Now It Just Needs a Huge Breasted Sorceress Riding A Winged Tiger

Manchster United defender Rio Ferdinand, who must be just the classiest guy ever, is getting married.

That's not that interesting because he's been with his wife-to-be for seven years and they already have two kids together.

Okay, the kind of cool part is that the kids are named Lorenz and Tate, and going by the filmogrpahy and the length of his relationship with his bride, we can only guess Rio was deeply affected by either Dead Presidents or Why Do Fools Fall in Love. I guess it depends on how gangsta Rio fancies himself to be.

And judging by this next bit, we're going with "not very."

Sorry to bury the lead so far down but at his wedding ceremony, Ferdinand is going to have the rings delivered by an owl carrying a velvet pouch.

Is Rebecca aware that her hubby-to-be gets his romantic inspirations from things he sees painted in airbrush art on the sides of vans? Really, being a footballer must totally rule. You can want the dumbest shit in the world and nobody is going to call you on it.

Anyway, from the Daily Record: "A barn owl called Ollie is being trained to swoop down the aisle carrying the rings in a velvet pouch. The best man will wear a falconer's glove for the bird to perch on."

Says Mike Roberts, the head falconer at the wedding venue "It's never gone wrong yet but one never knows."

Please God if someone could release a small barn mouse or shrew at the exact moment that the falcon is supposed to deliver the rings the world would be forever in your debt.

It's worth noting that for gangsta street cred, Rio did invite 50 Cent (isn't he investing in a movie with him? Or was that EBJT? I can't keep the personal lives of English defenders straight) and Mickey Rourke to the wedding.