In Scudamore, we don't trust

His nose looks remarkably clean for a man who has his head firmly up his arse

There is still a lot of whinging and moaning about this weekend's EPL slate, and almost all of it revolves around Robbie Keane's vow for revenge at Anfield what kind of team Sir Alex Ferguson will choose to play Hull.

Will he play kids? Will he play the three-headed monster of Ronalrooneyvez? Does anyone outside of Hull and Newcastle even care? (We'll leave out the text promise made by Darren Fletcher to Ricky Sbragia, then)

Thankfully, EPL Chief Richard "Dick" Scudamore has weighed in, having taken five minutes between business luncheons and napping under his mahogany desk to contradict himself.

On one hand, Dicky Scu thinks it's peachy-cool for United to do whatever they wish and play any number of Serbian teenagers in a crucial relegation battle. They've apparently earned their right to do so.

I find this to be a little alarming; the head of the league is condoning such a wilfully destructive approach to a game with massive Colaship implications, and doing so in the carefree, breezy manner that you'd expect from a guy with tons of money and absolutely no perspective whatsoever.

Excuse me, Mr. Shearer? You just got the thumbs down from Emperor Scudamore in the Coliseum of Relegation. Or something equally far-fetched, metaphor-wise.

And then, in a drooling BBC radio interview, he says he fully expects United to field a strong competitive team, thus ensuring a fair and balanced final weekend and no such repeats of the Carlos Tevez/Sheffield United mess that plagued the league a couple of years ago (lest we forget that Fergie ran out his 2nd XI in that crucial game, the one where Carlos scored, the Hammers went apeshit, and Phil Warnock paid his lawyers for a million billable hours in advance).

Of course, 'Arry, a man who's been rather quiet down the stretch (being a mid-table side will do that to you), rolled off his hemorrhoid donut and wolfed down his meat-and-cheese pie in double-quick time so he could pen a column for the Sun saying that everyone should just stop crying and that Newcastle can have no complaints or gripes one way or the other.

Fergie did say he'd play a strong team, so that's something I suppose. But this isn't about United... it's about Scudamore, and that he's a total and complete fucking moron. I realize that the ka-ching of the EPL cash register is loud and all, but take a minute sometimes before you speak. There are three clubs threatened with a grim fate, and your soundbites paint you as an aloof, careless idiot.

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Relegation: it's full of conspiracies

For all the perceived machismo in soccer (C-Ron not withstanding), it can descend into banter and vicious gossip more in tune with that of the local sewing circle. And with the final EPL weekend of 2008/09 looming on the horizon, the brewing discontent on Tyneside is hard to ignore.

It's also rather hilarious.

Right off the bat, Alan Shearer, he of the bland punditry and blander managerial nous, is pointing fingers in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson and threatening to tell teacher that he's not playing fair.

With United's trophy secured and a more important Champions League final to prepare for, there's every chance that Fergie's side will be rather, ahem, depleted in their final league game against Hull City. Of course, Hull are right there in the dogpile for the drop, and Shearer's not happy that the perma-tanned microphone wearer Phil Brown might have an advantage in the fight for survival.

Of course, we'd be remiss in mentioning that the Magpies have had countless opportunities to climb out of the hole since Alan's arrival, and that Shearer should spend his Monday evening watching hours of Aston Villa game tape instead. One win and 2 draws in his 7 games as Newcastle boss isn't very good, is it?

What we forgot to mention was the "special" relationship between Ferguson and Brown, presumably derived from the latter's constant attempts to rattle Arsenal's cage. Fergie helped Phil get a job at Derby County back in 2005, and the two have enjoyed a friendship for many years. There's also the whisper that SAF still loathes Alan for turning down an offer to play for Man United back in the 90s. Considering the grudge-holding reputation of the drunk Scot, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

As one would expect, Phil is mumbling pleasantries and the usual pre-match jingo about "expecting no favours" and "working hard" and "it won't be easy." On the inside, he knows it will be simple, although given the Tigers' form since October 28th (2 wins and 9 draws in their last 28), they'd have a hard time beating the United U-10s.

Meanwhile, in his high chair at St. James's, Alan wonders whether he'll get any help from his Match of the Day cohort, Martin O'Neill. The prognosis appears grim. Shearer is trying to get Bassong's red card overturned so he can play in the final game (good luck with that, Alan), but other than that, there ain't much sunshine in their future.

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Those Mad Hatters: ZERO Baby Yeah!

Luton Town. You had forgotten all about them hadn't you? Condemned to the inevitable fate of non-league football after a 30 point deduction from the FA. The once former top-flight team had left your thoughts. Well they ain't dead yet!

They started on -30, but this week, Luton Town FC are on zero points. Zip!

They currently sit 14 points from safety but after zapping those deducted points they actually have a chance! If Luton's season has started with zero points they would be 13th now. Mick Harford has done a super job on a shoestring but....How big is the task at hand?

The Hatters have played 24 games and taken 1.25 points a game thus far. 22 games remain with a total of 66 up for grabs. They can do it people. Grimsby are in reach, well...14 points away, but when you have gone from -30 to zip, whats another 14 to chase eh?

Here at UF we are quite romantic when it comes to these things, so we will be keeping a close eye on those Hatters. Even if it is a squint, we are watching and praying that the hapless fans of Luton get a break and see their side stay in the Football League. Click here for the League Two table and here for Luton Town's fixtures.

Stay tuned.

-Bigus

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