Wednesday, May 6, 2009

CL Open Thread: Barcelona v. Chelsea


Oh Oh Leoooo-OHHH! And whoever's in Barca's central defense! OH!


When Luis Enrique speaks [in metaphorical terms about football and sexual ecstasy], people listen. He's promised the world a display of "Orgasmic" footy from his Barca squad (he coaches the reserves) today at The Bridge. Is it Delusions of Pleasure... or a top line to the magic the Catalans have in store today for Chelski and the world? Present party is hoping Leo and Sammy spray Cech wet with attacking grandeur, but the more reasonable sorts among us (looking... looking... they're here, I swear) have a feeling it won't cum quite so easy. Chelsea have a way of toughening up in these spots.

So here we are, just 15 minutes to kick. It's 0-0 after the first leg at the Nou Camp. A win or goal-scoring draw puts Barca through. Chelsea need to win to book their title rematch with United. And then there's always the possibility of PKs after another impotent, scoreless draw. We go flaccid at the thought.

Lineups después del salto!


First-- Michael Ballack, Nicholas Anelka, Alex, Dani Alves and Sergio Busquets are all on Darren Fletcher Alert-- one yellow and OUT for the final.

Second-- Questions! Will Thierry Henry man up and play? (Answer: NON) Who will play center back for injury and suspension-ridden Barcelona? Rafa Marquez is out with that knee injury (is it no longer even a chuckle-worthy irony that the most dangerous place on the pitch for a footballer is that spot five yards clear of other players and the ball?) and Captain Carles Puyol misses out after collecting one too many yella cards. It'll probably be Gerry Pique and Eric Abidal/Yaya Toure. (Answer: TOURE) That's my wild guess at 1.45 pm et. By the time you see this there will be an actual lineup right below...

right here...

So it goes:

For Chelsea--

Cech

Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Cole

Essien, Ballack, Lampard, Malouda

Anelka, Drogba

Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Mikel, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne, Di Santo


For visiting Barcelona--

Valdes

Alves, Abidal, Pique, Toure

Busquets, Keita, Xavi, Iniesta

Eto'o, Messi

Subs: Pinto, Caceres, Gudjohnsen, Bojan Krkic, Sylvinho, Alex Hleb, Pedro


Already y'all, we are off in a just a few minutes. Let's hope for a nut-busting second leg. (You promised, Luis!)


269 comments:

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Teeknuts said...

Countdown to no more Tommy Smyth: 2 games

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Orgasmic football? I want what he's having.

Goat said...

I just noticed that the women in the Champions League Choir in the Heineken commercials are wearing Champions League dresses. I'm going to make my wife get one of those. Off to get the kid. Hopefully I'll see some of the first half.

Mike Georger said...

ESPN still has it next year right?

These CHAAAAAMPIOONNSSS commercials are killing me.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Okay, open threaders, it's moral dilemma time. At home, Chelsea-Barcelona is DVRing, which I will watch with Mrs. Haaskivi at 8:00 tonight with some awesome grilled cheese from a new restaurant we found out about. Kids asleep, just me, her, sandwiches, and soccer.

However...I'm bored as fuck at work right now and could totally watch the game. Should I...

a) Abstain now to be surprised later?
b) Watch now and pretend to not know what happens, knowing that if Chelsea wins 5-0 that I'll have to sit through every agonizing goal?
c) Watch now and tell her it sucked if Chelsea wins (like I did yesterday)?
d) Something I haven't thought of yet. You have seven minutes.

JT said...

Magnakai:

you have to watch now and feign surprise later. What else will you do with yourself until 8pm?

Mike Georger said...

That kid is as tall as Messi.

The Likely Lad said...

there's a new restaurant and you love it for the grilled cheese sandwiches? what the fuck...

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

I can occupy myself with World Soccer Manager until later. I really just have to make it until 5:00, when I leave work and have children duties while my wife is on the wrong end of parent-teacher conferences.

And I love the CL dresses. WorldSoccerShop.com needs to carry those.

Teeknuts said...

You're not dissing grilled cheese, are you?

Mike Georger said...

Is it Chuck E. Cheese?

The NY Kid said...

I would kill a man for a good grilled cheese sammich

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

@LL: That's all they make. ;-)

http://www.meltbarandgrilled.com/

The Likely Lad said...

