Altidore to Madrid!

And that's the most midleading headline ever on UF, but this might impact the Haitian Sensation in some way.

As expected, Florentino Perez (re)took the presidency of Real Madrid. He was the only candidate on the ballot. An orgy of spending will ensue.

Surrounding his ascendency are rumors that he will bring pretty much everyone to Madrid. Everyone being Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Ribery, Xabi Alonso, and David Villa. Perez is also going to mandate that La Liga games be allowed to play multi-ball to keep everyone happy.

The only person actually brought in thus far during the hours-old tenure of Perez is Manuel Pellegrini (pictured above), the (now) former Villarreal manager. Pellegrini replaces Junade Ramos who replaced Bernd Schuster who was fired for sucking.

As recent as Saturday, Pellegrini said he had had no contact with Madrid. Today, he's the new manager.

The most interesting tidbit from the AP story is this: "Recent reports have said incoming Real Madrid president Florentino Perez plans to present Pellegrini on Tuesday and Milan's Kaka as the club's new star player Thursday."

That's complete nonsense. Kaka will actually move to Dinamo Bender in Moldova.

See how easy it is to make "reports"?

Anyway, expect a Galaticos redux at the Bernabéu as this is Perez' second stint at the helm of Madrid. He takes over in the wake of December's hilarious vote rigging scandal perp'ed by Ramon Calderon (recap here if you need it).

Perez first presided over Madrid from 2000 to 2006 when they bought Beckham, Zindane, Originaldo, Mikey Owen, Luis Figo, and maybe some other people to fill out a squad.

So what's this have to do with Jozy Altidore? Pellegrini was instrumental in bringing the young American to Villareal. Of course he was also likely part of the decision to loan him out to Xerex where he never even got in the squad (we don't think). But hey, the summer is all about rampant speculation.

While it would be totally cool to see a 'Merican Meringue it ain't happening and, if anything, this puts Altidore's status at Villarreal that much more in doubt.

Still, it might behoove Madrid to develop some cheap younger players. Because while they've been running through coaches and trying to drain the Eredivisie, their rivals in Barcelona have been paying €0 for players like Andres Iniesta because they brought them up through the youth system.

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Comic Relief

Football is a miserable game designed to suck the life and hope from you with one blow of a dentists whistle. Don't mind me, I'm just stuck in football's equivalent of purgatory. Today finds Bigus staring into space, tortured by the possible future results and combinations of points coming over the next 14 days. Results in Barnsley and Plymouth that may ruin my life summer. I may actually cry. Has anyone ever been reliant on anyone from Blackpool before? Don't people get exiled to Coventry? No one comes from there to do you a favor right?

Anyway, this cheered me up a bit. After the jump a video of Villareal manager Manuel Pellegrini falling on his arse as his electronic, sensor triggered, automatic opening chair failed to do its thing at the Emirates.




Do they not have folding chairs in Spain?

Thanks to the TBG for this one.

I will now return to staring into space.

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Arsenal v. Villareal Match Preview

Not the injury keeping Marcos Senna out of the match.

There really isn't any chance today's tilt at Emirates can muster the magnificence of yesterday's all English tilt since there is no potential comeback for the ages at stake, but we could certainly see plenty of goals. Although, writing this will likely guarantee a dull 0-0 draw that sees Arsenal through to the semis on the back of their 1-1 away draw seven nights ago.

The storyline for this match is not about the players on the pitch, rather the players not on the pitch. Arsenal's lockerroom looks more like a MASH unit than the dressing room of an elite football club. Arsenal's already suspect defense will be missing its first-choice keeper Manuel Almunia, first-choice centerback William Gallas, first-choice fullback Gael Clichy, and defender Johan Djourou. Robin Van Porcelain is still struggling with a groin injury that may force him to a substitute role. Cesc Fabregas and Emmanuel Adebayor are just back from injury and are still likely not 100% fit.

Villareal's Yellow Submarine is not suffering from the same plague of injuries but will be missing midfielders Marcos Senna and Santi Cazorla. The former being a huge loss as the Brazilian cum Spanish defensive midfield dynamo was the goal scorer on the first leg. Senna is the rock in the middle with appreciable offensive skills and his loss will certainly be felt.

So, it's a leaky back line for Arsenal and soft middle for Villareal. It's like a battle between a chick with diarrhea and chick with a chubby belly. Which one would you rather have sex with?

