Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Whudafxup? Liverpool Edition


Two cunts and an Englishman in scarves

Alright folks, let's get this massacre out of the way today, in the wake of the alarming success/flame wars of the Arsenal edition.


It's no secret: my team is a fucking mess. Shambles. Trophyless again this year, coming so close to a CL final [only to be cruelly humiliated at Stamford Bridge, a cathedral of banality), and finishing fourth yet again. They don't make drugs or intoxicants potent enough to forget this fact.

We do have a shining Spanish star in Fernando Torres, who should give us the best years of his career, as well as our inconsistent but powerful talisman, Steven Gerrard. Outside of those two? We have precious little else.

The constant lineup tinkering and formation changing has led to mediocre seasons from a lot of players from whom big things were expected: Kuyt's heading into the summer as a glorified workhorse winger who can't cross, Pennant's speed always fails him on the final delivery, Babel has been potent but still needs to adjust to the game, and Xabi Alonso simply hasn't come back well from his early-season injuries.

The loss of Daniel Agger [fucking metatarsal injuries] proved to be a monumental hindrance and forced us to rely on an aging Hyppia at the back, far more than we would have hoped. Skrtel has acquitted himself admirably, but he's no Agger.

Add to that the Crouch fiasco; a great striker who scores goals whenever he plays, but he never ever gets the chance and is likely heading off in the summer to a team that will use him properly. I worry that the final nail in the coffin came last Wednesday, when a bereft-of-ideas Rafa used Pennant, Kuyt and Benayoun without even giving Peter a sniff of the pitch when we needed inspiration the most. I pray that he doesn't leave, but I'd be amazed if he puts up with the humiliation.

And then we come to the boardroom. What a fucking nightmare. Hicks and Gillett sparring at every opportunity, Rick Parry being threatened with the sack, and a bunch of Dubai moneymen with itchy trigger fingers aching to get their hands on the seat of power at Anfield. Benitez was royally usurped when the Klinsmann talks came to light, and it all adds up to a massive ship without any kind of rudder or stabilizing force.


So, long intro aside.... what the fuck do they do to clean it all up? Where should the rot be stopped first? Biggest transfer needs? Biggest wastes of space? New manager? New ownership? Where should they spend their money? Should we burn down the village to save the inhabitants? [I always fuck up that analogy]


Have at it, you filthy savages. Gooner fans, here's your chance to get revenge.


20 comments:

Mike Georger said...

the fuck do arsenal fans have to mock liverpool about? penalty or not you still got knocked out of the champions league by them, and sure you finished fourth but at least liverpool made sure to piss away first place as soon as they got it rather than shit the bed down the home stretch when you had it all but locked up if you could just beat mediocre teams


anyways

get the americans out. not because theyre americans, because they suck. DIC scares the HELL out of me but at least there are no financial worries there (until they run out of oil).

sell:
riise
pennant
kewell (so sad)

probably sell, unfortunately:
alonso
crouch


bring in:
barry (i know people arent thrilled but its worth it alone to make stevie the happiest girl in the world)

a competent left back. insua looks good but hes not ready for the starting roll. bring in an experienced left back to fill the void until he is ready. guess who, HEINZE. or bring in bridge for all i care

right back: finnan is a horse when hes healthy but hes getting to the end of his career sadly. again have solid youth prospects here but not ready.

wide players: yossi and babel are both solid and can create their own ways. babel's dribbling skills have improved drastically, and yossi for allll the people who talked shit about that signing has been the game changer this season in many games (wigan for fucks sake, NOONE ELSE COULD SCORE AGAINST WIGAN?) but neither of them are much for crossing

if you sell crouch you have to bring in another striker. voronin just sucks and kuyt ... hes a workhorse. a massively expensive workhorse who hasnt lived up to anything near his dutch form

youth:
nemeth into the firsst team fold. the kid is a freak.
plessis as this years lucas
insua splitting time at left back
hobbs filling in for the aging carra and sami whenever needed
pacheco and bruna, on the short list should anyone go down god forbid

the center of the field is going to be the strongest area. with carra, sami, agger, and skrtel to choose from in central defense, thats fantastic. mascherano bitching everyone in front of them. and then stevie with whoever ends up in the middle with him

the fact is this season was a massive improvement. the problem wasnt scoring goals, is was letting teams back into games. during the city game i think the announcer said that of our six draws at gome in five of them we had the lead. you have to hold home leads.

Goat said...

I think Liverpool needs more fireside chats from Hicks. His grandfatherly demeanor and warm Texas drawl are all that's needed to restore confidence and soothe everyone's fractured nerves during these trying times.

Ian said...

Are you on crack Georger? You think Hicks and Gilett have the wherewithal to buy you a new left back, a new right back, another striker, Gareth Barry, and another winger? Even with the funds from selling Crouchidino that's still a massive outlay.

Lingering Bursitis said...

I will speak up in Georger's defence: crack is the only thing that's kept us upbeat since the expected fade from EPL title contention.

Mike Georger said...

well im not expecting another top striker. if they are committed to the one man up top formation they need someone who is okay with not being the starter, which crouch obviously is not. what they get for crouch should be enough to get that kind of player.

and if they get someone like deggen on a free theres no worry there. the right is a lot stronger than the left right now.

and if they sell alonso that should be more than enough to buy barry alone.

if not, you still get at least 10 million total from riise and pennant, plus whatever carson fetches.

so lets say crouch translates into another striker
alonso translates into barry
riise/pennant/carson can fund a left back or wide player

get one player on a free

thats not much spending

of course this is moot if DIC comes in

The Fan's Attic said...

