Friday, January 11, 2008

Who Are: Tottenham Hotspur?

Welcome to a semi-regular feature called "Who Are:" where we introduce you to the EPL (seriously, suck it Barclay's!) teams. Yes, if you're here you probably know them already, but humo(u)r me anyway. Today's edition:

Team Name: Tottenham Hotspur (obviously. What are you, blind?)

Nickname: Spurs; North London Wankers

Grounds: White Hart Lane

Sponsor: (warning: link is NSFW, as visiting a gambling/on-line casino site at work may result in your being fired. takes no responsibility for you getting shit-canned)

Mascot: Cock 'n' balls. What's that? Oh, apparently it's a cockerel on a football.

Coach: Martin Jol. Oops, I mean Juan de la Cruz Ramos Cano (his friends call him Juande Ramos).

Current EPL Standings: 12th place with 24 points.

Most Interesting Statistic: In 91 matches against Arsenal, the tally for Spurs is 24-27-39. HAHA!

Bonus Interesting Statistic: Tottenham has not beaten Arsenal in their last 19 matches in all competitions. Their last win was over 8 years ago - a 2-1 Tottenham victory on November 7, 1999. HAHA!

Players of Note:

(1) Paul Robinson - The England #1 keeper is known for two things - scoring on an 80+ yard free kick, and letting in numerous howlers this season. He may soon be replaced by Jens Lehmann.

(2) Jermaine Jenas - Other than being an asshat for scoring in the Carling Cup tie against Arsenal this week, Jenas is known primarily for his nickname, JJ.

(3) Dimitar Berbatov - Tottenham's most famous player was the Bulgarian Player of the Year in 2002, 2004, and 2005. This is somewhat similar to my run as "Best-Looking Guy My Wife is Married To" in 2004-2008 in terms of difficulty.

(4) Steed Malbranque - Named after a horse.

(5) Robbie Keane - May have taken horse tranquilizers to produce his EPL-leading goal total for this year.

(6) Kevin-Prince Boateng - Does excellent work off the pitch.

(7) Jermaine Defoe - N/A, as the "other Jermaine" was told that he was free to leave Spurs.

(8) Gareth Bale - Youngest ever Wales international selection and Wales international goal-scorer.

(9) Aaron Lennon - Youngest ever EPL selection.

Considering 8 and 9, I do believe that Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson are in charge of transfers for Spurs.


The Fan's Attic said...

They are also the unfortunate team that was tagged as Bill Simmons' EPL team after the world cup.

ΓΌ75 said...

"Best-Looking Guy My Wife is Married To"


PDub said...

Ha! Brilliant!

badly drawn boykins said...

Gareth Bale - A mouth breather, literally.

Aaron Lennon - Eyebrow stylings of Vanilla Ice.