The SAFallus!

From our BFF c0rrine (that was us IMing her), this was seen during the Hamburg v. Man City match....

Behold, the SAFallus!

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Thursday Backpasses: Merseyside respect

This is how you celebrate a goal, if you want to go to jail [ONTD]
Could Portland lose their MLS bid? [The 24th Minute]
If not, then why is Montreal money-man still working on bid? [Match Fit USA]
Little Roo to be birthed early, as not to be inconvenient [Off The Post]

Klinsi did not appreciate this photoshop [The Sun]
Whoa, Mark Viduka is still in the league? [BBC]
Pires enjoyed coming back to North London. Except for the game part [Arsenal]
For some reason, Italian officials did not want the Beckhams to buy and update a castle [Luxist]

Finally:
Who knew Cruz was a fan of Gram Parsons? [Kickette]

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UEFA Cup Open Thread

Or, phrased more honestly: "Does anyone care about the UEFA Cup? Here's an open thread to say yes or no."

Frivolity and Citeh lineup after the jump.

History buffs will be unsurprised to learn that one of the two remaining French teams has already capitulated, as PSG were stomped 3-0 by Dynamo Kyiv. Le ouch.

Citeh just kicked-off, with a 2-goal deficit to dig themselves out of. LFC showed it can be done, although let's just end comparisons between Liverpool and Citeh there, shall we?

Citeh v. Hamburg (1-3 agg)
Citeh: Given Richards, Onuoha, and Dunne in the lineup, it's safe to say they have no possible Bridge to the semi-finals. Zabaleta and Kompany might have something to say about it, but they're as smooth in attack as the Republic of Ireland are in World Cup qualifiers. Elano, Robinho, Caicedo = I came, I dribbled, I fired wide.

Subs: Hart, Garrido, Petrov, Fernandes, Evans, Sturridge, Logan.

Hamburg: Rost, Boateng, Gravgaard, Mathijsen, Jansen, Pitroipa, Jarolim, Aogo, Trochowski, Guerrero, Olic.

Subs: Hesl, Da Silva, Petric, Ndjeng, Rincon, Schulz, Torun.

No such mirth possible there.

Other games:
Marseille 0-0 Shakhtar Donetsk
Udinese 0-0 Werder Bremen


BIG SHINY UPDATE FROM THE BREAKING NEWS DEPARTMENT:
Hamburg just scored -- think one German lad passed it to another before the ball was nudged into goal past the shadow-that-once-was-Shay-Given. Let's just ignore this competition and pretend it never happened, shall we?

(5 minutes later)

But wait! Citeh have a penalty! And they score it, via Elano! 1-1 on the night, and only 2 more goals to go. As you were, gentlemen. If Hamburg score again, you can forget it.

Read more on "UEFA Cup Open Thread"...

Europe? Meh. England Is Back On Top.

So we are down to the final four in Europe's biggest competition. United will play Arsenal and Barcelona will take on Spartak Laaaandon in the semis of the Champions League. So that's 3 of the 4 teams from England, and at least one English team is guaranteed a place in the final.

Spanish and Italian teams used to be so strong, but not any more. This will drive UEFA nuts!

This year's final will be the fifth occasion IN A ROW that an English side has been to the big dance. Surely there is absolutely no doubt that the rest of Europe now ranks waaaaaaay behind the standards of English football.

Arsenal's beat-down of Villareal, Liverpool's arse-kicking of Real Madrid, they point to not just better, but much better. The Premier League has been regarded as the World's Best League for quite a while, but now there is absolutely no doubt. It's head and shoulders above the rest.

But Bigus... ain't that down to plenty of foreigners in the EPL?

Hmmm. Good point me. Lets see shall we.

Arsenal are a foreign invasion but in Walcott, Wilshere and Gibbs, you have 3 English players ready to step up. Gibbs has already established himself as a back-up at left back this term.

Man U have Scholes, Hargreaves, Ferdinand, Rooney, Brown, Carrick, Neville, Foster, Martin and Eckersley.

West Ham have 8, Villa have 10, Everton 8, Spurs 13, Citeh 8, Boro 12, Wigan 9..You get the point.

While Chelsea and Arsenal have just 4-5 Englishmen in their squads and Liverpool just 2, it matters little. See, the rest of the league benefits from the experience playing these sides has to offer.

