Champions League Liveblog: Ashtray Floors, Dirty Clothes, And Filthy Jokes

Yeah, I can't hardly wait either. But we're inside of an hour to the start of the round of 16 for the Champions League.

Did you think we wouldn't liveblog at least one of the matches?

Inter v. United. Line-ups in a bit. Liveblog at kick.

Taking one for the team here. Every time I go to watch Arsenal at Fearon's they lose or draw (the FA Cup win over Cardiff being the exception that proves the rule). So I will watch the Special One and the Satanic One.

Outside of the Euro and the World Cup, the next two days might be the best in football.

Line-Ups

Inter Milan: Julio Cesar, Maicon, Rivas, Chivu, Santon, Zanetti, Cambiasso, Muntari, Stankovic, Ibrahimovic, Adriano.

Subs: Toldo, Cordoba, Maxwell, Figo, Cruz, Burdisso, Balotelli.

Man Utd: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra, Fletcher, Carrick, Giggs, Park, Berbatov, Ronaldo.

Subs: Foster, Rooney, Nani, Scholes, Fabio Da Silva, Gibson, Tevez.

So, of note: Evans and O'Shea are playing. Rooney and Tevez are bench subs.


"You're looking live at the San Siro in Milan, Italy..." Okay, no Musberger but we have live pictures on ESPN2. And they aren't in HD? What the fuck ESPN?

They do a montage with some of the weeniest skinny techno music ever. Apparently ESPN assigns all of its gay interns to soccer.

I'll say it: Zlantan Ibrahimovic is one unattractive man.

ESPN is importing commercials from FSC. They are trying to sell me a Snuggie. O/U on how many Proactive spots they run?

Highlights of Porto under Mourinho beating United. Ha ha, eat shit Sir Alex.

T-minus 5 minutes: I am so excited. I just can't hide it. I think I want the Champions League theme played at my wedding. Any surprise I'm not close to being married?

T-minus 3 minutes: Could they find dorkier looking kids to accompany the players?

Dear Zlatan: When I'm upside down on my mortgage, can I live under your nose? Thanks, Precious Roy.

T-minus 1 minute: Oh my God. Kick already. And then somebody on United get hurt already.

KICK: And we're off...

And someone decided to call me right at kick. Uh, sorry. Not answering.

2nd minute: Sloppy possession by Inter, by United picks it up and counters. Ronaldo is booed severely on his first touch. Then gets a free kick.

3rd minute: From about 25 out. Ronaldo with a rocket but right into Julio Cesar's arms. Game on.

4th minute: O'Shea with a gift to Adriano near the edge of the box, but he can't make anything of it. And they give it back to United.

5th minute: United very patient and deliberate in any build up. Evra earns a corner off a good Zanetti tackle.

6th minute: HOLY SHIT. That was a rocket header from Ronaldo off the corner by Giggs. Julio Cesar with an unreal save from point blank range. Awesome stuff early.

7th minute: Inter chasing the game a bit as United are keeping possession fairly easily. Rivas on Park gives United another free kick from about 30 out. Ronaldo takes it... Just wide. Forces a dive from Cesar but it curves about 2 feet wide. United with the chances early.

9th minute: Now Inter... At the edge of the United box. Ball goes to the right and Stankovic puts it into row DD. Oops.

And my picture flickers. Don't fuck this up ESPN.

11th minute: Stankovic again sends one in to low orbit. Just an awfful toe punch.

12th minute: United easily the more composed side. Inter look tentative on even the shortest of passes. They've had one good sting of passes around the box. United with a throw deep in Inter's half.

14th minute: Zanetti takes Carrick down just outside the 18...

Gigss takes it. And knocks it off the wall. Inter are giving United all kinds of chances from set pieces.

15th minute: Poor communication from Maicon and Ibra and Inter waste another trip to the outside of the United box. Inter look like crap.

17th minute: Inter almost slowing things down. But United counter and Berbs almost hits Park with a clever flick through. Cesar picks it up and the threat is over.

18th minute: Ack! Adriano collections a sky ball and feeds it back to Zanetti who again allows Van Der Sar to tend goal while touching himself if he so chooses.

19th minute: Berbs is deep but some nice defensive cover picks it up from Inter and they counter. Adriano collects it turns it up field. The ball gets to Zanetti and again the cross is errant. Good end-to-end for both teams. Nothing comes from it.

21st minute: Fletcher takes down Santon but no whistle. Ronaldo turns it over and Inter are countering, whoops... No they aren't.

22nd minute: And a feed from Ronaldo deflects right into the box and it hits Giggs in the ass. He can't find it or he had an easy goal. Cleared for a corner that falls dangerously in the box. The ball goes back across the box and Evra sends a nice header just wide of the far post. United having the better of it.

24th minute: Ibra gets a long ball and goes 1-on-3. Kicks it in to Evans' shins and it deflects back to midfield. Now United go long. Suddenly it Route 1 from both sides. United with a throw on the Inter third.

