That's Some Pair of Balls, Dave.

People who live in glass stadiums should not throw stones. Unless of course you are Dave Whelan. The man who just cannot keep his nose out of other people's business has opened the gaping hole in his face yet again (see above).

You may remember that Whelan couldn't keep his trap shut about the West Ham/Tevez affair. Even though Wigan stayed up, he called for Premier League officials to be fired. You would think that a man who is under investigation by the financial services authority would keep a low profile. But no... Big mouth strikes again. (I saw Morrissey the other night, sorry.)

Dave Whelan has been telling anyone who will listen that Mike Ashley has ruined Newcastle United. Big mouth may be right, but it's really none of his business is it? But that doesn't stop Whelan. He just can't help himself. If Newcastle go down, Whelan reckons that Ashley deserves the drop because of the way he has pretended to be a Newcastle fan, amongst other claims.


Whelan. Not concerned with the empty seats behind him as much as he is other peoples business.

When I first went there just after Mike Ashley had bought it, he turned up in the boardroom in a pair of jeans, a pair of trainers and a replica shirt. Immediately he did that, the club’s gone. You don’t do things like that in football. He’s got no class whatsoever. When you walk in he clears the boardroom out and people walk in wearing football kit, replica shirts. You don’t do that.

- Wigan Chairman Dave Whelan.


No class for wearing a replica soccer shirt and sneakers in the boardroom? This from the man who made his fortune flogging replica shirts (including Newcastle's) and sneakers in his JJB sports store chain!


Ashley. No class.

While Newcastle are certainly in deep trouble, they are a massive club that boasts a weekly attendance of around 50,000. Wigan's attendance in comparison is between 14,000 and 17,000. Absolutely pathetic for a team that sits seventh in the Premier League. Largely due, I'll point out, to the efforts of one Steve Bruce after Whelan sold his best players to teams like Tottenham. Whelan should be worrying about the 8-11,000 empty seats in his 25,135 capacity stadium instead of the affairs of Newcastle United up in the northeast. Especially when Wigan are losing money. So why is Whelan sticking his big hooter in to Ashley's business?

Could it be that the two are currently feuding over the future of Whelan's old company JJB? Yep, that would be it!

Whelan appears to have a big head as well as a big mouth. From next season, the JJB Stadium will be know as the D.W. or Dave Whelan Stadium.

They may need to widen the doors.

-Bigus

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Great Moments in Leadership

Breathe easy all you Barcode fans!

You may have just been taken to the woodshed by the mighty Reds (be sure to thank Shay Given for keeping the score in single digits), but every cloud has a silver lining; Mike Ashley has decided to save the club. Again.

That is, at least until the global economic climate warms back up, allowing him to follow the rats off his sinking ship.

After failing to unload the lemon of a club he'd hoped to rescue from its perpetual waking nightmare, the fat fanboy has reversed course from September's "You want me out" statement, untucked his tail from behind his pasty legs and is now ready to steady Newcastle United (and by 'steady', I mean 'ensure many more seasons of a barren silverware cabinet').

In comparison to his Fall treatise, Ashley's latest message to the fans is merely a Post-It note. But, that doesn't make it any less important reading. Although economical with his words (and likely, NUFC's January transfer budget), the billionaire says it all, both with what he's written and what he hasn't written.

Allow me to help you read between the lines. Firstly, let's take a look at Ashley's unedited statement:

I am happy to end the uncertainty fans may have had about the future direction of Newcastle United.

I know just how important that is to you.

I have withdrawn Newcastle United from the market, and for me 2009 will be the year in which we drive the Club forward together. Even when I haven't been at games I have remained a keen supporter, kicking and heading every ball and cheering the team on TV and being the first to congratulate Joe whenever there's a good result.

When I took the decision to put the Club up for sale in September I made a point of saying two things were very important.

Firstly, any potential buyer would have to show they had the best interests of Newcastle United at heart and had both the commitment and finance to be worthy custodians of such a fine football club before I would even consider doing a deal.

And secondly, I gave you my word that as long as I remain owner, this Club would continue to be run responsibly at all levels. I hope you will accept that I have stood by that pledge.

And now, what he actually means:

I am happy to end the uncertainty fans may have had about the future direction of Newcastle United. But not as happy as I would be if I'd gotten back the quarter of a billionaire I've sunk into this steaming pile. But at least we all know where this club is headed -- nowhere.

I know just how important that is to you. Trust me, I know. I've heard every word you lot have had to say. I go home and cry in my fanboy shirt after every match. Even the thoughts of Alan Smith's bleached locks or the memories of King Kev's delightful perm doesn't smooth the sting.

I have withdrawn Newcastle United from the market, and for me 2009 will be the year in which we drive the Club forward (or forward-ish) together. Hell, sideways is good enough. 2010, though, will likely be the year I get myself out from under this fucking disaster as the world's economy should be back on two feet. Even when I haven't been at games I have remained a keen supporter, kicking and heading every ball and cheering the team on TV and being the first to congratulate Joe whenever there's a good result. You do understand, though, I mean 'kicking and heading' in the metaphorical sense. Otherwise, I'd give myself a massive coronary. As for Joe, I figure his appointment as manager will save me a few quid, as what top-notch player in his right mind (with high wage demands) is going to sign with him?

