Manchester United is a giant Jurassic-sized mosquito in my life. The club is too big for me to nonchalantly swat away, the resulting damage from its bite has left me pale, sallow, weak, and it is generally sucking my will to live.
Or, at least, the club is bleeding out any enjoyment of the EPL (suck it, Barclays!) season. I just wish some club named Off! would come around to rid us of this pest.
Sunday was likely the climax of the season when previously impotent road team Manchester City held an uninspired Liverpool to a 1-1 draw at Anfield. Ironically, the Manchester Blues handed hated city rivals the Manchester Reds a seven point advantage at the top of the table and given the Borg-like efficiency of the Red squad likely will never relinquish.
The next twelve EPL (suck it, Barclays!) matches are just the denouement of this year’s story tying up the loose ends of what seemed such a promising story in December.
Give Manchester United its due, Blackburn did its best Bilbo Baggins performance wounding the previously impenetrable (at least for the past umpteen matches) United scales with a Roque Santa Cruz strike, but ManU still prevailed 2-1 keeping Rovers in the drop zone. The Paraguayan’s manager last season is the current (checks internet, yup still there) Citeh manager and was Santa Cruz’s suitor this January transfer season managed to stay his execution with Sunday’s draw. Really, all that seems to be of interest anymore is the relegation battle and European slots.
To help maintain interest, and to obtain executive support earn a bit more revenue, it might be time for the EPL to consider a playoff system. It may not be Game 39, but it would certainly add some drama to season’s end. Plus, it could serve a dual purpose of making the Jurassic-mosquitoes extinct or at least less common.
In the US, soccerphiles have long proselytized on the greatness of the relegation system. So, it seems appropriate that EPL borrow a staple of the US sports systems (sans college football, of course)—the playoffs. Surely, the EPL (suck it, Barclays!) could wring a few more ducats out of it.
What kind of system would it be? I can envision four different formats—with 2, 4, 6, or 8 teams—each with pluses and minuses.
Two teams—only the top two point totals in the regular season make the playoff. It could be a home-and-away or one-off at Wembley. It has the benefit of not adding much to the season, but really doesn’t affect the power structure.
Four teams—the top four point totals get in with the title and the top CL qualifying spot up for grabs. These could be home-and-away series or just one-offs with the higher seed with homefield advantage in the semis and the final at Wembley. Again, this doesn’t really affect the current power structure, but at least it keeps the title alive until the end of the season and more teams have an incentive to play in the final weeks.
Six teams—top six point totals qualify with the top two getting a bye to the semis while the next four play one-offs with the highest point totals getting homefield. This format would only add two weeks to the season if the first round is played midweek, semis on the weekend and the final at Wembley a week later. Plus, the winning team would get the top qualifying CL spot and the title, potentially shunting the fourth place regular season squad to the UEFA Cup, which would bring all sorts of excitement to the competition. This has the potential to be the best option not adding too many games or time to the season but including enough teams to potentially disrupt the current power structure.
Eight teams—essentially the same as the six-team format without the byes. The drawback with this format is that you are getting to NBA-numbers for playoff inclusion, which cheapens the regular season a bit too much adds too much time to the season.
Would the EPL ever extend the season for playoffs? The Cola-ship already has them and I think it has been a success. Other European leagues have playoffs as well. I think it is workable with two caveats of working within the CL framework to prevent fixture congestion if an EPL club progresses to the final stages and the worry of having too long of a season.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Whither EPL Playoffs?
Colaship Review: Fight Time. Who Wants It?
Thats Norwich on the left and Plymouth in their 'gray fur' away kit.It's been a few weeks, I know. The thing is, punters, it's been very hard to write about the Colaship. In fact, just peeking at the table through my fingers brings panic. My heart races and misery settles in for the rest of the day. My beloved Norwich are in the bottom 3, needing maybe 5 or 6 wins to survive. But it's not just at the bottom that trouble is brewing, Wolves are doing their best to blow the title, but no-one else seems to want it!
Wolves have lost 2 (Burnley and Coventry) and drawn 2 (Norwich and Cardiff) in their last 4. In short, they're doing their best to choke the title, but Birmingham and Reading have wasted the golden opportunity to jump ahead. Wolves look nervous and desperate at the moment. They only managed a point this weekend thanks to an absolute shocking keeper error by Cardiff's bungling goalie Dimitrios Konstantopoulos. Konstantopoulos dropped the ball over his line to gift Wolves at point at home. Wanderers are remarkably still four points clear at the top.
Birmingham blew the chance to make up ground on their midlands rivals by losing at home to Coventry last Saturday, a team that is in serious form after beating Wolves recently too. Oh, and it's a Coventry side who visit Norwich next week (crying inside). In fact, Bongo have just one win in their last four and Alex McLeish must be fuming at the wasted chances to catch Mick McCarthy's stuttering Wolves.
What about Reading, Bigus? They were second and right up Wolves backside no? Yes they were and they, ironically, beat Wolves just 3 weeks ago. But they too don't want the title either. Two goalless draws (QPR and Preston) and a loss at home to Bristol City this past weekend has left them 5 points adrift of the top.
Does anyone want to win this league?
Let's now look at the teams below occupying the play-off spots.
Cardiff's cup exploits with Arsenal have left them with 4 games in hand over Wolves and if they win them all, they will catch the leaders. With Watford, QPR and Barnsley making up 3 of those late games, it actually looks possible.
