Monday, March 2, 2009

Now It Just Needs a Huge Breasted Sorceress Riding A Winged Tiger

Manchster United defender Rio Ferdinand, who must be just the classiest guy ever, is getting married.

That's not that interesting because he's been with his wife-to-be for seven years and they already have two kids together.

Okay, the kind of cool part is that the kids are named Lorenz and Tate, and going by the filmogrpahy and the length of his relationship with his bride, we can only guess Rio was deeply affected by either Dead Presidents or Why Do Fools Fall in Love. I guess it depends on how gangsta Rio fancies himself to be.

And judging by this next bit, we're going with "not very."

Sorry to bury the lead so far down but at his wedding ceremony, Ferdinand is going to have the rings delivered by an owl carrying a velvet pouch.

Is Rebecca aware that her hubby-to-be gets his romantic inspirations from things he sees painted in airbrush art on the sides of vans? Really, being a footballer must totally rule. You can want the dumbest shit in the world and nobody is going to call you on it.

Anyway, from the Daily Record: "A barn owl called Ollie is being trained to swoop down the aisle carrying the rings in a velvet pouch. The best man will wear a falconer's glove for the bird to perch on."

Says Mike Roberts, the head falconer at the wedding venue "It's never gone wrong yet but one never knows."

Please God if someone could release a small barn mouse or shrew at the exact moment that the falcon is supposed to deliver the rings the world would be forever in your debt.

It's worth noting that for gangsta street cred, Rio did invite 50 Cent (isn't he investing in a movie with him? Or was that EBJT? I can't keep the personal lives of English defenders straight) and Mickey Rourke to the wedding.

19 comments:

The NY Kid said...

Dead Man Running starring 50 cent, with Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand as producers.

Mike Georger said...

He's marrying the cross dressing Rooney cousin? Club over reproductive abilities I guess.

Precious Roy said...

I thought Chelsea has something to do with it. Guess they didn't want to let whitey in on it being a Fiddy Cent movie and all.

Mike Georger said...

Also, I'm disappointed that the 'Falconry' tag doesn't bring up anything else.

Andrew said...

@Georger: You see, I find her attractive. Does that make me gay? It would be fitting - considering earlier posts - if I found this out about myself today.

Mike Georger said...

No, but having sex with men does.
Maybe it's just the picture, or shes knocked up there.

Precious Roy said...

Georger:

A) I'm guessing she was preggers as the article that was attached to said they just had one kid, so it's entirely possible.

B) Yes, but I was totally stoked to create the Falconry tag and hope there is ample use for it in the future.

Mike Georger said...

Is that event's slogan 'For Children, Against AIDS'?

Precious Roy said...

Yes, United players wanted something that was only slightly less controversial than "For Job. Against Crime."

Eladio said...

I'm confused...the article says an owl will deliver the rings, but PR hopes a mouse is released the moment the falcon is released? What's the real story here?

Also, I can't believe there's no Ladyhawke jokes yet. 80's cinema at its finest.

Precious Roy said...

Job = Jobs... stupid s, ruin the joke.

hockalees said...

This whole "owl delivering the ring" thing smacks of Harry Potter to me. Besides, Rio already plays for Slytherin, no?

@Mike Georger:
Let's not get bogged down in Aids.

The Fan's Attic said...

no, no, no...it's "For Against Children AIDS"...they are pro ostracizing AIDS Children.

Andrew said...

@Georger: It's not gay if two straight guys fuck each other.

An owl will deliver the ring? So, Arshavin IS invited to the ceremony?

Mike Georger said...

So I think she kinda looks like a porn star, but I am hesitant to link to any pictures for obvious reasons. Though this really goes well with my theory that Rio is in fact Ramon from the BangBros websites.

Andrew said...

What is this BangBros of which you speak?

Andrew said...

/glances sheepishly around class

ΓΌ75 said...

Murray Hewitt is still searching for the Pro-AIDS faction.

phil said...

it's "For Against Children AIDS"...they are pro ostracizing AIDS Children.

Glen Hoddle agrees.