Just look at Bolton at Stamford Bridge last weekend. Or Hull at Anfield? While the quality of the Top 4 is clearly there for all to see and largely financed by big pockets, everyone is a winner and this is clearly evident when looking at the national team.

The England team is benefiting greatly from housing the best league in the World. The team is improved; unbeaten in WC qualifying and up to 7th in the World rankings. Players like Heskey, Lennon, Agbonlahor, Young, Barry, Crouch, Johnson, Upson, Lescott, Jagielka, Downing, Carlton Cole and a host of fringe players are flourishing in the EPL and reaping the benefits of such a high standard of football.

Upson: Benefits from playing the best Europe has to offer.

Spain, Italy, Germany?

Their domestic leagues are losing ground and need to do something before they fall too far behind. Spain may be European Champions but consider this: 5 of their best players ply their trade in the EPL (Reina, Torres, Arbeloa, Riera and Alonso).

As for the rest? They are on the way. Villa, Senna, Ramos, Capdevila and Silva are all sort after and available for the right price. Villa is set to break transfer records this summer. Valencia and Villareal are skint and its no secret they need the cash, so moves for Silva, Villa and Senna to Man City, Liverpool, United or Chelsea looks likely this summer.

The current dominance of English football will be driving UEFA and Michel Platini nuts. He hates England with a passion and wants to implement many rules to stifle the English game and level the playing field; no foreign owners and smaller squads are just a couple of his ideas.

He, along with FIFA duffer Sepp Blatter want to impose a 6 + 5 rule to English teams, guaranteeing 6 English players on every starting 11. While some in England see this move as a leveler to combat the influx of foreign talent as a great way to bring through English talent, I honestly believe differently.

To improve and flourish, you must play the best and prove yourself. The previous lack of young English kids coming through Premier League clubs says more about the youth structure, coaching and national initiatives than it does for the heavy competition.

Competition is the only way to go. And there is no better competition for places than in the Premier League. Capello sees it and England fans should be laughing right now. I know I haven't been this excited about the national team's prospects since... well, I can't remember.

-Bigus

Read more on "Europe? Meh. England Is Back On Top."...

This should make for an awkward conversation

Frank Lampard's having a fine season on the pitch. Instrumental for his team in their drunk punch-out with Liverpool on Tuesday, playing well in the EPL, and keeping his club competitive on three two fronts.

Off the field, it's not so good. His recent split from his fiancee Elen Rives has been difficult, although by the looks of this picture above, he's found some rather attractive, though disheveled, counsel to aid the healing process.

She joined Lamps for dinner on Wednesday with his dad and teammates Petr Cech (he dropped his silverware within minutes of sitting down!) and Henrique Hilario (who?) to celebrate their passage to the semi-finals of the Champions League, and had a good night, going on to a nightclub with the brunette for a few night-caps.

However, John Terry may have rocked things a little bit. Who was his dinner accompaniment the other night? Lamps' ex.

Hit it, Daily Mail! To the Gossipcopter!

As the Man of the Match dined at the Italian restaurant, his former love was less than a mile down the road at Japanese eaterie Zuma in Knightsbridge with Terry and his wife Toni. Zuma is Rives's favourite restaurant and the scene was many a romantic dinner date with Lampard.

Despite calling off their engagement two months ago, it appears Spanish beauty Rives, 30, is still very much a part of the Chelsea social circle.The mother-of-two has been friends with Terry's wife Toni for several years and attended the couple's 2007 wedding with Lampard.

I'm sure it's all fine. I mean, my best mate and his wife have dinner with my exes all the time. Totally natural.

The fact that they went to a regular date spot for Lamps and Rives is an especially nice flourish to the tale, and I'm sure they'll have plenty to talk about as they prep for the FA Cup semi-final this weekend.

*sigh*

Slow news days bring out the gossipmonger in me. For shame.

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Liverpool and the Transfer Market

Rafa: bought more downers than Amy Winehouse

As we get over the CL quarters, I thought I'd pinch an idea from The Likely Lad (well, I am a Scouser, after all) and look at Rafa's work in the transfer market since his arrival in 2004.

With all the momentum lately, as well as the slowly swelling hubbub of speculated Anfield departures, it's worth taking a look at some of the more memorable ups and downs of the fat Spanish waiter's signings and pink slips.

And yes, it's a slow news day as well.


