The Special One Scores A Special Goal

Via 101 Great Goals. Enjoy.

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Quick Throw: Mourinho continues to burn Serie A bridges

The Special One should now be known as The Consistent One, because nary a Serie A weekend passes without some good old-fashioned slander.

This time, Jose voiced his belief that while he picks the Inter XI every week, his rivals let the stronger-willed club presidents deal with team sheets. And to the shock and dismay of no-one, his coaching rivals are fighting back.

At what point with the overtime costs incurred by Inter's PR department become greater than the severance package they'd need to give Mourinho? Surely not much longer until that happens....

[Guardian Sport]

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Quick Throw: Jose looks for a way out

From the Sun (now 100% hyperbole!), we learn that the pressure on Mourinho is now so great, especially since they lost to United on Wednesday, that he's on the verge of quitting. He might well end up back in the EPL.

On a scale of 1-10, how awesome would that be?

[The Sun]

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Special Punch

Does this man look violent to you? Oh, wait.

I can understand if Jose Mourinho was a little miffed yesterday evening. After all, he had just watched his Internazionale Milan side lose 2-0 to Manchester United and drop out of the Champions League competition. Although he was gracious in defeat, both in his meeting with Sir Alex on the touchline and at his press conference, perhaps The Special One had something seething inside him that just needed to come out?

When that anger came out, was it directed at Zlatan Ibrahimovic or Adriano, both of whom hit the post? Or was it at Julio Cesar for "letting" in 2 goals? Or was it at Patrick Vieira, the once-feared patroller of Highbury, for being such a disappointment during the match that he was replaced with Sulley Muntari?

No, it appears that Mourinho vented his anger on one of the numerous Manc supporters who had made his day at Old Trafford completely miserable. Apparently this lovable bloke decided to wait outside near the Inter bus and serenade Jose with chants of "You're going home." Unsurprisingly, Jose was not pleased. Surprisingly, he did something about it, allegedly punching the man in the face. The Red Devils supporter went to the nearest police station and filed a complaint, and now the Greater Manchester Police have asked Man United for CCTV footage of the area in an attempt to clarify what happened.

Manchester United have confirmed that they aware of the allegation and are working with the police to provide them with the footage. Naturally, Inter have denied any wrongdoing on the part of Mourinho. There is no word from Jose's momma on whether he had a tough time keeping his hands to himself as a child.

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Caption Competition: When Jose met Phil

The Daily Mail, despite being largely rubbish, has done well with this scoop showing Jose Mourinho meeting with Phil Neville and a "friend" (I'm guessing it's a translator... for Phil, not TSO) in a Manchester hotel last night.

It obviously wasn't a menage a trois, but what exactly was it?

The best way to figure it out is a good ol' caption competition... well, more of a dialog competition. What are these two talking about?

Give us your best efforts and win yourself a guest post, and maybe a soccer book or two if I can find some that haven't been mercilessly cliff-noted and underlined.

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UF POWER POLL - March 3, 2009

Looks like our animation here is something of a poison chalice... at least Barca is still in The Ten

After a 21-moon hiatus, the UF Power Poll returns today with some big changes and one glaring, red-faced constant. The worst we can say about Manchester United? They have conceded A GOAL (but not with van der Saar playing) and they did fail to do off with Spurs in 120 minutes (they waited to KICK ARSE in the shoot-out.) If they've suffered at all, it's by NOT notching that "precious away goal" at the San Siro. But we all knew this would be a tricky fixture. In theory, Jose and Co. have a decent chance at this. In theory. In practice, as much as soooome of us (self-included) can't stand it, Man U will probably win 2-0 at Old Trafford.

And what of Barca? Pep had sailed a near perfect course until the middle of February, but can he right the ship now? It's easy to dominate in the fall and winter, less so to recover as spring arrives. And then, before we get down to it, there's a certain well-known club from central Spain. They are called Real Madrid and they are led by one of the foremost managers in world football: Juande F#$%ckin' Ramos.

Dios Mio.

Here's the list-- with your Facebook votes lumped in!



