Friday, January 11, 2008

Who Are: Tottenham Hotspur?

Welcome to a semi-regular feature called "Who Are:" where we introduce you to the EPL (seriously, suck it Barclay's!) teams. Yes, if you're here you probably know them already, but humo(u)r me anyway. Today's edition:


Team Name: Tottenham Hotspur (obviously. What are you, blind?)

Nickname: Spurs; North London Wankers

Grounds: White Hart Lane

Sponsor: Mansion.com (warning: link is NSFW, as visiting a gambling/on-line casino site at work may result in your being fired. UnprofessionalFoul.com takes no responsibility for you getting shit-canned)

Mascot: Cock 'n' balls. What's that? Oh, apparently it's a cockerel on a football.

Coach: Martin Jol. Oops, I mean Juan de la Cruz Ramos Cano (his friends call him Juande Ramos).

Current EPL Standings: 12th place with 24 points.

Most Interesting Statistic: In 91 matches against Arsenal, the tally for Spurs is 24-27-39. HAHA!

Bonus Interesting Statistic: Tottenham has not beaten Arsenal in their last 19 matches in all competitions. Their last win was over 8 years ago - a 2-1 Tottenham victory on November 7, 1999. HAHA!

Players of Note:

(1) Paul Robinson - The England #1 keeper is known for two things - scoring on an 80+ yard free kick, and letting in numerous howlers this season. He may soon be replaced by Jens Lehmann.

(2) Jermaine Jenas - Other than being an asshat for scoring in the Carling Cup tie against Arsenal this week, Jenas is known primarily for his nickname, JJ.

(3) Dimitar Berbatov - Tottenham's most famous player was the Bulgarian Player of the Year in 2002, 2004, and 2005. This is somewhat similar to my run as "Best-Looking Guy My Wife is Married To" in 2004-2008 in terms of difficulty.

(4) Steed Malbranque - Named after a horse.

(5) Robbie Keane - May have taken horse tranquilizers to produce his EPL-leading goal total for this year.

(6) Kevin-Prince Boateng - Does excellent work off the pitch.

(7) Jermaine Defoe - N/A, as the "other Jermaine" was told that he was free to leave Spurs.

(8) Gareth Bale - Youngest ever Wales international selection and Wales international goal-scorer.

(9) Aaron Lennon - Youngest ever EPL selection.

Considering 8 and 9, I do believe that Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson are in charge of transfers for Spurs.


4 comments:

The Fan's Attic said...

They are also the unfortunate team that was tagged as Bill Simmons' EPL team after the world cup.

ΓΌ75 said...

"Best-Looking Guy My Wife is Married To"

HA HA!

PDub said...

Ha! Brilliant!

badly drawn boykins said...

Gareth Bale - A mouth breather, literally.

Aaron Lennon - Eyebrow stylings of Vanilla Ice.