UF Quick Throw: Kinnear Unlikely to Return

It's Wednesday so that must mean another manager is in trouble. No sacking here though. Joe Kinnear went in for open heart surgery. His return to the Newcastle bench this season is unlikely. We wish him well... The local media? Maybe not so much.

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Kinnear Unlikely to Return"...

UF Quick Throw: Mickey Mouse references cost 500 pounds

The FA, Kings of Useless Punishments, have brought down the hammer on Joe Kinnear for his comments towards Martin Atkinson. Now, how much of that goes to Disney for licensing fees?

[The Sun]

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Mickey Mouse references cost 500 pounds"...

Shooting from the Ip... Ip... Ip!

The Furtive One
Our latest edition of Football Managers Gone Wild takes us to lovely Portaloo Road, home to Ipswich Town FC and, at present, Gentleman Jim Magilton. It's been a rough fortnight for the gaffer. Derby disgrace at bottom-feeding Norwich set the stage for a home loss to Cardiff and now the guy's got himself into a bit of a row with the local scribes (with audio!)

**Warning: We know Joe Kinnear. Joe Kinnear is a friend of ours. Jim Magilton is no Joe Kinnear... though he tries!**


If we're to go by Derek Davis of the East Anglian Times, the tomfoolery began on Thursday, when Gentleman Jim held a closed door meeting with a select eight members of his squad. Magilton reportedly told the group that they would form the nucleus of the club going forward, all the rest be damned. Or sold. The sheep-shagging journalist Davis caught wind of the powwow and by Friday morning it had been reported as fact in the local papers.

Which I brings us to Friday's press conference. It all began innocently enough. The manager gave the latest on injuries and suspensions (among those banned from Saturday's tie: Ben Thatcher. Remember him?) It was all business until the UK Mirror's Elvin King asked if Magilton had any response to Davis's meeting story.

Transcript courtesy of www.greenun24.co.uk. Enjoy! (That girl you hear giggling off yonder is actually our own tittering Bigus)

King: “Have you anything you want to add about the story about the meeting that took place?”

Magilton: “No, nothing at all - absolutely nothing.

“If it is his opinion (pointing at Derek Davis) 'in my opinion' or 'allegedly' you are printing lies.”

Davis tries to ask, "What is a lie?"

Magilton: “Someone has told you that and he is a liar.

Davis: “But people are telling me these things.”

Magilton: “They are lying, he is a liar, he is a liar. If it is your opinion, we had this conversation before, or you say allegedly then I can live with that but you are printing it as fact.”

Davis: “You had that meeting…”

Magilton: “I had a meeting yesterday behind closed doors. I have meetings, personal meetings with my players, it is my job - Shut Up! It is my job to get to know my players as individuals and as a group.

“I had a group yesterday because I had a special friend down, closed the doors, it was behind closed doors no-one else is invited. I do it on a daily basis. End of.

“See you later. End of.”

Magilton goes to walk out

Davis: “Jim don't walk off, come on, sit down…

Magilton: "Fuck off don't you talk to me…”

Magilton then storms out.

FIN

This seems like precisely the kind of story that does not go away quickly. Especially after the Blues come out in 3-3-1 for today's match. Unless Magilton is leading the Freemasons revival in East Anglia, there's really no excuse. And even that wouldn't cut it. Secret societies have no place in football, I say. Freemason or not, Magilton does earn a place on UF's forthcoming Football Managers Gone Wild DVD set.

Read more on "Shooting from the Ip... Ip... Ip!"...

Pass The Crack Mike

Newcastle's want away owner Mike Ashley reckons that interim manager Joe Kinnear is better than Fabio Capello. Wow, that's a bold statement, lets take a look at the two gentlemen in question and see how he came to that conclusion.

So first off I can see why Mr Ashley rates Kinnear. He has done a pretty good job at Newcastle thus far. He has helped them out the relegation zone, they have stopped leaking goals and they are picking up the points and heading in the right direction. This could just be a honeymoon period that any new manager could have achieved or maybe Kinnear is just that good. Either way, to call him 'better' than Fabio Capello takes more than some balls, it takes a large amount of crack and about 10 pints of Special Brew.

Let's compare the two.

