Forgotten Ronaldo does something that we'll never forget

Pictured: Ronaldo, diligently checking from afar for evidence of man parts where lady parts should be

Sometimes you have to dig deep to editorialize the story hiding within something rather mundane, and sometimes, well, let's just say the story writes itself.

This was one of those occasions where you sit back and let the quotes do the heavy lifting for you, because, as we all know, you simply can't do any better.

And so I bring you this well-circulated gem, from soccernet and a million other places:

"Police are investigating claims by AC Milan striker Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel."

Yes, sweet lord. Thanks for bestowing upon us this mighty gift.

Ronaldo, the tubby striker of various World Cups and the proud owner of the most gap-toothed smile in footballing history, was doing a little rehabilitation back home at a Rio nightclub when he decided to take home three ladies of the night to help him with his strengthening exercises. Nothing too untoward there; we've known of Man United players taking two or three ladies home, and the less we mention about the Sunderland gangbang, the better.

However, they were not ladies of the night. They were men of the night, and they were also interested in some of Ronaldo's empanada monies in order to keep quiet. To his overweight credit, he held firm, and the quartet took a nice walk down to the local police station to sort matters out.

"Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US 600), but Ronaldo has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US 30,000) and threatened to post a video on the internet if he was not paid."

It can't get much more embarrassing, but at least he has a good explanation, right?

" 'He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,' [Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said. 'There is no crime at all.'

He added: 'He (Ronaldo) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this. Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.' "

Which makes me wonder... what was Eddie Murphy's excuse? I don't remember seeing him wearing a knee brace.

That being said, this story does bring to attention the dangerous new scourge that is soon to descend upon professional footballers and athletes around the globe: extortionist transvestite sex workers. I predict that by 2010, the lardy insanity of Sepp "Jabba" Blatter will have to go on record with plans on how to eradicate it. We think Malaysian match-fixing is the bottom of the barrel? Surely, this proves otherwise.

Just remember for the future, dear Ronaldo: if you're hungry but they have meat in the trousers, do not dine.