Your Ronaldo transvestite update

Two things we won't see together much anymore

Ronaldo's still suffering a bit from low self-esteem after his recent tranny hooker bust, but now the embarrassment is extending to his pocketbook and causing far more damage.

It appears that mobile phone companies don't like when you philander with ladyboys of the night, and Ronaldo's sponsor TIM has dropped the ailing striker from quite a lucrative deal -- $4.8 million a year!

If that doesn't stop you from blindly picking up girls with mustaches at dark, damp nightclubs, I don't know what will!

There's also a fair bit of blog speculation [Buzz Bissinger's favorite thing] that he might have endangered his lifetime contract with Nike, a good bit of business that is worth some $100 million over the course of his playing career. I for one would hate to see this happen. I was raised on a steady diet of Ronaldo wonder goals, and to think that one night of curiosity and homo-erotic madness could bring it all to an end.

After all, hasn't he been through enough? His leg is barely hanging together, his rehab is going slowly, and now he's losing money fast. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...... or the warm touch of yet more prostitutes.

After the jump, some of those Ronaldo commercials with Nike.

Let's hope they're not the last.

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Monday Backpasses: Transfer Silly Season all over again

While some of us stew away at Flamini signing with Milan, we present a couple of other early transfer rumo(u)rs. Get to know this first guy. He'll be heartbreakingly leaving Arsenal in three years or so.

Hmmmm. He's African and playing in the French league. It's really no surprise that Arsenal would target him, is it? [The Sun]
Daniel Alves gets a huge payday with Barcelona [Transfer Market Web]

In other news
Avram Grant never, ever takes a good picture [Soccernet]
Man U players to get a half million dollars each to win the double. Is some American chairman trying to reignite the Cold War? [The Sun]
FIFA wants to know your opinion on MLS. It seems to be open comments, so you know what to do [FIFA.com]

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A Pair of Golden Balls from Beckham

Just to piss Lingering Bursitis, our resident "Beckham is a wanker" guy, here is a video of the former England captain and current LA Galaxy captain bagging a pair of scores against Real Salt Lake this weekend. The first was virtually a set piece and the second was a set piece where a terribly out of position keeper gave up the goal.

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Championship ramblings as the curtains close.

Leicester and Stoke battle it out for survival and promotion.

"Thank F%&* That's over" said this Norwich fan.

Phew... That was my initial thought as we clinched safety at home to QPR in our penultimate game. This weekend's defeat at the hands of Sheffield Wednesday was to be expected and just about summed up our season. First half dominance and a collection of missed chances. The bags were packed and the minds of the players were already rolling down the runway at Norwich airport.

That was not not good enough for the 5,000 fans who went to Sheffield and it certainly was not good enough for Glenn Roeder. The gaffer at Norwich had already made his mind up weeks ago about who would stay and who would go after his first 6 months in charge. This did not stop him from keeping the players locked in the dressing room at Hillsborough for 45 mins as he let them know exactly what he thought about their last 45.

It will be a lively summer for the staff at Norwich and an interesting one for the fans as the front door is set to swing open and shut with more regularity than the managers door at Leicester. Roeder has stated his intent and has the balls to follow through. After Saturdays game he criticized fan favorite Lee Croft and took aim at missed chances and sloppy defending. The future's of 12 players will be decided this week but none more important than that of Lord Huckerby. He could move into Norwich Castle tomorrow if he wanted. He is already a legend. And that is why Roeder could swing his axe on Norfolk's favorite adopted son. That's the kind of move Glenn would make to confirm his status as the top dog at the pound.

I love Glenn's attitude towards each game but his 'one sheriff town' attitude could blind his decision when it comes to handing Hucks the contract he deserves. Starting eleven or not there is no player in a yellow shirt who can turn a game in one run or one who has the desire to win more than Darren Huckerby. I will be holding my breath this week as Hucks learns of his fate.

We started our year with excitement. A new dawn. Peter Grant had spent his money and the first time manager came to Carrow road with a fantastic reputation as a coach.

Unfortunately for us, he couldn't manage the ticket booth for a charity dunking stool featuring Avram Grant.