Fernando Torres (Atletico Madrid, 20.2 million, July 2007)
THE GOLDEN CHILD, NATCH

Considering some of the colossal flops up front in Rafa's reign (see further down), Torres was the answer to the striking woes that have haunted the club since the retirement of Ian Rush. A predator, a battler, a trickster and a goalscorer, he's in it for the long haul. We hope.


Xabi Alonso (Real Sociedad, 10.75 million, August 2004)
Dirk Kuyt (Feyenoord, 9 million, August 2006)
THE MOST UNSUNG HEROES

If you looked at the Liverpool squad of today, you'd have to credit these two for being far more important to the cause than they're currently acknowledged.

Alonso is that rarest of breeds: a quiet Spaniard, he of the burgeoning face-scruff and alarmingly accurate passing. Known to control games like his country's bullfighters tame angry bovines, Xabi is a perfect, serene counterpoint to the badge-kissing mania of Gerrard and the sweaty, defensive hysteria of Mascherano (another massively important buy, one I excluded from this list).

He is the conductor, the maestro, the straw that stirs the drink, allowing his more fiery teammates to play their natural games without worrying about that patch of grass around the center circle.

While Alonso gains plaudits and praise whenever Mascherano or Lucas get themselves sent off or whenever Stevie G's groin or hamstring crumbles like the Temple of Doom, the facially-challenged Dutchman has been just as vital.

Unlike the large portion of footballers who are arm-flailing, ref-complaining divas, Dirk has played wherever and whenever without complaint, never giving anything less than his best effort (despite sometimes looking agonizingly uncoordinated at times), scoring important/ugly goals and keeping a low profile.

Without 'em, we're looking at the UEFA Cup. Sorry, Europa League.


Martin Skrtel (Zenit St. Petersburg, 6.5 million, January 2008)
SCARY DIAMOND IN THE RUSSIAN/SLOVAKIAN ROUGH

Credit to Zenit for becoming the de facto talent machine that was Dario Gradi's Crewe Alexandra in the 80s and 90s. With the big names like Pavlyuchenko (crap) and Arshavin (not crap) taking the spotlight, it's easy to forget that this sure-footed center-back (PLEASE don't use him on the right again) honed his skills there, and was bought for a good price considering how tight the Russkies keep their fists when it comes to transfer fees.

Sure-footed, decisive, and downright scary (I swear I've seen him holding an AK-47 somewhere...), he is an able candidate to hold down one of those CB spots for many years to come. Now we just need Agger to heat his cold feet...


Andrea Dossena (Udinese, 8 million, July 2008)
Philipp Degen (Borussia Dortmund, Free, July 2008)
Jose Miguel Gonzalez Rey (Josemi) (CD Malaga, 2 million, July 2004. Sold to Villareal, Free, January 2006)
Sebastian Leto (Lanus, 2.5 million, July 2007)
Gabriel Paletta (Banfield, 2 million, July 2006. Released August 2007)
Antonio Barragan (Sevilla, 240k, July 2005. Sold to Deportivo La Coruna, 680k, August 2006)
I WANT MY MONEY BACK FOR THESE FULL BACKS

(Yes, that's what Philipp Degen looks like, above)

There are some positions you just don't skimp on. World-class full-backs aren't cheap, and yet this collection of scrap metal have cost about as much combined as perhaps one Bosingwa or Sergio Ramos might on the open market. 15+ million pounds wasted on Argentine rubbish and lesser-known European twaddle.

Dossena's temporarily reprieved because of his knack of scoring late, meaningless goals in heavy wins, but take those two strikes away (and how gorgeous that finish at Old Trafford was, mind you), and you're looking at someone with a worse left foot than Daniel Day Lewis in that movie, and about as mobile/charismatic, too.

This collective of flank-dwelling drivel is perfectly suited to the defensively-carefree frolic of La Liga, where attackers hold sway and fans enjoy seeing 7 goals a game.


Ryan Babel (Ajax, 11.5 million, July 2007)
THE ENIGMA

You know the type; the player with tons of talent and tons more ego who secures a big move to a marquee club only to falter, languish, before flourishing and living up to full potential elsewhere.

I fear this might be the case for young Ryan. When he begins his mazy gallop upfield, you just know it's a matter of time before he either trips over the ball or surrenders it meekly to whatever opposition traffic cone stands before him. It's frustrating to watch, and it's a big reason why he's found himself warming the pine behind Riera and the Super Jew.