Bristol City are en fuego right now. They may have needed Andy D'Urso to gift them 3 points at Carrow Road two weeks ago but have since picked up six points against Southampton and Reading. They did stutter with a loss at Doncaster but this appears to be a blip, and they look set to make the play-offs for the second season in a row. Testament to the incredible management skills of Gary Johnson. Bristol have a home game with Blackpool coming up before a tough visit to Birmingham.
Preston are one of those 'odd' teams. They look fabulous one week and absolute shite the next. They have been picking up points however, and currently sit 5th in the league. But they are punching above their weight and will have a fight on their hands to make the play-off places this year. Sheffield United, Burnley and Swansea are all within distance.
Now for the bottom. This is how the table currently looks.
(Position/Team/Games Played/Goal Difference/Points)
---
15 - Derby 32 -3 41
16 - Doncaster 33 -11 40
17 - Blackpool 34 -14 38
18 - Watford 32 -7 36
19 - Barnsley 32 -11 36
20 - Plymouth 34 -13 36
21 - Nottm F 34 -14 34
--------------------------
22 - Norwich 34 -9 33
23 - Southampton 33 -19 31
24 - Charlton 33 -21 26
As you can see, Norwich are in deep shit. Watford and Barnsley have games in hand to help them out, as do Southampton. But all is not lost. Plymouth are in free fall and have some very tricky fixtures. Forest are in touch and one of Watfords games is with Southampton.
Norwich also have to play Plymouth AND Watford at home and pay a visit to Blackpool.
This coming weekend sees Coventry visit Carrow Road, and Bigus will be there praying for 3 points. Victory at home to the 'Sky Blues', Plymouth, Watford and Sheffield Wednesday are all necessary. I cannot see a victory away from home for the rest of the season except for maybe at the Valley on the last day, and nobody wants to have to rely on that. Trips to Bongo, Swansea and QPR will be fruitless, but points are possible at Blackpool and in the derby at Portaloo Road. Reading and Cardiff at Carrow road is a 'shot in the dark'.
But will 15 or 16 points be enough for survival? Plymouth have a very tough schedule with top three challengers Wolves, Reading and Birmingham. They also have crucial games, that may do Norwich a favor, with Barnsley, Doncaster and Watford. They also have Burnley, OPR and Swansea away. That lot gives me some hope as I can see Plymouth nabbing 8-10 points from the remaining fixtures. Throw in their visit to Carrow Road and our survival could be in our own hands.
The frustrating thing is that we're not playing badly.
Robbed by the worst referee in history (D'Urso) at home to Bristol City and unlucky not to bag a winner at home to Burnley last weekend, City will need to take their chances from now on if they are to stand a chance. The 3-3 draw with Wolves showed we can 'play up' away from home when we want to.
However, Norwich are missing a hero, someone who can bag 4 or 5 goals in 6 games. Whether one shows up is anyone's guess. Cureton is infrequent with his goals these days and Cort has been unlucky but improving every game. Can loanees Killen and Gow step up and help out? Maybe young Luke Daley is the man to hit some form and make an impact like young Chris Martin did two seasons ago. Daley made his debut late on in Saturday's draw. Someone needs to be the catalyst for a run. Hard working performances mean little if the chances are not converted.
Hero to save the day? Young Luke Daley has pace but no experience.
Forest are also in the mix for a drop into 'hell' or 'League One' to use it's correct name. The defeat to rivals Derby has left Forest just one point above Norwich. Forest play Reading next and still have Wolves to play. They also have to face play-off hopefuls Preston, Swansea, Bristol City and Sheffield United. But more importantly, they play no less than four of their relegation rivals -- Watford, Blackpool, Southampton and Barnsley -- and three of the four are away from the City ground. Thank you Lord.
It's going to be a rough ride for sure. Lets hope my ticker holds out.
-Bigus.
Read more on "Colaship Review: Fight Time. Who Wants It?"...
Champions League Preview: Inter Milan v. Manchester United
With all due respect to my compatriots, this is the big match. Sir Alex versus the Special One. Two teams absolutely flying in their leagues. Two of the most entertaining offensive players in Ibrahimovic and Ronaldo. Manchester United's decimated defense (blame the Club World Cup!).
And yet, with all that drama, isn't a bore draw all but inevitable?
For all of Teletubby's talk of "kill or be killed," Manchester United would simply love a nil-nil or 1-1 draw. And the thing about United this year is that the cards always seem to fall their way.... Destiny and the quadruple and all of that.
But, let's look at the positives. Let's look at the unknowns. The biggest will be who exactly forms United's back four. Jonny Evans and John O'Shea traveled to Italy, but both will face last-minute fitness tests (expect the physios to break out lots of the magic spray). After that, and with all due respect to Richard Eckersley and Rafael's twin brother, United have only two fit, available defenders in their squad: Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra. So could we see Darren Fletcher and Michael Carrick pushed into the back line?
On the other side of the pitch, Inter Milan have been in great form in Serie A, where they are 9 points clear of second-place Juve. Mourinho has already announced most of his squad, which will of course include Ibrahimovic, Adriano, Cambiasso and the like. And then there's the good ol' Special One with his very special mouth:Manchester United are a great attacking team but I have watched every one of their matches in the Champions League last season and they changed the way they play away. When they played Barça, they had a different approach.