1) Manchester United - 1.2 (last poll: 2nd place, 1.67 avg)

The Carling Cup winners tighten their death-grip on the top spot mostly thanks to Barca's freefall. It really wasn't a great two weeks by SAF's outsize standards. Like we mentioned, they should be expected to come through home to Inter, but would you be shocked if Mourinho snuck in there and managed a 1-1 (thus, sending the Mancs out on away goals)?? If Zlatan wants to stick it to his legion of English detractors, I believe this may be the time.


2) Real Madrid - 2.8 (4th, 4.00)

Probably the form club in European league play right now... maybe the best team on the continent if not for that Liverpool disaster. (It was an unlucky draw for Real, as Liverpool is probably the best team in Spain. Lingering should start a petition to move Los Rojos to La Liga. Surely they'd win a title there before the Premier League.) Still, the winning streak in the league is impressive, as is the way they're doing it. Ramos plays a style that might not win Europe, but is sure to make him a favorite at the Bernabeu. How man 6-0s did Don Capello manage during his title run?


3) Inter Milan - 2.9 (3rd, 3.67)

Draws with Torino and Roma in Italy have got to be frustrating, but would anyone like to bet on Juventus to overtake them? Think not. Another (real) Scudetto is in the offing and now it's all about the Champions League. Denying Man U that road goal was huuuuuge, obviously, and one can only imagine what Mourinho is cooking up for the trip north. His office is probably looking like the scene from A Beautiful Mind with Russel Crowe going apesh*t with the maps and magazine covers. Here's my hint, don't let Ronaldo alone with your left back.


4) Barcelona - 3.4 (1st, 1.33)

We're a fickle group over here-- the Facebook crew was more steady, placing these guys Second-- dropping the two-time leaders all the way down to the fourth slot. As we mentioned in the intro, Barcelona are in their first bad streak since Pep took over, so it remains to be seen if the mister can deal with a spot of failure. If they escape this Lyon mess, we'll still be rooting for that Barca - Man U final.


5) Juventus - 7.1 (unranked)

Juventus head up our Best of the Rest list. The latest challenger to Inter's reign of dominance in Serie A, they've had some...uhh... good luck (sound familiar?), but have also been fairly consistent in not losing. Though they did just that against Chelsea last week...

Wait, what are these guys doing so high up? I think we've been compromised. Someone here's on the take.


6) Hertha Berlin - 7.2 (unranked)

Oh, those wild and wacky Germans. Once again, this is the most competitive of the "big leagues" in Europe. Hertha are the newest leaders, overtaking UF men-crush Hoffenheim, Bayern Munich, Hamburg, etc... Led on the scoring sheet by Anfield Legend Andriy Voronin (7), with another win Hertha will exceed their point total from any of the past three seasons. Again, their inclusion is indicative of how sheisty the situation is after the Big Four.


7) Chelsea - 7.4 (unranked)

Sprechen die "Big Four," have Chelsea double-Dutched themselves back into League and European contention? Their season has gone from a Dutch Oven to a Bong and Blintz, Scmoke and a Pancake, in just a few weeks. Whether it's Guus, The New Manager Effect, or Drogba (the latter being the true path back to old glories), Chelsea have been solid of late, in that same unimpressive but dependable way to which we'd all grown so painfully accustomed. The real drama at Stamford Bridge has to be over Hiddink's future. Some rumblings about that he'd stay and offer up the Russkies to buddy Dick Advocaat. In the end, it's all up to Roman, of course. He may be out a bit of money, but the trigger-men are still on salary, so what the Boss says still goes.

8) Olympique Lyonnais - 8.0 (unranked)

How happy are Lyon supporters to know that Fred is finally out of town? (If you're there, Lyon fans, pray tell.) He was a significant part of their incredible run, but really, it's enough. Back to the football-- they were shockingly good against an admittedly struggling Barca side. Still, Barca is Barca and with Benzema in the attack, anything is possible. Including a long sought-after trip to the CL quarterfinals.

Yea, and they're going win in France, again-again-again-again-again-again-again. (The only way they don't is by knocking off Barcelona and losing focus on the league. Something I doubt would upset our Lyon fan. Où êtes-vous?)


9) AZ Alkmaar - 8.1 (unranked)

These dutch bastards just. will. not. lose. After dropping the first two, AZ have gone unbeaten for the better part of six months. And they're doing it with clean sheets and a bit of style. We also thank them for dispatching of any "Look, Steve McCLaren is about to lead Twente to the Dutch title" stories. That would've been bad for everyone... English fans and the people who care about them... the proud history of Dutch Football (David Winner would've crawled into a kiln)... so on...

