Friday, December 19, 2008

Colaship Review - Half Time Report.



Yeah...I was slack last week. There was no review. Sorry folks. But this week its a bumper edition to satisfy your aching desire for knowledge of what lies beyond the Premier League's cellar door. Besides, if anyone suffered from a lack of a Colaship review last week, it was Bigus. I missed a wonderful opportunity to gloat with many pictures and kind words (finally) about my beloved Norwich City. What's that? I can back-date that boastful gloating? Really? Yay! Norwich 2 Ipswich 0. Who's the pride of Anglia? Norwich..Norwich. Who's the pride of Anglia? Norwich is our name... All together now...

OK, that's enough. Let's get to it. Follow me after the jump for a look at the runners, riders, and crocked one-legged donkeys of the Coca Cola Championship as we reach the half-way point of the season.




Oh dear... How did that get in there? Sorry folks. That was weird.

Right. Onwards we shall go...

The Wolverhampton Wanderers express train to the Premier League is showing no signs of slowing down. At the half-way mark, Wolves have 53 points and they are well on course to bust 100 points and 100 goals. A real rarity. They have lost just one of their last 11 games, the 1-0 defeat to QPR at Loftus Road. Wolves have been nearly men, in and around the playoffs, for the last few years but this year it has all just clicked. Fair play to Mick McCarthy, he has done a super job and the Wolves scouting system has allowed him to nab some real bargains in players who are now coveted by Premier League teams.

But can he hold onto them come January? Sylvain Ebanks-Blake, Andy Keogh and the young keeper Hennessey have many top-flight admirers. If they can keep this pace up after Christmas they will be up by the start of April.

Birmingham City are chugging along nicely. They lost at Preston last weekend and are currently 6 points behind neighbors Wolves, but there is no need to panic. McLeish is no great manager and highly over rated in my opinion but he has a very experienced and talented squad. Before Preston they had lost just one in nine. QPR again! The West Londoners certainly have an eye for beating the top sides. Bongo FC may not gain automatic promotion, I believe that Reading will occupy the second spot come May, but they will be in the play-offs for sure.

I mentioned QPR, so let's discuss them. They have definitely underachieved this season given the amount of new players they have signed. A change of management hasn't made a lot of difference to the West Laaandon team to be honest. Since appointing Paulo Sousa, QPR are still pretty inconsistent. While they have shown they can beat the top teams like Birmingham and Wolves, they have recently lost to Sheffield Wednesday, Burnley and Watford, while drawing with Plymouth and Palace. They will need to find some form if they are to make the play-offs in the second half of the campaign as some of the teams above them are currently flying.

One of those teams is Burnley and what a season they are having. Not only have they dispatched of Fulham, Arsenal and Chelsea in the Carling Cup to reach a semi-final showdown with Spurs, they have been amazing in the colaship. They currently occupy 4th spot in the table, losing just two of their last twelve fixtures. Bloody Burnley have certainly set out their stall for a play-off spot come May.

Burnley mascot 'Stan'. He's a happy chap!


Reading have being going strong this season, they may have had the odd slip up to teams such as Southampton and Preston but they have also scored 48 goals. Only Wolves have scored more. The Royals currently sit in third, one point away from Bongo FC. I can see Reading finishing second leaving Bongo to fight it out with the play-off final hopefuls, such as Burnley, Palace and Sheffield United. Reading have lost just three of their last seventeen games. Impressive indeed.

Photobucket
Where did that come from? Super weird..Oh well.

At the bottom of the table it's tighter than a Wall Street wallet right now. There is just a four point gap from the bottom three to Southampton in 21st and ALL three basement dwellers are on 18 points.

Southampton are in real trouble. Financially they are proper f-cked. The sales of Theo Walcott, Gareth Bale, Chris Baird and Kenwyne Jones to Premier League teams should have helped, but where has the cash gone? This January they will likely be forced to sell the next crop of promising youngsters. Adam Lallana and Andrew Surman will likely be flogged in an effort to balance the books. But, the three million they get for those two will not be close to enough to make a dent in their debt.