I am not saying they are afraid. I know United don’t like that word. I know Sir Alex doesn’t like that word. But they respect us and they know they can lose and because of that they won’t try the same approach in the Champions League. They will change more than us.
Really, what Premiership fan doesn't miss Mourinho and his mindgames?
So here is what we know: Inter will be pushing for a win. And Man U will be playing to do as little damage to themselves as possible, in the hopes that they can return to Old Trafford and seal it there. This match therefore comes down to which team can impose their will on the game. At best we'll see the classic tactical battle between Fergie and Jose. At worst, it'll be a lot of tentative holding football.
Prediction: I already gave it away above, but I see a 1-1 draw. Inter come out and score in the first half, Man U get a late equalizer by let's say, oh, Berbatov. I loathe United as much as the next non-Mancurian. But they just have that certain aura about them that championship teams get.
As for Man U's defense, I think that Inter will be so focused on exploiting it that they'll lose some play. Thing is, United still has Rio Ferdinard and Van Der Sar, who should be able to cover up for any mistakes by Fletcher, Eckersley or the red pylon cones that Sir Alex sends out to cover up the gaps in the back line.
God knows my heart is hoping for a smashing 2-0 win by Inter that puts heaps of pressure for the return leg at Old Trafford. My brain just tells me otherwise!
Champions League Preview: Arsenal v. Roma
As the resident UFer who follows Arsenal in a I-like-to-cheer-for-a-team-I-can-actually-see-on-TV- once-in-a-while-and-my-wife-really-liked-
Fever-Pitch sort of way, this preview fell to me. It seems that I alone of our contingent did not fear jinxing the Gunners' progress in the Champions League. Or something like that. Whatever. You're stuck with me.
I don't fear jinxing it, because I don't think Arsenal will advance. Well, that was my initial take on it anyway. When the draw was done and Arsenal were installed as slight favorites, I talked to some betting friends of mine and told them to put money on Roma.
Whether or not they listened to me is their own problem.
Because, you'll see, I don't feel the same way anymore. Arsenal may not have won in a dog's age, but they aren't losing either. Throw away the last Group Stage match against Porto, when Arsenal advancing was already assured, and this team has not lost since the start of December. Nil-nil draws against the likes of Sunderland in the league aren't making the supporters happy, but a couple of nil draws and PK advancement here and they will be, if not ecstatic, happy enough.
Unfortunately, a couple of nil-nil draws might just be what this team needs to get through. New signing Arshavin is cup-tied and, of course, there are the injuries. Rosicky's never coming back. Walcott and Fabs are still a ways off. Now, Eduardo has picked up a hammy to complement Adebayor's.
That's a lot of potential goal scorers who just are not available. Which leaves the Arsenal list of go-to goal scorers at one-and-a-half. Robin van Persie being the one, and Bendtner filling out the rest. While some of the kids (Vela, Wilshere, Ramsey) may have impressed back in the first two League Cup matches, I don't fancy them to step up here.
How, then, does Arsenal have any chance to score?
The answer lies on the other side of the ball. Roma have been woefully inconsistent of late. Two weeks ago, they trounced on-fire-at-the-time Genoa 3-0. They followed that up one week later with a 3-0 loss to Atalanta. Going back through their fixtures, a pattern develops. One week, they shut down an opponent, the next they ship a couple of goals. For this to work in Arsenal's favor, Roma would have had to shut out their last opponent. On Sunday, Roma defeated Siena 1-0.
Roma seem to be built to play an anti-catenaccio. They are strong in the middle of the park, somewhat overwhelming up top, but virtually anonymous at the back (save the street fightin' Mexes). Therefore, the M.O. seems to be: score first; get the other team pressing to score; score again. With the add-in that if Roma go behind, they are unlikely to pull back. That is, Roma will be defeated by catenaccio, but cannot use it themselves. Which does not bode well for Roma when going up against Arsenal.
Prediction: In an odd shift of personality, Arsenal have become defensive stalwarts while they struggle to score goals. In fact, you have to go back to Boxing Day against Villa to find a match that Arsenal allowed more than one goal in. In the ten matches since, Arsenal have conceded only three goals. It's not the Arsenal that I came to know when I first got FSC, but it is an style that suits two-legged ties well. And it's a style that will see Arsenal advance, I think, but I'm not willing to bet on it. Arsenal 2-1 over 2 legs.
Champions League Preview: Atlético Madrid v. FC Porto
Porto almost didn't make it to this point despite winning their group.
Remember last year they were banned from European competitions for bribery allegations that date back to 2003-04 (when Jose Mourinho was still in charge)?
They lodged an appeal early last June and had the ban overturned less than two weeks later on the basis that the allegations hadn't yet been adjudicated.
Porto's president, Jorge Pinto da Costa, was just cleared a couple of weeks ago on individual charges of trying to bribe a match official by providing him with not one but two prostitutes. Their nicknames? Fruit and Chocolate.
The case died when the judge threw out the testimony of a star witness. And who was that witness? Da Costa's ex-wife.
We really should pay more attention to Portugal around here.
By the way, it's not over for da Costa though as he still faces more serious charges and has been suspended by Portuguese league officials since May of '08. So they may be out of future competitions. But back to the here and now because thing are pretty good for the club there (or here).