@teek not at all. but generally, you'd agree, grilled cheese are a diy pleasure.

Mike Georger said...

A frog killing for cheese eh? Shocking.

The NY Kid said...

that's it! Georger's out for Baltimore

Mike Georger said...

That's fine, with you gone Paris will no doubt be ripe for the conquering.

What the hell was that Didier?

Teeknuts said...

@mg That menu is ridiculous.

Mike Georger said...

no, no NO they are NOT coaches, they're managers. Coaches are the assistants.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Fuck it, I'm watching.

JT said...

yeah, Melt Bar needs to franchise to Manhattan.

Mike Georger said...

NERVY

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

@Teek: I love the picture of the guy eating the sandwich at the beginning.

Mike Georger said...

Swashbuckling? No.

The Fan's Attic said...

better not eat too many of those, you'll end up a Lampard.

The NY Kid said...

@Mags - now we all know where you live. I'll be there for dinner

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Wait, my streams aren't working. Don't make me go to ESPN, fuckers!

Mike Georger said...

Two outstandingly Zendenesque crosses by Alves thus far.

Mike Georger said...

holy shit

Teeknuts said...

Wow, that was a hell of a shot by Essien.

The NY Kid said...

this Michael Essien chap, maybe we should look into him

Precious Roy said...

Jesus...

Teeknuts said...

Ok, now quit fucking around Barca.

The Likely Lad said...

shit. no pks at least. but really, shit.

Sarah said...

Ugh.

Precious Roy said...

I give him 99 more cracks at that and I bet he'd miss all 99, but wow...

Steve said...

wow what a strike.

Mike Georger said...

Short corners? Really Barca?

The Fan's Attic said...

Essien - 1
Xavi - 0

TFA is prescient so far.

The NY Kid said...

still doesn't change anything for Barca. 1 goal and they are through

Mike Georger said...

I don't think Derek Rae knows what 'theoretical' means.

Precious Roy said...

Well, it changes how the game is played as now we are treated to 85 more minutes of Chelsea reprising last week.

Mike Georger said...

Wait that was Toure's fault?

The NY Kid said...

good point, PR. But from Barca's perspective, they needed to attack for a goal from the get-go, so that mentality stays the same (assuming they never wanted to play for extra time/PKs).

Mike Georger said...

Is that asshole wearing a leather tie?

Teeknuts said...

A Lucas-esque shot by Frankie

Precious Roy said...

Also makes Barca more susceptible to the counter as they are not the most patient side.

The Fan's Attic said...

From Soccernet:

12' And don't forget, Barca went 1-0 down early on against Real on Saturday and we all know what happened next. They pulled Madrid's pants down and spanked them silly.

ü75 said...

OK, I'm watching, but I don;t feel it. Probably not going to comment much, except to say that next year's Tron kit still looks better than the road cone orange Cech is wearing today.

The Likely Lad said...

chelsea have that '89 pistons "last year made us hungrier by a mile than any other team" look about them now. certainly, they can smell it. barca is the magician and chelsea is the raging mongrel with cocked bludgeon (easy fight to handicap, that)

The NY Kid said...

so, Iniesta can't play in any matches during the day, right?

ü75 said...

That was a yard inside the area.

Precious Roy said...

Maybe a foot, but yeah... inside.

Mike Georger said...

Hey ESPN, how about showing a replay where the lines aren't obscured by your stupid fucking ticker

Mike Georger said...

Isn't there some rule where it's the ref's discretion if the foul carries in from outside the area to inside?

Teeknuts said...

Wow, Barca are really riding their luck now

Mike Georger said...

That would be one of the weakest penalties ever. Don't act like the jersey pull rule gets called Tommy, you dick.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

I've yet to find a good stream and ESPN360 is choppy as fuck. I see that Chelsea fucking scored, though, which is making my grilled cheese date less than spectacular. I should quit now and save some surprise for later.

Steve said...

tommy smYth is PISSED.

The Likely Lad said...

Barca's good luck = Valdes good timing

ü75 said...

Possibly, but the real foul was obstruction after the turn of direction, which was obviously in the box.

If Chelsea lose out, they've had at least two penalties not called, by my eye, and I only turned it on as Essien scored. No worries though, I think, this Barca defense is a mess without Puyol and Marquez.

Precious Roy said...

