Pompey Hope Crouchaldinho Likes Falafel

DiCaprio is an Italian name, right? Sign him up!

Sulaiman Al-Fahim brokered the deal whereby Abu Dhabi Group (for which he is a member of the board) took over Manchester City. Okay, fine, he helped out some of his potentate friends when they needed a new play-thing. Only now, Al-Fahim (excuse me, Dr. Al-Fahim) has bought Pompey from embattled owner Sacha Gaydamak (cue the "you know how I know you're gay" jokes) for an undisclosed amount. While the club is currently £65m in debt (that's slightly over $100 million - Abramovich thinks that number is "cute"), an influx of Middle Eastern oil and real-estate money is likely to fix that issue soon enough. But there are other issues lurking.


Al-Fahim has an MBA from the Kogod (who knew Unsilent Majority had his own school!) School of Business at American University, and received his Ph.D. from American as well, so he presumably knows what he is doing. An alleged child chess prodigy, he founded a sports financing company (the Sulaiman Al Fahim Group) at age 18, and is currently the CEO of Hydra Properties, a United Arab Emirates real estate company he founded in 2005 at age 28. The latter has reeled in over $2 billion in real estate projects, leading Al-Fahim to describe himself as a billionaire philanthropist (note: people younger than me should not be richer than me).

Today some more details regarding the sale of Portsmouth were announced, and Al-Fahim noted that his financing was obtained with the help of a "network of Asian and Middle Eastern investors" including Falcon Equity, for which he is also a board member. The latter was also involved in an aborted purchase of Chelsea earlier this year, so it is clear that Al-Fahim has been looking to get involved with another EPL team for some time now.

There has been the usual talk regarding staying true to the Pompey faithful and making moves to get the club into European competition, but given Al-Fahim's previous comments regarding potential Man City transfer targets Ronaldo, David Silva, and everyone else under the sun (none of which came to fruition) one has to wonder how much of this bluster will come true. However, the bigger concern has been the connection to the Man City purchase and how that will affect how Pompey conduct their business on the pitch. If Man City need 3 points for a spot in Europe and they play a Portsmouth club with nothing to gain or lose, will the latter lay down? Al-Fahim claims that his involvement with Man City ended immediately after the deal last September, but he remains a board member of Abu Dhabi group.

Even more importantly, if I was a Pompey supporter I would be worried that my club has just been bought by the Middle Eastern Donald Trump.

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Don't Give Cubs' Fans Any Ideas

Famed Brazilian club Fluminense are experiencing a bit of a rough patch. Currently 12th in the table, they have but one win in the start to the admittedly young 2009 Brasileirao. They were knocked out of the Brazilian Cup by Corinthians. And then got pasted 4-1 by Santos over the weekend.

So fans reacted in the only reasonable manner possible. They attacked the team at practice.

About 30 fans of Brazilian club Fluminense entered the training grounds yesterday to protest, confronting some of the players for their disappointing results in recent matches.

Fluminense midfielder Diguinho started arguing with one of the interlopers and the fan responded by punching him in the stomach. Security guards then arrived and fired two shots into the air to break up the fracas. Yeah, shots. Good thinking.

Man, American sports are so tame. Ron Artest goes into the crowd after a fan throws a drink at him and the entire league goes into crisis mode like the apocalypse in neigh. Fans attack a team in Brazil, that's called "Tuesday."

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Arsenal's Dueling Ownership Are Having the Best Week Ever

Boy howdy, this football season sure has ended with a whimper, huh? One minute it’s all title races and contentious cup draws, the next minute it’s summer vacation and transfer speculation (and yes, I know the FA Cup Final hasn't been played yet, just saying).

Amongst the Arsenal supporters, one of the more interesting -- and by interesting that I mean tedious -- storylines this summer will be the ownership struggle between Jabba-the-Hut-impersonator Alisher Usmanov and mustached American billionaire Stan Kroenke. Kroenke seems to be in the driver’s seat thanks to his positive relationship with the Arsenal board, but Usmanov appears quite incapable of going away quietly.