That said, these things take time; could he eventually blossom, or is his confidence shot for as long as he's at Anfield? All these prodigious young talents need to marinate. Walcott was thrown in at the deep end but eventually proved his worth, and once he did, a spot in the starting lineup was assured.

Babel's glaring open-goal miss against Pompey might have been the final nail in his coffin, but let's be honest; the lad does try, albeit a little too much. When introduced late in games, he will dribble until his feet detach at the ankles, and that's part of the problem. Strapping the team to your back in search of a late winner or equalizer is noble, but he forgets that there's 9 other numpties in Red stood around him, trying to accomplish the same goal. In short: FUCKING PASS IT SOMETIMES!!!

With his raw pace, lazy dribbling and erratic finishing, he'd be perfect at Arsenal, although knowing our luck, he'd become the new Thierry Henry (settle down, NY Kid).


Jermaine Pennant (Birmingham City, 6.7 million, July 2006)
Mark Gonzalez (Albacete, 1.5 million, July 2005. Sold to Real Betis, 3.5 million, July 2007)
WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH THE RIGHT WING?

When I was a teenager, Steve McManaman had the right flank on lockdown, and rightly so; he was a gangly, awkward looking fella, but he was deadly moving forward. Scored a boatload of goals from the wing, gave defenders nightmares, and always had fun in the process. Fast forward to the present day, and we can't find a right-winger to save our lives, so much so that our workhorse striker has been converted into a solution out wide.


Robbie Keane (Spurs, 19 million, July 2008. Sold to Spurs, 15 million, January 2009)
Peter Crouch (Southampton, 7 million, July 2005. Sold to Portsmouth, 11 million, July 2008)
Fernando Morientes (5.5 million, January 2005, Real Madrid. Sold to Valencia, 3.1 million, May 2006)
Andrei Voronin (Bayer Leverkusen, Free, July 2007. Loaned to Hertha Berlin, July 2008)
Craig Bellamy (Blackburn Rovers, 6 million, July 2006. Sold to West Ham United, 7.5 million, July 2007)
WE GONNA ROCK DOWN TO FAILED STRIKER AVENUE

All of these guys have a pedigree of sorts, and yet they were all shite at Anfield. Proof positive that not all great players can be great everywhere they go. Maybe we had these one/two season wonders during their crisis of confidence phase, and we were just unlucky. Maybe there's no such thing as a sure thing up front.

Maybe Rafa's just not that good at evaluating talent, although to be fair, you can go back a lot further than Benitez to find agony up front: Stan Collymore, Djibril Cisse, El Hadji Diouf, Emile Heskey, Anthony Le Tallec, Milan Baros, Florent Sinama-Pongolle, Titi Camara, Karl Heinze Riedle.

If you add up the money spent on these 5, plus the other 9 I mentioned, and you have nearly 70 million pounds.

Fuck. The mind boggles.

How many David Villas does that buy?

Read more on "Liverpool and the Transfer Market"...

WWOS: Who Would Obama Support?

Say it ain't so, B.O.!!"
Bigus again with the magical photo work

There's been some speculation-- that's to say, full-throated debate, hair-pulling, and name-calling-- in these quarters over what footy club the President of the United States would/should/does support.

In his column for the NYT Monday, George Vescey referenced Mr. Obama's [loose] ties to West Ham. But that's hard for a lot of us here to swallow. This president isn't blowing anything... least among them, Bubbles. Forever. And we can say, though I'll have to confirm with GBWTF, that his style sense is about 3,745 notches above your classiest Hammer chav.

Join me for some baseless speculation... after the jump!


So what is it really for El Presidente?

We know Mexico and South America are weighing heavily on his mind these days, and given his concern about access to higher education, might he be on the blackberry right now finding the best price for the new Estudiantes strip?



Or, given his success with the latino electorate in SoCal, perhaps there's a Chivas scarf in his closet?



He seems pretty popular in Germany-- could Mr. Obama be a closet Hertha freak?



The President has been derided in some trog righty circles as being too quick to please Europe. So, as far as pleasing in Europe goes, would it be so far-fetched to suspect he has a soft spot for the Nou Camp Catalans? They're clever, successful... beautiful to watch...


Uncle Leo Wants You!

And then there's always the possibility that Barack's African, Southeast Asian, and Muslim roots have pointed him toward the likes of Hearts of Oak or Haras El Hodoud.