The Saints have won just once at St Mary's this season and the crowds are disappearing fast. They have also won just one of their last eight games, beating Reading if you can believe it. I see Southampton following Leeds and Leicester through the League One trap door. They can blame mismanagement at the board room level for this mess and for appointing inexperienced dutch manager Jan Poortvliet, but having an answer to the problems will be of no solace to the suffering Saints fans as money doesn't grow on trees and Jan won't turn into Johan over night.

Adam Lallana. Off in January?


Norwich are currently 5 points from the bottom and have been having a stinker of a year. Awful football and a solid defence was the state of affairs early on and now they are playing tasty football, but couldn't defend a 2-ft goal from a 3-ft beach ball. Still, while the defense is something that can be fixed, the inability to play football and to create and convert chances is something entirely different. Now City have found their attacking feet, a couple of new faces in defence should sort out the back line. City have given up some sloppy goals in recent times and lost games they should have won with suicidal defending. The midfield is in fine form and now Roeder has discovered the five man midfield with Hoolahan excelling in the hole, he should feel confident that the Canaries will start to accumulate points.

Up top, on-loan striker Leroy Lita is probably going to be sold by Reading to a lower-ranked Premiership side, and Antoine Sibierski is returning to Wigan after failing to impress on loan. Carl Cort has signed until the end of the season and if he stays fit, he is a class act. That's a BIG if though, Cort has been plagued by injury in the recent years and he was nearly forced to retire.

City will need to find a forward in January as well as an answer to the injury torn defence. If no Premiership takers come in for Lita he could join City permanently, but I can see West Brom or Stoke snapping him up when the transfer window opens. The league position Norwich City currently find themselves in is a false one for sure and Bigus isn't worried. Norwich will continue to improve throughout the new year and if they can fix the leaky defence and gain some consistency in the defensive selection (there have been seven different center-back partnerships this season), they will finish mid-table.

Oops, I have no idea how this keeps happening!


Charlton, like Southampton, are also in jeopardy of disappearing to the misery of League One. Charlton's support has been terrific this season and even though they are in a relegation dogfight and currently second from bottom, twenty thousand punters stream through the gates weekly. Charlton fired Alan Pardew two weeks ago but interim gaffer Phil Parkinson isn't doing much better. Charlton have not won a game in their last thirteen.

I hope their losing ways continue for another weekend at least as Charlton visit Norwich tomorrow. Charlton had to sell a lot of their best players during the summer but they still have enough in the locker to survive. However I reckon they will need fresh blood on the coaching staff and Phil Parkinson will have to follow Pardew through the front door before things get better at the Valley. Parkinson still represents the Pardew era and change is likely the only way out of the mess they find themselves in.

Forest have been struggling to find the net recently but now that Earnshaw is back they should pick up points. They are in a bit of a false position for me and I can see them climbing out of the bottom three over the next couple of months. They have drawn too many games that they should have won recently and if they can score a few more at home they will be alright.

Bigus' Colaship predictions

Promoted
1. Wolves
2. Reading

Playoffs
3. Bongo FC
4. Sheffield United
5. Crystal Palace
6. Burnley

Relegated
22. Southampton
23. Barnsley
24. Doncaster

-Bigus.

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The EPL Weekend Ahead: The Return of Big Sam

How many EPL jobs can one man have before he's finally recognized as being useless?


Big Phil, move aside.

Big Sam is here, the face and charisma that launched a thousand ships. His working-class jowls and worry lines will dominate the sidelines this weekend, and if Blackburn dare get their new recycled gaffer a win, he'll dominate the headlines too.

But it's not all man boobs and malcontent in the EPL this week. No, there are a couple of Sunday humdingers that will surely underwhelm. We can hope for some excitement, scandal, intrigue or entertainment.

The thing is: will we receive it?

Blackburn v. Stoke
Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the New Manager Effect. I reckon the lads from Ewood will be up for this one now that they have Allardyce to impress. Stoke don't have Delap, so they're essentially useless. Blackburn 1, Stoke 0

Bolton v. Portsmouth
Draw draw draw draw draw. Megson v. Adams: the battle of two tactically-challenged, inept managers. The only thing that can prevail is complete and utter boredom. Bolton 1, Portsmouth 1

Fulham v. Middlesbrough
The home side are unbeaten in six, with four consecutive draws. They've scored just one goal in the last month. Meanwhile, 'Boro have only won once in their last seven. This is another snore-fest, folks. Hodgson will sneak it. Fulham 2, 'Boro 1

