Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Flasher Flasher Flasher

There once was a young lad at Hearts
Who enjoyed showing off his man parts
He disturbed several women
Now jail time is loomin'
His BP must be high off the charts

Alan Lithgow, like many men at the age of 20, is seriously horny. However, instead of chasing the readily-available tail that might be there for a soccer player who's been capped by the Scottish U-19s and has a promising future in the sport, he gets his jollies the wrong way: exposing himself to women and performing sex acts on himself, and now Alan's facing some jail time for his, ahem, efforts.

From the Scottish Daily Record:

Pervert Lithgow, 20, pleaded guilty to exposing himself in his home town of Airdrie, Lanarkshire, and in Edinburgh on four occasions last year.

The first offence took place on August 27 last year when he exposed himself and performed a sex act in front of a woman in Airdrie's Petersburn Road. His next offences took place on October 15 when he flashed three different women on the same day.

The first was in Lady Ann Crescent in his home town. The second took place in Balerno, Edinburgh and the third in Gogar in the city, where he also performed a sex act in front of the victim.

Lithgow will be sentenced nextmonth at Airdrie Sheriff Court.
In a brilliant PR move, the director at his new club, Clyde, who signed him last month after Hearts released him in the summer, was swift to distance the club from Lithgow's actions, making note that he was a flasher before he joined.

To add to the pile-on, the Record's quote from a "soccer insider" reckons that Lithgow will never kick a ball professionally again, unless perhaps he's coaching the prison team in a Longest Yard spin-off:
"Lithgow has been trying to cover this up and even Clyde were unaware until now. It is hard to believe that someone like Lithgow, who is meant to be a role model, would do something so disgusting. It is such a waste of talent and his career is over. No football club in their right mind would want him now. He is a disgrace to the profession."
Tell us how you really feel, insider.

Lithgow received a deferred sentence until a full investigation concludes, but he does go on the registered sex offenders list while also facing the likelihood of being released by his new club.

To recap: soccer exposure good, dick exposure bad. The more you know.


phil said...

It's too bad he's not an NFL player; so long as he played for the Cowboys, he'd always have a job.

The Likely Lad said...

come out with your hands up, bearfucker!!