Here's FC Porto's form in their last, oh, let's go twelve league matches: W-W-W-W-D-W-D-W-W-D-W-W. That's 9-0-3 in the Portuguese Liga.
Porto get good midfield support from Cristian Rodriguez and Lucho Gonzales. The latter has been recovering from a knee injury but should be fit for the match in Spain. More fierce than flash, the former River Plate mid is also Porto's on field leader, so having him healthy should bolster the squad.
Pretty sweet analysis: Having one of your better players back helps you. There's a reason you come to UF.
Porto also have one of the best-named strikers in all of football with Hulk. He's sitting on seven goals through 19 matches, so while not prolific, he's fairly efficient. In fact Porto rely on scoring balance, having four players with five or more league goals to this point in the season.
Defensively, Porto are tops in the Liga with a plus-21 goal difference. How does that translate into Europe? Eh, a healthy Arsenal put a 4-0 pasting on Porto in their first group play match but that's when FCP were still struggling to find form. In the return leg Porto beat the Gunners 2-0, but that was against almost a B-team (Vela, Ramsey, Abou Diaby, Song, Bendtner). So, neither result is enough to draw much from.
As for the opposition,we're pretty sure that "Madrid" means "Madrid" so that must mean that "Atlético" translates roughly as "Tottenham."
Atlético have talent up and down the roster and they suck. Or, more accurately they've been sucking as of late. They are 1-4-3 in their last eight. That's not very good.
They kicked manager Javier Aguirre to the curb a couple of weeks back, but have failed to get the much touted bounce from the new manager Able Resino. And Resino has admitted that he may ask Aguirre for advice on playing in Europe.
I'm sure there's a joke about Atlético and the mattress makers and them already lying on their backs. But look at the roster: Forlan, Aguero, Maniche, Ujfalusi, Simao, Maxi Rodriguez. I'm not sure how this team can be so pitiful.
Full disclosure: Atlético were my dark horse pick to go deep in the Champions League. And I felt like a genius when they came within a late Stevie G goal of winning their group. That seems so long ago that I don't even feel like I'm jumping off a bandwagon, more like I'm jumping off the Adrea Doria, which would be kind of ridiculous because didn't almost everyone get rescued off that boat?
We're not even talking football anymore, are we?
Prediction: For tomorrow, Atlético's strikers should get some room to operate around Porto's slower defenders. On the other end Porto should get some chances against a slightly banged up Atlético back line. In two weeks, eh who knows? Plenty could happen between the legs in the leagues.
But we're going with FC Porto in a mild upset. 1-1 at the Calderón and 2-1 Porto at home for a 3-2 aggregate win.
Champions League Preview: Lyon v. Barca
Round 1 of the Champions League tie between Olympique Lyonnais and FC Barcelona takes place today at the Stade de Gerland in Lyon, kicking off at 2:45 (EST).
Les Gones. Blaugrana. Claude Puel. Pep Guardiola.
These two clubs met last year in the group stage, with a 2-2 result in Lyon and a 3-0 Barcelona victory at the Camp Nou. What awaits them this year in the knockout stage, with Round 1 today and Round 2 on March 11th? In their domestic leagues Lyon has been dominating all competition and holds a 6-point lead at the top while Barcelona have struggled slightly but still remain in first place by 7 points.
The talk coming into this match has definitely been the "poor" form of Barca, who drew 1-1 with Real Betis and lost their derby match against Espanyol 1-2. But this is the Champions League, where Barcelona have a far better record than Lyon. Although the latter club have played in the European competition for the past 6 years, they have never been to the final while Barcelona won in 1992 and 2006 (where, sadly, they defeated Arsenal 2-1 at the Stade de France) and finished 2nd in 1986 and 1994. In this year's competition, Barcelona are the leading scorers as a club, although Messi and Benzema are tied with 5 goals each for individual honors.
Lyon gaffer Claude Puel has made an attempt to downgrade expectations by publicly stating that he feels Barcelona are the best club in the world. To his own team, however, he has stated that they should focus more on their own strengths rather than those of the Blaugrana, noting that both Benzema and Juninho are capable of changing any match. On the opposite side of the pitch Messi will be hoping to play as well against the French club as he did against Les Bleus in the February 11th friendly between Argentina and France.
Lyon come into the match without Clerc and Reveillere, so I would expect the following line-up:
Lloris, Gassama, Grosso, Mensah, Boumsong, Ederson, Toulalan, Makoun, Juninho, Keita, Benzema
Barcelona are missing Abidal, Iniesta and Milito, so I anticipate the line-up as:
Valdes, Alves, Sylvinho, Puyol, Pique, Toure, Keita, Xavi, Messi, Eto'o, Titi
My prediction? I see a 1-1 draw at the Stade de Gerland today, with goals coming from Juninho and Messi. Round 2 will see a 2-0 Barcelona victory, with goals from Eto'o and Titi.
The Magical Foot-Healing Power Of Mammaries
Jermain Defoe, he of the broken right foot, has been spotted at the beach with his current flame Chantelle Houghton obviously hard at work with his rehab. I am going to have to try that soon.
Oh, and don't forget the nice NSWF-ish gallery at News of the World. Two more pics after the jump.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday Backpasses: The scene that celebrates itself.
My favorite musical genre of the 90s was shoegaze. Since we have a couple of navel-gazing links here today, I thought it appropriate to add in a video. Buzzsaw of noise, help me out (not for epileptic dogs):
A couple of quick notes before the links.