Just some test balloons here. So what is it UF, who does the president support? Who should he support? Please back up your opinion with some implausible-yet-empirical evidence!



p.s. He's not, nor would he ever be a Gooner. It's a weak argument, so don't bother.

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Wednesday Backpasses: Don't tread

Whose goal was better? [ONTD]
Other looks at Hillsborough, 20 years on [The Big Lead] and [Avoiding the Drop]
The Onion has a laugh, as usual [Run of Play]
Is Uncle Avram going to take over for Guus? [The Beautiful Game]

This is, at best, tangentially related to our mission here, but hey, female streaker [The Spoiler]
Even across the pond they are gleeful at the impending end of Tommy Smyth on ESPN [Guardian]
Xabi=Eeyore [Guardian]
New Power Rankings from [The Offside]

Finally:
7 footie related rap videos. What could be better? [The Best Eleven]

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

Everyone loves a bad shirt. Not to wear, mind you, but to laugh at. Every once in a while, we get tips at the email address pointing us toward some other horror. I appreciate the links, but it's rare to see a shirt I had no idea existed and am repulsed by. Yesterday brought one of those emails.

CA Spora Luxembourg existed from 1923 until 2005, when it merged with two other clubs to form Racing FC Union Luxembourg. Now that's a mouthful. Anyway, the club was moderately successful, winning the league 11 times and the cup eight times. Spora made 11 European appearances as well, even winning two matches in the process, though never advancing out of the first round.

Now that you know the background, let's look at the shirt.


Since the phantom emailer (whom I will gladly name or link to should he or she get back to me and approve) was compiling his or her own list on bad shirts, he or she will get first words on what you are looking at. (seriously, please get back to me, the "male or female" bits are the scourge of the English language)

Came across your enjoyable blog whilst compiling my own top ten of egregious football shirts. Needless to say, there was a lot of overlap, but I was surprised to find the aberration which topped my own list thus far absent from yours. I give you (with the original commentary):

1: Spora Luxembourg, early 90s. How about this for an overdose of what-the-shuddering-fuck? The broad interrupted stripes make my head spin. The lurid primary colours set my eyelid twitching. The less said about the white wedge thing, the better. But what really drives me over the edge is the beehive/cobweb/old lady's pashmina pattern on the sleeves. Christ on stilts, we have a winner!

And that's how you ingratiate yourself with us--call our blog enjoyable before you point out our failings. Easy enough?

Anyway, yes, this shirt is horrific. It comes from the 1990-91 season. Interestingly enough, this shirt appeared right after Spora won its last domestic title in 1989. Is that a coincidence? I leave you to decide for yourself.

What strikes me when looking at this shirt, beyond the obviously ugly nature of it all, it the shirt's manufacturer. We have met before. Now I have proof that they worked as poorly in color as they did in black and white. When the calenders turned to 1990, did these teams say "let's find the worst short maker imaginable and give them business"? Because Blacky was definitely that bad.

To expand on the emailer's points above, I have to note both the sleeve cuffs, which appear rather restrictive, and that horrible V-necked collar. The collar is especially bad because, right where the ladies would be able to see a tuft of manly chest hair (remember the year here), Blacky put a swatch of blue cloth. As if the morals of the day dictated that any such display of upper chest would be lawless. WASP-y behavior, to be sure.

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CL Liveblog: Manchester United v. Porto

If we have to explain, it's already too late
Credit to Bigus

United's war on five fronts can come to a merciful end this evening with anything less than total victory at FC Porto's Estádio do Dragão. But as ever, even when it's not about Liverpool, it's about Liverpool. The Reds supporter is in an awkward position this hour-- does he root for a bloody end to his sworn enemy's European campaign... or does he get out his wiles, and Manc crest, and pull for United to ride into Porto and slay the Hulk, thus ensuring more fixture congestion and "nightmarish rotation hell??" We already know Bad Karma Bursitis's feelings on the issue. Those are his quotes a few words back, and he was not-at-all quietly rooting for the Reds to lose, gracefully, but lose on aggregate to Chelsea yesterday.

ED'S ADDENDUM: To clarify, I absolutely did not root for my team to lose yesterday. I merely said if we did lose, I wouldn't take it as painfully as any other loss. Plus, some stuff about being healthy, focused, etc. I will root for United to win today though, simply because I wish for their tired, flagging squad to be buried under an avalanche of more fixtures. Anything to keep their focus away from the EPL.

