Thursday, February 21, 2008

Gazza pulls a Maradona, goes batshit insane

Paul Gascoigne has been taken against his will to a mental institution after being sectioned following a presumed altercation at the Malmaison Hotel in Newcastle overnight.

One of these men is a drunken, red faced twat. The other is Gazza.
Photo courtesy BBC

After the jump, pure, wild speculation on what happened.

The way I see it, only one thing could have happened. Gazza, tired of being an international punchline for wasting his talent while in search of birds, drugs and drink had decided to turn his life around. He had gone to the Malmaison for the most upscale AA/NA meeting on earth, because as everyone knows, Newcastle is where the posh junkies are. Being rich, he was able to fly through all 24 steps (12 on each side) in a single day. Jubilant, Gazza reemerged into the Newcastle night.

Oddly, the moment that Gazza was leaving the hotel, Vinnie Jones emerged Omar-style out of a shadowy alley and started heckling him. Vinnie told Gazza that he needed to apologize for allowing Jones to catch a chill years before when Gazza refused to lend him a sweater. Gazza blanched, and told Jones to forget it, as Vinnie would have just stretched the neck out. Jones started to walk off, passing Gazza, but left him with a final reminder of who owned the power in the relationship.
Gazza, recalling the pain from early in his playing career that caused him to go off the tracks back then, went wild. Details are sketchy at this point, but he may have turned into a giant, radioactive wolfman who started attacking the hotel. Witnesses say he appeared to be trying to punch the building into tiny bits when the local police got involved. After a barrage of bullets and billy clubs, he morphed back into naked Gazza. He tried to slink off, but was then arrested and remanded. Video of this part of the night can be found below.


Anonymous said...

One of my favorite Gazza stories was him talking about his struggle to keep the pounds off during his playing days, so he came up with a ingenious diet idea -- "Whenever I got hungry, I just took a nap."

Shame he didn't try it with the drink.

For what it's worth, he's my favorite English non-Liverpool player of all-time... Coulda, Should, Woulda been one of the best...

Eladio said...

My favorite Gazza quote:

What is the world coming to when you get a red card and get fined two weeks' wages for calling a grown man a wanker?


hockalees said...

Gazza is the balls

/Vinnie Jones