1) Although we dutifully did the polling and compiling, the power rankings are being pushed back to next week, in part because of
2) We will be doing previews of all of the Champions League Round of 16 ties around lunchtime tomorrow. Well, four tomorrow and four on Wednesday. We look forward to your presence then.
We have been called "snarky cynics". You have no idea how happy that makes some of us [Zidane Fans]
Hey, some soccer fans from Deadspin started a blog. I wonder why no one tried that before? Seriously, good luck fellas (esp. UF commenter Magnaki Haaskivi) [Avoiding the Drop]
Sorry, Landon. We're glad you tried. But with reviews like this, it's obvious you are coming home [Soccer America]
SAF is devious. Perhaps if he had not signaled his intention, it would have worked [The Spoiler]
You know it's a bad day when you concede 9 as a keeper, and are your team's MotM [Daily Mail]
Some Spanish player cuddles up with drag queens. There's video, you figure out what's going on [Off The Post]
If you skip ahead to 3:10, you can see the new gold standard for missed PKs. David Beckham, you are off the hook because of Edson Buddle [101 Great Goals]
Real want Gooch. Not Madrid, mind you, but Betis [Soccer by Ives]
A write up of Seattle Sounders FC first match. XBox Pitch, really? [Seattle Times]
And a reminder, voting opened today [The Hottie World Cup]
Finally:
"Suck it, Barclays!" gets a properly-credited runout on another blog. If they keep this up, I may have to get rid of the Old Firm Fans Are Twats tag [The Offside]
Key Mistake
Well, we think we've hit upon a standard for reporting these kinds of stories.
Last week we revealed a bit of hesitancy to report of sexual predators because we only ever report the allegation and never tell you if the person gets off (in the legal sense that is).
But if the person gets caught because of his own monumental stupidity, then we'll share. Deal?
This weeks first winner? He's a total winnar!
It's Brendon Key of Nottingham. That's him looking at you there if you couldn't figure it out.
Key, who worked as a football coach with schools in the area, was found with kiddie porn on the same laptop he used in the course of his work as the treasurer of the Young Elizabethan Football League:A quantity of adult porn and two of the child images were found in the same folder as Key's curriculum vitae on the laptop... Key, who is now unemployed, pleaded guilty to two charges of possessing child porn images and 15 of making them, despite initially denying having the images.
So, in case you were unclear on this, labeling a folder on your computer "Kiddie Porn and Resume" is not a good idea.
The judge went easy on him, because he looks like a minor himself.
Well, he does.
For his stupidity Key actually received a three-year community order with 180 hours of community service. He also has to attend 35 sessions of an Internet sex offender program—which I hear are pretty off the hook—and pony up £300.
Okay, again phenomenally stupid to have porn (any kind) on your work computer and Key is no victim here. But amongst the millions of pics of naked chicks floating around the interwebs, how many people have a collection somewhere on their own drive? And how many of those people know with absolute certainty that none of the women is underaged?
Just saying because we know nothing about pornography.
EPL Liveblog: Hull City v. Tottenham Hotspur
Sorry Likely Lad... Spurs' Glory Days are just as far back in historyWhy do we keep doing this to ourselves? Why do we continually subject our souls to this pain and suffering?
I'm not talking about the dismal weekend that just passed, aka "The Weekend the EPL Died", but the unenviable task of liveblogging a game between two teams about as attractive as Dirk Kuyt, and about as successful too.
It's the Battle of 13th vs. 16th!
Why do all signs point to this being awful? Well, Hull have lost 6 of their last 9 in the EPL (the other 3 games being draws, one of which was probably against Liverpool), and it's becoming increasingly difficult to remember the halcyon days of late October, when Hull were perched in 3rd place having accumulated 20 of their 29 points. Since then? 9 points from a possible 48.
Meanwhile, Spurs are sitting on pillows after the "Rape at Donetsk" and 'Arry tinkers with the lineup ahead of the Carling Cup Final on Sunday. Oh, and they've only managed 1 EPL win in their last 9.
I fear the worst.
Join me after the jump for tons of words describing the eye-bleeding nightmare from the KC Stadium. Here's hoping Spurs find some form before trying to topple Sir Alex Ferguson's Quintuple-Chasing Jenga.
Starting Lineups:
--
Hull City, in a "park the bus" 4-4-2: Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Gardner, Dawson, Marney, Ashbee, Zayatte, Kilbane, Garcia, Cousin.
Subs: Myhill, Doyle, Barmby, Geovanni, Halmosi, Manucho, Mendy.
Tottenham, in some kind of attacky, diamond 4-4-2, maybe: Cudicini, Corluka, Woodgate, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Palacios, Modric, Keane, Bent.
Subs: Gomes, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Pavlyuchenko, Dawson, Chimbonda.
Referee: Lee Probert
Spurs are mired in rotations, so Keane and Bent will have a crack up-front while Gomes gets some rest ahead of Sunday, presumably because picking the ball out of the net 4-5 times against United will prove quite energy-sapping.
Hull, meanwhile, have dropped Geovanni and Mendy to the bench (why, I'm not quite sure; they're two of Hull's best players) and brought in Kevin "The Human Mule" Kilbane and Ian Ashbee, presumably to kick lumps out of Luka's legs while holding down the midfield.