Hull v. Sunderland
The Keane-less Mackems are still without a sideline general, while Phil Brown can do no wrong at the KC Stadium. After tomorrow, they'll have more disciples in Yorkshire to the Cult. Hull 3, Sunderland 0

West Ham v. Aston Villa
The battle of the Clarets, as u75 calls it. It will not, however, be much of a battle in the scoreline. The Hammers are not pushovers, but O'Neill's men have a self-belief that might just see them secure fourth place over the Christmas holidays once and for all. West Ham 1, Aston Villa 2

West Brom v. Manchester City (Sunday)
It's the Take it to the bank special! Despite being dreadful away from home, Sparky can't possibly fuck this one up, can he? Then again, Robinho's struggling with ankle-knack... West Brom 0, Manchester City 2

Newcastle v. Tottenham (Sunday)
We can look forward to the Clash of Old-School, Wily, Loud-Mouthed Managers at St. James's Park, and this should actually be worth watching, unlike all the drivel tomorrow. As much as you must feel the urge to back 'Arry and his culture of winning narrowly, there is the imminent danger of Michael Owen. He's enjoying a couple of weeks of good form before his next injury, and you can never write that off. It's the ultimate intangible! Newcastle 2, Tottenham 2

Thirdsenal v. HopefullyStillFirsterpool (Sunday)
These games always seem so loaded with tension and title implications, but they peter out when it's time to hit the pitch. Will this weekend be any different? No Torres and no guarantee as to which Adebayor will show up means this is heading for the bore/score draw. Arsenal 1, Liverpool 1

Everton v. Spartak London (Monday)
I always swore I'd never ever root for the Toffees in any capacity. This monday might be the one time where such a practice is even considered. F*ck Tim Cahill to the deepest chasms of hell, but I'll cheer if he puts Big Phil Scolari's men further off the pace heading into Christmas itself. Realism kicks in just enough to tell me that this doomsday scenario will never come to fruition. Everton 1, Spartak London 3

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Methinks With that Name He Had Some Sort of Cosmic Advantage

First off, thanks to everyone who entered. We had about 25 total entries, which is a pretty solid voter turnout. And, given the results, I can say one thing without reservation: God, you people suck at prognosticating.

Cosmo was our winner, getting five of eight match-ups correct.

Roma v. Arsenal
Liverpool v. Real Madrid
Bayern Munich v. Sporting Lisbon
Porto v. Atletico Madrid
Man U v. Inter Milan

Well done. The rest of you were collectively pathetic.

Nobody else got more than three correct. Eight people got only two correct and seven people posted a clean sheet. Predicting the future is hard stuff.

If I were a psychic, I'd raise my rates. That's our takeaway from this anyway.

Cosmo, to collect your prize, use the email listed on the right side gutter of the page. For the rest of you, thanks for playing. Once the knock-out matches roll around in February, we'll have a bracket contest.

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Finally Some Love for Moyes?



Long time Everton target and accidental porn star Vagner Love could be on his way to Goodison Park in January. Everton are desperate for a striker and the Merseyside team tried to snare Love during the summer.



Everton are not Vagner's first Love however. The Brazilian front man would prefer a move to Real Madrid.

“Just one club has contacted me and that club is Everton. But it would be marvellous to play for Real Madrid — every player dreams of joining them. I will do everything I can to negotiate my release with the CSKA president.”- Vagner Love.

The Brazilian is no stranger to controversy after the release of an Internet porno featuring Love and his girlfriend, porn star Pamela Butt. The Butt Love (sorry, couldn't resist) video did not bother Love in the slightest and he stated so at the time...

"Hey, I'm known for being amorous, let's be honest, this reputation isn't one that unsettles me." - Vagner Love.


Love and gal pal Pamela Butt enjoy the limelight.

Love will cost around 12 million quid, not a bad price for the Russian leagues top forward in todays market. Love has found the back of the net 17 times this term.

Bigus.

Read more on "Finally Some Love for Moyes?"...

So, some draw happened this morning


Well folks, the results are in.

I can't wait to see how wrong everyone was once we've finished counting.

In the meantime, I bring you the full CL draw, the UEFA Cup draw (like anyone not named The Likely Lad or Keith gives a toss), and some half-assed predictions.

