Monday, May 18, 2009

Relegation: it's full of conspiracies

For all the perceived machismo in soccer (C-Ron not withstanding), it can descend into banter and vicious gossip more in tune with that of the local sewing circle. And with the final EPL weekend of 2008/09 looming on the horizon, the brewing discontent on Tyneside is hard to ignore.

It's also rather hilarious.

Right off the bat, Alan Shearer, he of the bland punditry and blander managerial nous, is pointing fingers in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson and threatening to tell teacher that he's not playing fair.

With United's trophy secured and a more important Champions League final to prepare for, there's every chance that Fergie's side will be rather, ahem, depleted in their final league game against Hull City. Of course, Hull are right there in the dogpile for the drop, and Shearer's not happy that the perma-tanned microphone wearer Phil Brown might have an advantage in the fight for survival.

Of course, we'd be remiss in mentioning that the Magpies have had countless opportunities to climb out of the hole since Alan's arrival, and that Shearer should spend his Monday evening watching hours of Aston Villa game tape instead. One win and 2 draws in his 7 games as Newcastle boss isn't very good, is it?

What we forgot to mention was the "special" relationship between Ferguson and Brown, presumably derived from the latter's constant attempts to rattle Arsenal's cage. Fergie helped Phil get a job at Derby County back in 2005, and the two have enjoyed a friendship for many years. There's also the whisper that SAF still loathes Alan for turning down an offer to play for Man United back in the 90s. Considering the grudge-holding reputation of the drunk Scot, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

As one would expect, Phil is mumbling pleasantries and the usual pre-match jingo about "expecting no favours" and "working hard" and "it won't be easy." On the inside, he knows it will be simple, although given the Tigers' form since October 28th (2 wins and 9 draws in their last 28), they'd have a hard time beating the United U-10s.

Meanwhile, in his high chair at St. James's, Alan wonders whether he'll get any help from his Match of the Day cohort, Martin O'Neill. The prognosis appears grim. Shearer is trying to get Bassong's red card overturned so he can play in the final game (good luck with that, Alan), but other than that, there ain't much sunshine in their future.


EbullientFatalist said...

Shearer is a magician: watch him make Newcastle disappear from the Prem!

/football manager'd

Mosher said...

This thought crossed my mind when the results came through over the weekend as well. And in fairness to Shearer we've not done much worse under him as we were beforehand...

If we go down it's because we're a shit side. That's a simple fact. Personally, I'd prefer to blame the fat cockney bastard that bought us out than Shearer (or even Ferguson, whatever team he puts out next weekend). With a decent team managing the finances and transfers instead of some cheap clothing retailer and Satan's right-and dwarf, all could have been so different.

At least I'll get to see some new grounds next season if we drop. Although it'll likely be a bugger getting any TV/radio coverage of games I can't get to.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Sorry to be so harsh against the Magpies, but really, if your manager is giving more lip service to what United and Hull are doing instead of his own prep, there's something wrong.

After all, the season is 38 games long, and he doesn't have much grounds for griping at what the other teams do. They had their destiny in their own hands, at the end of the day.

Moaning about Game #38 isn't helping their cause.

On the flip side, they'll surely bounce right back up, so there is that to look forward to.

Mosher said...

LB - as I said, if we sink it's because we deserve to based on performance of those 38 games. I'm not arguing.

As for coming right back up again, I honestly don't know. The aforementioned Cockney prick has dumped £250m into us already. We'll have to offload some of the overpaid crap we've got at the moment and try to convince others to join a club with a chequered history on player employment (to put it mildly).

Will fat-boy want to invest *more* money? Or will he offload us to some Asian, American or Middle Eastern conglomerate and cut his losses? At least then we'd have cash to spend... though possibly end up inheriting a lot of debt a la ManU.

If we were to keep Shearer as manager, that may help. Given his history as a player, he may attract some talent. However, he needs to learn more about the managerial position otherwise it'll all be for nothing.

Precious Roy said...

Didn't Newcastle draw AT United to start the season? Oof...

Thought the call on the disallowed goal was marginal. But that and Martins' missed shot to the short side were probably enough to cause a run on razorblades locally.

Mosher said...

Roy, Newcastle *are* United...

Our opening game was a 0-0 draw away at Manchester United (the only non-united United in the football league...), yes. Which gave us all great hope. That didn't last long!

Pass the Wilkinson Swords, there's a good chap.

Precious Roy said...

Ah yes, my provincial (i.e. foreign) top-table bias. At least you knew I wasn't talking about Torquay.