Prediction. 2-2. Villareal through on away goal rule. If accurate, this would be the first time an English team has been eliminated from CL play by a non-English team in two years.

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CL Quarterfinals Preview: Villareal v. Arsenal

There’s not much sense in hiding my bias on this one. The Arsenal come into today’s match unbeaten in 2009 (except for that loss in Roma) and, while there’s no chance of winning the Premiership, the season will be considered a success with a decent showing in the Champiiiiiions League and the FA Cup. The good news for Arsenal is that they are starting to get their squad to full strength. Although Eduardo, Abou “Always Injured” Diaby and Robin Van Persie are out today (and Arshavin is cup-tied), I would expect Nasri, Fabregas, Adebayor and Walcott to all start.

As for Villareal, they have lost Santi Cazorla for the season due to a fractured ankle. It’s a big blow for Villareal, who will miss Cazorla’s playmaking on the wings. On the plus side, Marcos Senna and Cani are fit. Up front, you can expect Villareal to rely heavily on defintely-not-American (turncoat!) Giuseppe Rossi.

The interesting storylines in this match are the return of Robert Pires to face his old club, and a rematch of that 2006 Champions League semi-final that famously saw Riquelme buckle under the pressure and flub his penalty kick. Riquelme has made buckling under pressure a bit of a hallmark and has since disappeared back home to Argentina. Meanwhile, Pires still pines for the Arsenal. I always liked Pires, and even though he was way too sensitive about that substitution in the 2006 Champions League final, it’s only because he truly loved the club. Can’t fault him for that, and I’m sure he will get a warm response from the Arsenal supporters (especially during the return leg in England).

Even though Arsenal come into this match as slight favorites and with the momentum, I don’t think it’ll be a proverbial walk in the park. Villareal are talented and determined, and have the ability to notch goals against Arsenal’s sometimes-flaky defense. So, I’m hoping for a 1-0 or 1-1 result for Arsenal today, which would set them up nicely for the return leg at the Emirates.

Just realized I spelled Villarreal wrong throughout this post.... But at least no one noticed!!

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Champions League Preview: Villareal v. Panathanaikos

One of the ugly duckling matchups in the Champions League, not many people are paying attention outside of Spain or Greece because of those bigger, fancier, more glamorous encounters between old foes, the kinds of games that wet the trousers of any tabloid journalist.

And yet, this might turn out to be one of the more entertaining pairings, simply because neither team has anything to lose.

You see, while the high-profile managers at Liverpool, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Inter, Manchester United, etc are worried about their title races, these two teams are unfettered of that concern. The Greek League was wrapped up weeks ago, and La Liga isn't about to be threatened by a force existing outside of Barca or the capital.

And such, when you're unburdened by other concerns, or the crushing pressure to deliver in the marquee game, these two can simply kick the shit out of one another for 180 minutes and see what happens.

Case in point: Atletico and Porto. There's precious little else to worry about away from the Champions League, and so, they give us a reasonable 2-2 draw and an overwhelming sense that they're not playing for the trite, tense 1-0 aggregate win. Not having a league trophy to dream about certainly helps. (When was the last time Portugal was competitive, anyway?)

Villareal are in decent form, holding down 4th place in La Liga, as far off the pace as anyone around them. They loaned off Jozy Altidore, and make do with the strike pairing of Nihat, the flair-less Turk, and Italian/US Giuseppe Rossi. They've been sleepwalking as of late, narrowly beating relegation-threatened Sporting Gijon and Numancia while drawing to two other minnows, Osasuna and Racing, and getting walloped by Deportivo. Hardly the stuff of legend, really. Their midfield is solid, if aging, with the spritely Santi Cazorla perking up the 30-somethings around him.

In the Greek league, Pana have won 7 of their last 10, but honestly, how good a barometer is that? Should we rank them highly in our Power Rankings? We all know the Greek league is Pana, Olympiakos, and then nothingness. There's the added frisson of interest thanks to the ex-Chelsea assistant Hank Ten Cate being at the helm, as well as the resurgence of Spanish defender Jose Sarriegi who has been essential to the Greeks' qualification for the knockout stages.

Recent form aside, these fixtures yield the kind of shocks and nightmares that keep massive clubs awake at night. To draw a team like Pana or Villa means you're fighting an enemy that's not afraid to die, and yet you still need to do the killing.

When they face each other? Shit, we might get one of those freakish 4-3 results that Bayern and Lyon provided in the final round of the group stage.