10) Liverpool - 11.7 (5th, 5.78)

Not much to say here that hasn't already been said. Back to their old tricks. Had a little flirt with the Premier League, then remembered they are not, in fact, an English football team. Hey, I'd love for Spurs to have their problems... but not that manager. Rafa has a fantastic record, no debate, but they will never win the Premier League with him. See: article from yesterday's Guardianas proof.

Per Autoglass: stammering in mock shock-- "This is remarkable. Umm, an injured striker? Who could plan for such a scenario? Why, one might have to keep an extra proven striker around just in case..."

Dropped - Aston Villa, TSG Hoffenheim, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, AS Roma

In the mix - FC Porto, PSG, Celtic

Not in the mix- Arsenal (no votes)

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Jose it aint so?

Just last week I had to take Mike Ashley to task for being a ridiculous moron. He had breached the rules of common sense in claiming that Joe Kinnear was a better manager than Fabio Capello. Well it's not just Ashley who seems to be suffering with this new disease, stupid-itus, oh no, the latest outbreak has been tracked down to Italy and one Jose Mourinho.

The special one and current Inter Milan boss is claiming that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is better than Ronaldo. Now those who know me can attest to the fact there is no love in my locker for a diving cheating prima donna who sent me into a wild rage during the World Cup 3 years ago.

In fact, it took my wife about a month before she could prize the Christiano Ronaldo Voodoo doll from my fingers. But this statement is just ridiculous. Ibrahimovic is having a great season and scoring good goals but to compare him to THE best player in the World is just nonsense.

We all know that players reach their best at around 27 and Ibrahimovic is no different. Just have a look at Gareth Barry, but truly great players just get better and have the talent on display at a much younger age. Torres, Rooney, Kaka, Ronaldinho and Ronaldo. To declare that a player is better than Ronaldo at 27 after a somewhat decent but un-inspiring 9 years in football is just daft.

Even Darren bent can have a good season or two.

Jose Mourinho is a smart man, and I cannot believe he means what he says. Likely he is trying to play mind games ahead of Inter's two-part battle with United in the Champions League, but should this really be a case of stupid-itus, lets compare the two and restore some common sense to the World.



Zlatan Inrahimovic. Age 27. Club: Inter Milan.

This season. 11 goals in 22 appearances. 6 assists.
Last season. 22 goals in 29 appearances. 9 assists.
06/07 season. 15 goals in 33 appearances. 5 assists.
Last 3 years for Sweden. 13 appearances. 2 goals. 1 assist.
--
Last 3 seasons, club and Country: 97 appearances. 50 goals.

Honors

2 Serie A titles. 2 Eredivisie tiles. 2 Italian Super Cups.
2005 Serie A footballer of the year.
3 Swedish footballer of the year awards.
UEFA team of the year 2007.



Cristiano Ronaldo. Age: 23. Current Club: Manchester United.

This season. 17 appearances. 9 goals. 4 assists.
last season. 45 appearances. 42 goals. 8 assists.
06/07 season. 49 appearances. 23 goals. 20 assists.
Last 3 years for Portugal. 27 appearances. 12 goals. 1 assist.
--
Last 3 seasons, club and country: 138 appearances. 86 goals.

Honors

2 Premier League titles
1 FA Cup
1 League Cup
1 Champions League Trophy
UEFA 2004 Team of the Tournament
FIFA Young Player of the Year 2004
UEFA Team of the Year 2004, 2007
FIFA World 11 2007, 2008
PFA Young Player of the Year 2007
PFA Player of the year 2007, 2008
Premier League Team of the Year 2006, 2007, 2008
Football Writers Association Player of the Year 2007, 2008
Premier League Player of the Season 2007, 2008.
Premier League Golden Boot 2008.
European Golden Shoe 2008.
UEFA club Forward of the Year 2008
UEFA club Footballer of the Year 2008
FIFA World Player of the Year 2008.
Ballon d'or (European Footballer of the Year) 2008


Not close is it? At just 23 years old, Ronaldo has achieved far more at club/International level AND individually than Ibrahimovic. So have at least a score of players Ibrahimovic cannot compete with. Ronaldo is far more creative often changes games at the highest level. Can the same be said of Ibrahimovic? I don't see anyone trying to sign Zlatan for 100 million quid. Or at all!