Plus Georger, Drogba was offsides. Just Tivo'd frame-by-frame. Linesman missed the call.

30f said...

Wow,

Rough game for this referee to get. Not saying he is blowing it, just that there are already a bunch of calls (or non-calls) he will be answering questions about for years to come.

Please score Barça, nobody wants to see Chelsea/United again. Please...

Mike Georger said...

How much money does Smyth have on Chelsea? Christ.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

If kickoff was at 2:45, ESPN360 is four minutes behind. That's completely retarded.

Precious Roy said...

All the money SAF pays for fellating him.

ü75 said...

And now, despite my best effort, I'm sucked in. Can't really say I'm pulling for either, just for a good game from all three teams--FCB, CFC and the refs.

Teeknuts said...

I really want to punch Dani Alves in the balls.

ü75 said...

Ha Ha everyone, where are your ESPN360 gods now?

Mike Georger said...

Alves is shitting himself. I guess swashbuckling = stupid fouls and shit crosses?

The NY Kid said...

and Alves is now ineligible for the final

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Alves watches the final at home, just like you and me.

ü75 said...

Someone screencap Fat Frank in that position. I have a feeling that will be useful in future posts.

Mike Georger said...

Great Dr Evil poses from Guus

Mike Georger said...

HOW IS IT A GAMBLE WHEN THEIR PLAYERS ARE HURT AND SUSPENDED? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING WORD MEANS?

ü75 said...

And now for the personal blog moment. There's a tornado warning in my county. Would have been more fitting yesterday, Mother Nature.

Teeknuts said...

Wow, I guess that proves that Tommy Smyth reads UF. I feel so dirty

30f said...

I can't wait for ESPN to lose the CL so I can cut down on the amount of time spent listening to Onion Baggins.

The NY Kid said...

@Teek - what did he say. I am watching without sound so as to not to be fired.

ü75 said...

What was it, Teeknuts? I turned it down listening for the roar of the tornado.

Mike Georger said...

He said the 99 of 100 thing about Essien.

Teeknuts said...

Same comment PR said about missing that shot 99 more times

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Alright, got a feed that's actually on time (provided it is, in fact, the 34:30).

ü75 said...

36.30...now

ü75 said...

Confession time--PR is Tommy Smyth and I hate him.

30f said...

I suspect Onion Baggins is a racial insensitive character played by Ricky DiNuncio from Teaneck, NJ. No one could honestly be this much of a caricature without trying.

Teeknuts said...

Do you hope he dies in his forced retirement?

Mike Georger said...

Smyth hates Messi it seems. I like how people are dumping on Messi for not scoring in this tie yet Ronaldo got a pass for two years of not scoring against a big four side and crapping himself for Portugal.

The NY Kid said...

I don't understand how Messi had time to film the new Terminator movie while La Liga was playing the whole time.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Does Barcelona know I actually bought a shirt of theirs? I own as many Liverpool shirts as I do Barcelona shirts. They need to start earning that.

The Fan's Attic said...

Chelsea playing that well?

Barcelona playing that poorly?

Or combo?

ü75 said...

Some days more than others, but yeah.

30f said...

Barça is NOT trying to catch Chelsea on the hop with the short corner. They almost always take short corners(esp against physically bigger teams). How do I know that and the guy being paid to know the game does not?!?

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Get goalside, Barca.

Mike Georger said...

I blame Unicef for Barca's shortcomings in Europe the past three seasons.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

@30f: You probably don't have a sweetass Derek Rae accent.

Steve said...

malouda looks like a dumbass with that haircut.

Mike Georger said...

Barca are going to win 3-2. Write that shit down.

30f said...

It can't be helpful that Iniesta seems to have Landon Donovan's hairline.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

@Steve: The haircut's incidental.

Mike Georger said...

Malouda looks like the guy with the shrunken head from Beetlegeuse.

Steve said...

you mean he was a dumbass pre-haircut?

point taken.

Mike Georger said...

Simon Adebesi's goal is the difference on this white hot night.

Teeknuts said...

45 minutes closer to the soul-crushing inevitability of a United-Chelsea final.

Precious Roy said...

Wasn't the last time Chelsea played United a boring ass 1-0 United win where, had they played for a month without stopping, Chelski never would have even threatened goal?

There's your CL Final preview.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

You know what sucks? Chelsea played Liverpool four times this year, with a total record of W1 D1 L2, and yet may still go through past them.