After the jump, find out why both Kroenke and Usmanov are having the Best Week Ever.


Let’s start with Stan Kroenke. In addition to his stake in Arsenal FC, Kroenke also owns the Denver Nuggets, who are in the midst of an NBA Western Conference playoff series with the L.A. Lakers. Since joining the NBA from the old ABA, this is only the Nuggets third trip to the Conference Finals, with the most recent being back in 1985. So, you could forgive the Nuggets' management if they hadn’t exactly planned ahead.

That lack of foresight led to a double booking of the Pepsi Center this past Monday. The other party that thought it had the venue booked? A WWE wrestling event. In the end, the WWE was forced to relocate, which led to a rather bizarre skit in which a fake Stan Kroenke told the audience of pimply 15-year-olds, “Do you think that I care that I screwed thousands of WWE fans? I do not. I have much more important things to do with my team than worry about you people.” The skit ended with WWE impresario Vince McMahon shoving the fake Kroenke. Which once again proves true that wrestling is not exactly Henrik Ibsen.


Meanwhile, professional fat guy Alisher Usmanov has expanded his run of overpaying for investments by pouring $200 million into Facebook. According to Forbes, this investment actually came through Digital Sky Technologies, of which Usmanov is not an official owner but who reportedly has a “substantial” stake.

The valuation of Digital Sky’s investment is over 300% where previous private equity had pegged Facebook's valuation (short version: Digital Sky overpaid). Forbes also points out that Usmanov has a fairly poor track record of investments lately, including a bad bet on something Norilsk Nickel. We can only guess what this might mean for Facebook's future (speaking of which, befriend us here!)

So, these are the two people who will be battling it out this summer to control Arsenal FC. In the meantime, they are both having..... the Best Week Ever!!

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Somebody Really Wants to Win 'World's Biggest Dick' Award

Wow, just wow.

So, a United fan in Nigeria is so upset about the Champions League loss he drives his bus into a crowd of celebrating Barcelona fans and kills four of them. Dick.

Jesus, at least upset Arsenal fans are classy enough to only take their own lives.

Read more on "Somebody Really Wants to Win 'World's Biggest Dick' Award"...

Whoa, Hold On. You Mean Torres Isn't Gay?

Hard to believe that a guy with his own name tattooed on his arm in Tengwar script would be into chicks but apparently Fernando Torres likes one of them enough to marry her.

Which he did. Yesterday. We think.

Como se dice "shotgun" en Español?

Seems while the rest of the footballing world was looking at a shiny object ("Look: a Champions League final") Nando got hitched to Olalla Domingez who is seven months preggers.

Her name becomes a lot less fun to say when you remember that a "ll" in Spanish is the rough equivalent of a "y" in English.

Sure Liverpool fans will sport wood when they find out that she sported a Red dress.

There's a little more detail from Kickette here. And some Spanish press here. From the latter it seems they've been together for 10 years so this might be surprising only to his domestic [strike] partner David Villa.

Read more on "Whoa, Hold On. You Mean Torres Isn't Gay?"...

Wednesday Backpasses: This does not get old

Tough day for my friend Thomas. He's a Man U AND Blackhawks fan. Sometimes, sports are no fun.

That mystery American who bought into Sunderland is taking full control of the club [Eurosport]
And it looks like he is bringing in Steve Bruce [Guardian]
Trouble in Norway. Mascot punches player in face [Off The Post]

Umm, this is Cisse and Eduardo bad. African player gets leg broken in excruciating detail. Avoid if you are squeamish [Total Pro Sports]
Frank Lampard dresses up to meet a princess [Kickette]
To be fair, Eugenie was wearing these [GTTF]
More trouble in Portland. How long until the team is pulled? [MFUSA]

Finally:
If the first paragraph doesn't sell you, maybe the rest will. NBC really did not want you to watch the CL final [NBCSports]

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How to get in trouble in Greece

Apparently, it's not difficult. And no, it has nothing to do with wearing AEK Athens colors in Olympiakos territory, either.

