Tom Hicks is a giant, gaping c*nt

At this point, even as a die-hard LFC supporter, I'm extremely fucking tired with the boardroom drama. All the stories and tension are just flat-out boring. I've seen episodes of Degrassi Junior High with more excitement and emotion than this one. Well, not "seen" episodes, more like heard of. Yeah, a friend told me about them. I'll go with that.

However, if there's one way to fire me right back up, it's to threaten to take our Torres away.

From the Times [I'm crying as I cut-and-paste this]:

"The Times has learnt that Liverpool borrowed the money to sign Torres, the Spain forward who has scored 30 goals this season and has already become a firm favourite on the Kop, from Atlético Madrid last summer. The club then refinanced that debt on January 25, at the same time as they secured a £350 million refinancing package.

Liverpool entered into an 18-month loan agreement with interest of 9 per cent — £2.8 million a year — with a letter of credit to pay back the £31.5 million at the end of the period.

Should Liverpool be unable to pay back or refinance the loan, banks could force the sale of Torres and Babel, who was also included in the smaller refinancing package.

It is unusual for Barclays Premier League clubs to buy players in this way. Deals are normally funded using television income. Liverpool have to pay £30 million a year in interest payments on the £350 million loan, the terms of which end in July 2009. There was no official comment from the club last night."

I mean, for fuck's sake. What will happen next? Anfield was built on a Roman burial ground?

All sensationalism aside, this is absolutely fucking unacceptable. If ever we needed further proof of the cowboy wheelin' and dealin' ways of our obese Texan overlord, here it is! He swans into Anfield 18 months ago, wide-faced and bright-eyed, promising us the world with his talk. And now, in-between stories of him trying to push his detractors out of the giant, life-sized pram he lives in, we get revelations like this.

I mean honestly. Our best striker since the young Michael Owen, and we might lose him because Hicks had to fucking borrow money to pay for him??????!?!?!? How much money did that cunt invest in the first place? Oh, that's right. He borrowed almost all of it.

While the MLB is an entirely different beast, Bud "Inept" Selig is on to something when he puts prospective owners through a series of rigorous tests and checks before letting the existing owners vote and decide as to whether to approve the sale.

By contrast, the EPL [suck it, Barclays] is a lawless frontier town by comparison, with conglomerate, Russian oil merchants and feckless idiots lining up for miles around to get them a juicy piece of the global soccer pie.

Hicks is one of these feckless idiots.

If I find out he took out a mortgage or something on our stadium to fund his son's Ivy League college bills, I swear to fucking Christ, I'm gonna gut the bastard.*

And so, Tom Hicks, I will close this delightful post with a soft message to you, the architect of so many of our recent troubles [scratch that, ALL of our recent troubles]:

Tom, if you're out there, please, fuck the fuck off. Go back to Houston and diddle yourself with ballpark franks. Please stop running a much-beloved team into the ground because your own insecurity dictates that you have to act like a petulant 14-year-old. Buy Noggin. Buy some shares in Google. Whatever you choose to do with your money, I don't care. Construct a scale model of an aircraft using lunch meat. Buy the Harlem Globetrotters. Go out and get the world's most expensive handjob. I don't care. Just stop ruining something I really, really, really, really, really care about.

* Not really. Please don't come looking for me, FBI. This is tongue-in-cheek. I'm not threatening anyone's life.