Keegan's axe is sharp, unlike his strikers

[Ed Note: as per an Update from Koogometer Creator, Bigus Dickus: "It shows Newcastle's free-scoring consistency. So it moves forward a bit if they score 3 in 2 games in a week, it'll shift again. If they score 3 in a game 4 weeks in a row, we will be close to a full swing in the other direction. Fail to score again next week and its back to zero. My discretion!" So there you have it folks, the Koogometer explained]

[I haven't figured out what the increments are on this thing yet. I think each big mark represents two goals... I don't think we need to worry about running out of room.]

Considering that the news day is rather dead today, there's no better time than now to check in with everyone's favourite phoenix, Kevin Keegan. He's doing the Lord's work at St. James' Park, inspiring young and old, thin and dangerously obese, with his rousing brand of managerial wisdom.

It's just a shame that it hasn't resulted in any bloody wins.

This morning, he sacked yet more of his backroom staff: Mark Howard, the conditioning coach [like Barton needs any training in how to hurt people], and Gavin Fleig, the ProZone Game Analysis expert [think FIFA08, but with more stats and pictures!]. This latest cull adds to the departure of Assistant Manager Nigel Pearson and Head of Sports Medicine Mark Taylor earlier in the month, so all this change is good, right? Surely we'll see a swift upswing in goals, performance and success?

Of course not! Newcastle have managed two EPL goals since our last check of the Koogan Klock Watch, both from Michael Owen somehow and breaking a 455-minute goalless streak under Koog, but no wins yet. No sir, nary a peep in the win column. After the jump, get a load of Koog's record to date, and laugh at his incompetence. Thanks to these statistics, it appears that ineptitude is quantifiable!

With Dennis Wise breathing down his neck in an "executive" role, how long before Kev feels the slice of his own axe?

LAST EPL GOAL: Michael Owen, 4" at Aston Villa - Feb. 9th

IN 2008:
Newcastle 0, Man City 2 - Jan. 2nd
Man Utd 6, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 12th
Newcastle 0, Bolton 0 - Jan. 19th**
Arsenal 3, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 29th**
Newcastle 1, Middlesbrough 1 [Michael Owen, 60"] - Feb. 4th**

** under Koogan