26th minute: Do we overrate Serie A this much? Blackburn looked like they posed more questions over the weekend... Oh and Giggs gets in alone. He's got Ceasr lined up and he makes a huge save. Wasted by United.

28th minute: That was horrid defense by Rivas. Just shocking. Giggs had a one-on-one down the left side. They keep Inter on the defensive off the corner. Adriano fails to clear. Ronaldo falls down and He gets the free kick. Shocker.

28th minute: Another beauty free kick and a rocket at that from Ronaldo who forces another great save from Cesar. Oh... and now a header from Ronaldo goes just wide as he had Cesar flat-footed.

30th minute: Someone check Jose's pants and see if he's shat himself yet.

31st minute: Another free kick for United. Their 114th. It is still scoreless. I was joking but before I can even get this posted, Berbs earns another free kick. Ronaldo takes this one from almost the same spot he hit one against Blackburn over the weekend.

32nd minute: And the natives are getting restless. That's lot of whistling from the locals. Ibra offside on a long ball.

34th minute: Inter's best chance yet. Muntari gets deep but his feed for Adriano goes long to the back post and is cleared away by O'Shea.

36th minute: Inter can't get out of their own half or get out of their own way. A nice ball from Ibahimovic with a clever backheel from Stankovic, but there's not enough on it to worry Van der Sar who collects it. That's the first thing he's had to do all day.

38th minute: Ibra almost feeds it to Adriano but O'Shea gets a touch to it and kills what would have been a naked run in on Van der Sar. At least Inter looks like it belongs on the same pitch, but just barely. United on a counter...

39th minute: Ibra with a nifty move to get some space coming out of the corner and he knocks one toward goal. Adriano tries to redirect but it VdS there first.

41st minute: Cesar comes out and jumps high to punch away a ball off the corner. It's a nervy moment and Chivu clears it down the pitch.

43rd minute: You'd never know that United were the ones with the defensive issues entering the match. Rivan and Santon have been iffy. Evans and O'Shea have been solid. Shit call and Toldo gets carded on the bench? Huh? Yep, Toldo carded for talking shit to the ref and know he's having a laugh about it on the bench. Anyway, O'Shea got Muntari in the nuts and they called Muntari for the foul.

45th minute: Santon takes a shot and it's deflected back. Now Maicon gets fouled by Carrick. It's yellow. For Evra? Or Carrick?

HALF. Just one minute of stoppage. Inter lucky to be in a 0-0 match.

Okay, just went to gamecast to check... there was no card on either Evra or Carrick for that challenge on Maicon right before half.

Inter were getting run off the pitch for the first 30, then merely outplayed for the next 15. They gave up about 8 free kick, 6 of which required some good keeping by Julio Cesar. Inter has also made a spectator out of Van der Sar. So, if Jose wants to see the round of 8, he's going to have to do some halftime voodoo so that a different team takes the pitch in second half. A 0-0 draw isn't a disaster for Inter, but this Inter team cannot win at Old Trafford.

Okay, well farting will be interesting for the Inter players as they all now have a second asshole.

Cordoba on Rivas off for Inter.

2nd Half

KICK

46th minute: Muntari wastes no time in giving it away in the United third to undermine and Inter threat early.

47th minute: Now Ibra deep on the left side. He makes a nice little loft pass into the box, but Evans clears. It... Oh, and Adriano misses a sure goal. Ibra let it go by him right to Adriano who knocks it off his own plant foot to send it over the bar.

48th minute: Oh and Adriano goes down on a cross. Rio with a hand on him but no call. Could have gone either way, but of course, no United player ever fouls anyone in the box.

50th minute: Inter already look a different side. Adriano really did have Van der Sar flat-footed and beaten. Then on a good cross from Ibra, Adriano went down in the box. He flooped but Rio had his hand up on his shoulders. Could have been a foul but Adriano's dive didn't help his cause.

51st: Stankovic takes a "Eh, why the not?" low shot from range. It goes wide without troubling Van der Sar. Now United countering... and they hold it up and reverse field. Evra with a good low cross to the feet of Park but it's broken up and cleared.

54th minute: Yep, different Inter team. Crisper. Making better challenges.

55th minuteL United take it down the left side and Park crosses one long and wide. Julio Cesar lets it go for a goal kick.

56th minute: Ibra gets loose alone deep on the left. But O'Shea blocks the cross. Ibra collects the rebound and sends it back in. O'Shea deflects again and it goes for a corner. The corner goes to the far post. On contact between Adriano and Van der Sar, there's a whistle against Inter.

57th minute: Chivu with a two-footer on Berbs who sells it. It was probably a card, but the Bulgarian did his best shot-victim. Yellow for Chivu.

59th minute: Reading the comments, apparently Bendtner is sucking total ass.

Back in Italy, Maicon gets carded. Bullshit. That wasn't a yellow. Just once I'd like to see a match involving United that was ref'ed fairly. IF that was a card, then Evra's tackle was a card.