We're almost ready for kickoff... Phil is right to feel dread. After all, Hull's PA system is playing that ominous song by Fatboy Slim/DJ Shadow/RJD2 (I forget who it is... sad, I know) that gets all the Northerners reet fired up for a good evenin' out.
Big Sam is in attendance, presumably with a few Sudoku puzzles tucked in his pocket for the dull moments when he's not scouting Blackburn's next EPL opponent.
And there's Robbie Keane with the armband, trying to get the lads fired up in the tunnel. And a Nick Barmby sighting!
As the teams spill out, I think I hear that dreadful song by one-hit "wonders" (and I use the term loosely) Republica. It's hard to find a worse song than that one. Really.
For further proof, consult the video:
Nevermind that, we're ready for kick-off!
1 min: Hull kick off, and immediately hoof it forward. Why am I not surprised?
3 mins: There's Bernard Mendy, warming up after arriving late (thanks, Ibra). Hull win their first corner, which Andy Dawson readies to take...
... and it coulda-woulda-shoulda been 1-0 Tigers! An unmarked header for Richard Garcia in the thick of the six-yard box, but he puts it off-target and despite good work by Gardner to keep it in, the chance is gone.
6 mins: Sam Ricketts does his best Jose Bosingwa impression, sprinting free down the right but failing to do anything with the possession. Spurs clean it up, and then Andy Dawson comes in late on Aaron Lennon, but gets no card.
8 mins: Nevermind, as Dawson gets his card barely a minute later, needlessly shoving Lennon to the floor after he beats him inside for pace. Spurs now have 82 minutes to get Dawson sent off, as he's clearly up for it.
10 mins: Some pressure for Spurs, with their second corner in quick succession. Modric ruined the first one, so he'll try again. It's cleared easily by Kamil Zayatte.
Palacios and Zayatte clash heads, and both appear to be a little dazed. Sorry lads, you're not hallucinating or concussed: you are actually playing in a Hull v. Spurs match on a Monday night.
12 mins: Hull are camping down at Tottenham's end with some good pressure. Corluka gives up a couple of throw-ins, and then concedes a corner under pressure from Cousin. LFC should buy Ricketts, because he is a full-back who appears to be able to cross the ball. Jenas heads over his own bar for the 3rd Hull corner already. Dawson takes, and Woodgate nods it away.
16 mins: Communication Breakdown, it's always the saaaaaaame.... especially when you're Spurs. A speculative long ball by Ricketts brings Cudicini off his line to collect, but Jonathan Woodgate has other ideas! He flicks it back to his keeper but it ends up flying past Carlo's shoulder and slowly towards goal. Luckily for Wooders, Cudicini gets back just in time to stop it going in.
Good spell of pressure for Hull, and Spurs don't appear that capable of stopping them. I repeat: Phil, you were right to be worried.
16 mins: Hull have a couple of shots at goal, to no avail. Spurs break down the other end via Darren Bent, but Gardner tackles him perfectly in the box and concedes a corner.
Modric to take...
... GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and that takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Some dreadful, dreadful defending from the short corner catches Hull out. Modric plays it short to Aaron Lennon standing all alone at the top of the box, and no-one closes him down. He controls and shoots, curling it inside the left post with only Ian Ashbee making the effort to stop him. Pathetic effort at the back by Hull. Hull City 0, Tottenham Hotspur 1
18 mins: Hull come close to equalizing immediately! Zayatte gets through on goal, miraculously, burning past Corluka, but his touch on the ball is lead-footed and Cudicini slide-tackles the ball to safety.
20 mins: The Tigers aren't entirely done yet, but Ashbee's lucky to escape a yellow card with a cynical late tackle on Keane when it looked like Hull's defense was beaten yet again. If Ashbee doesn't trip Robbie, then Darren Bent is 1-on-1 with the goalie. Having said that, there's no guarantee that Bent would finish even with those good odds.
23 mins: Saying the game had become "scrappy" would be an understatement. Darren Bent thinks he's won another corner, but the ref says it's a throw. It was obviously a corner, for those keeping score at home. That's how unexciting things are at the moment.
The last 5 minutes, in bullet-point:
- throw-in
- throw-in
- corner
- tackle
- free-kick
- throw-in
- sideways passing
- complete and utter boredom
26 mins: Ugly stuff. Hull get a move going with a long ball to Cousin. He holds it up and gives it to Ricketts wide. His cross is ballooning a mile away from goal, but Corluka decides to thigh it behind for a corner, just to make sure. They waste that one, but then win another corner as Ashbee's cross gets deflected behind...
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, Michael Turner. It all comes back to that needless corner conceded by Corluka. The theme of the day is "absolutely woeful defending".
On corner #2, Cudicini shows why he's better off collecting paychecks on the bench for the better part of a decade, coming to collect the corner but muffing it miserably. It takes a knock towards goal, and Turner bundles it in. Is it just me, or should Spurs spend 50 million pounds on Iker Casillas? Nevermind, it wouldn't make a lick of difference. I'm beginning to think there's a curse on Spurs goalkeepers. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1
Definitely one of the worst goals you'll see all season.
28 mins: Danny Cousin attempts to atone for the ugly goal by ripping a wicked shot from 20-odd yards, but it's narrowly wide of the post. Good effort.
30 mins: Another corner for Spurs. Modric delivers right in the danger area, but Woodgate's flick lands at Ledley King's feet. From 8 yards out, he does what you'd expect him to do: spoon it over the bar.