In came a whole host of Scottish Premier League players. Out went all ability to play football at this level. The new players from the SPL were rated highly north of the border (Brellier and Lappin to name a couple). Grant said he was getting value for money and signing some real talent. Roeder axed all but three.

All I needed to know about the SPL came fast, educated in a 10 game master-less-class. Grant had bitten off more than he could chew and spread his crumbs at the foot of the table. He learned the hard way that the SPL is garbage, poop, pony and highly over rated. The border should be locked to stop other teams from being duped into buying such dross. An army of talentless utility men made to look good by slow football. I apologize profusely to anyone who supports a Scottish team.

Not for the criticism..... but for having to watch such a farce. It's existence is a dereliction to the beautiful game. Only Chelsea bring more shame to the world of the inflated orb. I would rather have a team comprised of the Radio City Rockettes than of SPL players.

And to think how good it looks when you see that Setanta commercial... You know the one, featuring that catchy sound track. SPL players dance across the screen celebrating wonder goals in front of empty stands while you hear...."I think my mind is made up...to start a revolution".... The SPL needs more than a bloody revolution. How about some evolution?

Don't get me wrong -- I really don't have any thing bad to say about GOOD Scottish players. I loved Bryan Gunn and rate David Marshal and Mark Fotheringham highly. Anyway, enough of this. Back to the topic at hand....

How ironic that the Guillotine dropped for Peter Grant at QPR after the City faithful in the School end were treated to one of the poorest performances ever by a Norwich 11. Roeder secured our safety two Saturday's ago..... against that very team. A better QPR in fact. Still Roeder's lack of time or knowledge in the Football League market came back to give us a scare and it went close to the wire. I had more than a twitchy bum for several weeks. In fact it was a full blown rash! Roll on next season.

The fizzy league...Competitive. But is it any good?

This year's Championship season was one to remember. Leicester were relegated with 52 points. Stoke were promoted with 79. Just 29 points from automatic promotion to Yeovil away. Norwich finished the year 15 points from the playoffs and 3 from the drop. Roeder's 1.4 points a game would have had us there if he'd been in charge for the first ten games. So is the closeness of the teams a sign that the league is at a new standard? West Brom are not that much better than Hull yet they are highly rated at this level. Any one could have beaten anyone this year.

Many may suggest that the league is slipping further away from the Premiership and The fact Bristol City are in the playoffs in their first year indicates such a theory. Next season's Premiership table will tell the truth but for now....I think there is validity to both stories.

While Watford, Coventry and Stoke adopted a boring long ball mentality which affected every team and game they participated in, teams like Hull, Bristol City, West Brom and Palace played their way to the top six with some nice football.

There were many Premiership loans on display indicating a lack of opportunity in the top flight for some very talented players:
- Frazer Campbell at Hull (on loan from Manchester United)
- Ishmael Miller from Man City
- Ben Sahar from Chelsea
- Ryan Shawcross from Man United

Just to name a few who had an impact this season. Their loss is the Championship's gain.

Even at Norwich our lineup was improved dramatically by Premiership loans. Ched Evans from Man City scored 10 and Chelsea's under 21 England international Ryan Bertrand impressed. Norwich fans want them both back next year.

While Derby's destruction indicates a weak Championship, Sunderland's survival and Birmingham's close proximity to 3 other Premiership sides entering the last hurrah of the 07/08 season offers hope to Stoke and the Baggies. It is also worth remembering that consolidating a long term future in the Premiership is not just about the quality of the players who carry you up, and it's cruel to judge the Championship using recently promoted teams as your grounding for such a thought. Birmingham and Derby spent an absolute fortune on entirely new line ups. They look nothing like the teams that were celebrating this time last year.

If the answer to the question was to lie at Carrow Road then I would be be firmly on the fence with another itchy bum. We played some awful football this year (improving dramatically under Roeder) but many teams played some great stuff. If you don't believe me then you can watch the playoffs this weekend. The FA Cup also pushes the fence in the direction of improvement. Three of the last four were Championship sides. Either way, the last day was extremely exciting with automatic promotion and relegation all decided in the dying minutes. That makes for a good league right there.

Stoke and West Brom reached the promised land and Leicester slipped into the Abyss known as League 1 for the first time in their history. They spent the most and signed 28 players. Who says money buys happiness?

-Bigus.