LAD'S ADDENDUM TO ED'S ADDENDUM: Pithy, elegant, but ultimately, untrue.

Sadly, the level-headed among us know that Liverpool in 2009 is no Russia in Winter 1942. I'd say they're more like Holland in Spring 1940-- talk a big game, puff their chests a bit, but ultimately destined for quiet capitulation.

So there's the intrigue. As for the game at hand: the ball is round, the tie is square (or, more honestly, it's rhombus, tilting in Porto's direction under the weight of their two massive away goals), and we are set to watch Manc blood flow like the Mondego!!

Oh, and for the rest of our Iberian-interest crowd, I'll be sure to check in on Villareal's afternoon playdate with Uncle Arsene and his Super Adventure Club.

The madness begins... after the hop.



FC Porto XI: Helton, Sapunaru, Rolando, Alves, Cissokho, Gonzalez, Fernando, Meireles, Lopez, Hulk, Rodriguez.

Subs: Nuno, Stepanov, Guarin, Mariano Gonzalez, Costa, Madrid, Farias.

Note: Porto's lineup is unchanged from Old Trafford. However, manager Jesualdo Ferreira is banned through an old, since appealed and reduced UEFA suspension. BBC is reporting a rumor that he's not even sticking around the stadium to watch the game. Don't blame him if it's true-- better to go home, have a drink, and check the score online every 15 mins. Less stressful.

Man Utd XI: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Anderson, Carrick, Giggs, Ronaldo, Berbatov, Rooney.

Subs: Foster, Neville, Evans, Nani, Scholes, Tevez, Macheda.

Note: Big changes for SAF. After fielding a 75% strength side in the first leg, it's Luftwaffe, Panzer divisions, etc.. all barreling toward the front.

(In London, it's a makeshift Gooner backline, with Gibbs, Silvestre, and Eboue being trusted to protect Fabianski from what are sure to be braver-than-usual-advances from the Yellow Submarine, who themselves are without Marcos Senna.)

4 mins to kickoff: Yesssss. The Anthem! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmpionsssss!!!

2 mins to kickoff: Porto fans doing some scary call and response business with the PA. No English team has ever won here, as we've been told 8,764 times in the past fortnight. But still, it's a precedent, no?

0:00 : AAAAnd we are underway. Our friends at ESPN2 confirm the bit about Ferreira not being in the stadium.

1 min: No HD tonight?

2 min: A clever build up from United ends with a Rooney cross cleared by a Porto noggin. Berbatov recovers the ball, but is ultimately dispossessed.

3 min: Free kick for Porto from 30 yards and an angle.

Hulk is the man who has a go-- skips low and into van der Saar's gut.

4 min: Lopez runs at the United defense... Ferdinand prevails, but Porto look to be their old attacking selves from the first leg.

6 min: Nothing was happening.. then Ronaldo scores from 40(???) yards out!!

Tommy Smyth says 35 yards. So 40 it is.

United 1, Porto 0 (United 3, Porto 2 on agg)

9 min: Anderson and Lucho Gonzalez, Porto captain and form United player, collide on the Porto side of the halfway line. Lucho prevails in the writhing contest.

10 mins: Tommy Smyth Wisdom: United have been hurt by the absence of Rio Ferdinand.

11 min: Porto looking about us stunned as I feel. Most of the play is in the middle third.

12 min: Lasagne Boy Carrick tries his luck from just outside the 18-yard box. Alas, he is not Ronaldo and it's a goal kick.

But United are right back in. Rooney's swinging cross falls on vacant green.

15 min: United are playing games with Porto in the midfield. Congested, as Rooney and Berbatov are both dropping back. Still, United tap dance around.

17 min: Carrick's run is halted by... Ronaldo, who'd drifted in... Porto take possession, but Cissokho throws in a weak cross for van der Saar to collect.

18 min: Carrick is down with a nick. Why? Cos Ronaldo stomped on his foot on the way up the field before.

18 min: Scholes getting warm.. just in case.

20 min: Lopez brought down by Carrick 25 yards out. Free kick for Porto.

Alves takes it...

...and licks one about a yard or so wide of van der Saar. Daaamn. Boy kick ball hard.

22 min: Getting chippy in the midfield. Anderson in none to pleased with a Lucho tackle.