Whether you won our competition or not, you can't say that the draw gave us many lame fixtures.

Without further ado, who got gifted and who got screwed? These are the games to have pundits salivating in their armchairs until February.

Champions League draw, Round of 16
Spartak London vs. Juventus
Villarreal vs. Panathinaikos
Sporting Lisbon vs. Bayern Munich
Atletico Madrid vs. FC Porto
Lyon vs. Barcelona
Real Madrid vs. Liverpool
Arsenal vs. Roma
Inter Milan vs. Manchester United

First up, the red-faced Scot draws his nemesis in Jose Mourinho. Easily the pick of the round, although I still reckon the Mancs will sneak on. Either way, the trash-talk will be sublime. Spartak get their former manager Claudio Ranieri in his new Turin digs and should advance, and Arsenal get the gift of AS Roma, perhaps the 2nd best draw they could have hoped for overall.

The last remaining French team is guaranteed to exit in this round thanks to pulling out Barca, which makes you wonder if they're kicking themselves at rolling over to Bayern in the meaningless final group game. Bayern trounced them, and their reward? Some Portuguese patsies.

Rafa gets two Ramos, a Raul and a tw*t in Ramon Calderon. I expect a 1-0 aggregate win for my lads, as is our custom in this competition.

Elsewhere, I see Villareal, Atletico and Bayern advancing, hopefully joining all 4 English clubs (barring some epic failures; Serie A and EPL normally ends up in favour of the English*, although Juve has the best chance of advancing, I reckon) and Barcelona in the quarter-finals.

I suppose I should mention the UEFA Cup too:

UEFA Cup, Last 32:
Paris Saint-Germain v Wolfsburg
FC Copenhagen v MANCHESTER CITY
NEC Nijmegen v Hamburg
Sampdoria v Metalist Kharkiv
Braga v Standard Liege
ASTON VILLA v CSKA Moscow
Lech Poznan v Udinese
Olympiakos v Saint-Etienne
Fiorentina v Ajax
Aalborg v Deportivo La Coruna
Werder Bremen v AC Milan
Bordeaux v Galatasaray
Dynamo Kiev v Valencia
Zenit St. Petersburg v Stuttgart
Marseille v FC Twente
Shakhtar Donetsk v TOTTENHAM

UEFA Cup, Last 16:
Werder Bremen or AC Milan v Olympiakos or Saint-Etienne
ASTON VILLA or CSKA Moscow v Shakhtar Donetsk or TOTTENHAM
Lech Poznan or Udinese v Zenit St Petersburg or Stuttgart
Paris Saint-Germain or Wolfsburg v Braga or Standard Liege
Dynamo Kiev or Valencia v Sampdoria or Metalist Kharkiv
Copenhagen or MANCHESTER CITY v Aalborg or Deportivo
Marseille or FC Twente v Fiorentina or Ajax
NEC Nijmegen or Hamburg v Bordeaux or Galatasaray

They do two draws at once, compounding their lameness, and the draw is kind for Mark Hughes. That said, they are good at losing when you expect them not to. The big story is that Villa and Spurs could meet in the next round should they both advance past tricky opposition. I couldn't care less. Best of luck to all involved. My money's on Valencia to win it all.

So, thoughts? Predictions? We'll have a competition winner later today.



*In recent years, the Serie A hasn't done too well against the EPL. Remember 2005, Meeelan? Seriously though, side thought: how about a pre-season tournament kinda like the College Basketball Big 10/ACC Challenge, only for Serie A and EPL to duke it out. I'd watch that from beginning to end. Or a "La Liga/EPL Challenge." Would be sweet, right?

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thursday Backpasses: See this one Georger?

Why the Hispanic media ignores college soccer. Hint: the last point is "It Plain Sucks" [La Liga Talk]
Scotland's best player Aiden McGeady punished by Celtic for butting heads with Wee Gordon Strachan [BBC]
Pele set to play Pele in animated film [Reuters]
Why has the 4-4-2 fallen out of favor? [Guardian]

And, finally:
Another FJM attempt at the Miami-Barcelona-MLS hookup. Both sides get pwned by the first comment [MLS Rumors]

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Last Call

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. But before heading out, one last friendly reminder to enter our Champions League draw competition.