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Arsenal's Got Your Hardware Right Here

As some Spurs fans are keen to point out, Spurs won a "trophy" this year. If Spurs are going to count the Worthlessingcarleague Cup, than Arsenal are surely entitled to count Lady Gunners' trophies. (Oh, and also the Arsenal Cup!)

That's right, the Arsenal Ladies -- who have already won the league title -- won the Woman's FA Cup 4-1 today to secure the domestic double for the third year in a row. This makes for 29 trophies in 16 years. Surely the kind of dominant performance that Wenger and the Male Gunners should emulate. (If I were Daulerio, I would have a pithy joke about balls to throw in here.)

And Flamini is sure that he really wants to leave Arsenal for Meelan?

Photo: Times of London

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Exeter City and the Thrills and Heartache of Non-league Football

(Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this here blog, but I’m back, baby!) I’d now like to ask you to take a gander down a couple divisions of the English leagues. Keep going past the Premier League (suck it Barcleys), past the Championship (suck it Coca-Coca), past League One (such it Coca-Coca), past even League Two (suck it yet again Coca-Coca), until you are no longer technically in the English league but in something called the Conference League (suck it Blue Square Premier League). It is here that you will find my beloved Exeter City, who today will be playing the return leg of their playoff as they seek a well-earned promotion.

The bad news is that they lost 2-1 at home to Torquay thanks to a brutal 90th minute strike on Thursday. The good news is that the Conference League doesn’t count away goals, so they are still only a goal down on aggregate. The other good news is that, unlike the rest of English football, the BBC allows people to listen to the game online from abroad. Not much competition for licensing of non-league football, eh? The match starts at 2:30pm EST, with a link usually popping up somewhere on this here page.

So, what do you need to know about Exeter City? They are located in Devon, along the sunny (kidding) southwestern English coast. Their nickname is the Grecians, even though no one has any idea why. Their two biggest claims to fame are: One, being the first squad to play in South America, which happened in 1914. The second was their famous draw against Manchester United in the FA Cup, which happened a few seasons ago. Other than that, it’s been pretty much 100 years of middling lower-tier football, and God bless Exeter City for it. Oh, the other thing you need to know is that they hate Plymouth Argyle, so you had better not wear green to a City match.


The other interesting thing about City is their current ownership by a supporters trust. This was after their owners bilked the club in a fraudulent trading scheme in 2003 (they have since been convicted on criminal charges). Prior to this, there were rumors that Uri Geller (most famous for bending spoons) and even Michael Jackson (most famous for pedophilia and the Thriller album) were interested in buying the club.

As for the style of play of Conference League football, my friend Tim, who is a lifetime Exeter City supporter, described it as follows: It’s not that the players are absolute rubbish, but rather that they either have only one skill, or they have one glaring weakness. In other words, they are the kinds of gritty, one-dimensional players who rarely survive in the upper leagues, but who often thrive against lesser competition. (Tim also taught me the joys of drinking a concoction called an Armadillo, which consists of cheap sherry and cider. All I can say is that they make the long trek from London to Devon, well, fairly enjoyable.)

So, this afternoon/evening, at a grounds located in Plainmoor, Exeter try once again to climb back into the league. Last year, City made it all the way to Wembley for the Conference League playoff finals, only to be cruelly defeated by Morecambe. My prediction for today is 1-0 at the end of regulation, with Exeter going ahead in stoppage time. Then it's on to Wembley and hopefully promotion. C’MON CITY!

UPDATE: Well, my ability to calculate Greenwich Mean Time to Eastern Standard Time could use a bit of work, because it turns out the match has just ended and Exeter won 4-1 today to advance to Wembley! HOORAH! Exeter City will face either Cambridge Utd or Burton Albion, who play the second leg of their playoff tomorrow. HOORAH! WE ARE GOING TO WEMBLEY!

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TWAG: The Joy of Six (Instead of the Joy of Cesc)

Six. That's how many of us there were for the Arsenal v. Everton kickoff on Sunday morning.

It was an irritatingly early start time, but that's really how heartbreaking this season was? Only six people—plus two more who wandered in about halftime—could be bothered.

Hell, Everton even had something to play for. One point would secure them a UEFA Cup spot. There's also the Gunner's 50-something game home unbeaten streak at the Emirates.