No, this is a spin-off of the classic tale "Boys Behaving Badly on Holiday", although when you see all the pictures, you might wonder what all the fuss what about.

A group of 17 current and former players for Hanham Athletic and Hanham's Sunday League team went on holiday to the island of Crete, and as is customary with team vacations, they brought some dress-up gear to be worn humiliatingly around town while hopping from watering hole to watering hole.

Long story short, they were arrested, but not for being drunk and disorderly...

the locals have decided enough is enough, however, and the footballers were arrested and accused of causing offence to the Catholic Church with their outfits.

Good way to kick off your holiday, isn't it?

The group were released by the judge once the case was brought to court, but not before they spent some time getting acquainted with the local, ahem, facilities:

(Club Secretary Mick) Underhill, 59, said he and his team-mates, aged 18 to 65, were marched into a courtroom in the Crete capital of Heraklion yesterday morning still dressed in the risque garb after spending 40 grueling hours in a 'cramped' and 'disgusting' prison cell.

Speaking from a bar in Malia, now a free man, Mr Underhill said: 'The last 48 hours have just been unbelievable. It's no doubt something we will never forget.

'The prison facilities were horrendous. You wouldn't let the dog use the toilets in there. There was graffiti all over the walls. We were all squeezed into one cell with eight concrete beds - and we had to buy food if we wanted to eat.'

Can't be much worse than the toilets at Southend, can it?



So, lesson learned. Don't stuff your 65-year-old body into a spandex nun's costume on one of the largest Greek islands. It's still better than what they do at Manchester United holiday parties.

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Liveblog: Champions League Final- Barcelona v. Man United

Commence haunting, feverish classical music... or just the Chaaaaampions song. That'd work too

Greetings from the Stadio Olimpico in Roma... I mean an Irish bar in New York City... I mean my couch, with a doped-up cocktail of cold medicine! But enough about me, your not-so-humble, meekly constituted liveblogger. Today is the Day of Days. The most exciting evening of this footballing season is upon us. United and Barca, champions of their respective domestic leagues, have been the best in the world (see: UF Power Polls) for the better part of a year. Now in just minutes they shall settle it all on the Roman turf.

Could there have been a better matchup? Has there ever been? Simon Kuper, author of Football Against the Enemy, and a columnist for the Financial Times, posits that just maybe, this is as good as it's ever been.

More questions, quotes, predictions, lineups, then the action... all after the jump.



First and foremost, we put our sacred honor on the line:

Lingering Bursitis says... "2-1 Barcelona in extra time"
Precious Roy: "3-2 Blaugrana on a 89th minute strike from Titty"
Autoglass adds, "I'm going 3-2 Barca as well"
ian is bold: "5-4 Barca hattie for Titty final of the decade"
u75 is bland: "1-0 Man U"
The Liveblog Lad is hopeful: "3-1 Barca. Remember Eto'o."
Bigus Dickus reports from The South, "1-1, pens." No indication of what he believes will transpire in the lotto.



Here are the teams:

United:
Van der Sar
O'Shea, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra, Carrick, Anderson, Giggs, Park, Ronaldo, Rooney
Subs: Kuszczak, Berbatov, Nani, Scholes, Rafael, Evans, Tevez.

Barca:
Valdes, Puyol, Toure, Pique, Sylvinho, Busquets, Iniesta, Xavi, Messi, Eto'o, Henry.
Subs: Pinto, Caceres, Gudjohnsen, Krkic, Keita, Rodriguez, Muniesa.

Per Lingering Bursitis: I'm thinking 4-3-3s for everyone!

Quotes from Rome, courtesy BBC:

The Players...

Lionel Messi: "Cristiano Ronaldo is a player I'd pay to watch. He and I are very different, but he is unbelievable, very special. As for me, I have no desire to ever leave Barca. I owe them so much. The doctors at home in Argentina told my parents I would never grow past 4ft 5in. Nobody took a chance on me apart from Barcelona. I want to repay them for the rest of my career."