33 mins: Hull with more good pressure. I'd put money on 'em scoring again before Spurs do. The last 10 minutes have seen Hotspur playing headless chickens while Hull try to grit, spirit and hustle the ball into the net.
Dean Marney lofts a cross to the back post, but Garcia can only half-volley it wide.
'Arry looks livid on the sidelines. I don't think he's happy with his squad. AGAIN. Expect the post-game chatter to involve him eviscerating the old boss for the players he's now forced to work with.
37 mins: Spurs' midfield has become as effective as wet toilet paper. Palacios loses possession and Hull break with Garcia, but his through-ball to Cousin was too heavy, not that it mattered; Danny C was a mile offside.
Spurs have subs warming up already. Both Dawson and Pavlyuchenko have been forced to jog and tip-toe down the sideline. Will we see the rare sub before half-time that isn't due to injury?
39 mins: THERE! I SEE ROBBIE KEANE WITH BALL AT HIS FEET! He gives it to Aaron Lennon, presumably so he doesn't have to do anything, and Lennon wins a corner. Modric tries it short again as the Tigers only send one out to defend, but it is cleared rather easily. Don't bring that weak cross action into Michael Turner's house.
40 mins: Ahh, a shame, that. Hull with another great move, cued by another good, strong run by Sam Ricketts. He played Marney free wide on the right and continued his run, meeting Marney's cross in the middle but it was just an inch too high for him. His free, open header ends up wide of Cudicini's goal.
42 mins: Ian Ashbee shows why he's the Hull captain, lumbering into Modric's stomach/forehead with his boot and getting a yellow card for his neanderthal challenge. Spurs put the free-kick deep, but Keane-o is offside. Whoops, Robbie.
44 mins: It's all rather frantic in the midfield as Hull throw themselves at the ball with every opportunity, breaking up the middle yet again with Kevin Kilbane. Modric trips him for no apparent reason (Kilbane was all alone moving forward), and gets himself a yellow card. Dean Marney and co. stand over the ball, 30 yards out, ready to take.
Andy Dawson takes it with his left foot and bends it high and wide over the top.
2 minutes to be added on... I wish it weren't true.
45 mins + 1: Robbie Keane is whistled for a foul in the Hull area, much to his amazement. That spell at Liverpool has done wonders for his confidence.
Darren Bent is then caught offside in pursuit of a long ball, surely meaning the end of this first half. I really hope it is the end.
HALF TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1
Not the worst match I've ever seen, but it's coming close. The Tigers are running rampant in midfield, but only have that one bundled goal to show for it. Meanwhile, Robbie Keane and Darren Bent have shown themselves to be complete and utter shit.
To illustrate, another song from the melodically-challenged band, Republica:
The combination of that needless techno beat, mixed with those lazy pop-rock guitars, makes me want to murder
And we are back.
48 mins: Spurs win a corner off Turner and take it short to Lennon, but he wastes it. It's cleared as far as Jenas, and he does more than he's done all day, skipping past one challenge and crossing from the byline, but Zayatte heads it out for a corner.
Spurs try the same trick, taking it short to Jenas who's standing much where Lennon was when he scored, but it amounts to nothing. Still, Hull fail to clear, and Bent forces a decent save with a low volley.
The Tigers counter and win a corner of their own, the 13th corner of the game.
Cudicini makes a mess of it again, and it drops to Kilbane who shoots on the turn, blocked at the last second by Lennon.
51 mins: But wait, another Spurs corner! Zayatte clears it without too much trouble.
52 mins: It's all happening now! The corner is cleared as far as Robbie Keane. The Irishman dribbles to the edge of the box and cuts it back for Palacios, and his volley is blocked by Antony Gardner. The defender didn't know much about that, considering the speed on the shot... surely a goal if Gardner's chest didn't absorb that one...
... and it's another Spurs corner. It's cleared after Jenas fluffs his shot, but it comes to Modric, who dribbles past Turner but takes one too many touches and puts his cross/shot over the bar. Goal kick Hull, and a temporary lull in the flurry of corner kicks.
55 mins: Duke shanks a backpass right to Robbie Keane, and in trying to lob the keeper, he chips it 10 yards wide of the post. Not good, Robbie. I wonder which of 'Arry's relatives could have scored that. His nan? his aunt?
It's all Spurs thus-far in the second half, which inevitably means they'll concede a goal shortly.
57 mins: Lennon has a chance to run straight at the Hull defense, but he takes a touch too many and feeds Bent wide, but Bent's pull-back is smothered by the goalie.
Then, at the other end, Cudicini tries to mess up a decent cross from Dean Marney, not catching it but punching it down into the turf right in front of Cousin before collecting it on the bounce.
Another Spurs corner! I cannot keep up. Modric wastes it.
59 mins: Darren Bent can't control the long ball, and the video cuts to a crimson-faced 'Arry on the touchline, gesticulating wildly and yelling to anyone who will listen.
Hull win a corner off Ledley King, and it's Marney to take from the left...
... Cudicini bitch-slaps it to safety, and when Ricketts floats it back in, Gardner is a mile offside and the danger disappears.
Spurs break with Lennon in the middle, and Palacios wins ANOTHER CORNER when his weak cross is deflected behind. Don't worry Tigers fans... Modric wastes it.