And fuck, there are only two games left in the season, then there's no more Arsenal futbol for literally months. Christ, shouldn't we all be squirrels out there collecting the remaining nuts no matter how shitty they might be because there aren't going to be any more for a while?

If nothing else, it was a chance just to watch and enjoy football. There were no nerves because Arsenal weren't moving out of third place. It was a rare opportunity to watch without having an irrational emotional attachment to every cross, every clearance. Lehmann could let another soft shot roll between his legs, and it would simply be a humorous and apropos farewell.

Turns out, though, detached spectating really is not that fun, even less so when it is compounded by massive disappointment of what might have been. Okay, it's a little fun when you are beating the shit out of Derby in a 6-2 scorgasm, and making them pay for a your season of second-half failure; but a listless 1-0 win over Everton where Song and Traore are maybe the best players on the pitch isn't much reward for fandom.

This must be what it's like to be a Tottenham fan. Before the games even kick off it doesn't really matter if you win or lose because when all is said and done, you're going to end up someplace mid-table, give or take.

But the shit does matter (or rather "matter" in a very relative sense—I can maintain perspective). That's what makes it worth dragging our asses out of bed when sane people are still sleeping off their hangovers (note to any European readers: fuck, it's hard sometimes being a fan of this game seven time zones away). Yeah, I'm still pissed at the non-call and the call in the Liverpool Champions League matches. And I'm even more pissed off at the shoddy defense after Adebayor leveled, but what's the point if you're not going to have strong emotional reactions? Sometimes you can't bring yourself to watch, but you can't make yourself look away.

There's a reason they keep score. And a good one. Meaningless matches are hardly worth it. Sure it's football, but it's like having drunk sex with an ex that you don't give a shit about anymore. It's slightly better than going home and rubbing one out, but it's not even close to what it feels like when you are nuts about the other person.

Plus it was a pretty lackluster match on both sides.

The best moment wasn't even on the field of play. At one point the Setanta cameras showed Helb, Fabregas, Flamini, and Rosicky all sitting right next to each other behind the bench. A fucking world class midfield—at least two of which have probably played their last match as Gunners—and all of them spectators.

I'd put even money down the camera man was a United fan having sadistic laugh. And he'd be right to.

Arsenal won. Yippee. Had the Prem still been up for grabs, the Gunners would have found a way to squander the lead and draw, though. Maybe that's the silver lining, had they still been in it a Sunday draw might have sucked the life force right out of me. But it's more of a sterling than a Britannia silver. When the expectations were low—much preseason punditry had the team finishing outside the top 4—Arsenal played loose and they won early and often. They didn't even drop a match until December 9, to 'Boro of all teams.

It wasn't until they Gunners found themselves five points clear atop the table that they began to look like deer, or rather fawn, in the Prem headlights and reeled off consecutive draws against (God this hurts) likely relegation fodder Birmingham City, Villa, bottom-halfers Wigan, and 'Boro.

Seriously, we only took one of six points from fucking Middlesbrough this year? I hope Gareth Southgate still wakes up with cold sweats reliving his missed PK from the 1996 Euro.

Even with all those dropped points, with a win at Stamford Bridge and a win at Old Tratford it was there for the taking and it was theirs for the taking. Instead Drogba decided to show up for the second half and give the Gunners a big "fuck you" for a going away present and Owen Hargreaves hit a ridiculous free kick nobody was expecting him to even take.

Credit to them. They beat us when it mattered. But it's also clear this Arsenal team didn't know how to play under pressure. That and they had to play Senderos probably a little too much to make anyone feel good. Maybe even Philippe himself.

So that's it. Had you told me before the season started that Arsenal would finish third I would gladly have taken it. But with only Sunderland left on the fixtures, I'm anything but glad. I will probably sleep in next week no matter what time kick is.

After the other Sunday match, I wanted to make myself feel better by taking a shot at the people looking up at us. For completely arbitrary reasons a buddy of mine adopted Liverpool as his EPL team to follow this year. I applaud him for trying to get into futbol by having a team to follow, but I also chided him for his choice. When I cracked on his pick in an email by calling them Liverfouth (which I admitted stole from some blog), he responded, "And how much worse is that than Thirdsenal?"