24 min: Porto with some possession, but only on the perimeter. Attacking throw.

25 min: Lopez tries to bicycle boot one past van der Saar.. this is made more difficult by Ferdinand, who shoves him to the ground as he turns. No whistle-- a theme for the night?

26 min: Porto midfield starting assert themselves. Still, no REAL chances. Speculative through balls all cut off by the Vidic-Ferdinand Axis.

28 min: a weak clearance/pass from Giggs gives up possession. Porto counter with an awkward cross to Hulk, who's waiting in the box. The ball skips through his legs, and United take a clearance.

29 min: Lucho is down for the count. And as per usual, with (seemingly) real injuries, there was no contact. Just and awkward kick and slip. He's gripping his knee... we'll see. Either a torn ACL or he's back in 10 seconds. Ten months or ten seconds. That's the rule for footy injuries.

30 min: Berbatov lays one off for Ryan Giggs, who doesn't miss by much. United now pressing for a second.

Rooney playing behind Ronaldo at this point...

31 min: Gonzalez on for Lucho, who is, apparently, actually injured. United's luck.

33 min: and our esteemed announcing tandem do their best apologies for Giggs outrageous PFA nomination. He's a sub, shit.

35 min: Old Onion Man points out that, with all the players gone to ground, it must be slippery. That, and it's definitely Portugal.

35 min: I'm not just lazy/stupid... there's not much going on in the way of chances. Spoiled by yesterday? Perhaps.

38 min: Rooney is limping and Lingering is whining. All is right with the world.

38 min: OOOOoooh see that? Metataaaaarsal, eh??

39 min: Helton comes out to challenge Ronaldo near the touch line... ends up kicking it out for a corner...

Carrick receives the corner, then shoots into a crowd of United players. Happily, Macheda is not there to re-direct.

Seriously, as great the first Macheda winner was, the second could've been the work of a heavy traffic cone.

41 min: The cards are finally out... as Vidic sees YELLOW for scything down Rodriguez. Free kick...

43 min: Hulk flies a weakass balloon into vdS's arms. United counter... Ronaldo is pulled down just outside the box. He earned one there... but it's a corner.

44 min: Giggs corner is flicked on by O'Shea to Vidic who slides and puts a golden opportunity into the stands.

45 min: 2 mins until my halftime burrito.

45 + 1 min: Ronaldo free kick is floated across the box, where Porto take over...

45 + 2 min: A Lopez long-range effort is smothered by van der Saar. Bruno Alves header from 10 mins back stands as Porto's best chance.

45 + 3 min: Giggs cross kicked, oddly, away by Porto keeper Helton.

HALFTIME.

First commercial is...

Heineken. Pure class. Chaaaaaaaahmmpiooooooons!

Now for 20 mins of Soccer.com and... wait, no Proactiv? That's next season I guess.

So advertisers think we are:

Beer-drinking, boot-buying, lawn-week murderers. Got it one-third right, I suppose.

Burrrittos!

(microwaving)

Meanwhile, halftime as well in London, where Le Arse lead 1-0, 2-1 on aggregate. Walcott is the goal scorer, so commence the buggery circles.

By the way-- anyone else get the email about the Macheda jerseys from WorldSoccerShop?

"Represent United's Newest Star Federico Macheda" ...is their pitch. Mehh.

Not the best microwaved Chicken Chimichanga I've had, Jose Ole, not the best.

Chhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmpions! (Never. gets. old.)

I will never get AT&T. That commercial was officious. Seduce a woman with two-word text messages? I'd need at least 3.

Back underway!!!

46 min: a downpour now in Portugal. Only going to get murkier on that pitch.

46 min: Berbatov played through by Rooney, but strikes one right into Helton's chest. Porto clear the lines.

47 min: Football in RAIN??? Certainly not, Tommy. Not suitable at all.

48 min: Miereles slices a wide-open chance from the top of the United box. Tails away and away and ends up with the fans.

50 min: Gonzalez-Meireles-Gonzalez-Hulk-Section 334 behind the United goal.

52 min: Meireles attempts to give Ryan Giggs the Heimlich near the center line. Giggs picks the ball up before he could have possible heard a whistle.. which comes, eventually. Of course.

53 min: Cissokho hip checks Ronaldo... free kick from 30...

Giggs with a taut, but ultimately lacking in pace ball into the box... Helton collects.