I hope this outlandish statement is Jose being Jose and not a sign that the special one is becoming a special one, that really would be a loss for football. Once you go all Ron Atkinson, there is no coming back.

-Bigus

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Lessons in Mourinho-speak

We all know Jose Mourinho from his grumpy, suit-wearing days on the Stamford Bridge sidelines, and now he's found himself a new and more stylish gig traipsing around the edge of the San Siro turf. I fear for him, as his move reminds me very much of the Simpsons episode where Homer, as the Isotopes mascot, gets called up to the big leagues and finds that the masses there simply aren't thrilled by his antics. [Watch out for the click-through in that link, disable those pop-ups!]

In Serie A, after all, everyone gesticulates wildly and causes press hysteria by way of arrogant comments and inflammatory remarks against the referee. In England, he was enough of a novelty to stand out against the pale pastiche of drab, jowly managers from the British Isles, replete with their evasive language and empty platitudes.

Nostalgia aside, he's taken over at Inter Milan, and he's looking to redefine himself as something other than "The Special One", the super-ego that sustained him through three-and-a-bit EPL campaigns.

However, I fail to believe that this new-found humility is really that genuine, so I thought I'd go to the trouble of decoding his words into the language that I know Mourinho still speaks [not English, of course. The clever bastard had to go and learn Italian in a month and greet the media flawlessly in their native tongue].

Join me, won't you?

[Question in Bold, Mourinho's comments in blockquote, my translation in italics]

Mr. Mourinho, you described yourself as 'special' when you became coach of Chelsea in 2004, and they called you 'The Special One'. What do you want to be called now?

I have arrived at a special club, and when a club is like this the coach becomes an extra person. I'm not forgetting that I'm a great coach, but I don't want to be special. José Mourinho hasn't changed. He's the same person with the same ambition, the same motivations, and with a great passion for football. He has always wanted to coach in Italy, possibly at a great club. Inter have given me the opportunity to work in a great footballing nation like Italy.

This is a very important challenge for me and I have to thank the managers present here, in particular Marco Branca, for choosing me. It will be fun for you too."

Let's face it, I'm still the same as I ever was. This move to Italy doesn't affect that. Special, gifted, genius, call it what you will. And honestly, I will have to be a genius to figure out what to do with a squad whose average age is roughly 32.

Do you think it will be necessary to change many elements of the current Inter squad?

"From what I have read in the press all over the world - not just in Italy and Portugal - it seems as if I have come to coach a team with a squad of 70 players. This isn't good. I want to work in a team of 20-21 players plus the goalkeepers. I think that every player in the world wants to play for Inter, and that every president wants to sell players to Inter.

I like the players in my squad and I don't need to make radical changes. For myself and the management, the team just needs due or three players to improve and be even more competitive. I want the chance to change things a bit because I don't know any coach who has the same ideas as another. But I didn't like what I read about me not liking some of the players in the squad, and that I want to buy all the best players in Europe. This is not true.

I have a clear message that I want to transmit to my players. From now on I want to talk about them as my players. I want to tell all of them that I like the squad and I have faith in them. I have seen a lot of Inter's matches during the season and I appreciated the team's mentality. It's hard for me to wait until mid-July to start."

Before you all start complaining, I will note that I'm bringing in probably 8 players from Chelsea, including that donkey Frank Lampard. Why, I do not know. We Italian teams are shit with the penalty kick. That's the only reason I can think of, but hey, it's enough, right? Eat shit and die, Roman!

Seriously though, I have lots of over-the-hill crap to sell. Roll up, roll up! How much for Hernan Crespo?

Your command of Italian has surprised us. Have you been studying Italian for long?

"I understand your question well. You want to know when Inter contacted me for the first time. I like telling the truth and the truth is that Inter contacted me for the first time the day after the second match against Liverpool, but nothing had been decided then. I hadn't started studying Italian then, only three weeks ago.

It's a neo-Latin language like Spanish and Portuguese, so it was easier. The articles and verb tenses are hard, but the words are similar. It's just a matter of practice and getting used to it, I don't think it will be hard to learn your language.