Fabio Capello. 62 years old. Current job: England manager.

Last 4 results: Croatia 1 England 4, England 5 Kazakhstan 1, Belarus 1 England 3, Germany 1 England 2.

Honors as manager.

Seria A: 5 titles with AC Milan and Roma.

La Liga: 2 titles with Real Madrid.

4 Italian Super Cups, the European Super Cup and the Champions League.

Joe Kinnear. 61 years old. Current job: Newcastle interim manager.

Last 4 results: Chelsea 0 Newcastle 0, Middlesbrough 0 Newcastle 0, Newcastle 2 Stoke 2, Portsmouth 0 Newcastle 3.

Honors as manager.

Oh...There actually aren't any. Not one. Nada! Nichts! Ugh..This is a little embarrassing, I thought there might be something? Alas no. Nyet!

So as you can see, crack cocaine and copious amounts of booze are required to compare Joe Kinnear to Fabio Capello. Unless of course you are Mike Ashley, and then the reason is that you are a fat doofus who knows about as much about football as Clive Woodward.

-Bigus.

Read more on "Pass The Crack Mike"...

Nice To Meet You Too!

And all the world was blue...

To think we were all ready to downgrade the Newcastle story to Soap Opera status! You had current owner Mike Ashley getting photographed on a wicked NYC bender as the club was falling to pieces back home yawn... There was that poignant notice from post-bender Mr. Ashley about how he was going to sell the club to the first group to meet his price bo-ring!... Then some story about a Nigerian group swooping in to meet that offer (now I know where all my cabfare's been going!), but alas snoooze...

Then came along Gentleman Joe Kinnear. An Irish Spurs man as player (well he's still Irish), Kinnear had not spent a week as interim manager at St. James Park before providing the what really might be the greatest off-day press conference in the history of modern sport.

Hop the jump for the transcript. And remember, Kinnear will not actually manage a match until October 20. Seems the FA hit him with a two-game ban four years ago when he was managing Nottingham Forest. Gentleman Joe had been reported for calling a referee "Coco the Clown" during one of his last matches at the City Ground.

And did I mention he referred to Newcastle "star" Geremi as "Jeremiah" just after taking his new job.

Also, the beebs has the actual audio, though I'd recommend the Guardian edition-- Kinnear v. The Press as recited by Computers.


Ok. Here Goes. Personal favorites in bold! (I'm happy for you cos you get to read this right now.)

Joe Kinnear: Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

Simon Bird: Me.

JK: You're a cunt.

SB: Thank you.

JK: Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK: I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB: It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB: Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK: Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB: You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK: What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB: I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB: No, you can listen to who you want.

JK: I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB: Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK: No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB: What? More important things?

JK: What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB: You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK: I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB: It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK: I can't trust any of you.

Niall Hickman: Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK: My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH: But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH: Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK: I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ...

Random journalist-like onlooker: How long is your contract for Joe?

JK: None of your business.

Simon Bird (He's back. Love this guy...): Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...

JK: I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.

Here follows some meandering talk about actual football operations.

Back to the good stuff. Enter stage left: the worst press officer ever.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun): We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK: Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libelous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle Press Officer: What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside. hahahahahahaaaa ahahahaha. Doesn't work that way big fella

Someone: Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK: Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Someone: It's only been a week.

JK: Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Someone: It's early days for you to be like this.

JK: No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Someone: But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK: I'll speak to the supporters. (This is like Sarah Palin saying she'd rather speak "directly to the American people." It's code for "fuck you reporters, no more interviews!"0 I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."

Someone: "Bollocks to that" is what you said.

JK: Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist: That was it.

JK: No it wasn't, no it wasn't. What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist: I don't know.

JK: It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".

Journalist: I didn't write that.

JK: That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist: Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK: I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist: But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK: I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist: Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"

JK: Yes. Lovely.

Journalist: I don't know who's reported that.

JK: I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.

Journalist: That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK: So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me. I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don't twist anything.

Journalist: You know, you know the game ...

JK: Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.

Journalist: Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK: Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Again, there's some actual football talk now to interrupt the fun.

Idiot Press officer: Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist: But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

IPO: I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

IPO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Now go towel off. That was a lot for one sitting.

Read more on "Nice To Meet You Too!"...