It's alright though, as they win another f*cking corner off Sam Rickett's back. Modric puts it to the back post, where Darren Bent fouls in the air. Dismal. By my count, 22 corners thus far?
63 mins: Nothing of note happening. Just more wasted corners and long throw-ins. Spurs do at least have some stability in the midfield so far in the second half, but they're doing as much with it as Hull, that is to say, nothing.
Dear oh dear, Aaron. With a good, quick attack, Lennon cuts it back to the top of the box, where it finds Ian Ashbee. Hull break down the left with Dean Marney, but Kilbane puts the header into the side netting from close range.
66 mins: Lennon is bundled down 25 yards out, and Modric actually delivers a good cross. He floats it onto Corluka's noggin, but his free header skims off the top of the bar. Nice work by the Croat duo.
Phil Brown takes a second to make a substitution, removing Daniel Cousin in favour of Bernard "Tardy" Mendy. Here comes the 4-5-1, folks...
70 mins: It's become very sloppy. A few fouls, a throw-in here and there. Robbie Keane just lost possession in the Hull area while trying to make room to shoot, and Pavlyuchenko is ready to enter the fray at the next stoppage.
But who will he replace? Bent, or Keane? Which storyline will the press harp on endlessly in response?
72 mins: Yep, and it's Dazza Bent. An utterly crap game by the No. 10, and here comes a Spurs striker lacking in confidence to replace a Spurs striker lacking in confidence. The other Spurs striker lacking in confidence is still on the pitch, while the only Spurs striker with confidence continues to rehab his injury. Hilarious, really.
74 mins: Corner to Hull, after great defending by Ledley King to deny Marney some room.
It's corner #20, so I was wrong earlier.
Mendy fouls Palacios, apparently, although it looked like the Spurs midfielder wrapped himself around Bernard's legs first. That said, it doesn't matter. The long ball to Pavs is a waste, as the Russian is offside.
Discussion Question:
Which Russian striker will have more of an impact in the EPL over time? Arshavin, or Pavlyuchenko?
76 mins: Corner #21, this one for the home side. What will they do with this one? Andy Dawson to take...
... so close!! Kamil Zayatte has a free header, and puts hit off the far post with Cudicini beaten. Hull have Corner #22 immediately, but Zayatte puts that free header agonizingly wide.
Darren Bent is on the bench icing the side of his head, presumably to soothe the perforated eardrum he just received from a furious 'Arry. The cold stops the bleeding, apparently.
79 mins: Hull make another substitution, bringing off an exhausted Dicky Garcia and putting Manucho on for the final 10 minutes.
80 mins: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzHull caught offsidezzzzzzzzzzz
Tonight's attendance was almost 25,000. I am amazed.
Mendy's offside again, and the vein in Phil Brown's temple begins to bulge ominously. He's not happy, and neither am I... this game has been rubbish since half-time.
82 mins: Dean Marney has time and space to run and shoot, but it's blocked by Woodgate for a throw-in.
Andy Dawson has a head injury, as he dared to clash with the mighty Pavlyuchenko. He looks alright, however. It's the rest of us that are worse for wear.
85 mins: Pressure for Spurs, as Duke slices his clearance out for a throw-in. Jenas has a shot, but Gardner gives up another corner.
Modric to take short to Lennon...
... and GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL. The most undeserved goal in the history of anything ever. The corner is bungled, as one might expect, but Assou-Ekotto picks up the pieces, loses his marker on the left wing, and floats in a wonderful cross that Jonathan Woodgate powers in at the far post. Not much Hull's backline could do about that, but shit... the law of averages would dictate that after some 14-odd corners, you'd get one right. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2
Phil Brown puts on Giovanni to replace Zayatte, as a desperate late move.
'Arry puts Zokora on to protect the lead, removing Aaron Lennon.
88 mins: Woodgate cannot stop putting his head on things! After meeting that BAE cross a minute ago, he puts his head on Corluka's elbow and splits his eyebrow open. Claret spilled everywhere! 'Arry brings him off and gives Michael Dawson a run-out, against his brother. What intrigue!
90 mins: Cudicini does well under a cross for once, leaping and holding onto the ball under pressure from Marney.
4 minutes of added time, and if the result holds, a cruel twist of fate for a Hull side that looked good value for at least a point.
90 mins + 2: CORNER FOR HULL. Can they steal an equalizer?
The cross is met by Cudicini's fist, but Spurs can't scramble it too far from goal and Robbie Keane gives up a throw-in deep at the Spurs end.
It's cleared to Andy Dawson, but he puts a cross out for a Spurs goalkick. D'oh.
90 mins + 3: This is it, folks! 70 seconds from victory for a crap Spurs team that'll have trouble keeping the score under double digits on Sunday. I will be sure to report back, as I'll actually be at that game. Should be good.
A long ball into the Spurs box is flicked on as far as Geovanni, but he can't meet the flick and Cudicini collects.
FULL TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2
A rubbish game of football, but Spurs get a win thanks to Woodgate's forehead. The home crowd boo and hiss, while 'Arry and his limp-wristed lads climb up to 14th.
The winless streak for the Tigers continues, and Spurs are now 5 points clear of the drop. I'm not entirely convinced they'll avoid it, but this massive away win will help.
I'm off to bathe in chloroform to get the stink off. I feel dirty for having watched that. Thanks for playing along in the comments!
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