Also, I'm not listening to "World Soccer Daily" until after the final if Chelsea goes through.

Precious Roy said...

@MH

No. Shit.

Mike Georger said...

Wait it was one way traffic towards Valdes? Wasn't I just watching a game where Chelsea were parking the bus and countering?

Mike Georger said...

Shaka Hislop, smarter than Tommy Smyth.

Magnakai Haaskivi said...

Maybe Barcelona needs a Gerrard-type figure to bolster their reserve in the locker room.

ü75 said...

Well, that 60-40 Barca possession edge can be deceiving, right?

Teeknuts said...

Come on now, a 10 year old is smarter than Tommy Smyth.

Keith said...

Georger, a bag of onions is smarter than Tommy Smyth

Mike Georger said...

come one guys stop making fun of the defenceless old man :( :(

Keith said...

To be fair to Tommy, though, he's not at the Bridge- he and Rae are in the Bristol Broom Closet. So he is forgiven for only being able to see the feed, and not the whole pitch.

Precious Roy said...

Also to be fair, Smyth is probably exhausted from being up all night trying to steal people's Lucky Charms.

Teeknuts said...

Wouldn't he be defending his Lucky Charms?

WhiteSpeedReceiver said...

Come on, Teek. One Irish stereotype is as good as another.

Precious Roy said...

Alves does know that the goal isn't on the roof of the Bridge, doesn't he?

Mike Georger said...

That's a badass captain's armband.

They've gotta get these Biscuits and Catfood or whoever the hell they are guys off the field.

Teeknuts said...

How long til Drogba starts diving every 5 minutes?

Precious Roy said...

Well, he just went down, so another 4:30...

Mike Georger said...

DROGBA FAIL

ü75 said...

Excellent fail. Anelka actually passes, and Drogba blows a relatively easy chance.

Mike Georger said...

Alves fucking sucks.

Run TMC said...

that stretch for chelsea with anelka up top and drogba on the right almost paid off

Mike Georger said...

WHAT A TACKLE

ü75 said...

A gif of that Drogba penalty whine may rival CR7's from a couple of week's ago.

Mike Georger said...

Is there something where Spanish managers refuse to make subs when people are playing like dick?

ü75 said...

This game either needs another goal, or to hurry up and get to the last ten minutes.

Run TMC said...

did rae really say "us neutrals"

Mike Georger said...

Hey let's continue to run our offense through the guy who keeps hoofing balls into the crowd.

Precious Roy said...

What a fucking disgrace. That ball hit him in the shoulder.

Sarah said...

Drogba sure loves being on the ground.

Mike Georger said...

Shameful shit from Drogba. I keep telling you, they need to get rid of the continuous clock for injuries.

Steve said...

fuck drogba. what a dive.

Mike Georger said...

You've got Bojan and Eidur (who is HUGE) on the bench and are getting close to twenty left without making a sub. Why I would think someone who wears a leather tie knows anything, is beyond me.

ü75 said...

Lionel needs to grow his hair back.

ü75 said...

Red. Book it. Done.

Teeknuts said...

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Mike Georger said...

And the French continue to ruin football.

OH MY GOD WHAT A DIVE

ü75 said...

And it's a fukcing dive. Fuck the French, you hear me NYK?

Sarah said...

What. The. Fuck.

30f said...

Make up call!

ü75 said...

(pay no attention to who got the card)

Mike Georger said...

I mean the way this tie is going, Barca have no chance of beating United anyways, but fuck.

Steve said...

BULLSHIT!!!

Teeknuts said...

What the fuck was that? That was shameful, that was a fucking disgrace.

Precious Roy said...

Straight. Up. Dive.

Fuck.

ü75 said...

Karma Police, injure this man

Steve said...

die drogba die.

Run TMC said...

that was atrocious. and i'm a blues fan

Teeknuts said...

Fuck you Dani Alves.

Mike Georger said...

Nobody who speaks German could be evil.


Don't really think this changes anything, Abidal had been a non factor anyways.

Holy SHIT Alves is terrible at soccer.


Why no subs? Oh because 'Pep' is a fucking moron.