How about a break? Thankyouverymuch.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Thanks Attic. Your break gave me a well-deserved break from myself.

hockalees said...

I expect Hicks to finally fire Rick Parry and bring in Jim Lites to get the new stadium built and oversee all "soccer operations" for the club.

Hicks will then have LFC buy Ronaldinho for $250mil this summer when the next closest bid for him was from Chelsea at a fifth of the price.

Next January Hicks will declare that LFC are in a "rebuilding phase", declare there is no money to spend on players, name Kenny Daglish the club's "Soccer Czar" and promote Jose Ochotorena to manager.

Why, yes, I am a long-time fans of sports teams in D/FW... why do you ask?

The NY Kid said...

LIVERPOOL IS TEH SUXXORZ!!

LOLZ!!1!1

/I think I did that wrong

ΓΌ75 said...

As we have talked about before, I'm with the Sell Gerrard crowd. He should fetch a decent price. My perceived knock on him is that he disappears far too much for a playmaker in the middle. It will be hard to let him go, but a consistent, lesser player in the middle is much preferable than a big time guy who can be brilliant, but often isn't.

Maybe he can go to Everton, which as we all know is the team he supported as a lad. Facts from books be damned, I'm willing to believe it.

The NY Kid said...

No way they sell Stevie G - aside from being their talisman (which would cause a further revolt among the supporters), he is their glue in the middle.

Riise, Xabi and Crouchaldinho are on their way out, though.

30f said...

I am not a Liverpool fan, so maybe I am missing something. Help me out here ...

What have Hicks and Gillette done that is so wrong?

Their recent spats could certainly be distracting to players, and definitely to Rafa, but well before that, many 'pudlians were shouting for the H&G to be driven out.

I understand that H&G certainly don't "get" the heart and depth (and blah, blah, blah) of LFC - but what owner does that at any team? Having a son of an owner get spat on in a pub surely shows a certain tone-deafness, but how does H&G not grasping the team culture translate to the field?

It seems they have spent a decent amount of money, and maybe DIC will have more cash to splash - but does anyone think the Alone Walking faithful would be happy with DIC after a season or two?

I think that H&G are (at least) semi-bufoonish, but they made a smart purchase and they seem to be doing a decent job with the ON-FIELD stuff. Is it just that this season was disappointing for the fans that they have to lash out at someone and the Merikun owners are better targets than the manager or the beloved star mid-fielder? LFC did not have a disastrous year, and even if they had, wouldn't those results have hinged more on a certain bean-pole striker not playing enough or the manager jacking around with the line-up every couple days?

Lingering Bursitis said...

30f: Mark Ashley, for one, understands his club's history. There are many, many more.


What can we fault them for? Let's see:
- mismanaging money, putting all their debts on the club and potentially rogering our financial standing
- constant fights between themselves, causing disruption
- threatening the manager on more occasions than I care to recall
- illegally approaching another manager behind current manager's back and asking him if he'd be interested in the job
- refusal to sell shares to DIC
- fighting has caused delays on the new stadium
- bought Torres and Babel with BANK LOANS



While we do like to lash out at things/people/small children for our on-field failures, this one is totally justified. They've made a mockery of our club, and now they refuse to move on when they clearly should.

Precious Roy said...

INVIZHIBUL SEE-EL FINOL!

Precious Roy said...

hockalees: You forgot "Put Marty Turco in goal."

BerbaKeane said...

Liverpoo better do something about securing their position in the Top 4. This is not a wind up Lingering Vagina. The fact is the debt that H & G are using to finance your team is dependent on Champs League and advnacing Far into the tournament. One slip up and LFC will have serious problems. I reiterate, this is not a windup. I only wish Le Scum the pain and misery they so richly deserve.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Welcome back, Berbakeane (soon to be BentaKeane?). I know only too well that their borrowing money against the club is a terrible practice and yes, if we slip up and lose those golden geese, we're quite fucked. I'm hoping the DIC money can get some of this debt written off, as and when the yanks finally see sense and decide to sell up.

Mike Georger said...

"bought Torres and Babel with BANK LOANS"
is there ANY proof of this other than a times article that parry immediately refuted? they sold enough players to cover the cost of torres and some of babel

BerbaKeane said...

DIC will give your lot the $$$ you need and your supporters friendlies in the Middle East. Might also be able to finance the tearing down of the crap ground in a slum.

Jon said...

Sell: Riise, Pennant, Crouch, and Alonso

Buy: Barry, Bentley, and Rafinha

Give-Away: Voronin

As others have said above, I think we owe Nemeth a shot at becoming our second striker. Rafa's spent a fortune on all this youth talent, and we've seen no payoff for any of these purchases.

Personally, I'm for firing Rick Parry. Hicks is an ass, and runs his mouth too much, but Parry is a disastrous President. We always overpay and we give away players on the cheap. Not to mention the fact that we've lost out on Alves and many other targets because we can't negotiate a price, and our "brand" is shit compared to Chelsea, United, or Arsenal. Ultimately, that's the President's fault, and Parry should have to pay for that.

I'd love to see Hicks and Gillett out because their relationship is too fractured, and will hurt the club in the long run. And because of all the damage Hicks has done, it's near impossible to fire Rafa. For a manager that's only won 2 trophies in 4 years, neither of which is the premiership, he shouldn't have that type of security.