I have spoken with captain Zanetti on the phone. He has a long experience and he told me that just a few weeks of work are needed to best understand the language of a football team."

Look, you little pen-holding shits, I'm better than you. I learn languages quicker than you learned how to tie your shoes and use proper proofreading marks. In the time it took me to say that, I just learned how to proofread. All learning is easy to me. Swahili, Welsh, the language of the Masai Mara, Jedi, Tagalog... it does not concern me.

I am better than you, and I will always have more money than you. Plus I'm a phenomenal manager. Ancelotti is a useless cunt.

Do you think Italian football is the best in the world at the moment?

"Italian football is the most important and it keeps improving. I always say what I think and I can say that the Serie A isn't currently the best championship in the world. When you hear it said that the strongest teams want to improve, Inter want to improve too, and it is in this way that Serie A will return to the top levels.

This is a further motivation for me and I want to be an extra person because this isn't a job done by one person, but by many. I think this is an ambition and responsibility of everybody, including the press and the whole movement, the referees, the players, the coaches and the managers. I want to make my contribution.

Inter is a team that won the last championship well because it played good football for most of the season, apart from the last two or three months. They always presented themselves as a psychologically strong team and this helped them win the Scudetto."

What do you expect me to say, that it's shit? There's at least three leagues better than this one. I used to work in the best league in the world until I got fired. Now I come to a world of "catenaccio" and flip-flopping. Heck, why do you think we sold Arjen Robben? I was sick of his weak-legged plummeting! And now this place, the land of Gattusos and that cunt Materazzi... shit, he's on my team?

Fuck! Fuck to the highest heavens! We're a league that no-one cares about, and I'm its biggest star!?! Even working under Sven Goran-Eriksson would be a fate kinder than this! Shit fuck shit fuck shit shit shit!

Do you think your squad can win in your first season as coach of Inter?

"I think the results will come because it's the natural consequence of the work done. I always say that my players are the best in the world. I said it when I coached a small club, when I coached Porto, and when I coached Chelsea, and from now on the best players in the world are those of Inter. We can reach positive results by working together. I have won twelve trophies in the last six seasons and I think that I can win something important here too."

Let's be honest. I am talking absolute bullshit. Jose talks down to everyone because no-one can understand him. I coached Porto*, and hopped to Chelsea, taking a lot of players with me, and now I'll do the same here.

I think we can win because this is a terrible, terrible league. Genoa? You mean that place actually exists? Verona? Parma? Livorno? Siena? What kind of horseshit is this? I've never even heard of these teams before. How could I possibly lose?

Portugal is the same way -- you show up, you get good results against Sporting and Benfica, and the rest is shit. Sporting could barely beat Bolton. How much of an idiot do you have to be to fuck that one up? Jose is no idiot.

Inter Milan is the kind of team I dearly love: one that's full of money and established stars that require little tweaking. Sure, I'll steal some players from that dog Abramovich, but this team is ready to shit all over the AS Romas and Catanias of this league. They will bow to me like the deity I am.

If I can't win here, I might as well join the MLS.

* [Funnily enough, Porto just got banned from the Champions League for bribery that occurred during the year that Jose made them the best team around. Oops. We'll be covering this in more detail shortly.]

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Managerial Silly Season Begins

In the wake of Inter's pitiful showing against Liverpool at the San Siro on Tuesday night, manager Roberto Mancini stunned reporters at the press conference afterwards by announcing he was leaving the club after the season. To be fair, it was probably a smart move on his part, as owner Massimo Moratti was probably going to sack him over the summer anyways after repeated bedshitting in Europe's top level club competition. So Inter is the first big job open, and the rumors are starting to fly. An attempt to sort out the rumor carousel, after the jump.

Rafa Benitez was asked if he would want the Inter job on Tuesday night, and responded that he was happy at Liverpool. But the ongoing turmoil in the boardroom at Anfield might lead him to look for a more stable situation. One place that is likely to have a vacancy is Barcelona, where Frank Rijkaard is almost certainly on his way out, especially in the wake of Barca's two week choke fiesta in La Liga. The Dutchman may be a decent tactician, but he is clearly not a disciplinarian, and Ronaldinho et al appear to be taking full advantage. Even the great Thierry Henry is reportedly disgruntled.