When I took the decision to put the Club up for sale in September I made a point of saying two things were very important; Everything else was just filler.

Firstly, any potential buyer would have to show they had the best interests of Newcastle United at heart and had both the commitment and finance to be worthy custodians of such a fine football club before I would even consider doing a deal. But mostly, they had to show me the money. Those best interests mostly involve me getting all my money back. It's ridiculous that I couldn't even get those oil-rich Middle Eastern types to take this junk off my hands. But, at this point, being a 'worthy custodian' isn't exactly a tall order. Forget silverware, all you have to do is save the club from The Drop.

And secondly, I gave you my word that as long as I remain owner (another 18 months, tops), this Club would continue to be run responsibly at all levels. Unfortunately, for you, that means more of the same, both on and off the pitch. Michael Owen? Good as gone. It wouldn't be very 'responsible' of us to hold onto a Sicknote who's lost about 4 steps. Not that he even wants to stick around. I hope you will accept that I have stood by that pledge. For now. Notice I said 'stood by' and not 'honored'. Because at some point in the near future, I'm going to get tired off all that standing (again) and have to go sit down.

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Mike Ashley Helps Get Funds Out of Nigeria

Mike Ashley has to be the dumbest son of a bitch alive. He's trying to sell Newcastle United after the fans and Kelvin Koogan turned on him and now Ashley thinks some Nigerian consortium is going to pay his £400 million asking price.

I was pretty sure Ashley was being scammed in one of those email fishing frauds. Now, I am sure after a devious UF reader sent in the email Mr. Ashley received with the offer to purchase the club.

Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2008 08:58:18 (GMT)
From: Moses Odiaka [mosesadiaha@go.com]
To: bigmike@newcastlefc.co.uk
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL PROPOSAL

Dear Mr. Mike Ashley,

My name is Mr.Moses Odiaka.I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a number of our investors at Union Bank. The heavans have presented Nigeria with vast mineral and oil deposits. Many Nigerians have done well because of this and are now searching for grand investment opportunities to diversity their holdings. I approach you with their interest in Newcastle Soccer Club.

They are prepared to offer you 280 million british pound sterling for your interest in the team. To get this money we only ask that you tranfer your interest in the team to a Nigerian holding trust escrow account. Once that is done we can secure the funds for your payment and all sides will be happy with the end result.

To do this, I will need your full name and address telephone/fax number,company or residential, also your bank name and account, where the Newcastle interest will be transfer from. This is necessary for the escrow holding trust to be set up in Nigeria. Once this is complete our transaction will be all but done.

When you contact me, then we shall discuss on how the money will be delivered.I am currently in europe for a six months course,you can reach me on this number for further discussion 0031 623 866 723.Kindly send your reply to my private email address stated below mosesodig1@zwallet.com or mosesodiaka1@yahoo.com

Trusting to hear from you,

I remain Respectfully yours,

Mr Moses Odiaka.
mosesodig1@zwallet.com or mosesodiaka1@yahoo.com
(0031 623 866 723)

Even my grandma doens't fall for these scams...any more.

I have to hand to the Nigerians though, they are really playing out the string on this confidence game. They are telling the Toon fans that the Geordie Messiah, Mr. Koogan, will return if they succeed in the purchase of the Tyneside club.

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Newcastle Continues Its Winning Streak

Newcastle United had a rough patch this season, particularly the middle part where the squad won only 2 of 20 matches. Kevin Keegan was hired to right the ship during this stretch but he did not claim victory until his tenth match at the helm and going 4-0-2 since. This turn of fortune has left owner Mike Ashley with a lucky streak. Being British, he naturally headed to the casino to test his luck -- (because you know all Britons are degenerate gamblers allowing casinos to sponsor clubs) -- and lady luck was giving him a hummer to remember.

Ashley bet £480,000 on his lucky number 17 and when his ball nestled into that sweet little hole he bukkaked all over lady luck pulling in £1,284,00 for his bet. Ashley bet what was called a "complete"--explained below:

First, he bet the house maximum £2,000 on the single No 17. At odds of 35-1, it paid out £70,000.

Then he placed £4,000 on each of the four 'splits': that the number would be either 17 or the number immediately adjacent – 14, 16, 18 or 20. A total bet of £16,000 at odds of 17-1 means a win of £272,000.

He placed £8,000 on each of the four 'corner' bets – groups of four numbers including 17. A total bet of £32,000 at odds of 8-1, winning £256,000.

A 'street' bet that the number would be 16, 17, or 18. His £6,000 bet at 11-1 nets £66,000.

Two £12,000 bets that the number would be between 13 and 18, or 16 and 21. A £24,000 stake at 5-1 yields £120,000. £100,000 on each of the even-money bets: black, odd and between 1 and 18. £300,000 staked, £300,000 won.

£50,000 on each of the two 2-1 bets: the middle column on the table and the middle dozen numbers, 13 to 24. Total stake: £100,000. Total win: £200,000.

Well, that's just too complicated. Plus, Mike Ashley only went to school until he was 16 and is now reported to be worth £1.9 billion. Those two pieces of paper that I spent $200,000 to get sure seem like a stupid investment. I should have been betting on 17.

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