You can scroll down the page or just click here.

Voting closes overnight tonight. Winner gets a post on UF. Oh, and a promise that we'll start upgrading our prizes in the near future. Some last minute housekeeping after the jump.

Again, it's the second place finishers that get drawn with the group winners. You can't draw someone from your country (e.g. Inter can't draw Roma) and you can't draw the team from your group (e.g. Chelsea can't draw Roma). You're responsible for checking your math (particularly with regard to that latter provision).

Tentatively: It will be one point for each pairing you get right, no points for incorrect pairings, and minus-one for any pairings that violate the rules (same country or same group). First tie breaker? Not sure, currently thinking I'll go back and double count—give two points for each one correct—the draws for the countries that have one team (Germany, Greece, France). Second tie breaker will be to double count the coutry with two teams (Portugal). Etc.

Read more on "Last Call"...

Pass The Crack Mike


Newcastle's want away owner Mike Ashley reckons that interim manager Joe Kinnear is better than Fabio Capello. Wow, that's a bold statement, lets take a look at the two gentlemen in question and see how he came to that conclusion.

So first off I can see why Mr Ashley rates Kinnear. He has done a pretty good job at Newcastle thus far. He has helped them out the relegation zone, they have stopped leaking goals and they are picking up the points and heading in the right direction. This could just be a honeymoon period that any new manager could have achieved or maybe Kinnear is just that good. Either way, to call him 'better' than Fabio Capello takes more than some balls, it takes a large amount of crack and about 10 pints of Special Brew.

Let's compare the two.

Fabio Capello. 62 years old. Current job: England manager.

Last 4 results: Croatia 1 England 4, England 5 Kazakhstan 1, Belarus 1 England 3, Germany 1 England 2.

Honors as manager.

Seria A: 5 titles with AC Milan and Roma.

La Liga: 2 titles with Real Madrid.

4 Italian Super Cups, the European Super Cup and the Champions League.

Joe Kinnear. 61 years old. Current job: Newcastle interim manager.

Last 4 results: Chelsea 0 Newcastle 0, Middlesbrough 0 Newcastle 0, Newcastle 2 Stoke 2, Portsmouth 0 Newcastle 3.

Honors as manager.

Oh...There actually aren't any. Not one. Nada! Nichts! Ugh..This is a little embarrassing, I thought there might be something? Alas no. Nyet!

So as you can see, crack cocaine and copious amounts of booze are required to compare Joe Kinnear to Fabio Capello. Unless of course you are Mike Ashley, and then the reason is that you are a fat doofus who knows about as much about football as Clive Woodward.

-Bigus.

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Garforthaldinho


So you have played 142 times for Brazil, won two World Cups, making a record 21 appearances at the finals and spent the last 5 years at AC Milan. You have had a glittering career and played for clubs such as Roma and Sao Paulo. Whats your next move? Signing to play for non-league Garforth Town of the Northern Premier League Division One North of course!

It is likely Cafu (38) will sign for the miners and play in April, although rumors are circulating that he will in fact arrive in January. How did this happen you ask? How does lil' old Garforth Town manage to sign legendary right back Cafu?

Garforth Town are owned by a gentleman named Simon Clifford. Mr Clifford has many connections in Brazil after he set up Futebol de Salao in the U.K.

So how far down the leagues is Cafu's new Northern Premier League Division One North team?
A quick glance at the Football Pyramid finds them in the eighth tier of English football.

Other famous Brazilians Mr Clifford has brought to play in the small Yorkshire town of Garforth include Socrates and Careca.

-Bigus.

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Headline Cage Match: Only One Will Survive

As you know, Big Sam Allardyce is filling in for the deposed Governor Paul Ince at Blackburn. This isn't news. But, the British rags can't quite agree about what role Roque Santa Claus Cruz will play in the new administration. Two newspapers will duke it out in the cage, but only one will come out.

The Daily Mail claims that Big Sam is going to sell the Santa man for 20 million quid likely to the new oilmen in Manchester.

However, The Sun claims Big Sam only agreed to take the job if they agreed not to sell the Paraguayan strike.

So, who's correct? I don't know, but I can't imagine Santa Cruz wants to stay on at a sinking ship. We shall know, however, no later than the end of January.

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