money to pay for him??????!?!?!? How much money did that cunt invest in the first place? Oh, that's right. He borrowed almost all of it. While the MLB is an entirely different beast, Bud "Inept" Selig is on to something when he puts prospective owners through a series of rigorous tests and checks before letting the existing owners vote and decide as to whether to approve the sale. By contrast, the EPL [suck it, Barclays] is a lawless frontier town by comparison, with conglomerate, Russian oil merchants and feckless idiots lining up for miles around to get them a juicy piece of the global soccer pie. Hicks is one of these feckless idiots. If I find out he took out a mortgage or something on our stadium to fund his son's Ivy League college bills, I swear to fucking Christ, I'm gonna gut the bastard.* And so, Tom Hicks, I will close this delightful post with a soft message to you, the architect of so many of our recent troubles [scratch that, ALL of our recent troubles]:
All sensationalism aside, this is absolutely fucking unacceptable. If ever we needed further proof of the cowboy wheelin' and dealin' ways of our obese Texan overlord, here it is! He swans into Anfield 18 months ago, wide-faced and bright-eyed, promising us the world with his talk. And now, in-between stories of him trying to push his detractors out of the giant, life-sized pram he lives in, we get revelations like this.
Tom, if you're out there, please, fuck the fuck off. Go back to Houston and diddle yourself with ballpark franks. Please stop running a much-beloved team into the ground because your own insecurity dictates that you have to act like a petulant 14-year-old. Buy Noggin. Buy some shares in Google. Whatever you choose to do with your money, I don't care. Construct a scale model of an aircraft using lunch meat. Buy the Harlem Globetrotters. Go out and get the world's most expensive handjob. I don't care. Just stop ruining something I really, really, really, really, really care about.
* Not really. Please don't come looking for me, FBI. This is tongue-in-cheek. I'm not threatening anyone's life.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
And He's Apparently Got an Armadillo in His Trousers
Me and Becks, we're just alike.
Okay, I've never cheesed 2 maybe 3 massive PKs for my country. Shit I don't even sit courtside for Laker games (that is a Laker game isn't it?).
But, if I did, I would totally stare at the Miller Lite girl's ass with the exact same "I want to bend you over and screw you six ways to Saturday and twice on Sunday... oh, and I want your friend over by the baseline to join us" look in my eyes.
Because that's pretty much what his look says.
Although hers kind of says, "Maybe if I stand a little more to the left and bend just a little more... Shit, I probably shouldn't have had the cheesecake for dessert last night after all."
Anyway, take notes Señor Belichick. That is how you ogle.
Use a subtle glance. Taking pictures might work for scouting the opponent's red zone during Super Bowl week, but when you try to do it of college coeds with your camera phone, you look like a creepy old man. 
Not even forsaking the Unibomber hoodie for the hat is helping you much.
[Update: Okay, it's not really an update but an 'Oops.' That really is a cell phone in his hand, but that pic is de-TMZ'ed. For a better version click here.]
[Second update: As my friend just asked me, "Since when did David Paymer become an NBA photographer?"]
Leigh Steinberg is a 'Tard
That's Leigh Steinberg and he is a 'tard. That's right. Sure, it's the headline, but it's worth repeating.
And I'm sorry if that offends 'tards to be lumped into the same class as an agent but, as mentioned a couple of days ago in the NYT's soccer blog (and alluded to below), the agent thinks the world's most popular sport needs to be tinkered with in order for it to appeal to Americans. Quoth the moron:
"The fact is, I think, that soccer doesn’t fit the taste of the American sports fan, who likes a finite chance of success or failure on every play,” Steinberg said. “It doesn’t have the type of pacing, like a lot of scoring. There is continuous play without scoring and the game is not susceptible to commercial breaks. Americans like fast burst of action and scoring."
I'm going to translate "not susceptible to commercial breaks" as "even if it did become wildly popular, it still wouldn't be able to maximize revenue streams from advertisers because it doesn't have definite commercial breaks, and by leaving all that money on the table, it would negatively impact player salaries and with it any commission I would draw, which is irrelevant because I don't even rep any soccer players."
You know of all the criticisms of why soccer hasn't taken off in this country, the one I never considered was there was no sequence of play that went 'score to commerical to change-of-possesion to commercial' to really draw a viewer in. Yeah, that continuous play shit sucks total ass. Too bad only 300 million people have that figured out.
But that's not even the best part.
“And yes, you can build on David Beckham as a star. But again, to really succeed, just let us tinker. Blow up the scoring. The game can be exciting. I just love that soccer announcer we have out here, the one who goes ‘Goooooooooooooooooal.’ It’s hilarious and exciting.”
I'll ignore the subtle racist overtones in his opinions of Andres Cantor and instead just focus on the scoring aspects.
Okay, if scoring is what draws viewers, then why do the ratings for the Pro Bowl suck relative to even the most mind-numbingly unwatchable late season tilt between, say, the Texans and the Fins?
In fact, what's known as "The Greatest Game Ever Played," the 1958 NFL championship game between the Baltimore Colts and the New York Giants, had a final score of 23-17. The Colts' winning score came in overtime, so there was no extra point. That means if you throw out the two field goals (which, yes is arbitrary, but there really is no soccer analog) then that final score was the equivalent of a 3-2 soccer match.
That's it. So the Greatest Game Ever Played more or less ended 3-2, oh and that's with an extra 8 minutes of clock time.
And, if I can get a little personal, maybe the greatest baseball game I ever saw ended 1-0 in extra innings. That was Game 7 of the 1991 World Series between the Twins and the Braves. And it was an insane pitcher's duel between John Smoltz and Jack Morris.
Nine innings. Zero runs. And it was fucking riveting stuff. I still get pissed at Kent Hrbek just thinking about that Series.
Anyway, Steinberg gets summarily trashed in the blog post's comments and rightfully so because his comments are fucking idiotic. But can we maybe use his absolute dumbassedness as a catalyst to start to put to bed this whole notion that scoring equals excitement?
Lots of scoring usually just means shitty defense. Just ask Derby County, or the L.A. Galaxy for that matter.
Read more on "Leigh Steinberg is a 'Tard"...
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