The Latest And Longest Weekend Review Ever

See that. That's a guy in a Chrisitano Ronaldo jersey. Obviously. What you probably can't tell from the shitty phone pic is that he's wearing a Boston Red Sox hat. Look at the size adjuster on the back, if that were at all legible, you'd see there are indeed two little red socks stitched into the tab.

Is there any clearer way to announce to the world that you are a frontrunning douchebag than to couple your man love for the pink-wearing Portugese national with a wikked retahded hat?

Anyway, that guy sat quietly next to me for 94 minutes during the Spurs v. Man U match on Saturday morning. And we did not say word one to each other. Nope, not a word. I knew nothing about him. And he knew nothing about me. He probably thought I was a Spurs fan because, well, I was pulling for Spurs.

This is not something I would normally do. In fact, that roughly two hour span was like maybe chemically engineering New Years a little too much and ending up in a BBGG foursome. You probably know you are going to feel creeped and weirded out when you wake up the next morning and realize that you were that close to another naked and aroused man, but hey, there's also two naked chicks there, so, eh, what the hell.

Not that I would have any idea what that's like at all. No way.

But there I was, parked at the bar at Ginger's and pulling for Tottenham. Why? Well, Arsenal had already handed SGE and Manchester Citeh their first home defeat of the season, so a Man U loss would leave the Gunners three points clear.

And, shit, I think I'd consider voting Republican if it meant Arsenal winning the Prem this year. All I had to do was hate Spurs a little less than I hate the Mancs for 90-plus minutes. No problem. And so it was, Berbatov deservedly put Tottenham up 1-0. And I had Mr. Hat to my left, oh, and another obnoxious Red Devil to my right.

The irony being the dude on my right, with every touch, every whistle, every call, and every non-call... "Fuh, fuckssake." "Ah wot the fuck?" The whole match long. Mr. I've Got A Ronaldo Kit? Not a peep.

The morning only got better when the man who was a Spur not 48 hours before, Jermain Defoe, leveled Portsmouth with Chleasa. Do I dare dream the near-perfect morning? There's nothing schade about schadenfruede when it involves Chelsea and Man U giving up points at the same time.

Three minutes of stoppage time were added and at 94:00 on the clock, United lined up for a corner. The only person close to marking Carlos Tevez was also wearing a red jersey and on the match's final strike United leveled.

Goddamit. Tottenham can't even defend a corner. Dicks.

But the Tevez goal sent my leftorium denizen into a rapturesque series of shouts.

At first I thought he was screaming: "Kitson, Kitson..." Which would have been really fucking peculiar because Dave Kitson plays for Reading.

After about a half dozen shouts in, I realized Ronaldo Red Sox didn't have Tourette's and was saying "Get some."

I've been a sports fan my entire life. I've been to a Final Four, a World Series, a World Cup, two college Football National Championship games, and a myriad of other non-championship events. Never have I ever heard anyone say anything as patently stupid and meaningless as "Get some" in celebration.

But that wasn't even the best part. Amidst the barrage of "get some" after "get some" he turned to me and shouted, "Fuck you."

Whoa, slow down there, chief, all I had done was pull for Spurs. And even that was slightly painful for me, so it was pretty muted. Apparently pulling for anyone besides the Mancs is worth a big fat "fuck you" to a Red Devil.

Anyway, what's the lesson in all of this?

Sometimes people are exactly what they seem. I took the phone pic of the dickweed's shirt and hat about halftime. Then I actually felt a little guilty for being so judgmental about someone I had never even spoken to. Turns out, when you wear a Ronaldo jersey and a BoSox hat you are wearing your entire personality on your sleeve (and head). At the 94th minute I felt more stupidity than guilt.

And the guy on my right? Save for his impartial observations, he seemed pretty cool. Turns out he was. We had a little chat after the match. He said "Well played." I said "I'm not a Spurs fan" and we exchanged some mutual respect for how good our respective rooting interests are.

Yep, sometimes your prejudices are 100% correct.

There's also a fun addendum to the story. What Mr. Dickhead McDouchetool doesn't know is that he also sat next to me when the Gunners pulled even at the death to salvage a draw at the Emirates the first time United and Arsenal squared off this season. And Saturday, with him next to me, United gave up two points on a draw at White Heart Lane. So every time you sit next to me, dude, the Red Devils draw. I'll take having your front-running, stupid-expression-shouting, get-up-earlier-and-shower-next-time ass sit next to me every day and twice on Sundays; and you can scream "Kit-son" all you like because the end result is 2 points less for United.

Oh, and fuck you Keane. You were alone in on Van Der Saar with space and time and you chipped it right at him.

Anyway, less turned out to be more and we were right, there was less scoring. Both for me and the teams in the Prem.

Kitson!
Blackburn 0 - 0 Everton
Tottenham 1 - 1 United
Fulham 2 -1 Aston Villa
Wigan 1 - 0 West Ham
Portsmouth 1 -1 Chelsea
Reading 0 - 2 Bolton

Get Some!
Birmingham 1 -1 Derby (0-1)
Newcastle 1 - 1 Boro (2-2)
L'pool 3 - 0 Sunderland (3-1)

Hey clown, we're 2 points clear
Man City 1 - 3 Arsenal (0-1)