Cristiano Ronaldo: "It's normal that people speak about me but I am 100% focused on this game. I will try to help my team 100%, score a goal and win the game. That's it."

Wayne Rooney: "Barcelona are one of the most attractive and exciting teams in Europe so it'll be a difficult night. Lionel Messi is an amazing player. He's so quick, his control is unbelievable and he scores goals. In my eyes he's one of the best."

Thierry Henry: "I've definitely changed opinions about me this season. Now I feel the affection of the Camp Nou fans. This is a club where, to triumph, you have to understand not only the fans but the club., the city and the fact that Catalonia is not Spain. That took me too long to realise when I arrived."

Patrice Evra "You can be the best in Europe but when you beat a team like Barcelona you can be more proud... I have respect for Chelsea but against Barcelona it will be an amazing final."

"You will remember it every day for the rest of your life if you win a Champions League final against Barcelona... This is not only the Champions League final, this is something else."

The Legends...

Sir Bobby Charlton: "I've seen Sir Alex at close quarters more than anyone else, so I think with his record I would have to say yes. Not only what he's done at Manchester United but the influence he has on other young managers - there are lots and lots of young managers who dream of achieving what Sir Alex Ferguson has done."

Johan Cruyff: "Manchester United play good, daring football and it will be a great spectacle. The suspensions of Daniel Alves and Eric Abidal hurt Barca more than Darren Fletcher's hurts United because if you look at the English team's bench, you can see they have the stronger squad."

The Peanut Gallery...

Fabio Capello: "You are talking about two teams loaded with top-class players, all of them capable of deciding the outcome with a single move. They are the two most entertaining teams in the world and let's hope that the final will be entertaining too."

Henry Winter: "It'll be Wayne Rooney's sort of game. He will probably play wide left against Carlos Puyol, who is an ageing right-back and I think it'll be Rooney's final. If Manchester United win, I think they will be the greatest British team of all time, eclipsing the Liverpool team of 1984."


2:05 PM-- First ESPN eyesore! In SC rundown, they swap Champions League for "UEFA Cup" as if they are one and the same. As if!

2:24 PM: One minute to the Chaaaaaampions!

2:26 PM: Our Preeeecious, Roy, is at Chi-town's Fearon's to watch. By 30 mins to kick he reports that not only is the place less full than last year, he's the only one not in United gear. Might seem odd, but when you figure that a United-Chelsea final was the gloryhunter convention of the decade, it kinda makes sense.

2:33 PM: So do we need an expert to tell us United are looking to clog up the midfield, in an effort to stifle Xavi & Iniesta, and cut them off from Messi, Eto'o, and Henry? Of course, with United, most of those "stifling" midfielders are perfectly capable of potting one from 30 yards. Head vs. Heart here...


2:38 PM: Lingering Bursitis reports:

pick of the twitter #championsleague

kingjbell: Funyuns and pineapple fanta got a n***a on!!! Chillin bout to watch the champions league final flippin between dat and the french open!

Indeed, kingjbell, indeed. Funyuns and Pineapple Fanta. WHO CAN TOP THAT???

2:41 PM: Terrifying Bjork-esque Gold-plated Mermaid character carries CL trophy onto field as teams emerge from underneath.

Gladiator reference #3 is registered by Mr. Rae. Over/Under for the match? I think 17.

2:43 PM: Oh really, Derek Rae? Haaaad to make the Swiss ref/neutrality joke? Neeever saw that coming. Someone studied their playbook last night.

2:45 PM ET: We're off! (Sounds looooud!)

1: United look like Real in their silky whites. Barca should hope...

2: Ronaldo free kick knuckles under Valdes, who just gets a hand to it... deflection pushed out for a corner, which is cleared.

4: Rooney wheels around to find Park shooting down the right. Alas, it's a bit tall for the Korean. Goal kick.

