Friday, July 3, 2009

Welcome to Bizarro World

Not pictured: Owen having to be carried off the pitch after he broke his ankle posing for the photo.

I'll admit, upon reading the late night rumors that one Michael James Owen, former England goalscorer, was being lined up for a move to Old Trafford, I was giddy.

Little Mikey Owen, former Liverpool golden boy, who'd burst onto the scene with THAT goal against Argentina in 1998, only to see his career spiral continually downwards after a move to El Bernabéu in 2004, was actually on the cusp of joining the reigning Premier League champions.

This was the man who had resurrected Liverpool back from the dead in 2001, stealing the FA Cup from the Gunner's grasps. He seemingly had the world at his feet, until the rest of his body started letting him down.

And yet, his career takes another interesting turn.

You know the recent history; marginalized at Madrid, the return to England with the Barcodes, doing his knee against Sweden in Germany and the subsequent laundry list of injuries and underwhelming performances that have followed.

Michael Owen is supposed to be washed up. Those weak little hamstrings can no longer propel him past defenders so easily like they used to. It would appear that his bones have been crystallized and are just as fragile. His game is begging for reinvention, yet he can't stay on the pitch long enough to unveil Michael Owen 2.0. For the love of God, fucking Hull City Football Clubwere flirting with signing him. Big Sam, whose gotten more than a few miles out of older, supposedly 'done' players, even took a pass on bringing him to Blackburn. Yet, here's Sir Alex Ferguson, swooping in the sign up the diminutive forward. (interesting fact: if you write about Michael Owen, you're legally required to use the word 'diminutive' in any essay over 200 words)

Manchester United have lost His Doucheness and Carlos Tevez and are replacing them with Antonio Valencia and Michael Owen. Really? As Father Time continues to stalk Giggs and Scholes, this is how SAF chooses to replace all that lost firepower? With a man who hasn't played more than 30 league matches (he's hit 31 total each of the past two years) and has only scored 30 goals over that same period of time.

This is the man United are turning to in hopes of continued glory? That must have been one hell of a brochure.

Obviously, he's passed a physical so his legs can't be utter Jello. Obviously, his deal will be structured around how often he features and produces. Obviously, United will consider an alternative option to Rooney and Berbatov.

But, still... Is this actually happening?

Sure, if Owen overcomes his own past history, stays fit and fires home a few crucial goals to help United lift more silverware, it will be one hell of a story. (and good cause for certain UFers to cry into the massive amounts of alcohol they've turned to ease the suffering -- present company included). But what are the chances that this actually happens? Does anybody REALLY think Owen is going to stay healthy and find that elusive renaissance under SAF?

Um, no.

This ends as expected. This ends poorly.

I'm sorry, Michael. "I wish... you had... more time..."

But you don't.

And I'm going to enjoy this.


Mike Georger said...

So who put the bomb up Mikey's ass?

Speaking of 2006 ... those new jerseys that Owen is so poorly filling out with his lack of upper body strength? Yeah the ones that are supposedly a 'special design for the centennial' ... yeah, it's Nike's template for the Mexico jersey from the 2006 World Cup. Real special design you've got there boys.

Dustin said...

The commentator at the end of that video says "Just think of what he'll be like when he grows up."

How sad.

The Likely Lad said...

The real madness will begin after he starts scoring heaps of goals for United. The story arc is too perfect. You'll have Rooney and Owen up front in South Africa, just like last time only now they'll have experience playing together. I will now commence laughing at Berbatov

Teeknuts said...

I have no idea how this is going to play out. Logically, it should be somewhat pointless, as he won't play that much anyway, but I can't help but have a bad feeling about this...

fcobbina said...

Man on Fire = Underrated bad action flick

Bigus Dickus said...

Mike Georger said...

Right Mexico has different colors, you got me.

Bigus Dickus said...

Just sharing....Always so defensive MG :) You sleep with a gun under your pillow?

Mike Georger said...

No but I did wake up this afternoon with peanut shells stuck to my ass for some reason, may have been molested by an elephant during the night.

I got into an argument with a United fan over that jersey and he claimed it was completely different than the Mexico jersey and was in fact specially designed, because the collars are different.

Keith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keith said...

If "let's stick a hoop collar on this in Man u colors" is a ManUre supporter's idea of "design," I humbly submit myself to be his next interior designer.

-- "I think if we paint a stripe around the top of your wall, it'll look completely different! That'll be 100,000 dollars, please!"

/Edited to avoid the grammar fail