The rumor is that Roman Abramovich would like Rijkaard to take over at Stamford Bridge, where Avram Grant is clearly gone after this season. The loss at Barnsley may have sealed his fate, but its pretty clear that he is out of his depth in trying to manage such an expensive squad. John Terry appears to have decided he doesn't have to listen to the coaching staff, and other less vocal players have probably already tuned out the gaffer. Drogba looks like he is on his way out the door, along with Frank Lampard and the useless Shevchenko (get your wallet out, Alexi Lalas!).

The Rijkaard connection makes sense if Roman is really serious about buying Ronaldinho, but such a laissez faire manager is the worst thing a club like Chelsea needs right now. Jose Mourinho was successful because he had a strong personality and was able to instill discipline in the squad. If Roman wasn't such a starfucker, he would consider someone sensible like Martin O'Neill. Maybe Marco Van Basten would be interested in the wake of the apparent collapse of the Johan Cruyff revolution at Ajax. The most hilarious rumor I have seen is Mancini taking over. Hopefully Roman doesn't read the ebays and see this hilarious diatribe from a Nerazurri blooger.

The media savvy Portuguese was in the news last week claiming that he would like to "kill" Chelsea in the Champions League next year. Jose will have his pick of jobs this summer, and the place where he would be the best fit is at the Nou Camp. Barca are in desperate need of some direction, and Mourinho did feature in the coaching set up there in the 1990s. The Catalan press has even been doing its best to rehabilitate him in the wake of the contentious Champions League ties he presided over. Mourinho is also in play for the Inter job, and Barca will supposedly go for a younger manager, such as Laurent Blanc at Bordeaux, if Jose goes to Milan.

One other "big" job that should be open is at Lyon, where Alain Perrin has underachieved despite winning a crucial match against Bordeaux over the weekend. Lyon were dumped out of the Champions League again this year, and team president Jean-Michel Aulas has indicated his ambition to actually have a deep run in the competition. Didier Deschamps, who took serious dark horse Monaco to the 2004 Champions League final, is rumored to be sniffing around. Whoever is running the club will likely have some serious coin to spend after Lyon unload Benzama during the summer transfer window.

Getting back to Inter, the smart money says they go for Cesare Prandelli, fashion icon and Fiorentina boss, who just finished dumping Everton out of the UEFA Cup. I think the fans want Moratti to "Italianize" the team a bit more (were there any Italians in the starting XI at the San Siro on Tuesday?), and I doubt he looks abroad for a manager. Unless Mourinho is available. He's sooooo hot right now.

[Editor's note: Well apparently Mancini is staying, so disregard all the Inter-based speculation, at least for now. But Avram is still getting sacked...]

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Hell Hath no fury like a media-savvy Portuguese manager scorned

Revenge is the biggest driving force in the world today. Call me cynical, but it's surely true. Look at what George Bush does with world politics, or John J. Rambo. Fuck, look at any movie Charles Bronson ever did. He was always on the hunt for some punks who'd fucked with his family.

When you're jilted or left at the altar or double-crossed, it's the sweet dream of payback that keeps you waking up in the morning.

Jose Mourinho knows that pain, and he wants to kill Chelsea FC.

I would love to see him try.

Jose knows the media game, and he's probably been waiting to say this until after Chelsea's recent, perhaps inevitable, pasting of aging Greek side Olympiacos CFP last night. With a lot of disappointing Italian sides and Spanish sides exiting the competition [AC Milan, Real Madrid, Sevilla] recently, he's certainly going to have a lot to job offers to choose from, especially after the Italian press went with the imaginative "AC Milan: The End" headlines following the San Siro loss.

Regardless, Mourinho went on the record saying that he is desperate to knock them out of the Champions League next year and to kill them at Stamford Bridge.

Quoth The Special One:

"I hope to play them next season in the Champions League. If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them - that's my message."

It's poetry, it really is.

This is what slow news days are good for [well, there's slow and then there's slow-but-with-Google-Blog-Alerts-not-arriving-daily slow]. Talk shit on each other, make cryptic comments regarding the future, then depart.

Mourinho is the king of slow news days.

[Also, AC Milan wants to re-sign Shevchenko, and Barnsley has beaten Chelsea in the FA Cup before. Ha.]

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