5: I too am trying digest this "Ronaldo alone up front" business. He's either drifted left, or ESPN is just fuckin' with us.

7: United are owning possession so far. No meaningful touches for any of Barca big boy, thus far.

8: Ronaldo with his second shot. Off-target, but nooot by much.

9: Evra sends in Ronaldo, who settles a bouncing ball, only to pull it just left of Valdes's post. That might have been 1-0...

10: 1-0 Barcelona!! Iniesta feeds Eto'o, who snaps one under Edwin's left hand

Go check the predictions, please... I really need to start gambling

12: So this whole "first goal" thing seems to have had an effect on the Catalans. They have taken the initiative.

13: Messi pulled down after a comedy of errors by United (Carrick then Anderson)... no whistle.

16: Gerry Pique blocks a freewheelin' Ronaldo after giving up possesion. He sees yellow. Ronaldo has another shot from steps outside the box.

Giggs takes it with the left foot... aaaaand.... sends a balloon into the crowd. Goal kick.


Bigus just saw Giggs miss the target on this television, in lovely Lake George, NY


19: Messi cuts in from the right, his shot just barely over vdS's glove and the crossbar.

21: Ronaldo take his chance now. His comes from a bit further out, but misses by just as narrow a margin. Balls skips wide right on slick turf.

22: Valdes is a bit nicked up after Park runs into him. Looks like he's done taking goalkicks.

United corner now...

23: Giggs into a well-marked Ronaldo, who heads way over the bar.

Pique takes the goal kick.

25-26: Barca hold possession, look more and more threatening. Look like European champions...

26: Iniesta dragged down by Anderson.. free kick for Xabi, 25 yds out.

Goes two feet wide of the upper 90. Goal kick.

28: Messi grabs Carrick's penis as they go tumbling about the middle of the pitch.

(over the shorts, excuse me)

29: United going to the loooong ball. They fail, at first. Trying to spring Rooney...

32: Rooney feeds Evra on the left wing, his high cross is nodded clear by Pique, with Ronaldo stalking nearby. United are a bit cautious, but starting only now to recover from the shock of 0-1.

33: Barca again dancing around the midfield. I keep counting passes, juust in case they pull an Argentina and string together 27(?) before scoring the deuce.

35: Puyol with a hard low cross that Vidic punches out for a corner.

Evra heads out for another.

Pique just misses. Defender on his back hurt the cause. Throw in now for United.

37: Rio sets Ronaldo on a run up the left wing. He loses possession, THEN runs into Barca defender. Looking for a blocking call? Closer to a charge anyway. The Swiss fella is unimpressed.

39: Ronaldo and Rooney look a bit confused about who belongs where. Ronaldo dumps off to Wayne, who promptly looks for Evra to his left. Everyone wants that left side. The pass, by the way, goes out into touch. Recriminations!

40: United threaten again. Offside, now.

41: Park looking out of his depth. Berbatov or Tevez on to start the 2nd half, or soon thereafter?

44: Barca are just chipping away... buzzing around the Manc box. We await, the shoe drop...

45: Messi outruns entire United right side, cross is intercepted by vdS, who bobbles, but sees it cleared by Rio.

45 + 1: There'll be only 1 added minute, a testament to the brisk pace so far.

45+2: Iniesta looks for Henry to slither in... just missing.

AAAnd that's the half.

United have got to be glad to trail by JUST one.

Barca probably displeased to have JUST one.

Can't imagine United sends out the same XI as walked off.

HALFTIME nap. Seeya in a few.

Jesus! I'll buy some Heineken, ok?

I enjoyed those few legit commercials here on ESPN 1... then we got back to the hair plugs, soccer.com, and 87 Chaaaaaampions sing-alongs. (actually, how much to rent the pool choir??)

2nd Half:

46: Tevez on for Anderson. No surprise. Languish DImi, languish! Hahahha.

46: From Precious Roy, in Chicago:

"Shirt count [at the bar]: 15 United. 2 Barca. And one confused Mexican in an Arsenal shirt."