Prediction:
With precious little knowledge of either team, I'm picking the Greeks to get it done, as they're the darkest of the dark horses left in the competition.

2-1 Pana at home, 1-1 in Spain.

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Altidore and the Duck

The duck lost as Jozy Altidore put the finishing touches on Villareal's 4-1 victory over Atletico Bilbao with a goal at the close of the match. With the goal, Jozy became the first American to score in La Liga.

[Editor's Note: After thinking about this, Jozy is not the first American to score in La Liga, that honor goes to the Benedict Arnold Giuseppe Rossi, a New Jersey born Italian-American who has chosen to cast his lot with the Italian national team rather than the USMNT.]

Congratulations Jozy! We wish you many more.

Altidore came on in the 90th minute and managed to score within 30 seconds. With that sort of production, clearly he should be starting.

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Ce Ceci n'est pas une ville*

Two weeks ago, we let you know about Villareal backing out of the Motherwell tribute match to Phil O'Donnell, and doing so by email. A little later that night, we passed on some more information, including the rumor that Villareal quit the match because a more lucrative game came up. Well, somewhere along the way, we decided to actually do some research on the matter, and the truth was (all to easily) uncovered.

Initially, the Motherwell-Villareal match was scheduled to take place on August 2. Yesterday, we came across this article, which mentions a Liverpool meeting with Villareal on August July 30. Was this the vaunted "big money match up" that Villareal had craved?

Nope.

Sorry for the suspense, but there has to be some reason for you folk to hit the link.

The Liverpool match is scheduled (for those of you bad at the maths) three days before the previously scheduled Motherwell match. In the pre-season, this amount of time is no reason to cancel a match. So, where to turn next?

Your intrepid reporter decided to brave the waters of the official Villareal website. I have a rudimentary understanding of the {Peggy Hill voice} Es-pa-nole, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Well, la-dee-da, the page loads, and here I see a link offering me an English language version of the site. So I click. Nothing. After I turn Javascript back on (why are football team's sites so reliant on Script?), I get what I'm looking for: August 2; Villareal v. Real Zaragoza in some competition called Trofeo Ciudad de Teruel.

The Teruel City Trophy. What could be more prestigious? And why would Teruel crown either of these non-local squads its champion? Our guess--it's a city looking to make a splash.

According to Wikipedia, Teruel is a city without much of an identity. Sure, it's a Spanish provincial capital, but it's one without much fanfare. It's the Spanish equivalent of Montpelier, Vermont. No one really wants to go there, and a few Spaniards think it's a myth, like Belgium. Seriously, the city's motto translates to "Teruel Exists".

Apparently, the next step, after adopting that wonderful motto back in 1999, is to entice some soccer squads for a pre-season cup. This year's version is the second. Last year featured the same two squads, with Villareal winning on penalties. There's video here.

Yes, Villareal is likely getting a big payday from a city looking to establish an identity. Doesn't make them any more likable, I'm afraid.

*If Google Translate led me wrong, please take it up with them

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Villareal: Kings of the Dick Move

You know what a Dick Move is, right? It's one of those things where someone does something so outlandish and without regard to anyone else's feelings or safety, that you cannot help but to let your jaw drop and say, "Wow, what a Dick Move."

Example 1: June 28, 1997. Mike Tyson, feeling that Evander Holyfield is getting away with headbutts in their boxing match, decides the only way to show his displeasure is to take a chunk out of one of Holyfield's ears.

Example 2: From Urban Dictionary's entry: Tom and Bill were both interested in the same girl at the bar; when Tom falsely insinuated to the girl that Bill had erectile dysfunction, that was a Dick Move.

Example 3: Villareal, scheduled to play a friendly at Motherwell, for a friendly where the main stand would be rededicated to former captain Phil O'Donnell, decide it's not worth the bother and pull out. And they did so by email. Now that's a Dick Move.

For those not in the know, that would be the Phil O'Donnell who collapsed on the pitch last season and died before the night was out. A man whose passing hit many in the SPL hard, including his nephew, who was on the pitch at the time.

So, yes, Villareal are dicks. They are doubly dicks for using email to cancel the match. There are a few things which you absolutely do not do by email. We've collected some of them for you below.

1. Pull out of a meaningful friendly.
2. Write "I'm pregnant and you are the father"
3. Break up with a significant other.
4. Fire someone from their job.

I am sure that we missed some, so feel free to add those in the comments.

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