Monday, September 1, 2008

Gabriel Agbonlahor: The Shawn Kemp of the EPL

Gabriel Agbonlahor is not likely to move anywhere in the last few hours of the transfer deadline today, but that doesn't mean that he can't create headlines on such a day. Agbonlahor, who sensationally scored an eight-minute hat trick on the first day of the season this year, apparently has scored a hat trick off of the pitch as well. Though, upon review, two were disallowed(forgive me).

Word has filtered through the always reliable yellow-journalism-fueled British press that Agbonlahor knocked up three women in a short amount of time. Two had abortions, and one came up with the jackpot of giving birth to Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr.

Quick scoring is nothing new to Agbonlahor, according to one of the women who did not give birth to Gabby's love child. Sophie Smith started dating Agbonlahor when he was still in school and in Villa's youth squad. Her description of his love making:

(H)e was pretty average in bed and very selfish as a lover, a real ‘wham bam, thank-you ma’am’ bloke who only knew one position and fell asleep immediately afterwards.

What's wrong with that?

The article has more ins and outs about how the girls found out about each other, who paid for what, as well as steamy Page 3 photos of one of the girls involved. Go look just to see the British press at its finest.

Keith, you may set us straight in the comments.

link fixed, no more Aluko here


ü75 said...

In updated news, Sarah Palin is disappointed not to be able to raise these kids as her own.

Andrew said...

What's the definition of making love?

Something a woman does while Gabby Agbonlahor is fuckin' her.

Keith said...

Sounds like an eight-minute hat trick in this case, too. Though it would (along with physical play from Skrtel and Carra) explain his anonymity on Sunday

James said...

I hear Ashley Young has an instructional video guaranteed to improve lovemaking.