55 min: Meireles heads wide on a clever Gonzalez cross. He was marked, but still got a piece. End result: NIL.

57 min: Patrice Evra's face, meet Mariano Gonzalez. There Will Be (is) Blood.

Free kick for Porto. Dangerous spot, to van der Saar's left.

Hulk?

Bruno flying in?

Hulk rips one right into the Dutch keeper's chest. Cleared.

60 min: Rodriguez wheels around, but outside, the United defense. Shoots wide.

Evra ends up with a Yellow for the challenge that led to earlier free kick.. and the bleeding of his own blood.

UPDATE: Super Adventure Club 2, Villareal 0. That's that.

61 min: United looking for that second goal now. Berbatov follows a blind cross by whacking Sapunaru to the ground. Ref sees. Does No-thing.

64 min: Farias for Rodriguez, for Porto. Second substitute for the Portuguese. Rodriguez ran 7.15 km. So you know.

66 min: Ronaldo feeds Rooney into the right side of the box, his cross pushed out for a corner.

Giggs's kick is headed off into the stratosphere.

AAAnd back in. For another corner.

Giggs again...

Steered away. Anderson intercepts, but his pass back to Giggs is snuffed out. We're back into the midfield.

68 min: SO... QUESTION? Do United not have any TALISMANIC players? They are on pace to win FIVE trophies. Yet, still, no talisman. Strange, that.

69 min: Berbatov off for Nani

69 min: Rooney nearly bulls through the Porto box... ultimately cleared. But wow, great effort for England's best young temperamental Everton fan.

71 min: Vidic gets a foot on a long, low cross. United do not look impossible to crack. But not likely either.

Carrick has run more than 8 km. He must be tired. Or not?

73 min: United are letting Porto hangaround. Hangeeng around, hangeeng around.

74 min: Hulk dribbles down to the byline, then plants one into the side netting. Goal kick. Hanging around, but not doing much else.

75 min: Porto win a corner!!!!!!!

It's their first.. and it's headed a mile wide by the misfiring Bruno Alves.

76 min: Giggs and Rooney JUST miss running tap and go on the edge of the Porto box. That goes through to Giggs and it's Goodnight, Porto.

78 min: corner, another!, to Porto.

Anderson off for Paul Scholes. Both sides have now used 2 subs.

79 min: Kick floats past van der Saar, right onto Rolando's head... but... ahhhhhh, he put's it wide from just right of the post.

80 min: Sapunaru off for Tomas Costa. Last change for Porto.

81 min: Hulk long-range blast tipped for a corner.

Farias hooks on to it, but cycles over to put yet another Porto chance into the stands.

@umlaut yea, they're just playing for the long cross and header. Not the intense, driving to the net from the first leg...

83 min: Rooney tries his best impression of his teammate from 77 minutes earlier. Ball ends up in the ether.

85 min: United back the whole squad into the box and still Porto fly test balloons over the defense.

Nachhh!!! Porto's best chance of the night is a laser from yards out, right into van der Saar's chest.

Man United hanging on now...

87 min: United making in-roads now on the left. Giggs wins a corner. Tick tick tick

88 min: Giggs is your man of the match, if not for Ronaldo's singular moment. He's everywhere. PFA, hell yea!

89 min: Costa cross is muffed by Farias. Porto just cannot got a header on goal.

Twitchy bum time, regardless. Thanks, Mr. Rae, for introducing "twitchy" to the discourse.

90 min: Mr. Hulk slices another wide from just outside the corner of the 18-yard box.

Three minutes added.

90 + 1 min: Ronaldo with a clever low ball that Helton just nips wide. Another corner. United are looking like they're though. THEY ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN.

90 + 2 min: Porto cannot get out of their own end.

90 + 3 min: Porto have one last rush...

...but nothing comes of it. Again. A failed header.

It's over in Porto.

Instand Postgame Analysis: Porto never had a chance. That United goal could've come in the 6th... or the 86th minute. United were always going to win. And "rotation hell" or not, they're probably going to win every trophy this year. When it matters, they buckle down.

Finally this evening, a big congrats to Lingering Bursitis. His midweek dream has been fulfilled.

Signing off. It's been a pleasure.

UNITED 1(3), PORTO 0(2)... MANCHESTER UNITED GO THROUGH ON AGG, WILL PLAY ARSENAL IN SEMI-FINAL, BEGINNING APRIL 29

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