Alert: Kelvin Koogan goalsplosion

I am pleased to report that Kevin Keegan has finally managed to impart the wisdom of scoring goals to his awful team. The huddle of mediocre players has rallied around him, heard his enthusiastic words, and managed to find the net a few times of late, thus almost breaking our beloved Koog-o-meter with all the activity.

Of course, it didn't hurt that the porous Spurs defense was on the fixture list to cure their misfiring ways.

The Magpies put 4 in the net at White Hart Lane this weekend, stunning just about everyone, and after their tidy 2-0 win the previous week against Fulham, well, they might not be so bad after all. 6 goals in a week! There was a point in January where it took them a month-and-a-half to score that many!

Hope shines on for the pie-stuffed faithful of St. James's Park, and we toast to them with a healthy Koog-o-meter reading for the first time all season.

Shine on, Koog. If only Spurs could host you every weekend.

After the jump, some goals!

Well, ahem, I thought I'd be able to embed it, but I'm not. Here's the link though... enjoy those goals. Newcastle looked oddly dangerous, something we've not seen all season long. Go Koog, go!

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Keegan's axe is sharp, unlike his strikers

[Ed Note: as per an Update from Koogometer Creator, Bigus Dickus: "It shows Newcastle's free-scoring consistency. So it moves forward a bit if they score 3 in 2 games in a week, it'll shift again. If they score 3 in a game 4 weeks in a row, we will be close to a full swing in the other direction. Fail to score again next week and its back to zero. My discretion!" So there you have it folks, the Koogometer explained]

[I haven't figured out what the increments are on this thing yet. I think each big mark represents two goals... I don't think we need to worry about running out of room.]

Considering that the news day is rather dead today, there's no better time than now to check in with everyone's favourite phoenix, Kevin Keegan. He's doing the Lord's work at St. James' Park, inspiring young and old, thin and dangerously obese, with his rousing brand of managerial wisdom.

It's just a shame that it hasn't resulted in any bloody wins.

This morning, he sacked yet more of his backroom staff: Mark Howard, the conditioning coach [like Barton needs any training in how to hurt people], and Gavin Fleig, the ProZone Game Analysis expert [think FIFA08, but with more stats and pictures!]. This latest cull adds to the departure of Assistant Manager Nigel Pearson and Head of Sports Medicine Mark Taylor earlier in the month, so all this change is good, right? Surely we'll see a swift upswing in goals, performance and success?

Of course not! Newcastle have managed two EPL goals since our last check of the Koogan Klock Watch, both from Michael Owen somehow and breaking a 455-minute goalless streak under Koog, but no wins yet. No sir, nary a peep in the win column. After the jump, get a load of Koog's record to date, and laugh at his incompetence. Thanks to these statistics, it appears that ineptitude is quantifiable!

With Dennis Wise breathing down his neck in an "executive" role, how long before Kev feels the slice of his own axe?

LAST EPL GOAL: Michael Owen, 4" at Aston Villa - Feb. 9th

IN 2008:
Newcastle 0, Man City 2 - Jan. 2nd
Man Utd 6, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 12th
Newcastle 0, Bolton 0 - Jan. 19th**
Arsenal 3, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 29th**
Newcastle 1, Middlesbrough 1 [Michael Owen, 60"] - Feb. 4th**

** under Koogan

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Koog's on the Klock

Prodigal sons don't often get a lot of comfort time once they return, and it's only fair that Mr. Keegan gets the same treatment. After all, the fanfare surrounding his arrival was so incredibly deafening that it was hard to miss.

He's three games into his second tenure with the Magpies: two 3-0 pastings at the Emirates, and a 0-0 affair at home to Bolton. Three games, no goals. 394 minutes since the last Newcastle goal in the EPL, and 270 scoreless minutes under the Koog.

Joey Barton got a run out last night [to little effect], Koog's struggling to add new players, and now that Dennis Wise has been brought in by Mark Ashley to breathe down Kevin's neck, one wonders when the rains will come.

In light of this development, we're begun the Koogan Klockwatch.

Thanks to Bigus Dickus, we have the Meter in place, and we'll bring you updates whenever these bloody Magpies can find themselves a goal.

We don't expect to have to update this very often.

After the jump, the game tally.

LAST EPL GOAL: Nicky Butt, 56" at Chelsea - Dec. 29th

SINCE THEN:
Newcastle 0, Man City 2 - Jan. 2nd
Man Utd 6, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 12th
Newcastle 0, Bolton 0 - Jan. 19th**
Arsenal 3, Newcastle 0 - Jan. 29th**

** under Koogan

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