Why not a confused Arsenal fan born in Mexico?

47: This is it for United. No games left to play. No need to rest or rotate. Their whole season will be judged, fair or not, on how they respond this last 45 mins. So far, it's all in hand for Barca.

49: Henry set off running down the left, takes a step inside, then out-- spins around the defender-- then it's only VdS to beat. But the Dutchman is up for it.

Barca on the attack again.

50: Now it's Sylvinho pikcing out Eto'o, but again VdS snuffs it out, this time from the air.

51: Barca are running roughshod thru the United defense. Eto'o nearly finds Messi, who may have been tripped-- so he claims-- barreling down the middle.

Barca back in possession.

52: Messi wasn't touched till after the miss, anyway, Barca with another free kick from right at the top of the box... Iniesta dragged down.

53: OOOOOOOh my! Xabi rattles the post. Surely it's a matter of time before Barca strikes again.

Yet, the longer they wait, the more United would be set up for a shocking retaliation.

60: I'm not just slacking. I mean, I am, but not much has happened. United are listless.

One note: if you're watching, ignore me. But Valdes is injured. He's slowed and wearing a big wrap. Sideline reporter has reminded us of this 11x

62: Scholes is warming up.

63: Tevez is taking this "play anywhere" thing to his mongrol heart. He's a ball of energy in the midfield.

Rooney runs in on the right, but Pique defends. Out for a corner.

64: Berbs warming up now. Hmmmm.

He's called "languid" for the 87,436th time this year.

66: Henry gets a stulted shot off from the left side. Saved, easily enough.

66: Berbatov on for Park.

67: Ronaldo delivers a severe elbow to Puyol's hideous melon as they leap together... whistle? Non.

68: Carrick looks for Ronaldo, on a long run down the left, he over-kicks him. (Can I say that? Over-kicks?)

69: Pique knocks another cross out for another corner.

Giggs...

short, and picked up by Messi, who runs the byline until he runs out of space

70: Messi!!!!! Barcelona 2 - United 0 Xabi picks out Messi, who heads easily past VdS

72: Keita on For Titty. Berbatov comes flying back for United, and it's only a swell (get it) save from Valdes that preserves the lead

74: Ronaldo goes into that marauding right back CARLES PUYOL... it's a free kick from just to the left of the box for Barca.

Xabi picks out Puyol who heads a rocket right into VdS's craw.

Scholes on now for the invisible man, Ryan Giggs. A tough way to go out, if he does go out, which he won't. PFA my bollocks.

77: The traveling Catalans are in full throat. SAF looks lost. His work is done, with no subs left. Ronaldo is winding around lookng for 40 yard potshots. This looks... no! I won't say it.

78: Speaking of the devil... Ronaldo races Puyol to the baseline, then body checks him clear at the moment. Yellow for Crissy.

80: The thugs are out, as Scholes does his best to break Busquets leg. He fails. Earns yellow card for his trouble.

83: Read the silence. Nothing is happening. Not as far as United are concerned. Time bleeds away.

84: Ole Ole Ole... Barca are playing keep away in the midfield. Puyol finds a hole eventually, but VdS beats him to it. Alves, what?? Puyol has been a beast on the right!

86: I do wonder, for once, how many KM the Languid Dimitar Berbatov has travelled during his brief spell...

Puyol is officially the opposite of Franco. My point being, he seems popular with the Barca fans... :)

87: Oh, it just gets better. Berbatov scuffs a header, his and probably United's best chance of the half. He looks, emmm, nonplussed. No, no... Laaaanguid.

90: Matter of time now. Whistle! Caaaaahmon!!!!!

3 mins added.

90+2: Pep is pulling a Roy Williams and running out his benchwarmers

Iniesta off for someone. Standing oooooooh!

90+3: It is over in Rome! Barcelona are the new champions of Europe. Hugs all around. And why not? United never had a chance. Xabi and Iniesta win their second straight major title in tandem. They are legends now, if there was any doubt.

