Spurs Have Full Summer to Stoke Their Delusional Ways With Alcohol

Who knew that Ledley King would be the catalyst for change at White Hart Lane?

The Spurs center back has caused manager Harry Redknapp to issue a drinking ban for the club:

Footballers should not drink. You shouldn't put diesel in a Ferrari. I know it's hard but they are earning big money, they are role models to kids...

Footballers should dedicate their lives to playing. Managers, however, we can get hammered before we're even out of bed if we want.

Okay, so we embellished that last bit, but 'Arry is serious. How so?

"I'll implement a strong rule next season that drinking is a no-no here," said the Spurs manger.

Wow, that's really laying down the law.

Anyway, this all stems from 'role model' King's recent run in with booze and Johnny Law. King was arrested in the early am hours at a Soho nightclub over the weekend after he used a racial epithet—"a fat Paki fuck"—that sparked a physical altercation with a bouncer.

That was really just the beginning of the fun though. According to cellmates King "cried and sobbed" and "his trousers were down almost to his knees and it was obvious he wet himself." Whoa, whoa. It's bad enough that Spurs pretend to be competitive with their London rivals, but to straight up steal antics from Nick Bendtner, that's crossing a line.

Additionally, witnesses said King both ranted and pleaded with the cops, telling them he earned £83K a week and saying, "Boss man, boss man, I don’t deserve to be here. I’m rich."

Good to see that justice works the same way in Britain as it does in the States.

Anyway, so yeah, no drinky drinky for Spurs next season. At least that's what 'Arry says now. Let's see how it holds up come next season and Spurs begin the season in the relegation zone again. 'Arry might institute mandatory drinking sessions to cope.

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John Mikel Obi John John Obi needs a chauffeur

Poor John Obi Obi John Mikel John Obi. Having been caught back in January for some rather nifty, though horribly illegal, driving under the influence, the Chelsea midfielder appeared in court this morning to get his punishment.


What Obi John's driving might have looked like

Let's just say he'll be spending most of his annual salary on taxis.

Hop to it, Guardian!

District Judge Jeremy Coleman banned him from driving for 15 months and ordered him to pay £1,580 at West London Magistrates' Court. Mikel looked stumped as he was ordered to stop driving.

His solicitor said he would not undertake a drink driving course to shorten the ban because he "would just like to serve it out".

Ouch. Apparently being caught at nearly twice the legal limit (to get technical: 66 micrograms of alcohol in 100 millilitres of air... crazy science) gets you a healthy ban.

So, Mikel is car-less for over a year. Thankfully he works in a city known for his mass transit system, although I'd be careful taking the District Line to work; if you miss your stop at Fulham Broadway, the next one is Parsons Green, and then you're in the heart of Cottagers Country.

They don't take kindly to Nigerian defensive midfielders from Chelsea around those parts.

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Which Step Is It Where You Acknowledge The Problem?

Does he suffer from a case of he wobbly wickets?

Badboy Kiwi Jesse Ryder just might have an issue with alcohol. Perhaps. Maybe. Last winter Ryder severed tendons in his hand when he pulled a Charles Barkley, except he didn't throw somebody through a glass window. Rather, he threw his fist through the window. This January he was also axed from a match after a bit of a bender.

Says Ryder:

“I thought I could control my drinking better but that is obviously not the case.”

It's not limited to the rowdy Kiwi though, as Pakistani punk Shahid Afridi is accused of slapping a fan. That's not exactly tough, it's more Carmelo Anthony-esque, but hey it's not all tea and crumpets.

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You Hear That?... That Was My Skull

Quick quiz (ooh, and it's a video Daily Double):



This ref:

A) Suffers from some sort of palsy.
B) Couldn't get better work after his role as Corky in "Life Goes On."
C) Is totally wasted.
D) All of the above.

Wish it were D, too, huh? I totally want to live in a world where Chris Burke is a soccer ref.*

Anyway, would it help if we told you this happened in the former Soviet Republic of Belarus?

Yep, he's drunk. Or so say the newsreaders in this version of the clip.

The most staggering thing about it (and yes, we're all about bad puns here at UF) is that, from the looks of the players warming up around him, he appears to be reffing an U-13 match. Maybe Arsene slipped him a Mickey at half.

I'm not entirely convinced it's not back pain (or maybe he's just 'tarded... it's okay my first wife was a 'tard, now she's a pilot). Really, who leans that far back when they are schwasted?

Personally, eh, don't see what the big deal is. It's not like anyone would notice a difference in the quality of officiating if most of them were loaded. Plus, let he who wouldn't start pounding a few cold ones at the break if he'd worked 247 Belaussian youth games cast the first stone.

[*Ed Note: Turns out that Burke, according to that IMDB page, is an usher at a Catholic church near his home, which, given the amount of activity in a Catholic mass, makes it in some ways not all that far off from reffing soccer]

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Not Sure This Is What Juande Ramos Had in Mind

Mere hours after Jonathan Woodgate's face won the Carlingtonworthlessleague Cup, Tottenham's players descended upon a London nightclub with predictable yet hilarious results. Juande Ramos, whose exercise regime has brought immediate results to Spurs, seems to have introduced some new drills:

Captain Ledley King exercises his hand muscles

Aaron Lennon practices his "Whut?" expression

Jermaine Jenas is spent after finishing the Ramos workout

More pics and commentary at the Daily Mail.

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Open Letter to the Women of Scotland

Dear Women of Scotland,

I am sorry I screwed up that last minute call against your country's national team. I realize now that I am the cause for your pain on the night of November 17 in 2007. Sorry. I'm the bad guy.

Sincerely,

Manuel Enrique Mejuto Gonzalez


For those that don't know, the above Mr. Gonzalez refereed the Euro 2008 qualifying match between Scotland and Italy. His bizarre foul call below, which overruled his assistant on that side, led to Italy's game winning goal.

Subsequently, as he gave the win to Italy, he must also be blamed for the immediate rise in domestic violence that followed.

It seems that drunken Scots don't take losing too well. This poorly sourced article attributes a one day rise in violence on women in Glasgow to two factors interacting with each other: alcohol and the national team's loss. What it leaves out--mouthy Scottish women. As any good wifebeater will tell you, these women obviously deserved it. They probably sided with the ref, or said Italy deserved to win, or something like that. Yep, it has nothing to do with the record drinking levels recorded in pubs that day.

UF in no way endorses the actions of the day. Wifebeating is bad, m'kay?
Photo from the beeb. But you'd know that if you clicked the link.

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