Getting to Know: Luka Modric

With so many foreign players landing on England’s shores like V2 rockets from around the world, we would like to introduce you to some of the names and faces that might soon be making Frank Lampard obsolete. And so, we proudly present:

The First in a Series in Which Your Humble Spectator Assesses a Foreign Player with the Help of Grainy Clips Found on Youtube


Luka Modric is a Croatian midfielder who at this very moment plays for Dinamo Zagreb. Dinamo’s manager will soon be holding an auction for Modric’s services on the steps of the English Premier League home office in Slough, Berkshire, where it is believed that Chelsea and Manchester City as well as maybe Arsenal and Spurs will each be competing for young Modric’s services. But who is Luka Modric, really?

Luka Modric is best known for his strong play against the very greatest team in the world, who are sometimes known as the English national team, when Modric helped Croatia defeat England 3-2 in the European Cup qualifiers (Steve McLaren and Scott Carson also having something to do with the result). Luka Modric has been compared to Tomas Rosicky, in that they both prefer to play on the left side of the midfield, although it is not yet known if Modric also has a penchant for firing shots wildly off-target and looking disgusted with himself. Modric is quite short and slight of build, meaning that he will become excellent fodder for Joey Barton and Robby Savage tackles.


Nevertheless, Modric is said to have the ball-handling abilities of a Messi or Rooney. Perhaps the reason that English teams are so interested in Modric is that he has the potential to slot into the number 10 position and create plays for a team’s strikers. Certainly the fact that Modric is equally adept with both feet will come in handy in a country where left-footers are as rare as a Man U holiday party without rape.

As this video shows, Modric is “a genius” and “like a football wizard.” He is also very talented at looking pensive -- although most people would look pensive when staring out at Zagreb while some crappy U2 song plays in the background:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aUGD3IkVaA

Which brings me to another point. Why does every single footy highlight reel on Youtube have the worst fucking music ever? I mean, U2 was actually a decent choice compared to most of the Euro trash pop or weird, pseudo-“epic” music. Like this clip, which is “only a trailer for the upcoming Luka Modric Complication”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTvl2EJ9CPM

So there you have it, the Luka Modric Complication can be yours for only 20 million pounds. My guess is that Modric will soon be a member of Roman Abramovich’s army of rich yuppie scum. Modric will soon be doing Hairclub for Men advertisements (do they have those in England?) and laughing at Michael Ballack’s collection of vintage Porsches. Over time, however, Modric will become increasingly jealous of Steve Sidwell’s tattoos and will grow fat from eating meat pies. Modric will descend into a deeper and deeper funk until he is finally offloaded on Blackburn on a free transfer. Croatia will never seem so far away.

(Oh, and by the way, yes, all U2 songs are pretty crappy.)