60th minute: United is starting to look a little gassed. Expect to see Tevez or Rooney in the next 5 miuntes. And Ronaldo goes to the turf and gets a whistle. Fag.

61st minute: An offside Berbs isn't whistled. And he heads it to Park who is guilty of an obvious handball. And there's a whistle. Thanks ref. Not like it wasn't blatant or anything. Inter making United work on defense a little.

63rd minute: And down goes Ronaldo again. This time no whistle. He pouts. Inter give it away and United counter. Park tries to hit Giggs with all kinds of real estate in front of him, but his ball isn't in the same zip code, or Italian equivalent thereof.

65th minute: Cordoba with a nice header back to Cesar to keep Giggs from getting a shot. And back the othe way. Ibra with a cheeky kick shot. And Muntari is tripped. Oh, and no call...? Really? Come on.

66th minute: United.... Should have scored. Ronaldo gets deep and sends one across the naked goal mouth. Park can't get it. Berbs can't get it. And it's finally cleared out for a corner. Just off the foot of two United players. Ronaldo almost created that by himself. Fucker is good. But he's still a diving douche.

68th minute: Ronaldo again, trying to get loose on the right. He's shielded by Santon and he pushes the youngster down and falls with him. Ha ha. Card his ass, ref. Nope. Just a whistle.

69th minute: Maicon wastes a free kick from about 30 meters out. He swings it wide and high and never bothers Van der Sar. Back the other way... Header flicked to Giggs on the right goes long and out of bounds. Teams swapping the ball at midfield.

71st minute: No liquid football today. Muntari makes a nice move to force a foul from Fletcher. Oooh, and a yellow to boot. Of all the things to draw the first United card, it's that? Not that they've been dirty, but they've certainly had harder challenges. Inter on the attack.

72nd minute: Cambiasso finds Adriano in the box, and against he botches it. That's twice that Ibra has made a nice move to let the ball go through but Adriano couldn't get the ball settled to get a shot off from the edge of the 6.

74th minute: And Cambiasso just stabs it away from Ronaldo. Nice tackle. Inter actually trying to come more up the center of United. They go long to Adriano. Ugh... and Muntari misses two targets in the box. The floater goes easily to Van der Sar.

76th minute: Giggs gets space in front he runs across the box. He fires and it's blocked. Cordoba with a nice block as Giggs had a good look at goal there.

Mutari off Cruz on for Inter.

Adriano off Balotelli on for Inter.

77th minute: Berbatov gets in but Chivu rides him far enough out that by the time Berbs gets it settled his angle is cut off and he pushes it to outside of the net.

79th minute: Cruz botches a give-and-go with Ibrahimovic. Now United walk it back up the pitch. Turnover at the edge of the box. Inter coming back. Game is slowing on both sides as they swap possession.

80th minute: Corner United. Evans fouled Cesar on the in-swinger. Rooney getting instructions from Sir Alex. So he's about to come on...

82nd minute: Maicon with a steal. Evra with a BLATANT hand ball on the edge of the box. No whistle. Ball is cross in... How the fuck did Cambiasso not score that. Ugh... That was a terrible non-call on the Evra handball. It must have been bad as even United apologist Smyth thought it was a handball.

Rooney on Park off for United.

83rd minute: So off a throw deep in the United end Ibra flicked it across the box and it hit Cambiasso in the chest but he couldn't get anything behind it so it was saved by Van der Sar. Best chance for Inter all night. So close that Ibra had already started celebrating. Doh.

85th minute: Long free kick for Inter. Ibra takes it, and it comes off Evans but they give a goal kick to United. Really, that was not a good call.

86th minute: So 0-0 is looking more and more likely...

87th minute: Stankovic gets it deep. And the cross comes in, but it's cleared by O'Shea. Ball comes out and Ronaldo finds the ground to draw a foul on Balotelli. It was a foul.

88th minute: And a yellow for Rooney who came in late and high on Cambiasso. Tommy Smyth is trying to fellate Rooney, but that's a yellow.

89th miunte: Whoa... Awful decision by Cesar to come out and Inter almost gift one to United, but Cordoba gets a great touch to push the ball wide to safety. Or wait, on replay was it Julio Cesar that got the touch?

Three minutes of stoppage.

90 +1: Stankovic from distance. Gets it off but it goes high over the bar. Never a real threat. But Inter still pressing.

90 +2: Rooney with a chip in to the box that floats to Cesar. United back on the attack. And Ronaldo takes a dive on minimal contact and gets a dubious whistle. WTF? A Yellow for Cordoba for that? Okay. Contact was legit on the replay, but that was no card. God, I hate Ronaldo. And the Spanish ref is buying every bit of his histrionics today. So United with a free kick at the death.

90 +3: With the last kick, Ronaldo lasers one right into Julio Cesar. On the rebound the whistle blows. So no second chance for United as it comes off Cesar's chest.

Game. 0-0. So it's all on the line for the return at Old Trafford.

Thanks for playing along.