Read more on "Liveblog: Champions League Final- Barcelona v. Man United"...

Geordie Requiem

Allow me to interrupt the CL festivities for a tardy farewell to the Fog on the Tyne


So, the EPL loses one of the institutions, one of its loudest, most colorful teams from the North of England. Do I feel bad or sorry for them? Not especially. If I'm honest, I'm rather non-plussed. For Newcastle, the writing's been on the wall for quite some time.

I watched their fish-out-of-water performance on Sunday, in disbelief that their limp effort was that of a team fighting and clawing for its survival in the world's best and most lucrative soccer league.

After the first 20-25 minutes that yielded a handful of gilt-edged chances (wasted time and again by Martins and Viduka), Newcastle retreated within themselves like an old crab. Once Villa took the lead on a freakish deflected goal (incidentally, it came off the heel of their most hard-working player in 2008/09), I felt compelled to pull a trick from the Tuesday Morning Quarterback School of Exposition and thus, I wrote "game over" in my notebook.

They were painfully bereft of invention, sustenance or spirit for a team so well supported and seemingly willed across the finish line by Alan Shearer and Iain Dowie, the pair of highly-touted guidance counselors who managed 1 win their 8 games in charge.

Before that clueless duo, it was Joe Kinnear, a man whose managerial nous was forged in the fires of the 1980s, and yet, the task of keeping Newcastle afloat was literally too much for his heart. Caretakers came and went, but a good deal of blame must be laid at the feet of Kevin Keegan, a man so well-known for his toughness on the pitch and now equally well-known for his timidity and fragility off it.

And the team? 15 players making more than 50,000 pounds a week, and none of them worth it. This list tells the tale, and I don't disagree; just look at some of the names and wages!

Michael Owen hasn't been worth 105,000 pounds since his single season at Real Madrid, while the rest of 'em are somehow still trading on good form from many seasons ago to get a good contract: Viduka, Alan Smith, Geremi, and Kevin Nolan.

And then you look at the riskier buys that all failed -- Coloccini, Cacapa, Xisco, Jose Enrique -- and you're not left with much worth keeping. The Magpies will need to completely overhaul their squad if they're to have any chance of competing.

Who ultimately gets the blame? Not the players, nor the procession of managers, but tubby Southern softie Mark Ashley, the man who bought a valued cultural commodity and turned it into a circus. His public apology was unexpected, but also way too late.

Like we saw with Leeds, it has to get a lot worse before it gets better, and though it's been a while since one of the venerable institutions of top-flight football has tasted the sour mash of the lower leagues, it doesn't mean they are immune.

RIP, Newcastle 08/09. Your fans, cartoonish as they may seem, deserved better. Their club was poorly operated, badly mismanaged, and utterly hopeless on the pitch. Even their former owner agrees.

So what say you, folks? How long until the Magpies get back to the top flight?

=====
My Bold Prediction in Bold:
Middlesbrough will return to the EPL before Newcastle, simply because the one thing 'Boro have going for them is a cohesive, coherent squad. Top to bottom, they're full of youngster blooded and bred through the Academy, and while their expensive imports have largely failed (here's looking at you, Afonso Alves), they have a core of players that are tied to the club for the long haul and with minor tinkering, they should be able to get right back up.

After all, that's what gets you success in the Colaship: a squad full of hungry, younger players that are well-drilled in playing as a unit. Add a couple of experienced vets to the mix, and they should be fine, unless they all start playing diva in the summer and demand transfers to Bolton, Wigan and Birmingham.

Read more on "Geordie Requiem"...

Your Federally Mandated Champions League Final Preview

We're having a hard time getting up for today's Champions League final. Why? Well, some of us have crippled livers that don't detox as efficiently as they used to. Some of us are sick (physically, that is) or bordering on it.

But almost to a man here, we're filled with a little dread. United seem to be the favorites, meaning they repeat as club champions of Europe and pull a quad (not a muscle).

Given our varying allegiances here—everyone but United—an overt fear of the inevitable has put a bit of a damper on today's festivities.