Ouch. The truth does indeed hurt... but only until the 2008-2009 season starts.

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Congratulations Real Madrid and Bayern Munich

This weekend saw two of the big four European soccer leagues crown their champions. Bayern Munich reclaimed the Bundesliga title with a 0-0 draw with VfL Wolfsburg. The victory put the Bavarians 10 points ahead of Werder Bremen with three matches remaining. Real Madrid captured its second consecutive La Liga title with a 2-1 victory over Osasuna also putting it ten points ahead of its closest rival--Villareal.

The other two major leagues in Europe--Serie A and the English Premier League (suck it Barclay's!)--still remain up in the air.

Inter's loss to AC Milan keeps Roma in the title hunt and AC Milan in the hunt for a Champions League birth. And in England, Chelsea and Manchester United will likely go down to the last day to determine the champion. Provided Chelsea can put down Newcastle on Monday, which might be tougher than originally thought given Newcastle's recent run of luck. If Chelsea prevails on Monday, the two squads will be level on points with ManU having a significant goal differential advantage going into the final weekend.

Elsewhere, Bordeaux remains in the hunt trailing Olympique Lyon by two points in Ligue 1. Rangers are still in touch with title chances, but Celtic look likely to retain the title seven points clear with three matches remaining.

[Photo Credit: Yahoo! Sports]

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Newcastle Continues Its Winning Streak

Newcastle United had a rough patch this season, particularly the middle part where the squad won only 2 of 20 matches. Kevin Keegan was hired to right the ship during this stretch but he did not claim victory until his tenth match at the helm and going 4-0-2 since. This turn of fortune has left owner Mike Ashley with a lucky streak. Being British, he naturally headed to the casino to test his luck -- (because you know all Britons are degenerate gamblers allowing casinos to sponsor clubs) -- and lady luck was giving him a hummer to remember.

Ashley bet £480,000 on his lucky number 17 and when his ball nestled into that sweet little hole he bukkaked all over lady luck pulling in £1,284,00 for his bet. Ashley bet what was called a "complete"--explained below:

First, he bet the house maximum £2,000 on the single No 17. At odds of 35-1, it paid out £70,000.

Then he placed £4,000 on each of the four 'splits': that the number would be either 17 or the number immediately adjacent – 14, 16, 18 or 20. A total bet of £16,000 at odds of 17-1 means a win of £272,000.

He placed £8,000 on each of the four 'corner' bets – groups of four numbers including 17. A total bet of £32,000 at odds of 8-1, winning £256,000.

A 'street' bet that the number would be 16, 17, or 18. His £6,000 bet at 11-1 nets £66,000.

Two £12,000 bets that the number would be between 13 and 18, or 16 and 21. A £24,000 stake at 5-1 yields £120,000. £100,000 on each of the even-money bets: black, odd and between 1 and 18. £300,000 staked, £300,000 won.

£50,000 on each of the two 2-1 bets: the middle column on the table and the middle dozen numbers, 13 to 24. Total stake: £100,000. Total win: £200,000.

Well, that's just too complicated. Plus, Mike Ashley only went to school until he was 16 and is now reported to be worth £1.9 billion. Those two pieces of paper that I spent $200,000 to get sure seem like a stupid investment. I should have been betting on 17.

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Streaker Does Playboy: Still Not Nude

You may remember back a couple months when a "streaker" interrupted the USA - Honduras U-23 Match. I use the term streaker loosely since she really only looked like a woman on the beach with a USA flag as a cape leaving her bra and panties on. The streaker, Tiffany May, was arrested, ID'ed, released, and now, of course, is posing in Playboy [Slide Show]. It is the American way after all.

After the jump, more sexy...Update: Now with video...

Unfortunately, the only thing available online at Playboy is not much more revealing than the shot above. The site suggest there may be more provocative pics in the subscription portion of the site.

But, this is the internet, who pays for porn on the internet?

Certainly not me.

I leave it up to you fair readers to uncover the real pics.

Big hattip to The Offside Rules for finding the story.

Update: Lucky for you readers, I am a clever sonofabitch and figured out how to grab the video of the photoshoot and embed it here. Enjoy.

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