Rich Forsyth said...

just trying to watch a good game since Liverpool isn't in it and the ref just goes and fucks over Barca like that. Odd that it gets overturned 1-3 Even on the espn360 feed you can see there was nothing. utter crap

Steve said...

can i resuscitate the howard webb jokes, pretty please??

phil said...

So Drogba dives and gets someone sent off, but Ballack was allowed to cuntily kick and trip his way through the first leg with nary a card. Bullshit.

The Fan's Attic said...

If Chelsea goes through, I actually want them to have all of their players for the match, just like United (save for Fletcher).

Precious Roy said...

Phil, it was Anelka that took the dive.

Precious Roy said...

There has to be a make-up call coming. Who is on a YC for Spartak?

Mike Georger said...

Essien, still dirty as hell.

phil said...

Oops. I just have this habit of typing "Drogba" before "dive" because the two words are so often associated.

phil said...

Belletti on for Drogba.
That sound you hear is the bus being parked in front of the goal.

ü75 said...

Good job, Alex.

Mike Georger said...

Alex out for the final. Oops.

30f said...

No that sound is Platini screaming and stamping his foot, C-Ron style.

ü75 said...

LAst great chance?

Run TMC said...

essien, perhaps dirty as hell. still, is their a player in the world, aside from maybe messi since his age, that you'd prefer to build a team around

Steve said...

see that should be a red for alex, by these standards.

Mike Georger said...

God the French are revolting.

Still can't get why there are no subs for Barca when their attack is doing fuck all. Fire Pep.

30f said...

As much as I want Chelsea to go away, they have made Messi disappear. Takes some doing, that.

The Fan's Attic said...

i've said it before and i'll say it again in the future, and i will say it now, if essien weren't playing for chelsea he would without a doubt be one of my absolute favorite players in the world. right now he still makes the top 10.

he remains the sole footballer i that has ever made my dreams. somehow i knew him in high school and played a pickup game with him. weird.

phil said...

Anelka tries it again. What a bastard.

Mike Georger said...

yeah .... that's a pk

ü75 said...

If I was a Chelsea fan, I'd be very worried about the no calls now. No room for error.

YNBA (artist formerly known as Herringbone) said...

This match is just plain weird...I am watching it and I still think that Chelsea is going to lose...

I am just waiting for a 'Brave' John Terry mishap to occur. We've already had the Drogba dives..which are commonplace for Chelsea Champions League match

Run TMC said...

i hate that tommy smyth is pulling for chelsea.

i root for chelsea because my uncle liked them. i'm wearing an essien jersey because hes the man

phil said...

Obvious handball.

30f said...

I posted this in the first half. Still seems to apply now:

Wow,

Rough game for this referee to get. Not saying he is blowing it, just that there are already a bunch of calls (or non-calls) he will be answering questions about for years to come.

Please score Barça, nobody wants to see Chelsea/United again. Please...

Steve said...

they must play a different sort of football in norway.


also, ca. 7 minutes until i have to eat my words from last week regarding barca's inevitable goals...

EbullientFatalist said...

Well, this is a disappointing scoreline.

Mike Georger said...

Messi fall down go boom!

ü75 said...

Sorry, but there is no way he can give that now, Messi.

Mike Georger said...

Christ, Pep should be fired for THAT.

Precious Roy said...

I hate football.

Teeknuts said...

Once again, Fuck Dani Alves

Steve said...

tommy smYth is pissed that Pep would dare talk to Guus during the game.

Mike Georger said...

Look at the Barca players laughing on the bench. I just can't take La Liga seriously.

EbullientFatalist said...

So, should we have an anti-CL final liveblog?

Mike Georger said...

How is Lampard in the stands and on the field at the same time?

EbullientFatalist said...

Barcelona look all outta sorts. They look like Arsenal.

On a good night.

Precious Roy said...

Maybe there is a Meredith Baxter Birney movie on Lifetime opposite the CL final we can liveblog.

ü75 said...

Full credit must be given. Barca have been shut down without a sniff tonight.

Teeknuts said...

HOLY SHIT FUCK YOU CHELSEA

Mike Georger said...

NOSFERATU

EbullientFatalist said...

XAVI XAVI XAVI

Precious Roy said...

FUCK YES!!!!

Sarah said...

GOL GOL GOL GOL!!!

ü75 said...

VAMPIRE, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

Sorry, Auto.

30f said...

YAYYYY. Way to go Spanish Landycakes!!!!

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