Friday, March 6, 2009

People who are where they shouldn't be.

In lieu of a catchier title, it's perhaps better to get straight into the meat of the matter, and that is the curious case of several players and managers who are currently plying their trades in places that don't suit them. That is to say, they're trapped in a bad remake of Groundhog Day, and should probably look to escape.

For one reason or another, this lot would be better served to move on to pastures new, because their current clubs clearly aren't a good fit. I mean, it worked for Robbie Keane, right? (The second time he moved this season, not the first)

There are a lot that come to mind, and in the spirit of some breezy Friday discussion, I give you this hasty list:

Ryan Babel:
Ahh, the precocious Dutch wunderkind (if I knew the Dutch word, I wouldn't have used the German), who has honestly been ruined by his time at Anfield under the goateed Spanish rotator.

Every time he touches the ball I grimace, fully aware of what'll happen next: he'll dribble it lazily 20 yards at full sprint before losing it to the first defender he comes across. It's his MO. It's his agonizing calling card, and one that has come to define him at Liverpool FC.

Oh, and that miss at Fratton Park. The lad's still young and has plenty of time to turn it around, but let's end the failing marriage before someone gets hurt, right? He should go back to Holland, tiptoe around the Maginot Lines that pass for defenses over there, and then hop over to Spain when he's good and ready. La Liga is where defenders go to die.

Jose Mourinho:
The cappucino-quaffing journalistas don't understand him, and while Inter is doing rather well under his tutelage, it's clear that he will always be a round Portuguese peg in a square, catenaccio hole. Plus, he's lacking that foil he needs, that one manager whom he can berate and poke fun at week after week, thus giving the media all the juicy headlines they can handle. It's obvious he needs to be back in England. Squabbling with Ranieri just isn't the same.

Roman Pavlyuchenko:
The epitome of a foreign player who dazzles in one international tournament, parlays that into a sweet deal to come to the EPL, and then fails miserably on all fronts. While he did have a happy knack of scoring freely in the Carling Cup, aka "The Cup That Ought Not to Be", he hasn't exactly set the league on fire, not to mention that dismal performance against Man United at Wembley.

Spurs have the problem of possessing four woefully inept strikers, who might come good if fused together into some Megatron/Peter Crouch hybrid, and yet, when the time comes to jettison some deadwood, let Pavs go first. After all, Daz Bent did manage 10+ goals in the EPL this season (we should ignore the fact that virtually all of them were before November).

Roman belongs back in the frigid tundras of the motherland, as it's a place where his frozen caveman attitude on the pitch will not be noticed as being out of the ordinary.

Jonas Gutierrez:
I don't watch Newcastle much, mainly because they're unwatchable, but the long-haired winger/midfielder/libero/whatever had a decent game against Man United on Wednesday, which leads me to believe he's a good player, and ergo, has no business being at Newcastle. If that makes sense.

The lad belongs somewhere glitzier and more attractive, two adjectives not often used to describe that city on Tyneside. Ship him to Portugal for a healthy fee.

Mark Hughes:
You're clearly not built to manage that money. Step aside... I hear Pompey is hiring.

Tim Cahill:
The man should be strapped to a rocketship and blasted into space, where the void shall tear him asunder. Hate.

It doesn't help that you forgot which club signed you in the summer, but surely 9 months is enough time for you to realize that the Blue side of Manchester is not the best showcase for a young Brazilian's skills. The money doesn't matter. Christ lad, find yourself a club that has more than three good players and you'll be set!

Any others I am missing?


Matt said...

Why the hate for Cahill?

Lingering Bursitis said...

He's easily my least favourite player ever (being that I'm LFC born and bred, and he's a Toffee c*nt).

I wish there was a fate worse than painful, agonizing death, so I could wish it upon him.

Matt said...

Okay, that makes sense, I was not aware of your "status" and just thought it was random hate from a neutral.

The NY Kid said...

shit, I'm a Gooner and I loathe that twat.

Ibracadabra said...

I think either Gianfranco Zola OR Carlton Cole need to leave West Ham.

It makes no sense that Zola - the man who preaches beautiful attractive one-touch football is relying so heavily on a lead-footed up-the-middle, direct "Can't Control" Cole to grab a UEFA Cup spot. Zola to Chelsea, then?

And conversely - it makes no sense that Cole is the center of all things good for West Ham - when it's clear that his touch wouldn't be good enough for the Italian U-19 team Zola managed before he got the WHam gig. Cole to the Coca Cola Championship then? Or at least send him to Bolton. That would be perfect. BOLTON.

JT said...

Bolton are a side forged on having hoofers and can't controllers like C. Cole. That said, I must begrudgingly admit that SFB are playing decent footy at the moment. That Newcastle game was almost fun to watch.

phil said...

Strange that two of Spurs "woefully inept strikers" managed to find the back of the net agaisnt the same 'Boro squad that shut out LFC. One of them used to play for LFC, as I recall.

Methinks you should have Rafa on this list.

phil said...

Also, agreed on Cahill. F*cking cheap shot artist, that one.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahaha Cahill
I fucking agree

Anonymous said...

Totally on board with the Cahill hate, though I think I might hate Fellaini even more.

Methinks Dossena should also be on this list.

Spectator said...


Goat said...

Flamini. Come home, Mathiyewwu, we miss you.

Joep Smeets said...

Wunderkind in Dutch is wonderkind.

...i'll shut up now.

Autoglass said...

I agree with Phil. Where is Rafa on this list?

Darren said...

Well I am a gooner and I love Cahill. Love how always pops up and scores big goals.