But fuck, this is the Champions League Final. And Barca are going to roll out Lionel Messi, Samuel Eto'o, and Thierry Henry. It's not like Fulham is going out there to line up and roll over for this supposed United juggernaut.

Oh, and did I mention that Fulham beat United the last time they played? Well I just did. Maybe as telling: in a two month stretch across December and January, United dismantled relegation candidates Sunderland, Stoke, Boro, and SF Bolton all by the impressive scoreline of 1-0. Add another 1-0 win over mediocre Wigan in that span and you've got a team that can be positively average on any given game day.

And remember if Porto could have managed to either bury just one of the two near-sitters they missed at Old Trafford or simply to score at home, then United are out in the quarters. And we're talking about an Arsenal v. Barca rematch (indulge me, okay).

Sure Barca had some slips, but they also have a front line that put in 19, 23, and 29 league goals between Henry, Messi, and Eto'o. That's three more goals than United managed as a squad. So why the hell does everyone think United are such heavy favorites?

Ninety minutes. Maybe 120. Then possibly a lottery of sorts. But it will be decided on the pitch.

After the jump Lingering Bursitis tells you why United will prevail. Then I debunk their chances with unassailable logic.


Why Manchester United Will Win

Where There is Rooney, There is Fire: As talismanic as Lionel Messi is for Barca, there is a similar figure in red for Fergie's men, and his name is Wayne Rooney. With his workrate, confidence, energy and tenacity, Barca will invariably struggle to contain the multi-faceted United attack.

Rooney is the high-octane trigger for Ronaldo and co, and if he finds himself with room to operate across the final third (I'd expect Barca to try and man-mark him), he will be difficult to stop. And if they stop him, it'll leave someone else open.

Barca's Backline: No Marquez, no Alves, and a barely-there elder stateman in Carlos Puyol. Throw in a couple more physically-adept, not-so-tactically-sound stand-ins, and you can almost see the goals piling up before a single ball has been kicked.

As cautious as Sir Alex might well choose to be in this, a major European final, it's not inconceivable to see him releasing the hounds upon that patchwork defense.

They're Manchester Fucking United: Of all the teams in all the leagues across the globe, you'd be hard-pushed to find a single one as blessed as United. Whether it's generous refereeing decisions or downright piss-poor game-calling, United are rarely on the receiving end of rough justice. Why should the CL Final be any different?

For proof, look at last year's final; their luck on the pitch was shared evenly with Chelsea, but in this most team of team games, they were lucky to have the greed of John Terry on their side. After all, with other penalty specialists in the side, it was EBJT who begged for the final shot, and slipped and scuffed his teary-eyed way into soccer history.


Why Barcelona Will Win

Massimo Busacca: That's the ref. He officiated the 2007 UEFA Cup final where he sent off Moises Hurtado on a second yellow, the first of which came in the 18th minute on something between an Al Haig (i.e. "I'm in charge here") and a Nuke Laloosh ("Announce my presence with authority").

He's going to do it again and card the first defender to make a slightly less than borderline challenge. And my money is on Vidic to be the perp of such a foul. Vidic does it weekly in England, so it's a safe bet. But Busacca isn't an EPL official (he plies his trade in the Swiss Super League), so he's less likely to let it slide because of the jersey color. An early yellow changes the dynamic of how the United backline plays. Moreover, Busacca's not afraid to flash red no matter how big the match (having done it in World Cup quarter as well).

The Forecast is for Rain: Remember that slip by Kieran Gibbs in the semi return leg that led to Arsenal's collapse and a bit of a walkover for United. Yeah, well the fates are sick fucks with the cruelest sense of humor. Expect a United player to similarly slip—please God, let it be PFA Player of the Year Ryan Giggs—and gift a deciding goal to the Catalans.

Cristiano Ronaldo is an Enormous Douchebag: If there is a God, he is aware of this fact. Eventually he has to intervene and stop this giant twat from winning more trophies. That day is today.

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